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[Apophis2412]

Ladies and Gentleman, we interrupt Loghain’s sentence for this special announcement:

From Francois Quatorze, personal secretary to her Imperial Highness Celene I of Orlais.
 
Although the Orlesian State does not acknowledge the legitimacy of this court and the Ferelden Monarchy it does have the desire to see criminals recieve their proper punishment.
 
By Imperial Degree, Loghain Mac Tir is found guilty of the following crimes:
 
-Regicide of the rightful ruler of Ferelden, His Royal Highness Meghren I.
-Consorting with the infamous rebel, Maric Theirin.
- Being a member of a terrorist organisation.
- Slandering the name of the His Imperial Highness Florian I.
- Armed provocations and  attacks against Orlesian soldiers.
-High treason against the the State of Orlais.
 
We therefore ask this court to sentence Loghain to death or hand Loghain over to the Orlesian Courts where he can bet ried for his crimes.

Modifié par Apophis2412, 11 janvier 2010 - 04:33 .

[amethyst_rose2009]

@ Apophis2412:

Oh my, handing Loghain over to the Orlesians.  That wouldn't be pretty.  His head would be on a fence post in front of the palace, I'm sure. And while that might be interesting to see, the Fereldon Dragon Chase team needs their ruthless, blood-thirsty team captain, so the Orlesians will just have to wait til the off-season to have Loghain.

[Tirigon]

Apophis2412 wrote...

Ladies and Gentleman, we interrupt Loghain’s sentence for this special announcement:

From Francois Quatorze, personal secretary to her Imperial Highness Celene I of Orlais.
 
Although the Orlesian State does not acknowledge the legitimacy of this court and the Ferelden Monarchy it does have the desire to see criminals recieve their proper punishment.
 
By Imperial Degree, Loghain Mac Tir is found guilty of the following crimes:
 
-Regicide of the rightful ruler of Ferelden, His Royal Highness Meghren I.
-Consorting with the infamous rebel, Maric Theirin.
- Being a member of a terrorist organisation.
- Slandering the name of the His Imperial Highness Florian I.
- Armed provocations and  attacks against Orlesian soldiers.
-High treason against the the State of Orlais.
 
We therefore ask this court to sentence Loghain to death or hand Loghain over to the Orlesian Courts where he can bet ried for his crimes.

NO. Period.

There will be NO handing over of anything to French Orlaisian ****suckers. Not even of Loghain. They can come to see his execution, if they want to. But only if they are nice. And if not, I´ll tell Genitivi to eat them alive.

Genitivi: I wouldn´t want to eat an Orlaisian! Just that I´m undead doesn´t mean I have no taste!

Ok, ok, you hear it. No eating alive of Orlaisians. But they shall behave nevertheless.



BTW, it´s time for an announcement: Genitivi is - like Shianni and metal lingerie - a constant part of my Show.
I watched Corpse Bride at saturday night, and since then I´m sort of in love with Undead . So he willl, from now on, be one of my running - and eating - gags. Shianni approves of this. And, no worries, Genitivi will NOT wear metal lingerie, that will be limited to me and Shianni (and our guests, if they are hot, of course. So, if you want to visit me in the studio, amethyst_rose, that´s all right:kissing:<3:wub:).

[amethyst_rose2009]

Announcer: And now it's time once again for The Amethyst Show!!!!

*Silly lounge music begins to play as the camera pans around the stage from the band to Amethyst*

Amethyst: Hello everyone and welcome to the Amethyst Show.  Before we get started, I just want to say that Sandal Rocks!!!!  He is one bad-a** little dwarf!

*camera pans to the other side of the stage where Sandal is practicing his kick-a** samurai moves on Branca, a hundred golems, Marjolaine, Anora, and the high dragon*

Alistair: He's my hero!


Alistair: *plays with awesome Duncan action figure with retractable beard and brand new Super Samurai Sandal action figure complete with sparkly runes - press a rune to hear Sandal shout "Enchantment!"


*In mere seconds Sandal has all of his opponants on the floor in a huge pile of blood, rock, and dragon scales*


Herren (Wade's assistant): *Herren jumps up from the audience and grabs the scales quickly before anyone notices* Ha, Wade will love me forever when I give him these!


Alistair:


Amethyst: Ahh, how cute.   Anyway, thanks for the entertainment there Sandal. The audience just can't get enough of Anora getting her a** kicked.  Well, I certainly can't anyway.  *giggle*  I'm your host and this is my co-host Alistair......

*From the other side of the stage Anora catches Sandal unawares and does a karate jab to the dwarf's forehead, causing him to stumble backward.  With blood dripping from his forehead he hunches into a samurai stance and jumps high into the air and spins, kicking Anora to the floor in a loud thud!*

*The band starts playing "Ku Fu Fighting" again as the fight continues*

Alistair: *tilts head slightly to get better view as Sandal spins and does a high-kick hitting Anora in the abs as she falls to her knees in pain* Ew......that's gotta hurt!

Amethyst: Ummm...........well the producer is pointing at his watch so we have to bring our next guest out here.......

*Anora does a body slam on Sandal and knocks the wind out of him*

Amethyst:  Oh dear.........um ........our next guest hails from the illustrious palace in Denerim complete with it's tapestries of hounds, it's massive wooden doors with carvings of hounds, and an elaborate wooden throne with, you guessed it, a carving of a hound.  What can I say?  Fereldons love their stinky hounds........

Dog: Whines sadly.

Amethyst: Oh no, I didn't mean you.  No, you're not stinky.  Who's the adorable little puppy? *pets Dog affectionately and then promptly sprays can of air-freshener in the air* 

Dog: *rolls eyes*

Amethyst: Anyway, here's King Cailan!!!!!

Alistair: *folds arms and makes adorable pouty face as he glares at his brother taking a seat beside him*

Amethyst: Cailan ......um.....I mean your Highness. Thank you so much for joining us on our show today.......

Cailan: *interrupting* W.......wait .......is that Anora over there getting her a** kicked by a small child?

Amethyst: Um........*motions for Sten to come out on stage and do something about the fight* Hee-hee *nervous beads of sweat appear on forehead* Um........I haven't noticed.  Is......that.....her? *pretends to get a better look*  N....no I don't think that's Anora, just some other woman wearing a crown.

Cailan: Oh, you misunderstand.  I don't care.  Her affairs are her own.  I was told (very firmly I might add) to stay out of her affairs - and her bedroom. *mumbles angrily under his breath*

*Sandal kicks Anora to the floor and grabs her head with his small hands and slams her head hard on the floor*

Amethyst and Alistair:

Cailan: Do you think my hair looks bad today? It's the damn cold, dry winter air.  Oh, I just hate the way it makes my hair look so dry and lifeless.  I like my hair to shine.

Alistair: Oh I know exactly what you mean.  I just couldn't do anything with my hair today.

Amethyst:  *rolls eyes and sighs*

Cailan: Oh do shut up, you royal wannabe!

Alistair: Wannabe?!  I'm going to be king after you get squished by an ogre!

Cailan: Whatever are you going on about? *sighs* You're just jealous you're not as pretty as me.

