299 réponses à ce sujet

[Ponuto]

Jzargo wrote...

Dear N7 Paladin

Please stop pretending you're gandalf and yelling "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"

Sincerely,
Your N7 spec ops team

love this one never heard of it its simply great:lol:

[Invellous]

From: John Troley, Cerberus Guardian
To: N7 Paladin Operatives Barracks
Subject: A Helping Hand

 

 Do not worry about how I sent this to you, and no you do not have to worry about 'The Villa's' security or the Systems Alliance finding out about this message. Let us just say I have some friends on the other side. I want to help you guys, truly I do. I have heard about how the other N7 Operatives pick on you guys. How they tease you because you can not walk or fire a weapon with your Omni-Shields. It is not your fault, and I understand this. So I have provided you with a link below to the Cerberus Guardian Unit Training Video. Watch it and you too will be able to walk, fire, and use your Tech Powers with your Omni-Shields deployed. Every Guardian in Cerberus most watch this video, without it we would be stuck in the same boat as you. I hope it helps you guys out. Good luck.

Cerberus Guardian Unit Training Video



Best Wishes,
John Troley, Cerberus Guardian

[GGW KillerTiger]

gethinych wrote...

Dear N7 Equipment Requisitions,

You seem to have loaded my shoulder-mounted launcher with ping-pong balls. Pls send some actual Cobra Missiles forthwith.

N7 Destroyer

[DarklighterFreak]

Qror_pl wrote...

Dear N7 Shadow,
Could you please give me back my "Shishkebab"?

Impatient,
Mojave Express Courier

Win! 

[Deltoran]

Silbane_23 wrote...

Dear dad,

Tell mom I'll be fine. The admiral notified me I'm being assigned to FBWGP....you know, where those banshees get stuck on our ultra rare countertops. So, no reason to worry.

Tell little Jimmie and Matty that big brother will be bringing home toy Eagle X's for them to play with courtesy of the massive credits ill be earning.  Well, actually, the guns will be real but not to wOrry - they can't hurt anyone. 

Love you and see you soon,
Fred (er, N7 Fury)

lol win

[Aurora313]

Dear Cerberus Phantoms,

Stabbing ain't fun when you're at the recievin' end, ain't it?

With no due respect,
N7 Shadow.

[Pride Demon]

Dear Alliance R&D,

The targeting VI system in this T5-V battlesuit is totally off.
Whenever my new shoulder mounted rocket laucher fires its rockets (its very underpowered rockets, but that's a problem for Requisition, will write complaint later) they are fired in a random direction within a wide radius in front of me and then count on target locking to return to an acceptable trajectory.

This might be ok in wide open areas, but in enclosed spaces I found the rockets explode against the wall next to me more often then they do against the enemy in front of me. I would request such a thing be resolved with haste, or else I'll be forced to report all of you to High Command for incompetence.

Sincerely,
N7 Destroyer

PS. Seriously, fix it. Or next time I won't bother and ask the nearest available turian grunt just to spite you, at least they are good with calibrations.
-----

Dear N7 Destroyer,

We'll work on that when we have time... And get help from a turian if they are sooo good at calibrating a targeting matix, we certainly won't care.

Hoping you die   With respect,
Alliance R&D

PS. For such a brutal fighter you are quite verbose, you might want to correct that.
-----

Dear N7 Fury,

My targeting visor has been tampered with... again...
So rather than properly locking to an enemy for a slash I found myself biotically projected two meters behind him... again...

I know we never really went along since biotic academy but this joke has been going on long enough.
Seriously stop it!

Hoping you blow yourself up with your fields understand,
N7 Slayer
-----

Dear N7 Slayer,

lol!

Your nemesis,
N7 Fury
-----

Dear Banshee,

I can flee through walls. See you later b*tch!

Lots of lols,
N7 Slayer
-----

Dear N7 Slayer,

Good on you, but you failed to consider a specific detail...
That thanks to my close ally, "glitch", I can too...

Hugging you soon,
Banshee

PS. Your entrails are forever mine.

