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[Kohaku]

(Notice! Edits are being made to posts to include pictures! Yay. I took these from my playthoughs.)

This can also be accessed though this link: kerridankaiba.wordpress.com/

So I lied last night. I decided to try this when I was on the bus this morning. I may need some help though. I don’t think I’m that interesting of a person to do this all by myself. If anyone wants to add anything they certainly can. I’d really appreciate it.

I know you all love our men of Ferelden so much that you’d fight over them, with rocks and pointy sticks. So let’s put them in a show. Parade them around. Have some fun.

I think for now we can do the usual suspects. Calian, Alistair, Zevran, Maric, Loghain. Hm… who else? Wait. Maric is dead. No matter. He’ll be here. Trust me.

And no, Teagan is not in the show. He’s too awesome and would have won it already. That’s not fair to the other contestants now is it? That doesn’t mean Teagan isn’t going to be here. Oh no. He promised me cookies for speaking lines so I damn well am going to include him.

Here we go!


Nemiah: Welcome to Mister Ferelden 2009! We’re your hosts Nemiah and Noemi! I’m Nemiah and that girl over there, the one scowling, is my twin sister Noemi!
Noemi: They are going to have trouble telling us apart.
Nemiah: I’m the cute one.
Noemi: ~She smirks at her~ But I slept with Calian.
~Nemiah and Anora glare~
Nemiah: What?!
Noemi: I kid. Don’t look at me like that Anora. For Ferelden?
Nemiah: ~She looks around the audience and sees more women than men. The women look restless. She looks at her list of contestants and it seems pretty thin~ Uh. Are we going to have enough contestants for this?
Noemi: Apparently we’re waking the dead.
Nemiah: The dead? That doesn’t sound good.
Noemi: Jowan’s doing it.
Nemiah: ~Runs to the back behind the curtain~ So Jowan, still with Lily? I have a cottage just outside of Denerim. We can practice all kinds of dark magic there.
Jowan: I uh…
Cullen: ~Brandishes a sword~ Malificar! Die!
Noemi: No wait Cullen! We need Maric first! You can kill him after. Not before!
Nemiah: ~She jumps on Cullen’s back~ You jerk!
Noemi: ~She laughs nervously~ We are having some technical difficulties! After the break we’ll have our first contestant Calian!
Anora: ~She stands up~ You’re doing this on purpose aren’t you?
Noemi: I said I was joking! Who wants your husband anyway?!
Anora: Apparently all of Ferelden!
Nemiah:~There is a struggle behind the stage~ Stop it Cullen!
Cullen: No! He’ll get away! The mage has to go! ~He pull his sword over his head and cuts the curtains down, missing Jowan by inches~
~Jowan screams and runs out a side door with Cullen and Nemiah following close behind~

Modifié par Kerridan Kaiba, 07 janvier 2010 - 02:26 .

[amethyst_rose2009]

Oh, this is so awesome! *Squeals with excitement* I can't wait for the royal half-brothers themselves to appear .  And maybe their dad (even though he was dead and wasn't in the game).  Hey if he looks anything like his sons, that will be good enough for me.  You might want to add a dwarf (Bhelan, maybe? ).  I'm not exactly into evil dwarven kings or anything but someone out there might want to see a dwarf in a thong, who knows?  There will be thongs, right?   Only fair if the girls have to wear bikinis to these kinds of events. 

Also maybe Ser Gilmore.  That ginger haired hottie just didn't last long enough in the game. 

[Kohaku]

Anything works for me really. I'm writing this in Word so the spelling will be somewhat passable. I don't want to annoy people with this. If you want me to stop I certainly will.



~Scribbles Gilmore. Maybe Gorim?~

[TrinityDivine]

As long as you're using Jowan to bring back the dead, how about Awesome Beard himself - Duncan?

[Kohaku]

Last one for now.