Alistair: Am not!

Cailan: Are too!

Alistair: Am not!

Cailan: Are too, infinity!

Amethyst:  *sighs heavily* Boys!!!!  Um......I mean your Highness and Alistair.......you are both very handsome young men.  There's no need to fight.

Cailan: But I'm more handsome than him. *reaches over and punches Alistair in the arm*

Alistair: Are not! *punches Cailan in the arm*

Cailan: Am too! *punches Alistair in the arm*

*From across the stage, Anora whips her leg and sweeps Sandal's legs out from under him as he falls hard to the floor*

Amethyst: *sighs and taps fingers loudly on the desk* Sten!!!!

*Sten rushes out from behind the curtain and grabs Anora from behind as she flips and kicks Sten in the head knocking him out cold*

Amethyst: *puts face in hands as she allows her head to fall hard on the desk* Please tell me this isn't happening!

*Alistair and Cailan start grabbing at each other's hair*

Amethyst: Boys!!!!!!  Don't make me use my fireball on the two of you!

Cailan and Alistair: *make adorable pouty faces and retake their seats* Okay........he started it!

Amethyst: I don't care who started it, but I'm going to end.........wait, what am I talking about?  *sighs*  Anyway, Cailan, so I here you're going to be taking your troops down to Ostagar soon.

Cailan: The blight must be stopped and I intend to be the one to stop it. *flashes gallant, hero-like smile* I'll be riding in on my griffon, waving my mighty golden sword through the air........*takes out awesome 'King Cailan riding a Griffon' action figure complete with flowing golden locks*

Alistair: *makes pouty face* Why don't I have my own Alistair action figure?

Cailan: Because you're a complete doofus, that's why!  *continues playing with King Cailan and Griffon action figure when he notices Alistair playing with his Duncan action figure*  You have a Duncan action figure? Wow, can I see it?

Alistair: Yep, comes complete with retractable beard. *hands Cailan the awesome Duncan action figure*

Cailan: Wow, this is so awesome! Oooh look, swords! *checks out Duncan's two dragonsbone swords* Here you can play with this one. *Hands Alistair the King Cailan riding a Griffon action figure*

Alistair: Coool! Thanks!

*Cailan and Alistair play with action figures as Sandal and Anora continue to fight on top of the unconscious Sten*

Amethyst: *frowns and rolls eyes* Oh, just forget that I'm even here........


Zevran: *walks up behind Amethyst carrying massage oil* You seem very tense my lovely elven mage.  How about I relieve some of that built-up tension for you with one of my infamous massages?  I have rope! *smiles slyly*

Amethyst: *glares at Alistair and Cailan as they continue playing with their action figures* Deal!

*Amethyst and Zevran sneak off backstage*

Alistair: *looks up confused* Ameth.........Oh well.....*holds up the King Cailan action figure* Die filthy Darkspawn! King Cailan and his Griffon are here to save the day!

Cailan: Oooh wait!  *holds up the awesome Duncan action figure* And here comes the mighty Duncan and his awesome manly beard*

Sandal and Anora: 







*Blue Screen*

Announcer: Fereldon TV is currently experiencing technical difficulties......please stand by........ 

Modifié par amethyst_rose2009, 12 janvier 2010 - 05:24 .

[westiex9]

Live from orzammar's exclusive Diamond quarter studio's its late nights with west!

(opening music)

West: Welcome to the show folks! tonight we have a special treat lined up fill em in thorin!

Thorin: King Harrowmont as a gesture of thanks for saving him from last nights show has sent several units from the royal guard to the surface to retrieve or convince guests to come to orzammar from all the way in the Brecillian forest.

Fiona: thats right folks! tonight we will be interviewing A werewolf, A mad hermit and a cantankerous storyteller! you won't want to miss it!

West: so on to our first guest! hes furry,sharp-toothed and likely the inspiration for the song leader of the pack its swift Runner!

(nervous clapping)

Thorin: don't worry folks the guards assure me the chains are unbreakable

Swiftrunner: GRRRRRR!!!! who dares chain me!!

West: now now after you ate our messenger we had no choice, so lets get on with the interview
 
iona: Awwww hes so cute!!! who's a adorable puppy!!

Thorin: only you could find a 8-foot werewolf cute

Fiona: Awwwww can we keep him please!!

SwiftRunner: how dare you treat me this way! i am no pet to be cuddled and chained! i am swiftrunner!!!

Fiona: awww come one what if i tickled you here(tickles the wolves belly)

Swiftrunner: stop that hahahaha....i am going to kill you when i break these chains...ahahahahaha

West:alright but only if you feed him and empty his litter box

FIona: yay!!! i will call you Sir Fluffbert after my last dog!!

Swiftrunner: i am no dog!! i am swiftrunn....is that a bone!!

Fiona: only if your a good dog

SwiftRunner: very well milady!(whimpers) must...fight nature....sooooo....degrading!!!

Thorin: Great now we've got another barely stable creature to worry about!

West: Well that interview was more like an animal exhibition so lets bring out our next guest! Folks   give a warm welcome to our next guest! its the mad hermit!

Mad hermit: wah why is this bag on my head....they sent you didn't they!!!

West: only if by them you mean  Orzammar broadcasting incorporated hehe! so mister hermit tell us a about yourself

Mad Hermit: answer a question and you may ask one!

West: okaaayyyyyy.....fire away....i think....

Mad Hermit: Are you a tree!!!

West: riiiighhhhtttt so you think that a tree would choose to live in an underground city sorrounded by fire....No im a platypus

Mad Hermit: ha that remains to be seen! very well ask a question

West: how do you....welll....you know....answers natures call

Mad hermit: I use the little druids room, the paper is made from bark and theres a small smelly hole.

West: Bark toilet roll....i am suddenly glad i never liked camping.....anyway your turn

Mad Hermit: if your not a tree why is that "dog" trying to whizz on your chair!!

West: yuck!!! Fiona control your dog!!!

Fiona:(bashes chair over swiftRunner's head) BAD DOG!! If you need to pee go to dust town and use a castless

SwiftRunner:All the pretty flowers........

West: i am not a tree!!

Mad  hermit: thats what they all say!

West:anyway my turn!!  If your a hermit then how did you get all that fancy stuff we saw at your campsite!!

Mad hermit: simple theres a wall mart in the brecillian  Forest!!!

Thorin: Jeeze Walmart are outsourcing to other dimensions now! is nowhere safe

Fiona: quite breaking the fouth wall!!!

West: RIGHT!! MOVING ON!!! he's a dalish, he's passive agressive, he's Sarel!!!

Sarel:Andaran A'tishan Freind it is an honour to be on your sho.....what is that thing doing here!!

Fiona: what you mean sir Fluffles

Swiftrunner: thats not my name!!!


Sarel: i mean that filthy beast


Thorin: i wouldn't say that if i were you

West: Makers breath Everyone Crisis positions Duck and cover!!!

Fiona: you take that back!! sir fluffles is adorable

SwiftRunner: I hafe you all so much....ooooohhhhh bone!!!