PPS. SHREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
-----

Dear N7 Demolisher,

Your Homing Granades are red (ish),
My Arc Granade explosions are blue,
Your Supply Pilon is pretty,
So are you!

Love,
Male Quarian Engineer
-----

Dear Male Quarian Engineer,

SOD OFF!

Sincerely,
N7 Demolisher

Modifié par Pride Demon, 22 juillet 2012 - 01:41 .

[Dbohr]

From the notes of Dr Taliah Colborn, Cerberus Psychiatrist
Subjetc: Engineer "John" evaluation

[begin recording]

Dr Colborn: So, John, how do you feel today?

"John": Terrible, doc.

DC: Now, John, that's not very positive of you. I see you scored very high on all your platoon leader evaluation, isn't that right. 

J: Oh, yes. Once I got a medal from the boss himself. 

DC: The boss? 

J: Well, he wasn't there in person, you know. It was only a filtered holo-transmission. But it was him, all right. Gave me a medal for "outstanding performance". 

DC: Tell me more about it. 

J: It's just that, you know? When this whole mess started, I figured I could do some good. Something those Alliance types couldn't or wouldn't do; and kick a few alien behinds for good measure. And I was good, doc, I really was! My turrets were always placed at the best spots; I was always ready to fix the Atlases' shields. There wasn't a single mission where my turret traps failed to wipe the Alliance squads. Even the damn Quarian girls were no problem after our last security upgrade. 

DC: So what happened? 

J: Well, everything was fine and dandy until we got assigned back to Earth. Spend a couple weeks in Rio, you know? Take over a power plant of some sort, I figured it would be an easy job. Then I could relax a bit before taking the battle to the Reapers. I mean, that's why we are on Cerberus, right? To kick the Reapers back into Dark Space? 

DC: Of course, John. But what happened in Rio?

J: The N7 Special Ops showed up, as expected. Only... this time they was a REAL N7 with them. An Engineer, I think. That god-damned WOMAN...!

DC: Calm down, John. You're safe, now. Won't you tell me what happened?

J: Everything seemed normal, until our squad began to blow up. 

DC: Blow up?

J: Yeah, doc, blow up! As in, lighting up like a damn christmas tree! There were grenades, doc, more grenades than I could count! HOMING granades, too, like guided missiles. The Atlases didn't stand a chance! And my turrets... my God, my turrets! I laid them as fast as I could, in all the best spots -- I told you I was good at this -- but that b**ch of an N7 kept BLOWING THEM APART with f**ing ARC GRENADES! Weren't them supposed to be Quarian-exclusive? Everything was blowing up! EVERYTHING, I tell ya! Then the Phantoms came and I thought we were safe, but... but that woman came back and threw MORE GRENADES at us! It just kept coming, and coming, and... oh, God...!

[sobs for several minutes]

J: Doc... do you think there's still time for us to... you know... change sides? I'm a good engineer. I know I am.

Modifié par Dbohr, 22 juillet 2012 - 02:19 .

[Computron2000]

Dbohr wrote...

From the notes of Dr Taliah Colborn, Cerberus Psychiatrist
Subjetc: Engineer "John" evaluation

[begin recording]

Dr Colborn: So, John, how do you feel today?

"John": Terrible, doc.

DC: Now, John, that's not very positive of you. I see you scored very high on all your platoon leader evaluation, isn't that right. 

J: Oh, yes. Once I got a medal from the boss himself. 

DC: The boss? 

J: Well, he wasn't there in person, you know. It was only a filtered holo-transmission. But it was him, all right. Gave me a medal for "outstanding performance". 

DC: Tell me more about it. 

J: It's just that, you know? When this whole mess started, I figured I could do some good. Something those Alliance types couldn't or wouldn't do; and kick a few alien behinds for good measure. And I was good, doc, I really was! My turrets were always placed at the best spots; I was always ready to fix the Atlases' shields. There wasn't a single mission where my turret traps failed to wipe the Alliance squads. Even the damn Quarian girls were no problem after our last security upgrade. 

