The Amethyst Show: DA Meets BG2 (Part 5)
Announcer: And now once again it's time for The Anomen Show......
Cammen: Ahem. Since I am clearly the hottest guy around, I think it would be in everyone's best interest if I host the show now. Let's show Ferelden how sexy a Dalish elf can be! *sways his hips provocatively as the girls in the audience swoon*
Aerie: I hope you're happy, gentlemen! You've created a monster!
Haer'Dalis:
*sigh* No need to remind me, my wingless dove. It was my fault for leaving him alone with a full bottle of Essence of Haer'Dalis. It's dangerous for someone as ugly as Cammen to come into contact with so much sexiness all at once. And if Imoen had done as I asked and watched him, this would never have happened! *glares angrily at Imoen*
*Imoen happily takes new shoes out of boxes with her new best friends Liselle and Shale*
Imoen: Oh these velvet Orlesian shoes are just darling! *squeals happily* I adore the lovely pink ribbons that tie up the ankles. What do you think, Liselle? How do they look on me?
Liselle: Oh they are quite beautiful on your dainty little ankles, Imoen. What does our new friend Shale think?
Shale: Oh they are quite lovely indeed. How do these sparkly jewels make me look? They don't make me look fat, do they?
Imoen: No Shale. You look radiant!
Anomen: *rolls eyes* This is not a fashion show ladies! *shoves Cammen off the stage*
Imoen: Oh but it should be, Anomen! Please just for today!
Shale: It doesn't have better things to do, does it? It would have just bored everyone to tears. Now a fashion show is something everyone would enjoy.
Liselle: I have brought two of Orlais' most famous designers to be here today. My dear friends Francois and Pierre are here all the way from the glittering city of Val Royaux, not like the ugly cesspool you know as Ferelden.
Anomen: Well I do have to agree with you there. Ferelden does have a certain distinctive odor about it, doesn't it? The smell is worse than the slums of Athkatla!
Liselle: It smells like wet dog!
Francois: *laughing haughtily* Like a wet dog that died two weeks ago!
Teagan: Oh that's just cold.
Still, I'm rather fond of Orlesian women myself, so I won't complain. *winks at Liselle* Oh how I miss Isolde.............................okay I'm over it now.
Fraincois and Pierre: We have brought all of you dirty, tacky Fereldens some decent Orlesian clothes to wear for today's show. *They start handing out beautiful silk Orlesian clothing to the audience as the audience admires the delicate fabric in awe.
Anomen: My show is being hijacked today. First by the ugliest elf in all the realms! Then by this Orlesian fashion duo, who should have just stayed on West's show. <_<
Cammen: Hey! The ladies don't think I'm ugly. They can't get enough of me. *girls in audience run their fingers through Cammen's short blonde hair*
Haer'Dalis: Oh you just wait until my designer fragrance wears off, you cur! You'll be lucky to attract a female toad with that face! <_<
Cammen: Jealous! All of you are just jealous of my immense beauty. *sticks tongue out at Anomen, Teagan, and Haer'Dalis*
Francois: Pierre, have you ever seen such delicate beauty? Just look at those lovely elven features. The overly large nose, the pasty skin, the deep set beady eyes. Strange, normally I wouldn't think those were attractive features, but suddenly I can't keep my eyes off of him.
Pierre: Me either, Francois. It's like looking at angels from the heavens! His immense beauty is just too blinding for the comman peasant to gaze upon.
Francois: Come, Cammen. We shall take you away from this filthy, putrid place and take you to the glittering jewel that is Orlais!
Camman: Um, but what about my adoring fans?
Francois: You'll have new Orlesian fans to adore you, wearing only the finest Orlesian silk and velvet with long flowing blonde curls and delicate, perfect hands, adorned with glittering bands of gold.
Pierre: Heh heh, not to mention the cleavage.
Orlesian girls have such plump, luscious ............
Teagan: *drools*
Can I come too?
*The studio doors blast open as an angry Loghain storms onto the stage*
Loghain: What in all of Thedas is going on here?
Irenicus: Loghain, must you police every citizen in Denerim? We really should get to our plan of world domination.
Loghain: Yes, yes, world domination is important and all, but I will not have my Fereldens prancing around like Orlesian circus clowns.
Francois and Pierre: Circus Clowns?!
But they're beautiful in our creations, no?
Loghain: <_< No!
Francois and Pierre: Awww......
:crying:
Loghain: *takes out his sword* Now if the two of you don't run as fast as you can back to Orlais, I'm going to gut you like the filthy Orlesians you are! Death to Orlais!
