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[fyredragon10]

Help! I need opinions to see what I need to work on, like general things such as details or information and such for a spur-of-the-moment story I'm working on. Please read and tell me what you think.
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    The priests in red robes gathered in a circle around a pentagon drawn into the cement floor with red chalk. It was inside a temple of the goddess Aasterinian, and today the priests were composing a ceremony to raise her from the planar world. Slowly, they gathered, the males chanting in low voices. The high priestess, an old woman in red cloth with the design of dragons on the bottom, stood at the tip of the pentagon.
     “Today is the day, my children! We shall raise Aasterinian, the goddess of fire! Chant, my children, chant,” she cried, in pure ecstasy. She held an old tome with ancient symbols of dragons on the cover. The drummer played, channeling the magical energy, then sped up the pace of the drumming. The chanters matched the pace in their deep, resounding voices. The high priestess licked her lips in anticipation, then read the spell aloud. It was in ancient Draconic, spoken in a guttural voice.
     Soon enough, the pentagon began to glow. The candelabra-lit summoning room suddenly lit up and got hotter…. much hotter. The middle of the pentagon burst into a tiny circle of flames, somehow moving in a circle and not growing or going out, big enough that there could be a person standing in the circle of embers. The flames crackled and sputtered, not burning the floor, and avoiding touching any of the still chanting priests. A strange red light pulsed from the floor like a circular wave. It’s working[/i], the high priestess thought in proud triumph.
     The tiny circle of flames grew in height, becoming something like a circular wall of flames, planar and impenetrable. First, a black and red pair of armored feet appeared inside the flaming circle. The ancient flaming goddess was beginning to appear slowly. Then came her armored shins with ancient symbols in a forgotten language. Next, her thighs… then her pelvis…. her armor was that of an ancient time passed, long forgotten and ancient. Her torso appeared, wrapped in fine black cloth, her chest, and then her pointed draconic-like wings, as red as shining rubies. Finally, her neck and head materialized, with fair skin, full lips with a hint of fangs, red eyes with her pupils like vertical slits similar to a dragon’s, and soft, heel-length red hair.
     She spread her arms out, quick as lightning, shattering the flaming wall encasing her. The priests continued chanting, and the draconic fire goddess doubled over, as if in pain. The pentagon flashed brighter, the red pulsing lights continuing, almost thrashing out into the room. She roared loudly, her roar sounding exactly like that of a dragon, and covered her ears with her ancient gauntleted hands.
     The ceremony was almost over, but something went wrong. The high priestess could sense it. The goddess Aasterinian was not supposed to act like she was. Quickly, she put her hands in the air, motioning for the chanting priests and the drummer to cease. Aasterinian then stood up in all her glory and beauty, tall, lean, and agile. “Aasterinian, goddess of the flames, we have summoned you here to grant us eternal wealth and glory,” the priestess said. Silence echoed throughout the room. Aasterinian’s eyes narrowed. These mortals pulled her out of the planes--incorrectly, too--just to do their bidding? The priestess awaited her answer, fearing that their ritual had failed to bind her to their will on this mortal earth.
     In one fluid motion, Aasterinian leaped from the binding pentagon out at the high priestess and unsheathed her Kamas...

[IAGTTBleed]

fyredragon10 wrote...

Help! I need opinions to see what I need to work on, like general things such as details or information and such for a spur-of-the-moment story I'm working on. Please read and tell me what you think.
__________________________________________________________________________________________
 
    The priests in red robes gathered in a circle around a pentagon drawn into the cement floor with red chalk. It was They were inside a temple of the goddess Aasterinian, and today the priests were composing preparing a ceremony to raise her from the planar world. Slowly they gathered, the males chanting in low voices. The high priestess, an old woman in red cloth with the design of dragons on the bottom, stood at the tip of the pentagon.
     “Today is the day my children! We shall raise Aasterinian the goddess of fire! Chant my children, chant!” she cried in pure ecstasy. She held an old tome with ancient symbols of dragons on the cover. The drummer played, channelling the magical energy, then sped up the pace of the his drumming. The chanters matched the pace in their deep, resounding voices. The high priestess licked her lips in anticipation then read the spell aloud. It was in ancient Draconic, spoken in a guttural voice.
     Soon enough the pentagon began to glow. The candelabra-lit summoning room suddenly lit up and got  began to get hotter…. much hotter. The middle centre of the pentagon burst into a tiny circle of flames, somehow moving in a circle rotating and not growing or going out, big enough that there could be was room for a person to standing in the circle centre of embers the fire. The flames crackled and sputtered, not burning the floor, and avoiding touching any of the still chanting priests. A strange red light pulsed from the floor like a circular wave. It’s working!, the high priestess thought in proud triumph.
     The tiny circle of flames grew in height, becoming something like a circular wall of flames, planar and seemingly impenetrable. First a black and red pair of armored feet appeared inside the flaming circle flames. The ancient flaming goddess was slowly beginning to appear slowly. Then Next came her armored shins covered with ancient symbols in a forgotten language. Next, Then her thighs… then her pelvis…. Her armor was that of an ancient time passed, long forgotten and ancient. Her torso appeared, wrapped in fine black cloth, her chest, and then her pointed draconic  like wings, as red as shining rubies. Finally her neck and head materialized with fair skin, full lips with a hint of fangs and soft heel length red hair. Her red eyes with her had pupils like that were vertical slits similar to a dragon’s. and soft, heel-length red hair.
     She spread her arms out quick as lightning, shattering the flaming wall flames encasing her. The priests continued chanting and the draconic fire goddess doubled over, as if in pain. The pentagon flashed brighter, the red pulsing lights continuing, almost thrashing out into lighting up the room. She  Aasterinian roared loudly, her roar sounding exactly like that of a dragon, and covered her ears with her ancient gauntleted hands.
     The ceremony was almost over, but something went had gone wrong. The high priestess could sense it. The goddess Aasterinian was not supposed to be act acting like she was. Quickly, she put her hands in the air, motioning for the chanting priests and the drummer to cease. Aasterinian then stood up in all her glory, and beauty tall, lean, and agile beautiful. “Aasterinian, goddess of the flames, we have summoned you here to grant us eternal wealth and glory.” the priestess said. Silence echoed throughout the room. Aasterinian’s eyes narrowed. These mortals pulled her out of the her plane incorrectly too just to do their bidding? The priestess awaited her answer, fearing that their ritual had failed to bind her to their will on this mortal earth.
     In one fluid motion Aasterinian leaped from the binding pentagon out at the high priestess and unsheathed her Kamas...

Instead of just commenting, I decided to go through your post and do an editing job on it.  I crossed out unnecessary words and made changes in red.  You had a tendency to repeat descriptions and used way too many commas. I had to remove lots.  Most of the changes were just to keep the flow of language nice and smooth.  You did a good job with the High Priestess, It was clear that she was in over her head after asking for wealth and glory.  The best compliment I can give you is the fact that I enjoyed this so much that I had give you a response.  I hope this is constructive for you.

I want to know what happens next!