211 réponses à ce sujet

[HereticBrony]

A Cerberus Trooper walks up to an Alliance Infiltration Unit and yells, "GAH!"
The Alliance Infiltration Unit them promptly uppercuts him and he goes flying far out of the map's boundries, the Alliance Infiltration Unit then vibrated violently while shouting, "JOHN MADDEN" until a Phantom stabs it in the torso.

[Original Twigman]

I don't geth it....

[DullahansXMark]

What is Kai Leng's favorite band?

Slayer.

Why did the Turian Engineer use Sabotage?

What else is he gonna use?

Modifié par DullahansXMark, 04 mai 2013 - 01:24 .

[bondiboy]

A drunk Salarian decides he is going to try his luck with an Asari Vanguard. Within seconds he is smashed to the floor and the Asari storms off. His mates come over and ask him what happenned . "I was trying to make polite conversation and just asked her what does she usually charge "

[PureGeth]

Did you hear? An all Asari gang has attacked what was left of Horizon

Elcor : Serious: They never saw it coming.
Amused : You could say the attack came...
With Pride : Out of the blue.


Excited: Yeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh.

[Scathen]

An entire spawn of Cerberus troops was taken out by grenades when they asked an Asari Vanguard for a lift.

Said Vanguard was also naked. When asked what she was doing on the battlefield without her clothes, she replied, 'Killstreaking.'

[Doni]

PureGeth wrote...

Did you hear? An all Asari gang has attacked what was left of Horizon

Elcor : Serious: They never saw it coming.
Amused : You could say the attack came...
With Pride : Out of the blue.


Excited: Yeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh.

Oh man, reading the yeeeeaahhh! part in Elcor monotony totally made that joke.

[EVILFLUFFMONSTER]

Scathen wrote...

An entire spawn of Cerberus troops was taken out by grenades when they asked an Asari Vanguard for a lift.

Said Vanguard was also naked. When asked what she was doing on the battlefield without her clothes, she replied, 'Killstreaking.'

Yup.

[follis2]

What does the Vorcha say when he dies? I'M ALIVE!

Modifié par follis2, 04 mai 2013 - 07:07 .

[Kirrahe Airlines CEO]

PureGeth wrote...

Did you hear? An all Asari gang has attacked what was left of Horizon

Elcor : Serious: They never saw it coming.
Amused : You could say the attack came...
With Pride : Out of the blue.


Excited: Yeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh.

Dude, that made me tear up with laughter when I read that in the elcor's voice. :lol:

Anyway, a juggernaut and a prime are thunderdoming. A krogan warlord appears and what does he say when he jumps between them? STOP! Hammer time. Then proceeds to smash them both in the face with his biotic hammer. 

Modifié par The Krauser, 04 mai 2013 - 07:42 .

[stysiaq]

Okay, I'll try to make a terrible joke now.

Za ten suchar wezmę puchar.

So, two Krogans are at the bar on the Citadel drinking Ryncol and talking about Krogan stuff. Suddenly they see a group of four Salarians in fancy uniforms entering the bar, looking down at them and then proceeding to the VIP area of the bar.

"I bet you wouldn't win a drink-off with them", one of the Krogans says.

"Are you crazy?" The other shouts, "a slimey Salarian doesn't stand a chance in a drink off with an infant Krogan, let alone me!"

"Well, that may be true, but they will count as one. They drink one shot each, you have to drink four. And mind that these weren't regular Salarians."

"How so?"

"You've seen their uniforms. They're STG. Salarians don't get more badass than that. They're like Pyjaks that could get a kick and still be alive. So, what do you say?"

"All right, the bet is on".

They approach the waitress, explain the thing to her, they open the tab and the challenged Krogan walks into the VIP area, with waitress rolling a barrel of liquor after him.