DC: So what happened? 

J: Well, everything was fine and dandy until we got assigned back to Earth. Spend a couple weeks in Rio, you know? Take over a power plant of some sort, I figured it would be an easy job. Then I could relax a bit before taking the battle to the Reapers. I mean, that's why we are on Cerberus, right? To kick the Reapers back into Dark Space? 

DC: Of course, John. But what happened in Rio?

J: The N7 Special Ops showed up, as expected. Only... this time they was a REAL N7 with them. An Engineer, I think. That god-damned WOMAN...!

DC: Calm down, John. You're safe, now. Won't you tell me what happened?

J: Everything seemed normal, until our squad began to blow up. 

DC: Blow up?

J: Yeah, doc, blow up! As in, lighting up like a damn christmas tree! There were grenades, doc, more grenades than I could count! HOMING granades, too, like guided missiles. The Atlases didn't stand a chance! And my turrets... my God, my turrets! I laid them as fast as I could, in all the best spots -- I told you I was good at this -- but that b**ch of an N7 kept BLOWING THEM APART with f**ing ARC GRENADES! Weren't them supposed to be Quarian-exclusive? Everything was blowing up! EVERYTHING, I tell ya! Then the Phantoms came and I thought we were safe, but... but that woman came back and threw MORE GRENADES at us! It just kept coming, and coming, and... oh, God...!

[sobs for several minutes]

J: Doc... do you think there's still time for us to... you know... change sides? I'm a good engineer. I know I am.

Bravo! How about an evaluation of the phantom too

[ToaOrka]

Dear Asari Adept,

Stop whining about how my outfit is so much cooler than yours or I won't bang you tonight.

Yours always,
Nyxie, N7 Fury.

[Dbohr]

Computron2000 wrote...

Bravo! How about an evaluation of the phantom too

I'll think I'll do it, but it will take some time 

[PDHoops]

ToaOrka wrote...

Dear Asari Adept,

Stop whining about how my outfit is so much cooler than yours or I won't bang you tonight.

Yours always,
Nyxie, N7 Fury.

Dear Fury,

At least i dont look like I ate all the donuts in the mess hall in mine. Wear did they find ALL that material anyway? there is a war on - at least we've economised by cutting holes in ours.

As the QI girl said, get back on the excercise bike. No wonder you wear that mask with an figure like that!

Yours always,

AA, AJ & AV.

[The Makr]

Dear N7 Shadow,
Put your butter knife away before you hurt yourself.

Warmest Regards,
N7 Slayer

[Dbohr]

From the notes of Dr Taliah Colborn, Cerberus Psychiatrist
Subjetc: Phantom "Kaoru" evaluation

[begin recording]

Dr Colborn: Hello, Kaoru, how are you today?

"Kaoru": ...

DC: So, are you spending the whole session in silence?

K: ... 

DC: I need to assess your condition, you know. Of course you can sit there quiet for the next 20 minutes, but we have three more sessions this month before you go back to the field. If I deem you ready to go back to the field. So why don't you talk to me?

K: Whatever.

DC: Better already. Now: how do you feel?

K: [sigh]. I suppose I could tell you. Well, I'm not just "a Phantom", right? I'm top of my class, graded better than that poser Kai Leng. Yet somehow the little punk gets the choicest assignments, while I get to kill the alien trash of the galaxy. 

DC: I see.

K: No, you don't! Quit being so condescending. 

DC: [takes some notes] Please continue.

K: Anyway, last week I hear my guys are deploying in Benning against some newfangled N7 clowns. Intel says they're coming with one of those Phoenix turncoats, so double fun for me. Now, being a ranking officer I get to sit back a little and oversee the tactical situation for the first few minutes...

DC: I take the situation didn't go as planned?

K: 'Didn't go as planned'? It went south of Hell, doc. I mean, there was the Phoenix rat, plus three N7 types. The first was a Sentinel. Guy with a ridiculous omni-shield. I mean, even Sargeant Kelso of my Guardian platoon was laughing his ass off because of him. The lumbering oaf could swing, I give him that, but that was about it. Could't even move with his shield deployed. I think my guys took more shots at him than the other three soldiers combined. 