Sarel: that beast must die!! panowen!!! join me we must slay this beast!!!

Panowen:that thing killed my husband!!!!!

Fiona:  THAT DOES IT!!! ILL KICK YOUR POINTY EARED BUTTS

Panowen: you did not just go there

Fiona: Bring it sister your going down!!!

(Panowen leaps at fiona!)

Panowen: skank

Fiona: frigid bronto!!

Sarel: now you die dog!!!

Swiftrunner: hmmm these chains are loose(breaks chains) hehehe

Sarel: nice doggie(backs away)

(swiftrunner mauls sarel)

West: quick go to commercials!!!


Fiona: gotcha by your ears beam me up mister spock(tugs ears)

Panowen: Creators!! get this psycho off me!!!

Thorin: Get that camera out!!!

Due to technical problems the show has closed early!

While our security work to save the show from total anarchy heres a clip of a kitten eating fish:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-PGJsKTTSaA&feature=fvw

Modifié par westiex9, 12 janvier 2010 - 11:50 .

[amethyst_rose2009]

westiex9 wrote...


FIona: yay!!! i will call you Sir Fluffbert after my last dog!!


SwiftRunner: very well milady!(whimpers) must...fight nature....sooooo....degrading!!!

ROFL!  West, that was hilarious.

[Tirigon]

*Orlaisian music plays*

Tirigon: Dear Ladies and Gentlemen, today, we are sending from the beautiful hills of ORLAIS! With me are my all-time companions Shianni and Genitivi. (And no worries, dear Orlaisians, Genitivi won´t eat you, he got taste.) I wanted to bring Loghain, too, but he said he wouldn´t enter Orlais if not to - I quote him - "shove my blade up every Orlaisian ass I see". I know, you perverted people would like to see that, but we are not promoting violence. Even more important, Ferelden is currently unable to lead a war against Orlais. That´s why Loghain was left in the studios with Amethyst. I´m sure she will Lovingly care for him. By the way, Loghain wishs all Fereldans a long and good life and all Orlaisians a painful death....

Shianni: You are probably wondering why we are here, aren´t you?

Genitivi (chewing on someone´s leg): Of course you are! BUT! We are nice fellows. We´ll tell you.

Tirigon: Right. We are here to investigate why everyone - Loghain, me and most Fereldan´s nonwithstanding, of course - LOVES Orlais so much.
You saw the first reason in the beginning, of course. Orlais is simply BEAUTIFUL. But that´s not all, of course. If this would be the only reason, we would simply invade Orlais, slaughter everyone and conquer the land, wouldn´t we?

Genitivi: As an Undead I approve of this. We wouldn´t want to eat the dead Orlaisians, of course, but many Fereldans would die, too. They taste good. Besides, killings are always fun, hehe.

Shianni (slightly appalled): Ehm, right.. Well, so what are the reasons we are NOT doing this?

Tirigon: The first and most important reason are the women, of course - Most of you have slept with Leliana, I know, and many would DREAM of sleeping with Isolde, too. Both are incredibly hot and sexy women. And both are Orlaisians. Even more incredible, though, is that compared to the Redheads I´ve ... met ... here, both of them are ... lower average. If you´re benevolent. Shianni is not Orlaisian, of course, but besides of her, Orlaisian women are simply the BEST IN THE WORLD. Period. That´s a fact.

Shianni: The men are ... incredible, too. We are not sexist, women shall see reason to love Orlais, too!

Genitivi: I know when I was alive I enjoyed some Orlaisian women myself. I would have agreed. But now I really have to add that Orlaisians taste TERRIBLE. I prefer Fereldans every time.

Tirigon: Whatever, don´t listen to him, we are not a Cooking show, hehe. No need to eat Orlaisians. You can have MUCH more fun with them, I tell you.

*Shianni nods and smiles dreamily*

Tirigon: So, well, the next reason is their ACCENT, of course. Listen to this:

Oh, Maker.... Whenever I hear this voice I wish I was still with Leliana... And I feel a strong need to ... polish my sword. Really strong. Like in STRONG LIKE AN OGRE, you know?

Shianni: That reminds me of something... The Orlaisian law states that in every show their National Hymn, the Orlaisiaise, must be played. Maybe now is the time for that, while me and my Darling go over to these trees and ........  fullfill certain needs invoked by this unbelievably hot accent...


*the Orlaisian National hymn is played; Tirigon and Shianni walk away; you see pictures of the Orlaisian palace and the empress waving*

Modifié par Tirigon, 12 janvier 2010 - 02:00 .

[amethyst_rose2009]

Announcer: And now it's time once again for The Amethyst Show!!!!

*Silly lounge music plays as the camera pans around the stage showing a cleaning crew busily cleaning up after the last fiasco......um I mean show*

Amethyst: Welcome to the Amethyst Show.  I'm your host and this is my co-host Alistair.  On today's sh.........

Loghain: Ahem!

Amethyst: *stares at Teyrn Loghain who is sitting in the chair beside her and sighs* Oh yes, Tirigon has specifically asked that I watch over Loghain to keep him out of trouble while Tirigon visits Orlais.

Loghain: *raises eyebrows in disgust* Tirigon is a traitor for visiting that wretched kingdom and will soon feel the sharp edge of of my sword up his.........

Amethyst: Loghain!

Loghain: What?!  I'm only doing what's right for Fereldon!  *glares disapprovingly at Alistair*  What are you staring at, fool?!

Alistair: *moves his chair away from Loghain and stares at him cautiously* I'm .....n.....not staring at you.....

Loghain: Such moronic fools, you and your brother both!  I should be the true Fereldon King!

Alistair: You're only jealous because we have better hair than you.  Pretty hair runs in the Maric genes.

Loghain: *sighs heavily*  Idiot!  If Maric could only see how his seeds have turned out, he would gladly run the two of you through to save Fereldon from being ruled by such incompetent dumb-a**es.  Poor Rowan, Maker rest her soul, how could her own son, Cailan,  have turned out to be such a clueless moron?  *sighs and glares at Alistair*  What are you doing?

Alistair: *holds up his Cailan riding a Griffon action figure and makes silly flying sounds* Um......nothing.....nothing at all. *quickly hides his Cailan riding a Griffon action figure when he notices everyone staring at him*

Loghain: *snorts with disapproval* Moronic idiot!!!

Amethyst: Now, now, Loghain.  There is no need for name calling.  If you are to be on my show, I respectfully ask that you behave yourself!

Loghain: I do not take orders from an elf!  I'll bet you're a bard, aren't you? And Orlesian to boot! There's nothing more treacherous than an elven Orlesian bard!!!

Amethyst: *glares angrily at Loghain* I am a mage, thank you!  And I hail from Fereldon not Orlais.

Loghain: Then I'm sure your elven wh*re of a mother was an Orlesian bard! *snorts angily*

Amethyst: *eyes flashing madly with anger* Why you.......you elf-hating bastard!!  How would you like a fireball up your.....