The other Krogan stays at his and his friend's table. Suddenly, he hears some noises from the VIP room. He hears some talking, then laughter, then he sees the waitress running out screaming. Finally he hears a lot of rumbling and gunfire. Finally, his friend exits the VIP room, covered in liquor and something that looks like puke. He holds a bottle of liquor in his hand, but when he tries to drink from it he can't even find the way into his mouth. He staggers, but he somehow reaches their table and falls down on the chair.

The other Krogan looks at him and asks:

"What happened back there!? Did you win the bet?!?!"

And the other answers in a strangely high pitched voice:

"The Salarian STG team was shot down".

Modifié par stysiaq, 04 mai 2013 - 08:15 .

[snowstrike610]

a salarian infiltrator walks into a bar after a tough mission and goes to get a drink. He sees a buddy of his lying on the floor. He goes to to help and asks what happens. "I was asking someone if she wanted to have a blast and dance,next thing i know i'm on the floor"was his response and he points to the adept he was asking. The salarian looks and shakes his head " this is what happens when you ask an over-alert adept to have a blast... you go flying instead.

[Magniflyer]

stysiaq wrote...

Okay, I'll try to make a terrible joke now.

Za ten suchar wezmę puchar.

So, two Krogans are at the bar on the Citadel drinking Ryncol and talking about Krogan stuff. Suddenly they see a group of four Salarians in fancy uniforms entering the bar, looking down at them and then proceeding to the VIP area of the bar.

"I bet you wouldn't win a drink-off with them", one of the Krogans says.

"Are you crazy?" The other shouts, "a slimey Salarian doesn't stand a chance in a drink off with an infant Krogan, let alone me!"

"Well, that may be true, but they will count as one. They drink one shot each, you have to drink four. And mind that these weren't regular Salarians."

"How so?"

"You've seen their uniforms. They're STG. Salarians don't get more badass than that. They're like Pyjaks that could get a kick and still be alive. So, what do you say?"

"All right, the bet is on".

They approach the waitress, explain the thing to her, they open the tab and the challenged Krogan walks into the VIP area, with waitress rolling a barrel of liquor after him.

The other Krogan stays at his and his friend's table. Suddenly, he hears some noises from the VIP room. He hears some talking, then laughter, then he sees the waitress running out screaming. Finally he hears a lot of rumbling and gunfire. Finally, his friend exits the VIP room, covered in liquor and something that looks like puke. He holds a bottle of liquor in his hand, but when he tries to drink from it he can't even find the way into his mouth. He staggers, but he somehow reaches their table and falls down on the chair.

The other Krogan looks at him and asks:

"What happened back there!? Did you win the bet?!?!"

And the other answers in a strangely high pitched voice:

"The Salarian STG team was shot down".

Lol, naprawdę nie masz co robić. Zacny suchar, milordzie 



One of the people I used to play with once said: Volus are the only ones that can teabag in this game.

[stysiaq]

A Drell tries to leave the store after he's done his Cryo Ammo shopping. He angrily pushes the door with all his strength, but they just won't budge. He calls the Justicar store owner.

"Maybe you'll try to Pull it", she says.

Modifié par stysiaq, 04 mai 2013 - 08:39 .

[Computron2000]

Why aren't toilet bowls found in the shuttle?
Because there's always no time for aerial bombardment

[stysiaq]

An N7 operative walks into a store.

"*ksssk* How can I help you, Earth-clan?" the store owner asks.

The operative scratches his head and checks his Omni-tool.

"Well", he says, "I need upgrades for the M7-Lancer, some shield boosters and some medi-gel"

The store owner checks his console.

"*ksssk* Very well. This will be..."

"No, no, no!" The human interrupts, laughs, and gives the clerk a blindfold. "Just put five random things in my cart. I'm feeling lucky today. Here's 99000 credits for your trouble".

[stysiaq]

No brakes on the pathetic jokes thread.

A Quarian lieutenant had a Geth platform, a Salarian sniper and a Turian Sentinel under his command. He was asked by the HQ to recommend one of his subordinates to be promoted to sergeant rank. Unfortunately, none of his subordinates knew how to dodge, which had a devastating impact on their performance.

