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[Drussius]

And now I can present Chapter 16! And am happy to do so.

Also, for those of you reading the story, as mentioned in the author's notes, I will be scaling back the update schedule just slightly to give a little extra breathing room, considering life is always more hectic with the kids back to school and whatnot... I barely got this chapter out in four days like I had planned...

[V-rcingetorix]

Just discovered the post today, thanks for the heads up.

First, compliments: Okay, excellent writing. I have a reading rate of around 600 wpm, and it took me around 45 minutes to go from 1-16; this means that I was slowing down to comprehend, which in turn means that I was interested. Well done!

Zaeed; excellent methodology, you have captured his personality very well. Foreshadow of future events segues nicely into situational awareness. TIM betrayal very good reaction; not even fully conscious and Z's planning revenge.

Asari personalities, good development. A lot of individuals make the mistake of giving all secondary characters supporting roles only, but you have managed to give each some solo time. Don't get me wrong, secondaries are necessary, there's no way a book could be made out of primary characters alone. However, it's good that the figures are round, not static.

Suggestions:

Maybe it's just a pet peeve, but a lot of fic writers seem to always cast Shepard as female, and have asari become involved with another female. Asari have been linked with a lot of males of various species in the series (Steven, ME2, Char, Me2/Me3), why do most fic writers ignore this?

Oh well. Next is the "time lag." Felt a little bit of whiplash, going from "13 weeks" to "today" and so forth. However, that's just style. Mercedes Lackey wrote a book in present tense completely...made my head feel like it was full of sand...but it was an interesting concept. Not bad, just not my style, do with this opinion as you will.

You might want to include a little more tech descriptions. You did well with the "ol' Mattock" slip, and the "drone" observations (cryo/incinerate), but a little more would add verisimilitude. For example, you described a "Carnifex" I believe with Zaeed making the observation. With Zaeed, you can go a little deeper with the observation (circumstances allowing), "a Carnifex, modified for armor piercing ballistics and a heat sink by the sound of it."

Overall, it is well written. I don't know if school will let me take time off again anytime soon, so thanks for the read, and good luck.

Until next time.

[Drussius]

Thank you for your compliments and your comments alike. It's always nice to hear that someone has taken an interest in my story, and it's especially good to hear that it was keeping you interested. That's the most important accomplishment of all with a story. At least IMO.

Regarding your pet peeve, I completely understand where you're coming from. In my case, it's borne of a combination of three things. First, I used the Shepard I played through the game with as the basis of my story's background elements, and that Shepard was female... I always play female protagonists if it's an option. Ever since the very first game I played with a female lead, which was for me the original Tomb Raider, I've been like that. I'm actually at least twice as likely to purchase a game if it has a female main character as I am for a male one. Just one of my many quirks.

Second, as for the Asari, I know that several have been linked to males throughout the game, and even in my story I mention a few. One of my characters had a salarian father.. another had a batarian father, and a third has a male father of a different species, though I haven't posted that chapter yet... But as for the Asari in relationships with females thing, again, this is just a result of my personal views, which are: If the asari are a female race and the majority of their history (prior to achieving space flight) they naturally mated with their own kind, it seems obvious to me that their default stance would be attraction to similar physical characteristics... aka females. It's just the way I reason it. Now, with that said, this is really a small point in relation to my story since I really only have one true romantic subplot in my story at the moment. Other attractions are mentioned, but romance is not the overall focus of the story... though admittedly it has been playing an increasing role.

And third: I have always been able to identify well with women. Growing up with a single mom... best friend throughout childhood was a girl... Most of the kids my age on my street when I was a kid were girls... And now I have two daughters. So I am comfortable with - and relate well to - women.

And you are not alone on your feelings on the dual timelines. As was covered with another reader on the previous page, it was a decision intended to improve the flow of the early parts of the story, and the two timelines are slowly dwindling to the point where they will converge and then it will be just the one timeline. I felt it was the better option between the current format and a much slower start due to keeping it entirely chronological, but it definitely is not perfect. This is something I've heard more than once.