Alistair: *quickly draws his sword Starfang and storms toward Loghain* Fiend, how dare you talk to my woman like that!! *suddenly Alistair's awesome Duncan action figure with retractable beard falls from Alistair's pocket and quickly rolls off the stage* Ahhhh, Duncan!!!! *Alistair jumps off the stage frantically to search for his Duncan action figure*

Amethyst: *rolls eyes in frustration* Ugggghhhh!!!!! I better bring out our guest before I end up hurting someone!!! *takes deep breath*  Our next guest hails from the Fereldon Mages Circle where she has lived since she was nine-years-old.  She is as kind as she is wise and I am proud to call her a dear friend as well as a foster-grandmother for everyone in our party.  Everyone please welcome, Wynne!!!!

*Silly lounge music fills the air as the older white-haired woman wearing a scarlet mages robe takes her seat beside Amethyst*

Amethyst: *big friendly smile for Wynne* Welcome, Wynne.  I'm so glad you could be on our show.  You always have such wonderful advice for me at camp, like when you told me I should dump Alistair before he dumped me and when you told me that it's alright for your man to play with his pike once in awhile......

Alistair: *blushing*  Maker, what are you two women talking about?!    Wait, Wynne, you told her to break up with me? *makes adorable pouty face*

Wynne: *grinning slyly*   Alistair, have I told you where babies come from?

Alistair: Maker's Breath, woman!  I already told you! Of course, I know where babies come from.  Golden griffons fly over your house and drop the infant at your doorstep.

Amethyst:  Uh..........okaaaayyyyy..........

Wynne: *grins wickedly*  That's right, Alistair.  Now here, have an oatmeal cookie.  *reaches into her bag and hands Alistair a freshly baked oatmeal cookie*

Alistair: Ooooh, cookies!

Loghain:  Intolerable fool!   And this is who Fereldon wants as its next king?!  *snorts with disapproval*

Sten: *pokes head out from behind the curtain* Did someone mention cookies?

Amethyst: *rolls eyes* Wynne, please give the big guy a cookie.  *waits for Sten to happily retrieve his oatmeal cookie*  Alright, now Wynne, what have you been up to lately?  I've heard that you have written your own book of poetry, called Poems of Love and Romance, and you are also the proud new owner of your very own bookstore in Denerim.  How wonderful!  Is it in the Market District?

Wynne: *blushes slightly* No.....no......it's near the Pearl.

Amethyst: *confused look*  Why in Andraste's name would you open a bookstore near the Pearl?  I mean it's not like the people who frequent the Pearl enjoy .........reading.

Wynne: I take it you haven't yet read my book of poetry.  Trust me when I say they thoroughly enjoy my........particular kind of poetry.  Our dear elven assassin friend, Zevran, helped me with some of the more ......interesting...... poems.  Zevran's quite the poet, you know. *smiles slyly*  I took the liberty of bringing my new book with me to read to the audience.  *takes book out of bag*  As you said, the name of the book is Poems of Love and Romance .  I have dedicated my book to the sexiest mage in all of Thedas, my dear friend Irving. *blushes and looks at Irving sitting in the audience*

Irving: *winks at Wynne*

Amethyst: Uh.......not sure I would have used the word sexy......but okaayyy.  Please share some of your poems with our audience,  Wynne.

Wynne: I picked out a few that I really thought your audience would enjoy:

My loins are like fire
when you rip my robe from me so rough and so fast
my thighs tremble with excitement
as you softly run your hands up my .....

Amethyst:  Oh my, Wynne!

Alistair:  *blushes* Granny Wynne?!

Irving: *licks lips and stares seductively at Wynne*

Amethyst:  Ewwww!

Loghain: Maker's Breath, please stop before I lose my lunch!

Wynne: Oh, I have another one you're sure to love.  This one is Zevran's favorite:

Your blade is so sharp
it cuts me long and quick
I feel like a schoolgirl
as I slide along your......

Amethyst:    Maker's Breath!!!!!!  *dry heaves*

Alistair:  *blushes* Oh Maker!  I'm too young to listen to this!  *covers his ears with his hands* La la la, I'm not listening.....

Loghain:  *face turns bright red* Andraste's blood, wicked woman!  In all my years, I have never blushed.......until now!  Thank the Maker Maric isn't here to hear this filth!!!

Zevan: What????  I don't get it, what's wrong with everyone?  Why is everyone running for the bathroom doors holding their hands over their mouths.  You silly Fereldons.  You need to relax more.  Look, I brought massage oil.  Enough for everyone!  No, alright then.  I guess I shall keep it to myself. *looks disappointed*

Wynne: Don't you worry my handsome elven assassin.....Irving and I will take you up on your.......massage talents. *grins slyly as she, Irving, and Zevran walk backstage*

Amethyst:  *runs toward the bathroom with her hands over her mouth*

Alistair:  *runs to catch up with her* Wait for me!

Loghain: *looks around at deserted stage and the empty seats in the audience* *slowly grabs the microphone*  I've always wanted my own show.  *signals for the band to play a song* Hit it!  This one's for you, Rowan.  *lights dim as Loghain sings* Near, far, wherever you are...........my heart will go on......

Amethsyt: *comes out of bathroom, holding cold wet cloth to her face* *looks up at stage and sees Loghain singing*  *runs back to bathroom*


Producer: Cut to commercials.......quickly before frog boy over here runs off all the viewers!!!






*Blue Screen*

Modifié par amethyst_rose2009, 12 janvier 2010 - 05:52 .

[Tirigon]

Gj Amethyst. Thanks for taking care of Loghain, he would really not have fitted to Orlais.

Besides, it´s time to continue. I finished dreaming of you in metal lingerie AND with French accent, and polishing my sword and all and ..... I should not have said that, right?



No need to be angry, my dear, I´ll shut up now...



Genitivi: GOOD idea....

[Mahumia]

0.o What channel is this? GIEF!

[amethyst_rose2009]

Edit

Modifié par amethyst_rose2009, 12 janvier 2010 - 06:44 .

[amethyst_rose2009]

Mahumia wrote...

0.o What channel is this? GIEF!

Mahumia, let me know if you want to write something.  We're kind of doing a little bit of everything.  Look at the first post for an idea of what everyone's doing.  Anyway, I'll add the name of your show to the first page if you want to write anything.  


Edit: And if anyone is interested in doing the Fereldon Sports Update, let me know.  I've been trying to do it as well as the amethyst show, but it's too time consuming to do both.

Modifié par amethyst_rose2009, 12 janvier 2010 - 06:17 .

[Mahumia]

Meh, I tend to be hardly creative/funny, so better not XD

[amethyst_rose2009]

Mahumia wrote...

Meh, I tend to be hardly creative/funny, so better not XD

I thought you did a good job on the Mister Fereldon Thread.  Well, if you change your mind let me know.

[Tirigon]

amethyst_rose2009 wrote...

Metal lingerie I can do.......French accent, not so much (I wish).  Southern (US) accent - think Britney Spears accent.  No way in hades I can sound French even though I've tried.  I end up sounding just really silly.

You can sound as silly as you want, if you wear metal lingerie I don´t care...




But I get carried away again, it´s time to continue the Orlais special, I think.