DC: What went wrong, then? 

K: The other two N7s. One was a Kai Leng wannabe playing with a sword. The other was a skinny girl only half-trained with it. I could tell it just by looking at the mission monitor. At any rate, the 'Slayer', as they called it turned out to be a pretty decent biotic. He kept teaming with that Phoenix t*rd and laying low my troops. The 'Shadow' operative kept cartwheeling about shooting some crazy-ass electric effect from the blade. That was when I grew tired and put my girls on the field. 

DC: You mean your Phantom squad. 

K: I mean my f**ing elite Phantom Squad, yeah. Highest kill count in the damn galaxy. Between me and my girls there are more kills than any three Cerberus armies combined. 

DC: And I suppose that was when things turned out to the worst. 

K: You have a gift for understatement, doc. 

DC: [takes some notes]

K: [sigh] Anyway, my girls are on the field and the Phoenix guy freaks out. He was playing with a recon drone they'd just find. And, s**t, my squad was looking for that toy for days before the N7 Ops even showed up... but that's a complaint for another day. So the Phoenix was dog walking the drone and freaks out when my girls show up. The stupid shield Sentinel says something ridiculous like 'don't worry, I got this' and puts up his omni-shield. Idiot. One of the girls simply went around him and slashed him for good. And then... then it got silly. 

DC: Why?

K: I told you the other two guys were playing with swords, right? Well, was I wrong. The Shadow started teleporting around like a Vanguard from Hell and one-hit-killing my girls! The Slayer attacked them with a poor excuse of a palm blaster -- rather weak, I thought, but enough to drop their barriers -- then did some freaky-ass disappearing tricks so we could't shoot back. All the while his girlfriend kept cutting down my Phantoms.

DC: Did they manage to upload the drone?

K: Yeah. I was pretty PO. So I took to the field personally while they awaited extraction. I managed to pin down the Shadow with 3 Atlases in a back alley while the other three guys scrambled towards the LZ, right where I wanted them. As they were trying to hold ground, I zapped the Phoenix from distance and ordered my Engineer to deploy a turret. 

DC: What then?

K: The 'Paladin', that weirdo with the shield, just blocked the shots. I mean, have you ever seen a Cerberus turret shooting? It's f**ing deadly! That guy just sat there, taking bullets on his omni-shield while Kai Leng wannabe tended his friend. I told the dumb Engineer to stop fooling around and deploy another turret and then... 

DC: Yes?

K:...

DC: If you want to continue another day...

K: No, it's all right. And then the engineer's head just fell off! 

DC: What?

K: It just fell off before he could deploy another turret. I thought I could see the N7 Shadow for a moment, but then she was gone. Then there was an electric burst and the turret was gone, too. The Atlases were still a ways out and the Alliance shuttle was coming hot. I decided to take this in my own hands and attacked their position alone. So as the shuttle landed, the idiot Paladin deployed his shield again and told his friends 'go, I got this'. They were screaming at him, ordering him to fall back. He just... sat there, blocking my way, saying 'I got this'. I then did my trademark sword-through-chest move to clean the way... and the guy just... he just... 

DC: Kaoru?

K:...

DC: Kaoru, are you alright? 

K: That was it, doc. He hugged me. Held me tight, even as he slumped to the ground, my sword in his chest. His friends boarded the shuttle and went away. His last words were 'I got this, you go home'.

[silence]

DC: Well, Kaoru, you took down a valued enemy operative. That's a victory right there. 

K: That's just it, doc. The whole time that Paladin was sitting there? He was confident. He knew what was gonna happen and he was fine with it. Me? I was afraid. And I still am.

Modifié par Dbohr, 22 juillet 2012 - 05:30 .

[Computron2000]

Dbohr wrote...

From the notes of Dr Taliah Colborn, Cerberus Psychiatrist
Subjetc: Phantom "Kaoru" evaluation

[begin recording]

Dr Colborn: Hello, Kaoru, how are you today?

