Area man, returning from a vacation in Orlais, "Can't believe those homos once conquered Ferelden!"
Local Qunari Arrested after a "friendly dispute"
"It was just a harmless beating" Said the 8 foot tall behemoth, "That little girl will do fine without her father for a while."
The Onion Reports from Ferelden
Débuté par
CBGB
, déc. 31 2009 06:13
Retour en haut
#27
Posté 02 janvier 2010 - 06:32
NvVanity
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Teryn Loghain Voted Strategic Retreater of The Year
King Cailan Sex-Scandal
"I caught him in bed with Duncan's beard" says Queen Anora.
King Cailan Sex-Scandal
"I caught him in bed with Duncan's beard" says Queen Anora.
#28
Posté 02 janvier 2010 - 06:37
Kimarous
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Someone do some about Morrigan/Flemeth and Connar's possession!
#29
Posté 02 janvier 2010 - 06:41
tmp7704
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Relationship between local witches gone sour
Our Chasind reporter suggests bad stew a possible reason.
Our Chasind reporter suggests bad stew a possible reason.
#30
Posté 02 janvier 2010 - 07:13
AtreiyaN7
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I officially love the silly helmets topic. 
#31
Posté 02 janvier 2010 - 08:12
Warden24
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Ok ok, here's my try...
Local minstrel arrested, accused of subliminal messages in her songs
“I go to the tavern to escape the Chantry claptrap!” Cries Teyrn Loghain
Chant of Light, now available in a 479 DVD box set, with commentary!
Mabari, loyal hound or savage creatures attempting to take over the world
whines
New weapons/armor laws instigated throughout the land, including annual inspections
“I swear I was walking down the street, and next thing I know, my back is stuck to a lamppost.”
Word of the week: Enchantment!
New wild life preserve opened near Weisshaupt fortress
“They called them something like horses…strangest things I ever seen.”
Darkspawn sympathizers on the rise
“They’re people too!”
The Craft of War written by Loghain Mac Tir, set to hit stores soon
“I read a sampler of chapter one, it details how to retreat in great length. Apparently, you can do it anytime.”
Weapon regulations and permits look to be the new topic at the next Landsmeet
“What kind of cheese are you cutting with that thing?”
Next on World’s Strictest Parents: Flemeth
“You’d think she was possessed the way she treats her kids.”
Blood Magic for Dummies, by Jowan
“If I can do it, anyone can!”
Lake Calenhad declared Off Limits until further notice
“I seen a whole slew of templars and mages by the docks, with a whole wagon full of bags. Reeked to the heavens it did.” Cries one boatmen
Pauldron finally found, though it seems to hardly match
Inside joke for the TES fans out there
Local minstrel arrested, accused of subliminal messages in her songs
“I go to the tavern to escape the Chantry claptrap!” Cries Teyrn Loghain
Chant of Light, now available in a 479 DVD box set, with commentary!
Mabari, loyal hound or savage creatures attempting to take over the world
whines
New weapons/armor laws instigated throughout the land, including annual inspections
“I swear I was walking down the street, and next thing I know, my back is stuck to a lamppost.”
Word of the week: Enchantment!
New wild life preserve opened near Weisshaupt fortress
“They called them something like horses…strangest things I ever seen.”
Darkspawn sympathizers on the rise
“They’re people too!”
The Craft of War written by Loghain Mac Tir, set to hit stores soon
“I read a sampler of chapter one, it details how to retreat in great length. Apparently, you can do it anytime.”
Weapon regulations and permits look to be the new topic at the next Landsmeet
“What kind of cheese are you cutting with that thing?”
Next on World’s Strictest Parents: Flemeth
“You’d think she was possessed the way she treats her kids.”
Blood Magic for Dummies, by Jowan
“If I can do it, anyone can!”
Lake Calenhad declared Off Limits until further notice
“I seen a whole slew of templars and mages by the docks, with a whole wagon full of bags. Reeked to the heavens it did.” Cries one boatmen
Pauldron finally found, though it seems to hardly match
Inside joke for the TES fans out there
Modifié par Warden24, 02 janvier 2010 - 08:15 .