Genitivi: So, Ladies and gentlemen, children and tasties, Tirigon and Shianni finished ... whatever they did in these bushes over there...
*He grins in a scary, undead-only, yet dirty way*  
So We can continue. I finally found something I like in Orlais, by the way. It turned out that their pets taste quite good, especially with this purple flowers we´re showing all the time for no reason and a good amount of Orlaisian whine. And the tears of the child whose pet you are eating, for the special note....
*he chews on what used to be a dog*

Tirigon: Thanks for the recipe, sounds really good, hehe. Be sure to try it out my friends. Oh, and to make this clear: We were SO NOT making love in these bushes, ok? It just turned out that in Orlais even the bushes are interesting.... 
*Shianni giggles schoolgirl-like*
Yes, they are interesting, Maker´s Breath! Why are you always assuming the worst - we were just listening to this accent... Ohhhh, this accent... Why did you leave me, Leliana? Please come back! I never actually LISTENED to a woman except you!

*Genitivi pretends to vomit; however, he does not really do so. He doesn´t want to waste the dog he´s eating*

Shianni (angry): Tirigon! Behave, for f*cks sake! Your GIRLFRIEND is listening! Do you want to sleep alone this night?!

Tirigon (confused): My... girlfriend? I don´t see a girlfriend here...
*he looks at Shianni, who looks back icily-cold*
Oh, I ...  see. I dind´t mean it, darling. Really. This Orlaisian whine is not good for my mind, nor is this accent...
*he stares in the air dreamily again; Shianni takes one of the (many) empty whine bottles*
Oh, sorry, dear! No, take this bottle away, please! I´ll stop it, I swear! I just need to stop thinking of this .... accent...

Genitivi (finished with his dog): Alright, so while Shianni and Tirigon are settling their current ... crisis.... - believe me, you don´t want to know HOW, except you like porn involving bottles - I will continue talking about the only country in Thedas whose inhabitants have a worse taste than the average Undead..... Yes, I mean Orlais.
I mean, we eat humans and all, and wear rotten clothes, and sometimes loose parts of our body -WHERE THE HELL IS MY FREAKIN´ EAR AGAIN?! - but even an Undead would be ashamed to wear what these Orlaisians call FASHION...

THIS is only the latest example of their bad taste:


And this, my friends, is (supposedly) a MAN! The women are even worse.... Not to mention that they taste really baaad. No wonder, though, they wear BIRDS in their hair! I mean, worms are ok...
*a worm comes out of Genitivi´s ear and nods approvingly*
... but BIRDS?! Come on.....

*Tirigon comes back; he is covered in mud and his clothes are wet from whine; he seems VERY fatigued, too; his left eye is bruised*

Tirigon: Ok, all right, enough Orlaisian-bashing by our rotting friend here, I´ll take over again. Shianni is busy... cleaning her clothes up. I don´t have in them what she has, so I don´t need to... right now. Besides, that´s no work for a Gentleman like me anyways. I´ll kindly leave it to women or Orlaisians..

Genitivi: Yea, old sexist... Making comments like that, but killing me for calling elves knife-ears... That´s typical. Arrogant living bastard....

Tirigon: Well, I can´t allow you to insult elves, Shianni is an elf...

The Camera-man (voice from off): I would of course not have experienced first-hand, but I think she´s a woman too....

Tirigon (icy): That is ... true. Very much so. I´d even say she´s a devil of a woman, even a desire demon can´t be so challenging... However, she is a woman currently washing her clothes. So it proves me right. Anyways, you are NOT  here to talk. You take the pictures and shut up. And tell one of these Orlaisian Redheads to bring me more whine, Shianni and me spilled a bit of it.
So, we were talking about the many reasons to love Orlais. Unfortunately, I ... seem to have hit my head recently... NOT WITH A BOTTLE,  and ESPECIALLY NOT WITH ONE HELD BY SHIANNI!!!, so I forgot them. Except for the... youknowwhat.... the thing with how they speak.... and the girls, of course. And in my current state I really don´t have much use for a girl. Unless she can cook and washs my clothes of course.
So, other reasons.... Well, I can´t make up some right now.
Know what? I´ll just agree with about 99% of the Fereldan population and say we hate Orlais. There is plenty of reasons for that, from A like "Assclowns, all of them" to Z like... dunno what, but I am sure there is a despiceable Orlaisian song, food or cloth that starts with Z. If there is one thing the Orlaisians will EVER have in vast amounts it´s terrible clothing and food that tastes like bronko-crap.

Genitivi: Worse actually. I tried both Bronko-crap and frogs, cooked in the way the Orlaisians love them the most. Bronko-crap was better. It was better than Orlaisian people, too. I really advise you NOT to eat them. Start with Antivans if you are new with cannibalism, they taste great. Slighty exotic. And they are good for the libido, too.
Elfes are tasty, too, but hard to get... Most are not fed well enough so they don´t make a good meal...

Tirigon: You at the camera.... yes, YOU, assclown. You just missed the right point to turn your camera OFF. It was right there before Genitivi started talking.....

*the screen turns black*

Why, yes, this was our Tirigon Special: Orlais. FereldenTV hopes you enjoyed it.
Well, we know you did. You are Fereldans, for you it´s ok to hate Orlaisians. It´s not even considered racism, because it´s true that they suck.
And now, to make sure we are not considered unfair, Advertisement for Orlaisian clothing. For once, you can switch the channel now without making us sad, though you are, usually, supposed to see the commercials, or we´ll run out of money.

[Tirigon]

FereldenTV wants to make clear that the opinions stated in the last Tirigon Show are NOT shared by every member. They do also not represent the Real-Life view of any participant.
Any Similarities to shown people, or a special country in western europe are merely coincidental and are not meant to create any hate towards them (And this is, for once, not a joke).
This is nothing but satire, all right?

[amethyst_rose2009]

Announcer: It's time once again for the Fereldon Sports Update!  Reporting for today's sports update are Shale and Oghren.......

*Energetic techno music plays in the background as the camera pans around the new Denerim Dragon Chase Arena*

Shale: How did I ever let Amethyst talk me into this?!  There's a freakin' blizzard that's causing my pretty new purple crystals to frost over.  Even the dragon doesn't want to come out for the game today.

Oghren: Well, you oversized statue, look at this way, at least it's too cold for birds.

Shale: That is indeed something to celebrate.  However, if I freeze over I may be stuck here until Spring while having to endure watching squishy humans stare at me and climb on me and relieve themselves on me.  Oh, please dwarf, don't leave me if I should become a huge frozen lump of ice.

Oghren: Wha?  Oh, course not, you can.....*belch* rely on me.  Where's that wench with the ale and the hot dogs? 

Shale: *sigh* I suppose I am supposed to say something about this, uggghhh, ball game.  Honestly, I don't know why humans waste their time on such meaningless activities.

Oghren: And what would you suggest they do instead?  Play squish the fowl?  Oh there she is......*shouts at ale and hot dog attendant* Hey! Over here lady, throw me one of those dogs! 