And the tech... I agree with you again. I could probably include a few more technical bits. This is my first sci-fi fic, so I'm struggling a little to find the right balance between too little tech info, and overloading it with unnecessary tech detail. Given that my previous writing has always been medieval fantasy, I've been erring a bit more on the side of too little. But it's definitely something I will keep a bit more of an eye on in the future.

In any case, thank you for reading, and for passing along your thoughts on the story. I am always happy to hear them whether positive or negative in nature. Good luck with school!

[V-rcingetorix]

Medieval fantasy, eh? Nothing changes much except the weapons and the battlefield. There are still pointy eared people, little people (strangely who are reknown for financial astuteness), a few giants here and there, and a few wizards for balance.

You are also diplomatic. I had no intention to slight your writing style, as my tag reads, my opinion can be as relevant as purple hippopotami. Asari are androgynous when it comes down to it, and how it's played depends on the writer. Your house, your rules.

As for the dual timelines; I'm a history/bio major. Timelines are what drive stories, whether it's about paramecium or Octavian. If the timeline is too fractured, I skip reading; as this proves, I did not skim through your work.

I forgot to mention that I enjoyed your reference to Matsuo, of ME1 fame. Taking down Anoleis was one of my more favored side quests.

One question; are you going to continue splitting your focus, or are you going to pare it down to one individual? The multiple focus is good, I admit, and has good precedents (eg Lord of the Rings).


What was it in DA:2, Varric? "Take one part down to earth, one part selfless nobility, two parts crazy fool, and season liberally with wild falsehoods. Let that percolate through a good audience for a while, and when you're done, you've got your hero."

[Drussius]

V-rcingetorix wrote...

You are also diplomatic. I had no intention to slight your writing style, as my tag reads, my opinion can be as relevant as purple hippopotami. Asari are androgynous when it comes down to it, and how it's played depends on the writer. Your house, your rules.

I didn't take any of your comments as a sleight against my writing. I truly appreciate all feedback, whether positive or negative. My personal opinion is that when you start getting defensive in response to criticisms, you lose any chance to learn from them. Because when you're defensive, you don't look at your work and say "Hmm, I wonder if I could improve this..." you are instead saying "This is why I'm right and there's no better way to do this..." It closes off the possibility for learning and growing. And when it comes down to it, the whole reason I decided to write a fanfiction and post it for public viewing was to get feedback, incorporate it where I could, and improve in my future writings.

V-rcingetorix wrote...

I forgot to mention that I enjoyed your reference to Matsuo, of ME1 fame. Taking down Anoleis was one of my more favored side quests.

One question; are you going to continue splitting your focus, or are you going to pare it down to one individual? The multiple focus is good, I admit, and has good precedents (eg Lord of the Rings).

Thanks for noticing Captain Matsuo. I also incorporated the Ski scene based on ambient conversation from ME1. There were two execs at a table talking about rumors about a ski resort opening at the equator. I just sort of took that and ran with it. But no one seems to have noticed that one. Maybe a little too subtle.

As for the question, I was planning to keep the multiple perspectives. In the end the story is about all of the characters and their struggle to survive Terra Nova. Zaeed and his cohorts, the Sileya crew... the whole lot of them. And actually I'm very pleased with the reception I've gotten for the various characters. People have been very kind about my portrayal of Zaeed... I was worried I wouldn't do him justice, but it seems I'm okay so far on that front. And I get a fair number of reviews/comments about some of the others. Neela, Selura and Illitha all seem to be pretty popular, just judging from reviews and private messages.

[V-rcingetorix]

*SPOILER*

Technically, not longer crew "of" the Sileya, but "from" the aforementioned ship.

Hah, I remember the ski trip being mentioned, lol. I also caught the "no quarian" reference for Illium (ME2 Tali mentions the Fleet has to stay away from Illium...strange because a sidequest has a Quarian slave looking for work...).

What happens if future DLC retcons some of what you are telling? Will you retcon as well, or keep going?

Out of curiosity, are you going to do something with the musical aspect? As a semi-pro musician, I took some interest in the instruments mentioned. Sounds similar to an old harp (aka the lyre) of greek history, but with some twists. Fitting, what with Asari culture being essentially Greek in aspect (republics, highly city-state development, thinkers not doers...).