Francois and Pierre: Agghhhhhhh!!!!!
*The two fashionable Orlesians flee screaming from the building as Loghain charges toward them with his sword drawn*
Irenicus: *sigh* Why must world domination always be put on hold?!!!!
Edwina: There you are fiend! I knew I would eventually catch up with you.
Irenicus: Woman, you missed the last time and sent two defenseless souls into the oblivion. Haven't you learned your lesson? Stupid, foolish tavern wenches should never wield powerful magic!
Edwina: Why you pompous fool! I'll show you!
*Edwina blasts a powerful bolt of magic toward Irenicus as he ducks behind the pretty, fashionable golem*
Shale: What is
it doing? Get out from behind me at once!
*Suddenly Shale is hit with the powerful blast and falls hard to the floor*
Irenicus: See, crazy tavern wench! You missed! You will learn not to mess with the handsome and powerful Irenicus.
Shale: *looks at herself and realizes that she now has squishy dwarven parts* Aghhhhh!!!! Nooooooo!!!!!!! What has it done to me?????? *Shale quickly grabs a large case of make up and throws it high in the air to hit Irenicus right between the eyes, knocking him out cold and spilling beautiful shades of red and pink makeup all over his stubbled face*
*The beautiful petite dwarven woman with flowing, curly reddish-blonde locks stands up in her elegant Orlesian gown and quickly turns to look at herself in a nearby mirror*
Shale: I'm.......I'm........squishy!!!!!!
:crying:
:crying:
Imoen and Liselle: Oh but you're absolutely beautiful Shale!
:wub:
*Sten suddenly turns the corner wearing a handsome blue-silk Orlesian shirt and stops dead cold when he sees the new Shale*
Sten: Shale?
Is that you?
Shale: *stares in disbelief at Sten's long white hair as it trickles gracefully over his broad, muscular shoulders* Sten? You're.......you're so handsome!
Sten and Shale:
Imoen: Aww......true love. Isn't that sweet? Well at least something good came out of the fashion show.
Irenicus: *holds his throbbing head* Ugh, what happened? Why am I covered in makeup?
*Sten and Shale stare dreamily into each other's eyes as they both punch Irenicus in the head knocking him out once again*
Sten: Shall we my darling Shale?
*Sten holds out his strong hand as Shale takes it into her own dainty dwarven hand and they walk off into the sunset........er.......cluttered stage together *
******************************************************************************************************************
Somewhere in another realm..............................
Amethyst: We've got to find this Viconia person now more than ever. That vampire stole my Ali!
:crying:
Morrigan: Yes, tis most urgent we find that dim-witted ex-templar!
Amethyst: Aww, I didn't know you cared Morrigan. You're nothing but a big softie, aren't you? *hugs Morrigan*
Morrigan: Ugh, do get off of me, you emotional elf. Tis most uncomfortable! I just need to make certain that Alistair gets back to Ferelden in time for the ............um.......
Amethyst: *confused look* In time for the what?
Morrigan: Well.......the wedding of course! What else would I be thinking of? Nothing dark and diabolical, I assure you. *rolls eyes* And certainly nothing that involves being knocked up with Alistair's demonspawn.
Amethyst, Zevran, and Oghren:
Wha????
Amethyst: *nervous laugh* Oh, she's joking, right? I never even knew you had a sense of humor.
Morrigan: *sighs* Yes, twas........a joke. *frowns* Now can we please find this Viconia! And Minsc would you and your rodent stop staring it me and drooling. Tis making me ill.
Minsc: *gasp* Did you hear that Boo? We must try harder to please the lovely Morrigan. We are failing in our duty to make her a happy witch!
We'll do whatever you wish of us, my lovely swamp witch.
Morrigan: *sigh* I hope my mother is quite happy with herself! Wicked woman and her evil sense of humor to force me to spend time with this insane group of people. <_<
Amethyst:
Uh........anyway......shouldn't we be looking for Viconia?
Jaheira: Be wary. That sneaky dark elf likes to lurk in the shadows. Oh and before we find her, let me just warn you about putting your trust blindly in her. She would rather stab you in the back rather than look at you.
Zevran: Mmmm, sounds like my kind of woman.
Oghren: Ha, sounds like Branka! Ahh, good times........
*A beautiful and mysterious Drow woman suddenly steps from behind a large stone tomb*
Viconia: *rolls eyes* I see you are still telling lies about me Jaheira! You always were jealous that Aurora paid more attention to me than she did to you.