*A hot dog comes flying through the air and splats onto Shale's beautiful new purple crystals leaving a trail of ketchup and mustard as it slides to the snow-covered ground*

Shale: Pigeon Crap! Those were my new shiny crystals and now they're ruined because of its disgusting appetite.

Oghren: *picks up hot dog from the snow-covered ground and begins to eat it* Disgusting?  Hey, take that back!  I'm not....*belch*.....well maybe I am a little. *laughs at himself* But dwarves are allowed to be disgusting.  It's in our nature.  *Shouts at ale and hot dog attendant* Hey, what about some ale?

Shale: Oh no! *tries to dodge the flying glass of ale but is too slow to get out of the way in time and gets stinky dwarven ale all over shiny new crystals*

Oghren: Oh hey, stand still just a second. *Oghren holds the ale glass up to Shale to collect the spilled ale that drips down from Shale's crystals*

Shale: *sighs heavily* Great! Now I smell like ketchup, mustard, and dwarven ale.  And I'm at a silly ball game with a drunken dwarf!  Please tell me that golems can have nightmares and that I'm in one right now and that any minute I'm going to wake up in camp with my favorite scented soaps, lotions, and perfumes imported from Orlais.  They were a gift from........oh I've said too much......*sighs*

Oghren: Oh, you got yourself an admirer, huh?  So.......what's his name?  Come on, you can tell your good  ole' friend Oghren.

Shale: It......should mind its own business.  Doesn't it have better things to do than pester a girl about her admirers. Besides we are here to comment on a stupid ball game, not my love life.

Oghren: Ooooh, the plot thickens.  Love life, huh? *laughs heartily before belching really loudly*  They still can't get that dang dragon out on the snowy field, so we have some time.  Come on tell ole' Oghren all about it. *big drunk smile*

Shale: Why does it continue to bother me?  *sigh*  Oh very well, if it will leave me alone about it afterwards.  And I warn it if this gets out I will crush its squishy head while it sleeps!

Oghren: Ah, you forget that I was married to Branca.  I like a woman who likes to play rough!  *winks at Shale*

Shale: *sigh*  His name is..........its.........

Oghren: Yes.......*curiosity killing him*

Shale: Its..........

*loud horn blows signaling the beginning of the game*

Shale: Well, it seems miracles never cease.  The trainers were able to lure that stinky beast onto the snowy field using a few elves from the alienage as bait.  Oh but now the dragon appears hungry and is not interested in the ballgame at all.  This could be bad for such squishy sentient beings such as elves.  I can not bare to look. *closes eyes then quickly reopens one eye* On second thought, I find this quite entertaining.  Better than some silly ballgame.  The alienage elves are fleeing for their lives through the snowy field as the dragon storms toward them, releasing a powerful fiery breath.  The Orlesian and Antivan teams hurry out onto the field with swords drawn to assist the terrified elves.  While the Fereldon team........sits on the sidelines........ just watching.

Ser Cauthrien: *runs her hands through Lohain's long black hair*  Loghain, I......I've been meaning to tell you how much I love.......

Loghain: Woman move out of the way! The dragon's just about to swallow that elf!  Where's that wench with the hot dogs and popcorn?

Shale: The captain of the Orlesian team, that annoyingly musical female from camp, Leliana, leads her teammates in an enchanting bardic song, lulling the dragon to sleep.  The dragon slows but does not fall.  The stealthy antivans now are rushing toward the dragon with their silver daggers as Zevran, the annoyingly pretty elven female from camp, jumps high into the air and lands on top of the dragon.  The silly pretty elf is now riding the dragon across the field.

Oghren. *laughs* Ha, female!  Zevran's going to love that!

Shale: What is it going on about this time?  The pretty blonde elf borrowed my silky lingerie last week, so I just assumed it was female.

Oghren:  Y......you wear silky lingerie at night?

Shale: Of course, one wants to feel like a girl even if one is made of stone.  The lingerie was just another gift from......my admirer.

Oghren: Which reminds me.......you never did tell me who your admirer is.......

*The camera pans quickly around the field as Zevran continues riding the dragon.  The elves manage to flee the field as the Dragon Chase ball accidentally rolls out onto the field.  Noticing this Zevran urges the dragon forward toward the ball and the Antivan goalpost which is just a few feet away.  In a flash, the dragon's foot hits the ball sending it into the Antivan goalpost.*

Shale: It appears Antiva has won the game! 

Oghren: You actually sound excited. So you enjoy ball games now, huh? *belches loudly* Ha, I knew it would grow on you.

Shale: Well, I'm just glad to be able to finally leave this horrid blizzard and go someplace warm.  And well the elf-eating part was somewhat interesting, I have to admit.  And before we get hate mail from all those squishy elves saying I'm racist,  I would have found it interesting no matter what type of squishy beings they happened to be.  In fact, I would have preferred they were humans who were being devoured by the dragon, truth be told.

Oghren:  Alright, it's the end of the sodding ballgame.  Are you going to tell me who your admirer is or not????

Shale: *blushes*


Oghren: Are you blushing? Can golems blush?

Shale: If you must know, it's..........Alistair!!!!


Oghren: Ali........wha?????  Oh no........why didn't I see it before?  The pretty-smelling things......the lotions and perfumes........the silky lingerie.........I was standing there buying some new flannel small clothes (ha, the ladies just love em) when I overheard Alistair placing an order with Bodahn.  The merchant said it would take 4-6 weeks to be delivered from his supplier.  But.......but......the gifts were for.........Ameth.........well........I mean.......they weren't for........  Well burp me a lullaby!  I don't know how to tell you.

Shale: *purple crystal tears form in her glowing golem eyes*  It's saying the gifts were not intended for me?

Oghren: Uh.......Oh......I...........*stares at Shale's sad golem tears*  Oh sod it!!!!! Yes, the gifts were for you and Alistair loves you deeply. 

Shale: *eyes light up happily as she walks dreamily off the field* I must go and wash my crystals before Alistair sees me like this. 

Oghren: *mumbles under his breath* I had better visit that magic shop over in the merchant district and buy one of those action figures Alistair likes so much before I return to camp.  He's gonna sodding kill me when a 7-foot-tall golem wearing sexy silky lingerie shows up in his tent!

Modifié par amethyst_rose2009, 13 janvier 2010 - 05:18 .

[westiex9]

Live from Orzammars Exclusive Diamond Quarter Studios its late night with West

(opening music)

West: hey folks welcome to the show! Last episode we had an entire show devoted to our guests from the brecilian forest so this week we thought we move things in a more diverse direction!

Thorin: thats right west this week we have guests from three distinct corners of the land! From Far away Tevinter caladrius the slave trader, from denerim its King Allistair and She's spoilt she's wealthy and she may have a sex tape it's Habren Bryland!!

Fiona:Ali's on the show!! AWWW SIR FLUFFBERT LOOK!!!

swiftrunner: must you call me that milady....no....must....resist....stick....

West: ah i see you still have that "dog" mind he doesnt foul my new chair

Thorin: is that the thronemaster 9000 with self warming seats?

West: the one and only!  Its the golden city treatment for your butt

Thorin: cool!