For future reference, instruments would need extra strings, natural (or artificial) resin for friction manipulation, and sheet music. Performers would have physical "tells" that show what instrument they play; eg violinists have a callous under their left jaw, French horn players have a lower lip development and guitar players generally have callouses on their left fingers and long nails on their right hands.

You probably already know that (delete post if you don't want any giveaways), but it's something that I thought might come in useful.

[Drussius]

V-rcingetorix wrote...

*SPOILER*

Technically, not longer crew "of" the Sileya, but "from" the aforementioned ship.

Hah, I remember the ski trip being mentioned, lol. I also caught the "no quarian" reference for Illium (ME2 Tali mentions the Fleet has to stay away from Illium...strange because a sidequest has a Quarian slave looking for work...).

Well, Quarians aren't technically banned from Illium. Just restricted. They can't bring their whole fleet in, as was mentioned in the game, but in Tali's backstory comic, she and a friend were on Illium early in her piglrimage, it just took them a long time to clear customs and get in... as in multiple weeks, if I recall correctly.

V-rcingetorx wrote...

What happens if future DLC retcons some of what you are telling? Will you retcon as well, or keep going?

Well, I doubt that any future DLC will contradict my story, since I've done my best to keep it in-canon and it's restricted to Terra Nova, which doesn't scream for DLC, at least to my mind. But if they did happen to release DLC based on Terra Nova that conflicts with the story, I'd keep the story as it is.

V-rcingetorx wrote...
Out of curiosity, are you going to do something with the musical aspect? As a semi-pro musician, I took some interest in the instruments mentioned. Sounds similar to an old harp (aka the lyre) of greek history, but with some twists. Fitting, what with Asari culture being essentially Greek in aspect (republics, highly city-state development, thinkers not doers...).

For future reference, instruments would need extra strings, natural (or artificial) resin for friction manipulation, and sheet music. Performers would have physical "tells" that show what instrument they play; eg violinists have a callous under their left jaw, French horn players have a lower lip development and guitar players generally have callouses on their left fingers and long nails on their right hands.

You probably already know that (delete post if you don't want any giveaways), but it's something that I thought might come in useful.

I appreciate the notes, and will keep them in mind. I knew about violinists and guitar players and the callouses they develop... Horn players is a new one on me. As for the musical aspect, I can honestly say I'm not sure how much that will play into the future Chapters of the story.

I write entirely on the fly. Nothing is planned in advance.

[Drussius]

And now, right on schedule, Chapter 17!

[V-rcingetorix]

Interesting; the bioplastic mold looks similar to a paper I read on using spiderweb to bind tissues.

*spoiler*
Zaeed still in character, tension building, good. Excellent Salarian communication skills. Imitates original pattern shown by Dr. Solus, with its intellectual assumptions.

Entertaining, excellent diversion from Orgo and Span classes, thanks.

[Drussius]

Thank you for the kind words. I'm glad you're being entertained by my story. Sorry I didn't respond sooner. I've been working to hammer out the next Chapter on very short spans of time per day, so I haven't been on the boards in a couple of days.

However, it was all worth it. Because here is Chapter 18!

[Drussius]

I'm sticking to my schedule, even though I've failed to finish my work on Chapter 23. I can finish it after I post a new Chapter for all the kind folks who are following the story. So... without further ado...

Chapter 19!

[V-rcingetorix]

Hey, no prob. I've had a lot of homework myself, orgo *shiver*. Welllll, not so bad, but time heavy :/

[V-rcingetorix]

Okay, read through it. #18 opening read somewhat like a scene from ME2 Miranda/Shep...romance isn't my preference, but kudos on the accuracy to canon! Lots of writers get into their headcanon and then ignore all previous indications to alter course :/

Have you read Michael Stapleton or Aaron Alliston? They helped wrote the X-wing and Wraith Squadron series. Your writing read somewhat similar to them, but a little less comfortable. It wasn't bad by any means, don't get me wrong, but not as smooth as the rest of your work.