Jaheira: That's not true. If I remember correctly you spent most of your time stuck here in this graveyard while the rest of us went on adventures. *smirks proudly*
Viconia: *glares at Jaheira* That's not the way I remember it. I remember escorting all of you through the Underdark. Without my help, you all would have been food for the mind flayers! Hmpf, foolish stinking surfacers!
Morrigan: I think I like this woman already.
Jaheira: We would have been fine without your help. I knew at any moment you were going to betray us!
Yoshimo: Here we go again........ Ladies, please!
Jaheira: Oh you're one to talk, Yoshimo. You're the most treacherous one of all, rogue!
Amethyst: Please stop fighting. Viconia, we need your help finding my fiance, Alistair, and our friend Leliana. We were told you could help us find them.
Viconia: *sighs* No doubt that foul-smelling, handsome surfacer pirate told you to come and find me. Fine, I will guide you through the Underdark to find your friends, but only because Captain Maric ain't half bad in bed.
Amethyst:
Uh....... That Maric really likes elves.
Jaheira: And obviously has no taste either, apparantly bedding anything with pointy ears. *glares at Viconia*
Viconia: Oh he has taste. That's why he never bedded you, Jaheira. *angry glare*
Oghren: Ladies, who needs Maric when you've got Zev and me to uh.......keep you warm in your tent at night? *wink* Huh, heh heh. *takes a big gulp of dwarven ale and releases a burp loud enough to wake the dead*
Zevran: Uh.......you're really not helping, my ill-mannered dwarven friend.
Viconia: *sighs* Anyway, your friends are being held on an island far from here, but there is a shortcut through the dark, dangerous passages that I once called home. I will warn you however that travelling with me will cause people to like you less and random people will just attack you for no reason, other than the fact that you travel with a Drow.
Morrigan: Trust me, I'm an apostate. If we can handle the discrimination that we encounter from me being an apostate, then we can handle anything these people have against dark elves. How bad could it be anyway?
Moments later..................................................................
Mysterious voice: You have been waylaid by enemies and must defend yourself.
Amethyst, Oghren, Zevran, and Morrigan: *looking around in confusion* Huh? Who said that?
Jaheira: That's not important! The dark elven fiend has drawn attention to us and townspeople are storming toward us with torches and pitchforks!
Amethyst:
Well that can't be good.
Viconia: *sighs* Not again! Stupid, narrow-minded surfacers. Why do they always have to assume that the Drow are evil, black-hearted, treacherous snakes?
Jaheira: Oh, I don't know.............Maybe because they are!
*Viconia and Jaheira glare at each other as townspeople forcibly grab the party and tie them to tall wooden stakes.*
Zevran: Well I think our luck just went from bad to worse, my lovely warden.
Oghren: This reminds me of this funny game that Branka and I used to play. She would tell me to get undressed, then she would tie me up, and.....
Amethyst: Oghren! That isn't helping. Aww, how are we ever going to find Ali now?
Zevran: Look at it this way, my tearful warden. You still have me. *winks*
Oghren: And me. *blows kiss*
Amethyst: *sighs* Anyone have any ideas?
Morrigan: *shapeshifts into a snake and slithers away*
Amethyst: Just great. And now even Morrigan deserts us.
Minsc: Morrigan, my beautiful swamp witch! Don't leave us! Boo is too young to die!
Townspeople: Set them afire! They're in league with the evil Drow. Burn them!!!!
Zevran:
And I thought Fereldens were uptight. You know what you people need is a good massage. *winks* A good massage can cure even the worst tension.
*The townspeople set fire to the wooden stakes*
Amethyst: *rolls eyes* I don't think they're in the mood for one of your famous massages, Zev.
Zevran:
They don't know what they're missing.
*Suddenly a small figure wearing heavy armor and wielding a long silver sword storms through the crowd in a fury, hacking and slashing her way to the wooden stakes as a large python chases after the fleeing townspeople*
Jaheira: *big relieved smile* Mazzy, you came to save us!
Zevran: See Amethyst. Have no fear, a small child has come to our rescue!
Mazzy: I am no small child, handsome elf. I am a halfling knight, experienced in battle. You would be wise to show me some respect. *The tiny halfling woman raises her silver sword and quickly slices through the ropes* Good to see you again, Jaheira. And good to see you're staying out of trouble.
To be continued........................................................
Modifié par amethyst_rose2009, 11 mars 2010 - 09:54 .
Retour en haut
Ha, I love Francois and Pierre. They should do another show...........you know, if Fiona doesn't kill them, lol. That was hilarious about the muzzle. If only Thorin had been there. He would have laughed his a** off. 
