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[CmdrSlander]

Thoughts on the new content? I know there wasn't much action but I needed to work on characterization. Chapter 3 will introduce an actual Asari perspective, it is their planet after all.

[Spiritwolf1]

CMDR Slander

Two little things...

1) I'm not sure how the two got from Coopers room to the CIC. It went froma conversation in his room then suddenly it was mentioned that the CIC was devoid of any life and later he orders her off the bridge that was a little confusing. If they are moving around maybe it should be mentioned.

2) Without so much as shifting his gaze Commander Cooper fired two rounds into the Cerberus Agent’s gut from under the table. Cooper stood up, grabbed the twitching agent by his powder blue collar and flung him onto the ground. Placing a boot onto his bleeding stomach to keep him from moving, Cooper fired a final round into the agent’s head, the slow moving projectile failed to exit the agent’s skull but, as it was a highly advanced slightly illegal semi-autonomous hollow point round, expanded as it knocked back and forth inside, scrambling the agent’s brain and eventually popping his head open with a sickening crack.

I think first after being shot in the gut twice the man would already be on the ground. A gut shot is supposed to be one of the most painful you can have, not that I have ever experience it. Also the shot to the head , at first you said he slow moving projectile failed to exit the agent’s skull then this, eventually popping his head open with a sickening crack.
maybe it should read the slow moving projectile failed to immediately exit the agents skull...

other then that its been a good story and again my eyes play trick on me and I keep putting the name Gwen and Cooper together and think of Torchwood/Dr Who

[CmdrSlander]

1) The Tesla is really small, even smaller than the Normandy SR1, it is a very short walk to the CIC. I just figured the reader would assume, given that they had been talking about going there, that they had made their way there. The bridge is close to the CIC as well, and I didn't feel the need to right "and then they walked all of six steps to the bridge"

2) Polonium rounds apparently cause little in the way of pain (according to Tali in ME3, when Saren's assassins shot her with Polonium rounds it took her some time to realize she had been shot. Two polonium rounds did enough damage to put the agent in shock, imagine it as one smooth motion. He shoots the agent and before the agent realizes what has happened, gets up and grabs him. The Projectile in the finishing shot entered the skull but did not exit by design, as noted it is semi-autonomous IE it can alter its flight path for maximum lethality. Once in the skull it expanded (as modern hollowpoints do) forcing the brain expand and to pop the skull (not a function of modern hollowpoints, but it is the future so, what the hey). It is complex and gross and cruel and was intended to show the (somewhat unnecessary) lengths Cooper will go to to avenge a friend.

Finally, about Gwen and Cooper. Not a reference to DW at all, just coincidence, Gwendolyn is named after my grandmother and Cooper is named after known combat pistol expert Jeff Cooper.

One final question: What do you think of Cooper (and by extension me) waxing poetic about the RMS Olympic and Cooper's general fascination with old ships? I thought it might throw some people because I actually have expertise in that area (and I cannot say that about many things), and most do not.

[CmdrSlander]

"later he orders her off the bridge that was a little confusing."

Noah, the person being ordered off the bridge. IS A GUY.

Modifié par CmdrSlander, 01 juillet 2012 - 08:09 .

[Spiritwolf1]

Tali saying she didnt realize she had been hit... That happens to a lot of people who have been shot, Some people will tell you they think they were punch (Same with being stabbed) Some people will actually go into shock and not realize it and some, if adernaline is pumping, wont realize it as well. And saying the bullet didn't exit then saying it exited in the same sentence... Just my two cents kinda made me go Huh?

My general rule and one people used for the final ending of the game before EC... If you have to explain what you meant then... I think this sentence would be cleaned up nicely with a simple word added

Im not a techy person by any stretch of the imagination, I try from time to time but just sound like a Canadian that can't do a Scottish accent trying to do a Scottish accent and sounding like sometihng else entirely.

I like Cooper and the violin. I could actually envision him working out his frustration with it in a scene somewhere.

[CmdrSlander]

Spiritwolf1 wrote...

Tali saying she didnt realize she had been hit... That happens to a lot of people who have been shot, Some people will tell you they think they were punch (Same with being stabbed) Some people will actually go into shock and not realize it and some, if adernaline is pumping, wont realize it as well. And saying the bullet didn't exit then saying it exited in the same sentence... Just my two cents kinda made me go Huh?

My general rule and one people used for the final ending of the game before EC... If you have to explain what you meant then... I think this sentence would be cleaned up nicely with a simple word added

Im not a techy person by any stretch of the imagination, I try from time to time but just sound like a Canadian that can't do a Scottish accent trying to do a Scottish accent and sounding like sometihng else entirely.

I like Cooper and the violin. I could actually envision him working out his frustration with it in a scene somewhere.

Thank you for your thoughts. But you missed something: 

"One final question: What do you think of Cooper (and by extension me) waxing poetic about the RMS Olympic and Cooper's general fascination with old ships? I thought it might throw some people because I actually have expertise in that area (and I cannot say that about many things), and most do not."

Or do you have no comment on this, which is completely fine. 

Modifié par CmdrSlander, 01 juillet 2012 - 08:20 .

[Spiritwolf1]

I said I liked Cooper and by extension his interest ( model ships) but honestly the Violin interest me more dont ask me why it just does.. OK off to hell, err mean work

[CmdrSlander]

Spiritwolf1 wrote...

I said I liked Cooper and by extension his interest ( model ships) but honestly the Violin interest me more dont ask me why it just does.. OK off to hell, err mean work

Oh, sorry, I read it as one statement about Cooper and the violin, not a statement about liking both Cooper in general and his interest in the violin. No problem. 