"Kaoru": ...

DC: So, are you spending the whole session in silence?

K: ... 

DC: I need to assess your condition, you know. Of course you can sit there quiet for the next 20 minutes, but we have three more sessions this month before you go back to the field. If I deem you ready to go back to the field. So why don't you talk to me?

K: Whatever.

DC: Better already. Now: how do you feel?

K: [sigh]. I suppose I could tell you. Well, I'm not just "a Phantom", right? I'm top of my class, graded better than that poser Kai Leng. Yet somehow the little punk gets the choicest assignments, while I get to kill the alien trash of the galaxy. 

DC: I see.

K: No, you don't! Quit being so condescending. 

DC: [takes some notes] Please continue.

K: Anyway, last week I hear my guys are deploying in Benning against some newfangled N7 clowns. Intel says they're coming with one of those Phoenix turncoats, so double fun for me. Now, being a ranking officer I get to sit back a little and oversee the tactical situation for the first few minutes...

DC: I take the situation didn't go as planned?

K: 'Didn't go as planned'? It went south of Hell, doc. I mean, there was the Phoenix rat, plus three N7 types. The first was a Sentinel. Guy with a ridiculous omni-shield. I mean, even Sargeant Kelso of my Guardian platoon was laughing his ass off because of him. The lumbering oaf could swing, I give him that, but that was about it. Could't even move with his shield deployed. I think my guys took more shots at him than the other three soldiers combined. 

DC: What went wrong, then? 

K: The other two N7s. One was a Kai Leng wannabe playing with a sword. The other was a skinny girl only half-trained with it. I could tell it just by looking at the mission monitor. At any rate, the 'Slayer', as they called it turned out to be a pretty decent biotic. He kept teaming with that Phoenix t*rd and laying low my troops. The 'Shadow' operative kept cartwheeling about shooting some crazy-ass electric effect from the blade. That was when I grew tired and put my girls on the field. 

DC: You mean your Phantom squad. 

K: I mean my f**ing elite Phantom Squad, yeah. Highest kill count in the damn galaxy. Between me and my girls there are more kills than any three Cerberus armies combined. 

DC: And I suppose that was when things turned out to the worst. 

K: You have a gift for understatement, doc. 

DC: [takes some notes]

K: [sigh] Anyway, my girls are on the field and the Phoenix guy freaks out. He was playing with a recon drone they'd just find. And, s**t, my squad was looking for that toy for days before the N7 Ops even showed up... but that's a complaint for another day. So the Phoenix was dog walking the drone and freaks out when my girls show up. The stupid shield Sentinel says something ridiculous like 'don't worry, I got this' and puts up his omni-shield. Idiot. One of the girls simply went around him and slashed him for good. And then... then it got silly. 

DC: Why?

K: I told you the other two guys were playing with swords, right? Well, was I wrong. The Shadow started teleporting around like a Vanguard from Hell and one-hit-killing my girls! The Slayer attacked them with a poor excuse of a palm blaster -- rather weak, I thought, but enough to drop their barriers -- then did some freaky-ass disappearing tricks so we could't shoot back. All the while his girlfriend kept cutting down my Phantoms.

DC: Did they manage to upload the drone?

K: Yeah. I was pretty PO. So I took to the field personally while they awaited extraction. I managed to pin down the Shadow with 3 Atlases in a back alley while the other three guys scrambled towards the LZ, right where I wanted them. As they were trying to hold ground, I zapped the Phoenix from distance and ordered my Engineer to deploy a turret. 

DC: What then?

K: The 'Paladin', that weirdo with the shield, just blocked the shots. I mean, have you ever seen a Cerberus turret shooting? It's f**ing deadly! That guy just sat there, taking bullets on his omni-shield while Kai Leng wannabe tended his friend. I told the dumb Engineer to stop fooling around and deploy another turret and then... 

DC: Yes?

K:...

DC: If you want to continue another day...