Noemi: We’re back. I think crisis has been adverted and rituals are taking place in the back. Cullen is being held by my good buddy Sten. ~She points at him and he points back~ That’s my man.
Nemiah: For our first contestant! He doesn’t need any introduction! He’s fought dark spawn. ~She looks nervous as she says this~ Married a lovely, lovely woman.
Noemi: ~A sword comes out behind the curtains and is right under her neck~ Loghain please. We aren’t going to trash her on the national stage. Please take the sword away. Kay? Thanks.
Nemiah: And is the envy of every man in Ferlden, King Calian!
Calian: ~He waves, sits down and tosses his lovely locks~ Thanks for the glowing introduction.
Nemaih: ~She nudges Noemi~ Where did you meet Calian sis?
Noemi: Well there was this one time… when I was at lute camp…
Nemiah: ~She looks at Cailen and notices his lovely hair~ Oh? What do you do with your hair?!
Calian: Good grooming doesn’t start with the hair.
Zevran: True, too true.
Noemi: You aren’t been interviewed yet Zevran.
Zevran: How can I sit by and let the beauty talk pass me over hm?
Noemi: ~She puts her hands over her eyes~ Whatever works man.
Calian: As I was saying before being interrupted, Skin exfoliation first.
Zevran: Expensive ogre based shampoos are a must.
Calian: Anora’s Purple Passion Conditioner works wonder for the tangles.
Anora: You use… my shampoo?
Calian: Don’t all husbands?
Zevran: Beaver quill combs and brushes for luster.
~Nemiah is furiously scribing notes~
Noemi: Maker save me. Stop the madness.
Alistair: ~He peeks over her shoulder~ Is it time for me yet?
Noemi: ~She glances at him~ Do you want to talk about hair products too?
Alistair: I like my hair.
Zevran: Stop saying that. It’s dreadful.
Alistair: Hey! I use those same things Calian does!
Zevran: Really?
Alistair: ~He lowers his head~ Well no. I just wanted to sound important. My hair isn’t that bad is it?
Noemi: ~Pats him on the head~ Could be better. ~She tries to interrupt the others~ Come on people! This is a contest! We aren’t supposed to be talking about personal grooming! ~They ignore her~ Another break for our folks at home while I try to get this situation under control. You all are impossible.

Modifié par Kerridan Kaiba, 31 décembre 2009 - 02:00 .

[amethyst_rose2009]

Kerridan Kaiba wrote...

Last one for now.

Noemi: We’re back. I think crisis has been adverted and rituals are taking place in the back. Cullen is being held by my good buddy Sten. ~She points at him and he points back~ That’s my man.
Nemiah: For our first contestant! He doesn’t need any introduction! He’s fought dark spawn. ~She looks nervous as she says this~ Married a lovely, lovely woman.
Noemi: ~A sword comes out behind the curtains and is right under her neck~ Loghain please. We aren’t going to trash her on the national stage. Please take the sword away. Kay? Thanks.
Nemiah: And is the envy of every man in Ferlden, King Calian!
Calian: ~He waves, sits down and tosses his lovely locks~ Thanks for the glowing introduction.
Nemaih: ~She nudges Noemi~ Where did you meet Calian sis?
Noemi: Well there was this one time… when I was at lute camp…
Nemiah: ~She looks at Cailen and notices his lovely hair~ Oh? What do you do with your hair?!
Calian: Good grooming doesn’t start with the hair.
Zevran: True, too true.
Noemi: You aren’t been interviewed yet Zevran.
Zevran: How can I sit by and let the beauty talk pass me over hm?
Noemi: ~She puts her hands over her eyes~ Whatever works man.
Calian: As I was saying before being interrupted, Skin exfoliation first.
Zevran: Expensive ogre based shampoos are a must.
Calian: Anora’s Purple Passion Conditioner works wonder for the tangles.
Anora: You use… my shampoo?
Calian: Don’t all husbands?
Zevran: Beaver quill combs and brushes for luster.
~Nemiah is furiously scribing notes~
Noemi: Maker save me. Stop the madness.
Alistair: ~He peeks over her shoulder~ Is it time for me yet?
Noemi: ~She glances at him~ Do you want to talk about hair products too?
Alistair: I like my hair.
Zevran: Stop saying that. It’s dreadful.
Alistair: Hey! I use those same things Calian does!
Zevran: Really?
Alistair: ~He lowers his head~ Well no. I just wanted to sound important. My hair isn’t that bad is it?
Noemi: ~Pats him on the head~ Could be better. ~She tries to interrupt the others~ Come on people! This is a contest! We aren’t supposed to be talking about personal grooming! ~They ignore her~ Another break for our folks at home while I try to get this situation under control. You all are impossible.