#32
Posté 02 janvier 2010 - 08:18
westiex9
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Warden24 wrote...
Pauldron finally found, though it seems to hardly match
Inside joke for the TES fans out there
Lol reminds me of my Imperial legion day's, near impossible to find matching equipment!
#33
Posté 02 janvier 2010 - 08:19
Warden24
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westiex9 wrote...
Warden24 wrote...
Pauldron finally found, though it seems to hardly match
Inside joke for the TES fans out there
Lol reminds me of my Imperial legion day's, near impossible to find matching equipment!
LOL, I knew somewhat would get it, amen to that.
#34
Posté 02 janvier 2010 - 08:21
westiex9
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Warden24 wrote...
westiex9 wrote...
Warden24 wrote...
Pauldron finally found, though it seems to hardly match
Inside joke for the TES fans out there
Lol reminds me of my Imperial legion day's, near impossible to find matching equipment!
LOL, I knew somewhat would get it, amen to that.
Amen indeed
Are you looking for the Career oppurtunity of a lifetime? The Legion of the Dead are hiring!
Darkspawn Threat considered secondary in importance to Legion of Zombie cats currently in Denerim say's senior regency spokesman
Arl Howe Proclaimed "Most hated man in Ferelden" by popular vote
Damp stairways leading cause of death among elderly mages says unnamed source in the circle
Lack of ingame Hand to hand combat criticised by forumites Silent Sisters unavailable for comment
Modifié par westiex9, 02 janvier 2010 - 08:28 .
#35
Posté 02 janvier 2010 - 08:36
Jestert
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All hail the bastard king.
Onion editor beheaded on order of the new king.
Animal rights group decry drake and dragon scale armors.
Rampaging Golem at Chicken farm
Drunken dwarf walks into a bar.
Archedemon parts fetch high price at auction.
Low budget horror film about an innocuous camp site tops weekend box office.
Traps found to be dangerous to people and ineffectual against wolves.
Public complains mages are OPed, needs nerfing.
New Nug cookbook riles pet owners.
Onion editor beheaded on order of the new king.
Animal rights group decry drake and dragon scale armors.
Rampaging Golem at Chicken farm
Drunken dwarf walks into a bar.
Archedemon parts fetch high price at auction.
Low budget horror film about an innocuous camp site tops weekend box office.
Traps found to be dangerous to people and ineffectual against wolves.
Public complains mages are OPed, needs nerfing.
New Nug cookbook riles pet owners.
Modifié par Jestert, 02 janvier 2010 - 09:21 .
#36
Posté 02 janvier 2010 - 08:44
shree420
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Great thread!
More Onion Reports from Thedas:
Ogres complain about Warriors climbing them with Knives: "It's demeaning", an Ogre said. "How would they like it if genlocks climbed up them everytime they attacked?"
Among Warriors, however, Ogre Knife-Climbing is considered an Achievement, and now has become an extreme sport.
Lack of rains and snow in Ferelden not a problem, claim Ferelden farmers. Everything's done with irrigation.
Bandits in Denerim claim proportionate representation on Denerim town councils. "There's more of us than there are honest people in Denerim."
Archers refuse to reveal the secret of the famous Curving Arrow, which swerves in midflight to hit moving opponents.
Ferelden man had a scary experience the other day. His wife asked him, "Does my butt look fat in this robe?" and he lazily said yes. Next thing he knows he's being attacked by an Ash Wraith.
Bann Teagan and Ser Perth accept culpability for the attack across the Lake that caught the town militia unawares in the Siege of Redcliffe. "How were we to know the Zombies had a Marine Unit?"
More Onion Reports from Thedas:
Ogres complain about Warriors climbing them with Knives: "It's demeaning", an Ogre said. "How would they like it if genlocks climbed up them everytime they attacked?"
Among Warriors, however, Ogre Knife-Climbing is considered an Achievement, and now has become an extreme sport.
Lack of rains and snow in Ferelden not a problem, claim Ferelden farmers. Everything's done with irrigation.