As a suggestion, I would streamline the flight manipulations a tad.On the Sileya, you had the characters performing ship operations in fewer actions, incorporating multiple maneuvers without as much description. Just my two bits, I may be a bit owly at the moment.

Zaeed feeling conflicted at the Salarian not turning in the data, very much in character, very good. If I may ask, why did you pattern the Salarian after Mordin? Potentially Mordin's nephew (mentioned just before suicide mission in ME2)? Mordin's speech, to me, seemed anomalous among Salarians; the other Salarians met throughout the Mass Effect series seem to have speech patterns similar to Humans. Just made me a bit curious, good, I suppose.

Final point, excellent Turian character. Very much in keeping with the canon, and frankly, with the Roman ideology that was written into the species. I was interested in how the Turians were depicted in the Codex entries, sort of a cross of Republic/Imperial Rome, with a dash of Medieval Japan. You have that element pretty well, the solo warrior who once was part of a legion, excellent.

Keep up the good work. Have you thought about getting it published when you're done?

[Drussius]

V-rcingetorix wrote...

Okay, read through it. #18 opening read somewhat like a scene from ME2 Miranda/Shep...romance isn't my preference, but kudos on the accuracy to canon! Lots of writers get into their headcanon and then ignore all previous indications to alter course :/

Never did the Miranda/Shep romance myself. So I'm not sure what territory from that part I stepped into, but I'm hoping it's not a bad thing? I'm sort of struggling to reach back to the awkwardness of high school romance... it's been a while... but hopefully it's not terrible.

V-rcingetorix wrote...
Have you read Michael Stapleton or Aaron Alliston? They helped wrote the X-wing and Wraith Squadron series. Your writing read somewhat similar to them, but a little less comfortable. It wasn't bad by any means, don't get me wrong, but not as smooth as the rest of your work.

As a suggestion, I would streamline the flight manipulations a tad.On the Sileya, you had the characters performing ship operations in fewer actions, incorporating multiple maneuvers without as much description. Just my two bits, I may be a bit owly at the moment.

Probably wouldn't hurt to streamline a bit, and I did struggle a little to find where I wanted to go with the scene you're talking about. I'm not a pilot, obviously, but I appreciate you pointing it out. I may go back through when I have the time and see if I can smooth it out a bit.

V-rcingetorix wrote...
Zaeed feeling conflicted at the Salarian not turning in the data, very much in character, very good. If I may ask, why did you pattern the Salarian after Mordin? Potentially Mordin's nephew (mentioned just before suicide mission in ME2)? Mordin's speech, to me, seemed anomalous among Salarians; the other Salarians met throughout the Mass Effect series seem to have speech patterns similar to Humans. Just made me a bit curious, good, I suppose.

This has been pointed out to me before. It's really a matter of personal preference more than anything. While most salarians in the game do sound more human than Mordin, I felt Mordin's cadence and brevity gave him a slightly more interesting - and alien - tone. I'm trying to fall somewhere between the two. Typically when I write the dialogue for Salik I start with dialogue that is extremely Mordin in tone, then go back through and add in words here and there. There are other reasons, but as they pertain to events not yet published, I don't want to put spoilers here.

V-rcingetorix wrote...
Final point, excellent Turian character. Very much in keeping with the canon, and frankly, with the Roman ideology that was written into the species. I was interested in how the Turians were depicted in the Codex entries, sort of a cross of Republic/Imperial Rome, with a dash of Medieval Japan. You have that element pretty well, the solo warrior who once was part of a legion, excellent.

Keep up the good work. Have you thought about getting it published when you're done?

I'm glad you like Prathus. One of my regular reviewers generally refers to him as "Mr. Jerkface Turian," which is a pretty good indicator that not everyone feels that way. Though I count that as a success too, since he is one of a few characters that's meant to be painted in shades of gray. He has his good points and his bad.

But thank you for the comments! I always appreciate feedback. As for publishing... Didn't really consider it for this particular story, but I will say that the reason I published this story on FF.net was to get feedback so that I could improve my writing in hopes that I can get published someday.