LOL. I was hoping Cailan's would be about his luxurious hair and just how dang pretty he is.  Although I do have to side with Anora (gasp!).  I absolutely hate when my husband runs out of his manly-smelling-shampoo and uses my shampoo instead.

[Kohaku]

TrinityDivine wrote...

As long as you're using Jowan to bring back the dead, how about Awesome Beard himself - Duncan?

You never know. Nemiah could be back there getting him ready for a re-appearance.

[KnightofPhoenix]

lol That's awesome!

As the inventor of the Miss Ferelden thread, I approve of this haha

[AndreaDraco]

Can't wait for the rest!

EDIT: Oh, and go Zevran!

Modifié par AndreaDraco, 30 décembre 2009 - 03:22 .

[Taleroth]

C'mon stage accident!

[amethyst_rose2009]

You know Isolde is in the audience screaming "What no Teagan? Teaaaaaaaaagaaaaannnnnn!!!"

Although I too am a little disappointed Teagan will not be part of the lineup of hotties, I realize Ali and Cailan wouldn't stand a chance next to the Bann of Studliness!

Modifié par amethyst_rose2009, 30 décembre 2009 - 03:46 .

[Rivie]

I support this 100%

[Kohaku]

Hey now. We can't break the contestants yet. Right?

@amethyst Teagan cried a little. I made sure he knew he was still wanted. He then offered the cookie deal. The man is a charmer and has a way with words.

@KnightofPhoenix Thanks alot. I just wanted to see if I could do anything half as interesting as you did.

Modifié par Kerridan Kaiba, 30 décembre 2009 - 03:45 .

[amethyst_rose2009]

Kerridan Kaiba wrote...

Hey now. We can't break the contestants yet. Right?

@amethyst Teagan cried a little. I made sure he knew he was still wanted. He then offered the cookie deal. The man is a charmer and has a way with words.

@KnightofPhoenix Thanks alot. I just wanted to see if I could do anything half as interesting as you did.

Well, if Teagan needs a shoulder to cry on.........I'll be right over here..............fighting off the hordes of other women (and Isolde) offering their shoulders as well.

[KnightofPhoenix]

Kerridan Kaiba wrote...
@KnightofPhoenix Thanks alot. I just wanted to see if I could do anything half as interesting as you did.

You had the genius idea of having two twins. Twins! You already won my dear

[Kohaku]

Twins are twice the fun.

[Tirigon]

Nice work so far, BUT!!! you did one thing terribly, TERRIBLY wrong...
You should really NOT use Iowan to bring back the dead. It wont work. I wouldnt trust this looser to revive a cat which has still 8 lives left.... Instead, you might want to bring him in as contestant, after all he managed to seduce a rather pretty forbidden fruit... Though noone can understand how.

A few more people that should take part:

• Keeper Zathrian: The only real badass elf in Ferelden. And he manages to maintain his good looks even at an age of 300 or so.
• Vaughan: Renowned as the Casanova of Ferelden, experienced in seducing women with as little help as violence and 20 armed guards, he could really add some action to the show.
• Oghren: The biggest hammer of Orzammar - and that even when unarmed...
• Leske: Is there a woman who DOESN`T want to see his majesty (though its said to be rather soft lately)?
• Cammen: This young elf is a must-have. Pretending to be the innocent child, most women I know tell otherwise about him....
• Anora: Yea, I know, strictly speaking she is not as such a "Mister", but we all know that in her marriage with Caillan SHE was the one with the balls....
• Loghain: He doesnt need justification. Just ask Ser Cauthrien, and you WILL know why we need him.... Unless, he is not a contestant for the Teagan-reason. That might well be the case.
• Master Ignacio: He´s a crow. Says it all.
• Sten. His sword is not the only big thing about him.

[Taleroth]

I'd like to humbly nominate myself.

[Kohaku]

Tirigon wrote...