Bandits in Denerim claim proportionate representation on Denerim town councils. "There's more of us than there are honest people in Denerim."
Archers refuse to reveal the secret of the famous Curving Arrow, which swerves in midflight to hit moving opponents.
Ferelden man had a scary experience the other day. His wife asked him, "Does my butt look fat in this robe?" and he lazily said yes. Next thing he knows he's being attacked by an Ash Wraith.
Bann Teagan and Ser Perth accept culpability for the attack across the Lake that caught the town militia unawares in the Siege of Redcliffe. "How were we to know the Zombies had a Marine Unit?"
#37
Posté 02 janvier 2010 - 09:48
MatronAdena
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6 more Denerim Cats found slaughtered, officials point to rise in " feline gang" related activities.
" Doing Andraste " replaces shooting up lirium as Fereldens new number one recreational past time
The blight, long thought to be the work of evil, tainted demons has
now taken a new tone as guards charged with removal of the arch
demon's body made a startling discovery, Onion senior reporter
Tien Duras has the details.
" Thank you dick.... Most of us have come to see the blight as an act
of the maker, or those cast from the makers light...some believe this
might even be the act of a long forgotten goddess experiencing a case
of PMS, however two Denerim guards discovered while removing the 6 ton
carcass before elves could scavenge it for much needed food, that the
arch demon had, in fact had a thorn stuck into it's paw."
" just a regular thorn?"
"That's right, Were told that the arch demon was most likely strolling
through the wilds, taking a vacation from its drab, and dank
underground life to enjoy some sun, and may have stepped on a rose bush
while picking flowers."
" so this blight is believed to be a result of this?
"...Yes, yes....it seems that the mass army was merely a cry for
attention...much in the same way one may see elven servants grow
skinny, and unresponsive when they decide they don't want to work any
more, or Dwarves urinate on near by people... It's believed now that
the slaughters here could have been avoided entirely if only someone
had simply walked up and " plucked the thorn" from it's paw."
" I bet the wardens are feeling pretty silly right about now..."
" indeed they are, some early reports suggest charges may even be filed against several remaining members. despite the recent falling death of one of their members, which is being ruled as " a very bad idea" relatred death by the house of medical clergy "
" Alright, Keep us updated.... Up next.... Pike twirling....much more than your vision at stake...."
" Doing Andraste " replaces shooting up lirium as Fereldens new number one recreational past time
The blight, long thought to be the work of evil, tainted demons has
now taken a new tone as guards charged with removal of the arch
demon's body made a startling discovery, Onion senior reporter
Tien Duras has the details.
" Thank you dick.... Most of us have come to see the blight as an act
of the maker, or those cast from the makers light...some believe this
might even be the act of a long forgotten goddess experiencing a case
of PMS, however two Denerim guards discovered while removing the 6 ton
carcass before elves could scavenge it for much needed food, that the
arch demon had, in fact had a thorn stuck into it's paw."
" just a regular thorn?"
"That's right, Were told that the arch demon was most likely strolling
through the wilds, taking a vacation from its drab, and dank
underground life to enjoy some sun, and may have stepped on a rose bush
while picking flowers."
" so this blight is believed to be a result of this?
"...Yes, yes....it seems that the mass army was merely a cry for
attention...much in the same way one may see elven servants grow
skinny, and unresponsive when they decide they don't want to work any
more, or Dwarves urinate on near by people... It's believed now that
the slaughters here could have been avoided entirely if only someone
had simply walked up and " plucked the thorn" from it's paw."
" I bet the wardens are feeling pretty silly right about now..."
" indeed they are, some early reports suggest charges may even be filed against several remaining members. despite the recent falling death of one of their members, which is being ruled as " a very bad idea" relatred death by the house of medical clergy "
" Alright, Keep us updated.... Up next.... Pike twirling....much more than your vision at stake...."
Modifié par MatronAdena, 02 janvier 2010 - 10:34 .
#38
Posté 02 janvier 2010 - 10:17
Jester8183
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This thread is the vary definition of excellence. Keep it up people!