West: anyway our first guest hails from the distant imperium lets welcome our first guest CALADRIUS!!!

(Audience boo and hiss)

Caldrius: Greetings i am caladrius Magister lord of the Tevinter Imperium, care to buy some elves

West: Whaaa!!! no way we do Not endorse slavery on this show!!!

Caladrius: are you sure? these slaves can cook orlesian potatoes!

West: i already cook myself

Caladrius: they do great houscleaning

West: i already have a maid provided for me by House Harrowmont!

Caladrius: we do have Female Elves who provide OTHER services 

West: THAT IS DISGUSTING AND OFFENSIVE TO MY FERELDEN VALUES OFF MY SHOW (whisper) meet me round the back after the show...come alone.....Hehe our next guest is King of ferelden and Husband to our co-host Fiona! its king Allistair!

Fiona: you missed out the part about his great hair and winning smile !!!

Thorin: and poor choice in  women 

(Fiona Punches Thorin) 

Thorin: all the pretty lights.....

Alistair: Hello west so glad you invited me on! oh and i see my beautiful wife is on the show too.....errr fiona what is that thing?
Fiona: awwww you  look! i have a new dog!!

Alistair: Riiiiigghhhtttt......oh well at least the smell is about the same

West: so king of ferelden! saviour of the Land! and person of the year in Annum magazine! quite an amazing five years wouldn't you say

Alistair: Don't forget the new toy line! hey fiona i have your anniversary present!

Fiona: ooooohhhh what is it?

Alistair: A Fiona cousland action figure! look it even does kickboot action!!

Fiona: AWWWW its beautiful!!!....i got you a present too 

Thorin: Please ancestors...don't let it be Lyri-aid!!!

Fiona: its a harrowmont action figure

Alistair: errr thanks..... whats it do?

Fiona: havn't been able to figure that out yet....

West: soooo tell me about what you've been up to recently
   
Alistair: well i started my own hair care range, Built a couple of toy factories and created a new winter lampost system!!

Fiona: Ali!!! you can't do that last year you got stuck and we had to call the Templars to tug you off the lampost!!

Thorin: Why do i get the feeling she doesn't mean the Bright metal kind of lampost..... 

West:.....

Alistair: don't worry my dear i had the new lamps lubricated to prevent sticky accidents

West: IMAGES SEARING BRAIN!!!!

Thorin: NO GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!!

Swiftrunner: Whats a lampost? 

Alistair: sooooo....who's on next? 

Fiona: pffftttt some Spoilt brat from southreach!

West: Introducing Habren Bryland!!

Habren: ewwww what a cheap studio!! who does your curtains!! Daddy always buy's me orlesian silk!!!

Thorin: Jeeze and i thought the helmi sister's were spoilt....

Fiona: Makers Breath she was at the last landsmeet drove us all mad "my daddy lets me buy this" "i have orlesian tailors" nearly made me run her through!

Alistair: You nearly did! i had to call the royal Guard to Pry you apart! remember?

Fiona: oh yeah! it took all 30 of them i remember

Alistair: and the Arls had to join in too Eamon nearly died during the pulling!!!

Fiona: not my fault! Bann Sighard was practically cheering me on "Run that Brat Through!!!" 

Habren: Yuck your show is so tacky i wanted to go and do Orlais idol but Daddy made me do your cheap show instead!!

West: The Queen and King of ferelden, The future King of orzammar and yours truly not Good enough for ya!!

Habren: HA everybody knows your a washed up loser west Thats why you had to move from Ferelden after The beauty pageant!

Alistair: ouch! that was just....excessive

Fiona: Hey Habren you do know nobody in orlais is wearing your hair style anymore!!

Habren: like you'd know! youve been sporting the same Red Braids since the blight! and whats with the armour? the only thing your queen of is Drag!!

Fiona: Ali She...Mocked....MY....ARMOUR......


Alistair: oooooooo.....everyone i suggest you duck!!!

Thorin: ill tell the cameras to go dim(runs off)

West: DAMN NOT AGAIN.......NEVER MOCK HER ARMOUR...the only thing worse would be....

Habren: And who made that sword!!!  its like 400 years old!!! 

Fiona: your mocking my family blade 

Habren: pfffftttt im surprised you Couslands have lasted this long with such wimpy gear!!

(A Heavy shaking fills the studio)

(under the desk) 

Thorin: Did you bring popcorn al! 

Alistair: ive got to see this No one has ever been dumb enough to mock her hair, armour and sword!  at least not after what happened to the Orlesian embassador!

west: (taking popcorn) Dare i ask?

Alistair to cut a long story short we never found out where his head went

Thorin: Ancestors!! THE roof is collapsing!!!

Alistair: nope she's just gone super angry

(Rumbling stops)

Fiona: NO ONE MOCKS MY GEAR!!!!!

Habren: oh what now!! i can have you sent north...my daddy...

Fiona: can't protect you

Habren: wait what are you doing? get back!!!

( Habren is kicked with a force so collosal it cannot be measured!!)

(meanwhile in another dimension)

Alaska, the makers secret Hideaway cabin

Maker: Haw haw no one will ever find me here, now i can work on my fishing till them mortals learn there lesson

Andraste: Come on hun givem one more chance!

Maker: for the last time woman!! THEY BURNT YOU IM NOT LETTING THEM OFF THAT EASY!!!!

Andraste: hey is that a comet? or a meteor?

Habren: arrrrrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhhhh

(CRASH)

Habren: who are you? you look really tacky!! my father only buy's me orlesian silks, who's the strumpet your wife!!

Maker: AWWW HELL NO!!!

Andraste: i told you we should have moved to kansas!!


(meanwhile back at the studio)

Alistair:

Thorin:

West

Fiona: now wheres sir fluffbert i need a cuddle!! and ali i need a kiss

West: i have...never....seen one woman kicked so hard!!!

Thorin: is that smoke i think the ceilings burning!

West: is she always this cheerful after defying the laws of physics!!

Alistair: usually

Fiona: I...don't....feel...so good (pukes up a skull)

Alistair: well...at least now we know what happened to Ambassador Delacroix!

Westie:

Thorin:(sigh) ill cut the cameras....

Modifié par westiex9, 13 janvier 2010 - 10:29 .

[-Conspirator]

****commercial****

It's Wade's again! Come to Denerim for the finest armor of the best smith in whole Thedas! His extrodinary...
"Herren, I told you a million times not to say that. My armors are crap, there are holes everywhere, they look horrible and there are dents everywhere. Unless you let me make my drakescale armors, I won't produce a single piece of armor worth it's price, because you want everything done in seconds. I wouldn't recommend this appalling armor to anyone, since..."
"STOP IT! *smiles shyly* his armor is really good, I promise you..."

****/commercial****

Modifié par -Conspirator, 13 janvier 2010 - 10:44 .

[amethyst_rose2009]

ROFL, West!!!!  I fell in the floor I was laughing so hard.  Go Fiona!!!