K: No, it's all right. And then the engineer's head just fell off! 

DC: What?

K: It just fell off before he could deploy another turret. I thought I could see the N7 Shadow for a moment, but then she was gone. Then there was an electric burst and the turret was gone, too. The Atlases were still a ways out and the Alliance shuttle was coming hot. I decided to take this in my own hands and attacked their position alone. So as the shuttle landed, the idiot Paladin deployed his shield again and told his friends 'go, I got this'. They were screaming at him, ordering him to fall back. He just... sat there, blocking my way, saying 'I got this'. I then did my trademark sword-through-chest move to clean the way... and the guy just... he just... 

DC: Kaoru?

K:...

DC: Kaoru, are you alright? 

K: That was it, doc. He hugged me. Held me tight, even as he slumped to the ground, my sword in his chest. His friends boarded the shuttle and went away. His last words were 'I got this, you go home'.

[silence]

DC: Well, Kaoru, you took down a valued enemy operative. That's a victory right there. 

K: That's just it, doc. The whole time that Paladin was sitting there? He was confident. He knew what was gonna happen and he was fine with it. Me? I was afraid. And I still am.

Good stuff right there. Really made the story come alive in that short post.

[Dbohr]

Thank you

Maybe I'll do more psych evaluation reports for the other Cerberus units later!

[SoullessGinga]

Dear N7 Slayer and N7 Shadow,
That slash you guys are doing is getting a little out of hand.

Sincerely,
The other classes

[wilji1090]

Dear Other classes,

Wait for me! I'm slow and out of shape!

Sincerely,
N7 Destroyer

[SilverEchidna]

Dear N7 Demolisher,

Needadispenserhere!Needadispenserhere!Needadispenserhere!Needadispenserhere!Needadispenserhere!

Regards,
N7 Destroyer and Harrier

[Dbohr]

I'm taking the Cerberus Psych Evaluation recordings to another thread, since they are coming up to be more serious than I originally thought, and really have more to do with fan creation than quick MP jokes. If you keep enjoying them, I'll keep doing them. The new thread is here:

http://social.biowar...index/13276794/

Modifié par Dbohr, 22 juillet 2012 - 06:21 .

[Lokiwithrope]

To: Vorcha Soldier and Sentinel
From: Commander Shepard
"Where the hell did you even learn how to use an omni-tool? That's impossible."

To: Commander Shepard
From: Vorcha Soldier and Sentinel
"Imeposible ther, not here! U go back to camepain! We stay an' kill!"

[Dbohr]

From: N7 Field Command
To: Operative N7 Fury 327, codename "Teah Dalma"
Subject: Use your medigel!

Operative, we have received complaints from several of your squadmates regarding your use -- or lack thereof -- of medigel. They say you spend precious time laying on the ground on the brink of consciousness when you could stand up and fight. You're an N7! You're supposed to set an exemple to all other soldiers out there. So don't fool around, operative. You go down, you use a medigel, and you go back into action.

-Rear Admiral Mikhailovich, N7 Field Command

---------------------

To: Rear Adm. Mikhailovich, N7 Field Command
From: Operative N7 Fury 327
Subjetc: Re: Use your medigel!

Tell that to the four Phantoms, three Banshees, six Pyros, nine Brutes I have... annihilated... while laying on the ground this last week alone, sir. There's a reason I take my time to medigel.

Respectfully,
Teah Dalma, N7 Fury 327

Modifié par Dbohr, 22 juillet 2012 - 06:42 .

[Aurora313]

Phantom,

B!tch, Please!

Regards,
N7 Shadow.

[Broganisity]

Lopirf wrote...
Just the way you fit that in perfectly with the song... I got really creeped out for a moment

...Song? What song?

[KentGoldings]

Memorandum

To: All Team Members
From: N7 Paladin
RE: revised emergency procedures

In the event of multiple Geth Prime attacks, the best place for team members is behind the man with the omni-shield.

Thank you for your attention to ths matter.

Modifié par KentGoldings, 23 juillet 2012 - 12:42 .