#39
Posté 02 janvier 2010 - 12:14
jasonirma
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Lush forests, beautiful landscapes, amazing overhangs all OFF LIMITS since glass zoning laws enforced. "It's just maddnening--I can see the forest: it's RIGHT THERE," says local gardener. The upside according to the Mage's Circle? "There hasn't been a single drowning: people aren't falling into water like they used to. And people don't get lost wandering looking for adventure!"
#40
Posté 02 janvier 2010 - 12:51
shree420
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Casteless is the New Caste, claims dwarven 'reformer'. "It's what every dwarf kid wants to be", says 50 Coppers, "You ain't hip, you ain't down, 'til you had a-wall-smashin' time in Dust Town!"
Heresy! Chantry sister claims the standard bending-over blessing giving is murder for her back. She'd prefer to give her blessing while standing up straight.
Darkspawn protest the name given to their "kind". "It's light-ist", says the Darkspawn."We prefer to be known as the Goodly Challenged Birthed."
Heresy! Chantry sister claims the standard bending-over blessing giving is murder for her back. She'd prefer to give her blessing while standing up straight.
Darkspawn protest the name given to their "kind". "It's light-ist", says the Darkspawn."We prefer to be known as the Goodly Challenged Birthed."
#41
Posté 02 janvier 2010 - 01:25
KnightofPhoenix
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Something stirs in the east.
Is Qunari invasion imminent?
Miss Ferelden 2009 voted as show of the year.
And best presenter of the year. (
)
Old Tree talks and rhymes.
Is cutting trees wrong?
Is Qunari invasion imminent?
Miss Ferelden 2009 voted as show of the year.
And best presenter of the year. (
)Old Tree talks and rhymes.
Is cutting trees wrong?
#42
Posté 02 janvier 2010 - 03:44
Warden24
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LOL, I was trying to think of something for the tree for my post and couldn't come up with anything funny, good one KnightofPhoenix.
#43
Posté 02 janvier 2010 - 07:26
jayhawk97
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Blackstone Irregulars Begin Eating More Fiber
Considering name change...
Considering name change...
#44
Posté 02 janvier 2010 - 08:29
Eleinehmm
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<Lore mode on>
KnightofPhoenix - But there is nothing in the East - It should be in the North.
<Lore mode off>
Keep the thread up :-)
#45
Posté 02 janvier 2010 - 08:46
shree420
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Warden takes the 5th hidden level in Coercion.
Manages to enlist, for the final battle:
1. Local Darkspawn in Brecilian Forest and Orzammar
2. Mad hermit, Treants and Great Oak
3. Walking corpses in Redcliffe, Orzammar
4. Denerim bandits
5. Random encounter darkspawn
6. Tegrin the itinerant merchant
7. Kitty
8. Boatman at the Mages Tower
9. Innkeepers of Ferelden
10. Brood mother
Oh, yes, he also manages to induct Loghain into the Grey Wardens, with Alistair as King and Loghain as King - Consort. Anora jumps off the highest tower in Fort Drakon, however( you need Coercion 6 to avoid that.)
Of course, with Level 7, you can convince the Archdemon to commit suicide.
Manages to enlist, for the final battle:
1. Local Darkspawn in Brecilian Forest and Orzammar
2. Mad hermit, Treants and Great Oak
3. Walking corpses in Redcliffe, Orzammar
4. Denerim bandits
5. Random encounter darkspawn
6. Tegrin the itinerant merchant
7. Kitty
8. Boatman at the Mages Tower
9. Innkeepers of Ferelden
10. Brood mother
Oh, yes, he also manages to induct Loghain into the Grey Wardens, with Alistair as King and Loghain as King - Consort. Anora jumps off the highest tower in Fort Drakon, however( you need Coercion 6 to avoid that.)
Of course, with Level 7, you can convince the Archdemon to commit suicide.
#46
Posté 02 janvier 2010 - 08:54
Zavrian
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Cult of the Risen Andraste offers viable alternative to Chantry
Safe haven for Blood Mages (except you, Jowan) and they'll teach you a funky fighting style!