[MarcusDeVarro]

*stands up at amethyst show*

uh yea i gots a question for mr. im the futur king of Fereldian

what about his sista Goldilocks, i mean Goldanna, huh.

she got 5 kids no father, Oh, Dios mío and he ain't gonna help her or nutting

i don't want a king like dat, nuh uh, thats why i want Anora to be queen. mmmmhhhmmmm

*sits back down*

[amethyst_rose2009]

Announcer: And now it's time once again for the Amethyst Show!!!!

*Silly lounge music plays as the camera pans around the stage from the band to Amethyst and then to some guy standing up in the audience*

Anora: *smiling proudly* Thank you, MarcusDevarro for your support.  I pledge that I will make Ferelden the most prosperous kingdom in all of Thed........

Amethyst: *interrupting Anora* Whaaaaa?!!!!!   Not on my show you don't!  You're going down rich girl! 

Alistair: Oh no, here we go again.  Hey Zev, bring the popcorn!

*Amethyst runs across the stage and body slams Anora as the band members frantically run to get out of the way*

Anora: *screaming* You insolent elven b*tch!!!  I am your rightful queen and you will bow to me!!!!!  Or I'll sell all your people to Tevinter, including your elven wh*re of a mother!

Amethyst: Oh, you're going to pay for that!  No one talks about my mama!  *Amethyst grabs Anora's elegant braids and yanks them hard until the queen is in tears*

*Anora struggles to free herself as she claws at Amethyst's face* 

*Amethyst blasts the furious queen with cone of cold freezing her solid*

Zevran: *joins Alistair on stage with popcorn in hand*  You know what would make this even better?  Rope! *smiles slyly*

Alistair: I like the way you think, Zev.  Maybe I can tie Anora up as Amethyst kicks her in the stomach! Then we can chain her up in the tower.

Zevran: Um.........that's not exactly what I meant, fair Alistair.......but then again.......towers and chains also have quite an alluring quality as well.  *smiles wickedly* Hmmm, we'll need to bring whips, no?

Alistair:  

*As the two ladies claw at each other and scream obsenities the producer runs out hurriedly as royal guards frantically try to break up the fight*

*Producer*  Cut to ......commericials!  We'll be back with today's guest after *dodges pink high-heeled shoe as it flies past his head* these important mess......*other pink high-heeled shoe lands squarely on his forehead and knocks him unconscious* 

*Amethyst blasts a ball of lightning across the stage making a glorious light display and causing a power outage*



*Blue Screen*

Announcer: Ferelden TV is currently experiencing technical difficulties .......please stand by.......

[MarcusDeVarro]

*plays entrancing flute music*
*in British accent*
My names MarcusDeVarro, I’m a Grey Warden, I’ve climbed the Frostback Mountains, and slain an Archdemon and now my challenge is to survive the Korcari wilds. Hundreds of Fereldens come here looking for fame and/or treasure. What they don’t know is how quickly it can turn deadly, I’m gonna show you the skills you need to survive.
----------------------------------

It’s a dry season here in the Korcari Wilds which means there will be little rain which is in my favor. I’ll be starting at the Dailish camp and making my way to the ruins of Ostagaaar. With me I’ll have Blood Dragon armor, a lightning enchanted great sword, a backpack full of supplies and a camera crew, which is a little less than the average adventurer has.

 *enters the Korcari Wilds*

“Holy s*** this is creepy. Everything is so quiet and still, it makes you feel like you being watched.” looks at camera, “oh that’s right. I am.”

*walks forward about a hundred yards*

I’ve only walked about  hundred yards and I’m already stuck with my first challenge. A great snake lay coiled up, waiting for prey.

“Alright, there’s a really f-ing big snake laying over there in the same direction I have to go. So I can do one of two things, one I could attempt to kill it for the meat and use its venom to coat my dagger or I could walk around it.”

But that would waste precious time I have to find a suitable location to make camp. So I drew my great sword and prepared to strike.

*looks at camera crew*
 
“ok if it looks like its gonna kill me, cut to commercial and help me real quick, k.”

I walked up to it with my sword raised and then struck with a downward slice I learned with adventuring. It the blade finds its mark, string the snake in its neck body. “HHIIISSSSSSS.” I step back waiting for the serpent to strike.

“It’s hissing, which means, I think, by the tone of it and its body posture that it yields to me. But it could be a trap so I’m gonna step closer like so and raise the sword again aaaand-”

*the snake lunges forward grabbing hold of Marcus in its jaws*

“Ah F***, cut to commercial! Quick cut to commercial!”

Screen goes black for a moment
________________________________________________-
“Alright, were back, and as you can see the snake did yield to me, the greater warrior.”

*behind him lies the dead snake, beheaded with arrows sticking out of it and several burn marks.*

           I’ve single handedly killed my first animal in the Wilds, now I have to  skin it and take the meat. “Snake meat,’ Marcus says as he skins the snake, ‘is rich in proteins and other vital nutrients I think.”

I’ve finish skinning the snake and now have the meat in my pack as I continue on my journey. After about 3 hours of hiking I find a clearing where I decide to make camp for the night.

“This looks like a good spot to camp its big and open and its got some grass that’s not dead so I can use this when I sleep in my tent after the camera stops going. What’s best about this area is that if anything should find us and think to make a snack of me I will be able to hear and/or see it coming. Now we just need to build a fire.”

 I cut down a few small trees and use their branches, bark, and trunk to build a relatively nice fire. Once it gets going I pull out the snack meat and grab a flat rock to cook it on.

“ The trick is to set the rock on the fire so it heats the bottom and then the heat travels up and cooks the meat.” I place the meat on the rock and set it on the fire. Soon the smell of cooking meat fills the air. This will probably attract more predators but I’m not to worried most small animals tend to shy away from people, save for bears, wolfs, evil trees, and really big snakes.

*The meal is finally done.*

“Ah look how good that looks, and it smells great to,’ I say is I pick  piece up, ‘it sure will taste good.” I said as I dropped it

“Uh Marcus, you have to eat it.”

“What, I’m not eating that crap it looks nasty and probably is full of disease.”

“Yea but you don’t have any other food. Your supposed to be showing people how to survive.”

“But you guys got plenty of food just share!”

“No can do, were not survival experts, oh and cameras are rolling.”

“Bloody Hell.”

I pick up another piece of snake meat and eat it, knowing full well that its rich protein and nutrient filled body will help me on the rest of my journey.

Its nighttime and im laying out in my lean to shelter.

"i have no idea what time it is but its cold."  the nights can be dangerous here in the Wilds, animals out here won't hesitate to make a treat out of you.

After a rough nights sleep, i awaken to find the sun shining bright and  know its time to get a move on. After I'm up and dressed we headed south by south west towards the ruins of ostagar.

we walk for what seems like hours and it has been

"An easy trick to tell time is to stick in the ground and look at the shadow."

We continue on through the forest.

and we'll be back after these commercial messages

Modifié par MarcusDeVarro, 13 janvier 2010 - 08:07 .

[amethyst_rose2009]

Omg, Marcus!!! That was so funny!  The part where the snake starts to attack you and you yell for the camera crew to help you kill it had me falling on the floor I was laughing so much. 

[westiex9]

Rofl this thread is priceless!