[V-rcingetorix]

Lol, maybe you wrote Prathus as a two-dimensional character originally, but I think he's evolved into a more rounded one. Pretty good I thought.

The Mir/Shep romance has its moments. I usually play only paragon, but like to do multiple playthroughs (around a dozen in ME1, almost 2 dozen in ME2, 3 in ME3). A lot more body language in the Mir/Shep as opposed to the Jack/Tali options. Near as I can tell, the Jack option is more of a tension/will battle, while Tali is more of a verbal exchange (awkward would be a good adjective).

Now that you mention it, Salik does have a less terse mode of communication than Mordin. I enjoyed MordinSpeak; he's got a huge amount of brainpower and uses his gift to the utmost. No time for chitchat or posturing, just get the job done and go home.

[Drussius]

As I promised it would be this morning, Chapter 20 is now up!

[V-rcingetorix]

Happy Birthday!

Interesting twist with the Turian, good tension building with the Captain-In-State...or is it?

[Drussius]

Thank you for the wellwishes!

And despite my birthday celebration, I still managed to get this Chapter edited and posted on schedule. So here it is! Chapter 21!

[V-rcingetorix]

I think you have the hang of a more fluid combat situation. Only suggestion I'd make is leave the modding for a quieter scene; felt a little like a Sharper Image ad in the middle of a fight zone =D

EDIT: I didn't mean it was bad, not at all, just nitpicking :/

Otherwise, very well done. Immersive flight, believable fight; panic was pretty realistic without becoming another "horror of war" speech. Not to mention, Prathus comes through again, semi-static, but showing some round edges. Nice.

Modifié par V-rcingetorix, 13 octobre 2012 - 12:23 .

[Drussius]

LOL. A Sharper Image ad in the middle of a warzone. I like it. I really only included that little bit because the game codex says that a soldier can quickly install and modify a weapon even in the midst of combat. I figured if that's true, a skilled engineer probably wouldn't wait, they'd just get it done quick for maximum utility.

That said, however, you're probably right that it could have been left out entirely and wouldn't have changed much.

[V-rcingetorix]

Frankly, an engineer would be the most likely individual to fuss with improving hardware, even in a warzone. Keep that mannerism, might be a good trait for other, more "soldiery" people to pick on. Maybe make a soldier out of the krogan's daughter, eh? Nice touch.

Again, much improved on the flight description, you learn fast =D

[Drussius]

Actually, that second flight was already written before you pointed out the problems with the first one... as people in the fanfic support group know, I am four chapters ahead in my writing. When I finish Chapter 26 I'll post Chapter 22 online, and so forth. I like to keep a buffer in case I feel something needs to be rewritten or something needs to be inserted.

I still intend to perhaps go back and smooth out the first one when I have time, but I'm trying to keep on schedule, so time is a bit limited. But I'm glad the second one worked out better.

[V-rcingetorix]

Well, stuff me with eggplant and call me a casserole, lol. I guess I'm just picky then...or you have a really good learning curve. I'll blame you, if that's okay =D

Btw, McSweene is an excellent character. Maybe I am metagaming (always a problem for reading sci-fi), but I was actually disappointed when he fled. excellent.

[Drussius]

For anyone and everyone who is following my story, Chapter 22 is now online!

[V-rcingetorix]

Heh, I saw the lack of guns, but you seemed to point out the lack fairly well. I assumed you had something planned, glad to find I was right.

No criticism that I can tell. I appreciated Neela's noting the improved visibility, and filing the idea for future mass production models; verisimilitude.

Question, though, why no sentry/combat drones? Pardon me for metagaming, but engineers on the multiplayer use either combat drones (shields, various attack powers like zap, fire, missiles) or sentry turrets (flamethrower, concussive shot or missile). Same for singleplayer, mostly.

On the other hand, limiting the variety of assault capabilities emphasizes the lack of resources, which may be your goal. Cryo blasts, energy-drain and reave capabilities might turn the whole thing into an ad hoc commando story, which I am pretty sure is not your goal.

Cheers, keep up the good work.