"I've had it with you", the Quarian lieutenant said, "I need to promote one of you, and you can't even dodge! I'm sending you three to my sister. She's an expert on dodging, I want to see you dodge like proffesionals when you come back. This will help me make up my mind."

After a week or so, the squad returns.

"So, any success, you wimps?" The sergeant asked suspiciously. "You!" He pointed the Salarian. "Learned anything useful for your last decade?"

Salarian side-hopped, nodded and started to talk:

"Of course, sir. The side-hop technique is fully comprehensible for a Salarian mind. All I needed was counsel with a psychologist who helped me fight away my deeply ingrained phobia of..."

"Enough!" The lieutenant interrupted. "And you, scrap-metal?" he poked the Geth platform in the flashlight.

"The creator Lieutenant is correct. Excersises conducted by your sister helped us observe and deduct similarities between Quarian muscle weave and this platforms fiber patterns. We are ready to incorporate the gathered data.."

"Enough!" The lieutenant shouted angrily and approached the Turian. "Now, you. Did you learn anything?"

The Turian scratched his forehead and pondered for a while. "I didn't learn sh*t about dodging, Sir", he began. "On the battlefield I'll be still stiff as a cadaver. But your sister is a fine piece of a*s."

"Congratulations, sergeant!" The Quarian shook his hand. "At least one of you gets his priorities straight."

[GriM_AoD]

xD

[stysiaq]

If you don't think a joke can be worse than the last one, check twice!


***

A Turian and Human operatives talk to each other on a shore leave.

"So, how was your last mission?" The Quarian asks.

"Well, it went rather well... we extracted."

The Human is clearly not in the right mood, so the Quarian investigates further.

"Come on, what's on your mind?"

"Well, if you're asking," the Human replies, "I think I lost my bagpack I brought along with me. I had some stuff there."

"What stuff?"

"Like some personal stuff. My compuuter. I had a lot of cat pictures on the hard drive."

The Turian laughs. "Ha! That's not a problem. Just write to the HQ that there's a lost Geth device back there and describe your bagpack. I'm sure they'll send a team after it in no-time!"

"You think it would work?"

"Well, " the Turian pauses, "at least that's how I got myself a new dishwasher."

[Magniflyer]

OK I don't know if anyone's going to catch it but:

A team of Krogan gets to wave 3. Hackett: Hack the terminal and start the upload. Krogan: ......

Stysiaczku może już starczy xD

[gabry96]

Where do the Turians live when they are on Earth?

HOSTELS!

[Jugger nuggss]

What do you get when you add 2 Tuchanka and 2 Tuchanka?

4 TUCHANKAAA

[BronzTrooper]

How do you get a one armed Vorcha out of a tree?
Wave to him.

What did the Vorcha say to the Jugg?
"Big Machine!!!!"

What did the Vorcha call the Awakened Collector?
"Monster!!"

What did the Vorcha say when he got rejected by an Asari?
"Pain!!!"

What does a Vorcha call a Volus?
"Squishy ball!!!"


Group of Vorcha get to wave 3.

Hackett: "Start the upload."

The Vorcha look at each other.


Three Krogan are fighting Cerberus and a Turian jumps in.

The Turian says, "Oh sh*t.  Krogan."

The Krogan Battlemaster says, "Oh great.  Turian."

Turian gets downed and doesn't get revived by the Krogan.

Turian leaves and is replaced by a Salarian.

Salarian says, "Multiple Krogan.  Problematic."

Krogan Battlemaster says, "Looks like we're gonna have to do all the work cause Salarians can't fight."

Salarian proceeds to outscore all three Krogan.

Modifié par Gamer072196, 08 mai 2013 - 11:33 .

[stysiaq]

Is the ME3 MP on the WiiU broken?

No, it's working as Nintendo.