Arian Dynas wrote...
It's just... most of my life I've been a laughingstock, or a target, or a weirdo to be dismissed. Not a human being, not someone worth being called a friend, a lover, a teacher, or really anything but a thing. A toy, something to put a few interactions in and get amusement out of by watching it get angry and blow up.
Even the people who were nice to me either were because I was in a position similar to theirs, or because they were just faking it. Wanting to appear nice to "that creepy guy who's always alone with the arrogant sarcastic personality and the bad temper, I mean why doesn't that loser get some friends, seriously he's such a freak." or maybe out of a genuine attempt at compassion, but more like that extended to an injured dog than a human being.
It makes your skin kind of thin. I'm not good at this "having friends" thing, or this "interacting with others beyond your own carefully constructed shell of acerbic wit and caustic sarcasm meant to scare others away." When I bare my soul to people, it just, it feels like a raw wound, getting poked by people I trust, without the intention of healing it.
Hmm. You're 19... that's about the same time I had my "Public School 'Syndrome'" hit the fan. And yes, I'm relating to you, so sit down and take it!
That raw, open wound? Sometimes you've got to bleed it- vent. For me, that wasn't enough- I got put on an anxiety medication- Celexa. That took the edge off, but that didn't change the fact that I had extremely high epinephrine levels, hypochondriasis, or a case of agoraphobia so bad that I could rarely leave my house. But it was a start. I've spent somewhere around the last five years pushing myself further and further, realizing that after that wound is bled, it needs to be singed shut. Got a weakness? Strengthen it. Got a fear? Face it. It's the only way, in the end. And after you've conquered your issues, you can finely make peace with them- and it is, as Tali would say, "Totally Worth It".
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