Thanks again.

[fluffywalrus]

Solid chapter. You've got a decent handle on writing...the only real issues I had involved your wording of the hollow point round. As mentioned in the FWSB thread, your point is certainly getting across, but it reads awkwardly. Explaining the round after the combat would likely be better, as it drags the dramatic tension by having it in the middle of the action. I love descriptive stuff, and it seems you enjoy utilizing it too, but I think it could have been positioned a little better.

Outside of that, no real qualms. Not a big fan of Cooper, but I'm willing to wait and see if he grows on me.

[CmdrSlander]

fluffywalrus wrote...

Solid chapter. You've got a decent handle on writing...the only real issues I had involved your wording of the hollow point round. As mentioned in the FWSB thread, your point is certainly getting across, but it reads awkwardly. Explaining the round after the combat would likely be better, as it drags the dramatic tension by having it in the middle of the action. I love descriptive stuff, and it seems you enjoy utilizing it too, but I think it could have been positioned a little better.

Outside of that, no real qualms. Not a big fan of Cooper, but I'm willing to wait and see if he grows on me.

Thank you. As for Cooper, you aren't really meant to like him. Not now anyway. His attitudes will change (they'll have to if he wants to survive). I think Cooper is an interesting character to write because he is at the right age to have lived through and been raised and educated in a time when we had had no contact with aliens and believed that the human mind was the pinnacle of evolution. Encountering species like the Asari would be a massive culture shock for such a person. I think ME misses an oppurtunity in that respect, people of the right age (Hackett and Anderson) are totally pro-Alien cooperation even though it is easy to imagine a large segment of their age bracket having older anti-alien views. 

Anyway, what do you think of the other characters? (We don't know much about them yet, I know but what are your initial impressions of them?) 

[CmdrSlander]

CmdrSlander wrote...

fluffywalrus wrote...

Solid chapter. You've got a decent handle on writing...the only real issues I had involved your wording of the hollow point round. As mentioned in the FWSB thread, your point is certainly getting across, but it reads awkwardly. Explaining the round after the combat would likely be better, as it drags the dramatic tension by having it in the middle of the action. I love descriptive stuff, and it seems you enjoy utilizing it too, but I think it could have been positioned a little better.

Outside of that, no real qualms. Not a big fan of Cooper, but I'm willing to wait and see if he grows on me.

Thank you. As for Cooper, you aren't really meant to like him. Not now anyway. His attitudes will change (they'll have to if he wants to survive). I think Cooper is an interesting character to write because he is at the right age to have lived through and been raised and educated in a time when we had had no contact with aliens and believed that the human mind was the pinnacle of evolution. Encountering species like the Asari would be a massive culture shock for such a person. I think ME misses an oppurtunity in that respect, people of the right age (Hackett and Anderson) are totally pro-Alien cooperation even though it is easy to imagine a large segment of their age bracket having older anti-alien views. 

Anyway, what do you think of the other characters? (We don't know much about them yet, I know but what are your initial impressions of them?) 

Note: The Illusive Man is an obvious exception to the above, but he went from nuanced to evil in ME3. Also, having a character in a leading role who has less than tolerant beliefs RE: aliens is interesting to me. 

[fluffywalrus]

Ah, yeah. I get where you're coming from and kind of caught that vibe. I agree, ME really should have had some more of those in the higher ranks of the systems alliance. Would have made it interesting.

As for the other characters, I wish I could comment on them, but I really can't judge a character based on a few lines of dialogue. When it comes to OCs, I don't tend to craft an opinion until I sense that I have a feel of their general personality. So I apologize, you'll have to be patient I can say that they haven't come across as artificial or unrealistic. It'll be interesting to get to know them over time.

But it's a good story so far.

[fluffywalrus]

CmdrSlander wrote...

Note: The Illusive Man is an obvious exception to the above, but he went from nuanced to evil in ME3. Also, having a character in a leading role who has less than tolerant beliefs RE: aliens is interesting to me. 

Eh, I think his presentation in ME2 was nuanced, but the undercurrent of him being an evil jerk was certainly there, based on how willing he was to sacrifice for power, how self absorbed he was...all those projects he 'regretted' or said 'went rogue' pretty much fell in line with the kind of stuff he seemed willing to do to 'advance humanity's interests'. The exposure and access to reaper tech just pushed him a bit further over the edge.

But that's just my take on him.

[CmdrSlander]

I saw this in the FF Support Group thread (I have it open on my other monitor) and decided to repost my answer here given that it gives relevant backstory to my OC.

fluffywalrus wrote...

So I'm currently writing a chapter where my characters come across actual prepared food (at least, food that isn't soup, stew, ham, or nutrient paste) for pretty much the first time, and it has me wondering...
What's your characters' favourite foods? Doesn't even need to be Shep or the main Normandy cast or anything. Any primary characters in your fics

Ok, alright, I'm also hideously hungry, but I refuse to eat at 4:30AM.

So yeah, just curious...what do your characters like to eat? Any strange quirks your characters have?

Captain Wyatt Cooper's favorite beverage is Dr. Pepper made with Royal Cane Sugar. He has one bottle in a chilled case under his desk to be drunk in case of A) impending death or defeat of Reapers. As for food, he has an appreciation for fine cheeses from continental Europe and the medditeranean as well as a taste for Texas style smoked BBQ. Cooper was both a smoker and a drinker but his second wife, who was slayed by the Geth on Eden Prime convinced him to give both up, and though healthy living seems pointless with the Reapers laying waste the galaxy, relapsing would seems to him like a betrayal of her memory.

[CmdrSlander]

bump

[CmdrSlander]

Anybody else?