Casteless Dwarves abandon Orzamaar
"Harrowmont's an idiot and Bhelen is just using us," say voluntary self-exiles. "We'll try our luck up here."
Golem volunteers for animal control
Specializes in birds
Qunari and Humman Commoners want to know
"Hey, where are our origins?"
Safe haven for Blood Mages (except you, Jowan) and they'll teach you a funky fighting style!
Casteless Dwarves abandon Orzamaar
"Harrowmont's an idiot and Bhelen is just using us," say voluntary self-exiles. "We'll try our luck up here."
Golem volunteers for animal control
Specializes in birds
Qunari and Humman Commoners want to know
"Hey, where are our origins?"
#47
Posté 02 janvier 2010 - 09:05
Lotion Soronarr
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Ping Pong a New Craze Among Earl Howe Tortures
"We end up breaking a lot of balls, but there's always more prisoners!"
Oh The Humanity!
Desire Demon sues local Warden for sexual harrasment.
Morrigans New Book, "Secrets to Fertility" a Massive Hit
"If a Warden can shoot straight now, so can you!"
Outrage at the Landsmeet!
Dog defeats the Thyerin in a duel, takes a ****** on the corpse.
Unexpected Knight of the Year Results
The challenger came out of nowhere, and surprised everoyone.
Altough no one we talked to knows how he looks, the brave knight has won the heats of the masses, in no small part due to a inspireing balade sung by local bards.
Wherever you are, we salute you Ser Schmooples!
"We end up breaking a lot of balls, but there's always more prisoners!"
Oh The Humanity!
Desire Demon sues local Warden for sexual harrasment.
Morrigans New Book, "Secrets to Fertility" a Massive Hit
"If a Warden can shoot straight now, so can you!"
Outrage at the Landsmeet!
Dog defeats the Thyerin in a duel, takes a ****** on the corpse.
Unexpected Knight of the Year Results
The challenger came out of nowhere, and surprised everoyone.
Altough no one we talked to knows how he looks, the brave knight has won the heats of the masses, in no small part due to a inspireing balade sung by local bards.
Wherever you are, we salute you Ser Schmooples!
Modifié par Lotion Soronnar, 02 janvier 2010 - 09:06 .
#48
Posté 02 janvier 2010 - 09:12
NvVanity
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Dragon AIDS
The famous Grey Warden for defeating the Blight recently passed away. Evidence found in his journal indicates he drank AID's infested dragon blood. "He did it for the specialization" says King Alistair.
The famous Grey Warden for defeating the Blight recently passed away. Evidence found in his journal indicates he drank AID's infested dragon blood. "He did it for the specialization" says King Alistair.
#49
Posté 02 janvier 2010 - 09:55
Jestert
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Enviornmentalist sound alarms over thinning veil.
#50
Posté 02 janvier 2010 - 10:29
Theramond
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This just in...
Anora forced to eat soggy brown cake-like object...
Poor commoner seen at Lothering with an extraordinary beard... Claims it gives him "unique powers."
Warden makes deal with desire demon. Says he was cheated as there was a "lack of cutscene," but refuses to comment on further details...
Paranoid mother accuses pubescent daughter of tinkering with blood magic.
Environmentalists claim that fireball causes global warming. This is further substantiated by the lack of rain.
Warden invents new pastime called "swamp wading." Says a previous conversation with one of his companions inspired him.
Anora forced to eat soggy brown cake-like object...
Poor commoner seen at Lothering with an extraordinary beard... Claims it gives him "unique powers."
Warden makes deal with desire demon. Says he was cheated as there was a "lack of cutscene," but refuses to comment on further details...
Paranoid mother accuses pubescent daughter of tinkering with blood magic.
Environmentalists claim that fireball causes global warming. This is further substantiated by the lack of rain.
Warden invents new pastime called "swamp wading." Says a previous conversation with one of his companions inspired him.
Modifié par Theramond, 03 janvier 2010 - 12:35 .