Nice work so far, BUT!!! you did one thing terribly, TERRIBLY wrong...
You should really NOT use Iowan to bring back the dead. It wont work. I wouldnt trust this looser to revive a cat which has still 8 lives left.... Instead, you might want to bring him in as contestant, after all he managed to seduce a rather pretty forbidden fruit... Though noone can understand how.

A few more people that should take part:

• Keeper Zathrian: The only real badass elf in Ferelden. And he manages to maintain his good looks even at an age of 300 or so.
• Vaughan: Renowned as the Casanova of Ferelden, experienced in seducing women with as little help as violence and 20 armed guards, he could really add some action to the show.
• Oghren: The biggest hammer of Orzammar - and that even when unarmed...
• Leske: Is there a woman who DOESN`T want to see his majesty (though its said to be rather soft lately)?
• Cammen: This young elf is a must-have. Pretending to be the innocent child, most women I know tell otherwise about him....
• Anora: Yea, I know, strictly speaking she is not as such a "Mister", but we all know that in her marriage with Caillan SHE was the one with the balls....
• Loghain: He doesnt need justification. Just ask Ser Cauthrien, and you WILL know why we need him.... Unless, he is not a contestant for the Teagan-reason. That might well be the case.
• Master Ignacio: He´s a crow. Says it all.
• Sten. His sword is not the only big thing about him.

Oh Loghain is totally in. I'm trying to work on him and another two guys at the same time.  I thought about Vaughn. He's enough of a sleezeball to try to make the contest about him. He maybe a mystery entry. However, I'll have to play the dwarf origins first before I really add any of them. Well maybe not Oghren.

[Kohaku]

Taleroth wrote...

I'd like to humbly nominate myself.

You know you're an honorary entry.

[Kohaku]

Last one for today.



Noemi: Welcome back folks. Our last contestant decided to go out into the audience and give some of our female member’s makeovers.
Nemiah: You’re so mean to me! I wanted one too!
Noemi: You’re a host. You’re not supposed to get free things from the contestants.
Nemiah: ~She pouts at her sister~ Whatever! ~She crosses her arms~
Noemi: Our next contestant is a serious contender for the title, “Most Influential Person of the Decade”.
Nemiah: His loins gave us our queen. ~She whispers to the audience~ This guy was super hot when he was younger.
Noemi: Put your hands together for Teyrn Loghain!
Loghain: ~He comes out with a scowl and nods at them~ Pleasure I’m sure.
Cauthrien: Loghain! ~She jumps at the stage and has to be pulled back by Sten. She grabs on to the stage ~ What’s the meaning of this?! This shouldn’t even BE a contest! He IS Mister Ferelden!
Loghain: ~He uses his foot to push her hands off the stage~ Stop it woman.
Cauthrien: ~She falls into Sten’s arms~ That was an accident! I love you! So much that it hurts!
Anora: ~She glares at her~ Stay away from my father!
Cauthrien: You stay away from him you… you harpy!
Anora: Harpy?! ~She grabs onto her hair and they fall into the band and bards that were playing~
Logahin: ~He looks unconcerned~ Ask your questions please.
Nemiah: But your daughter and your knight are fighting.
Logahin: That is of no concern to me. Anora will gain the upper hand. She’s feisty.
Noemi: But there’s blood…
Neimah: Lots of blood. I think someone is missing an ear.
Logahin: Anora? ~He jumps into the fray~
Noemi: What in the hell is with these people? Are we ever going to get some hard hitting questions out of them?
Neimah: This is Ferelden. What do you think?

Modifié par Kerridan Kaiba, 31 décembre 2009 - 02:00 .

[amethyst_rose2009]

That was hilarious! I don't know whether to root for Anora or Cauthrien.  I hate them both equally.  Go Sten!

Modifié par amethyst_rose2009, 30 décembre 2009 - 05:37 .

[Catwall]

This thread is just what my morning needs today. Gracias! I can definitely understand why Teagan has to sit this one out (too much awesome for one man, let alone a competition) - I'll just root for Cullen instead.

[ReubenLiew]

Where is Sten? This is a travesty! Qunari right activist, formate!

[Kohaku]

But he's the bodyguard. He loves protecting the twins. Gives him direction in life.