Announcer: And now it's time once again for the Amethyst Show!!!!!
*Silly lounge music begins to play as the camera pans around the stage from the band to a stunned Amethyst who is staring in surprise at a naked Leliana portrait hanging behind her desk*
Amethyst:
Uh..........where did
that come from? * points to naked Leliana pic* And how long has it been hanging behind my desk without me knowing about it?
Zevran: Your artist friend Reuben is to blame for that lovely masterpiece. *stares dreamily at Leliana portrait* Isn't it mesmerizing how the soft pastel lights shimmer from her neck down to her large, round, luscious .......
Amethyst: Zevran!!!!!
Zevran, Alistair, and Oghren:
*gawk at naked Leliana pic and drool embarrassingly*
Amethyst: *rolls eyes and sighs* Men!
Zevran: Oh, but my lovely warden, if you don't care for that sensual Leliana portrait, which I'm completely baffled as to the reasons you would not, you might find the portrait hanging on the far wall to your liking instead. *winks at Amethyst*
*Amethyst turns to look where Zev is pointing to see a large oil painting of a naked and oiled-down Zevran*
Amethyst: Whoa!!!! That certainly is a lot of massage oil covering..........
all ........ of your body, Zev.
Alistair:
It sure is........ *stares dreamily at Zev's naked portrait*
Oghren: Dang, Zev! How can an elf have such a long......
Amethyst: Oghren!!!!
Zevran: *winks at Oghren* We elves have magical hidden talents. *sly grin*
Amethyst: It's magical????
Alistair: It most certainly is....*blush*
Amethyst:
*red-faced* Uh............ Welcome to the Amethyst Show. Ummm *can't stop staring at Zev's magical oil-painted anatomy* Uh......that's a bit distracting.
Zevran: Ah.....alas......the story of my life. The Crows would send me to kill someone but my intended target would find my.......
Alistair: Magical lamppost......
Zevran: *sly smile* my seductive charms too much to resist. They would let their caution down, giving me a chance to quickly end their miserable lives.
Amethyst: Gasp! Zev, that's terrible!
Zevran: Ah, but my beautiful warden, not before one last night of passion. The best in their miserable existance, I am certain.
Amethyst: *blushing* I'm going to have to keep my eye on you.
Zevran: Oh, I prefer that you do, my sexy minx. *winks*
Amethyst: Anyway, Sten, please remove those nude paintings as I can't seem to concentrate on anything else at the moment.
Alistair: Awwwww
Zevran: Alas, I am just too ridiculously awesome to be displayed as such for all too see, fair Alistair. Could cause much longing from the loins of those lonely housewives out there who's husbands have been sent to fight darkspawn.
Amethyst: Zev, you are too much. Don't you ever stop?
Zevran: *confused look* Usually the ladies do not wish me to stop, my perplexing warden.
Amethyst: *rolls eyes* Nevermind.........*turns to camera* I am your host and this is my co-host Alistair, and I guess I'm stuck with the other two from now on as well......
Zevran: Ever since that night you had too much ale, you can't get enough of us. *winks*
Oghren: That was some good ale! *naughty grin*
Amethyst: More like I can't get rid of you.
Oghren: We're just hoping we can trick you into drinking some more of my famous ale. Hee-hee.
Amethyst: Not a chance in all of Thedas I'm drinking that nasty sh** again!!!!
Oghren:
That was my mama's own recipe.......
Amethyst: Oh......I'm sorry Oghren. I didn't know. Please don't cry. *gives Oghren a hug and a kiss*
Oghren: *winks at Zevran*
Zevran: You sly dwarf!
Alistair: *rolls eyes and mumbles under his breath* So gullible...... it's a wonder the darkspawn don't tear up and tell Amethyst a sad story. She would just give them a hug and let them go.
Sten: And probably give them some of my cookies as well! *roughly grabs naked Zevran portrait from the wall and snorts in disapproval* Hmpfh, magic lamppost!
Zevran: Hey be careful with that, big guy.
Amethyst: *turns back to the camera* On today's show we are going to........
Alistair: Actually, I took the liberty of freeing up your schedule today Amethyst.
Amethyst: You did? But......what about the show?
Alistair: Today is your birthday, is it not? I wanted to do something special for you.
Oghren: A jug of my famous brew!! *smiles excitedly*
Alistair:
Uh......no. Actually, I have arranged for us to go into the Denerim market with the cameras for a make-over by none other than Leliana and her Orlesian friend Liselle.
Amethyst: *eyes glaze over*
Ahhh, Ali.....that's so sw..........wait a minute. Are you saying that I need a make-over? And that you think Leliana is sexier than me and I need to look more like her???? *glares at Alistair*
Alistair: Um....did I say that? I ......I don't think that's what I said. *sweat beads appear on forehead*
Zevran: *whispers to Alistair* Fair Alistair, you must understand that to the female mind, that could have been taken as an insult especially when you pointed out that someone like Leliana would be doing the make-over. Let me see if I can handle this better, hmmm. *to Amethyst* My sexy minx, I think what my clueless friend here is trying to say is that he appreciates everything you do for all of our companions and that you end up doing without while you give the rest of us so very much.......like Leliana's new shoes that you got for her......or my new Dalish leather gloves ......or that
thing you did for me the other night when we were alone in my tent. *winks*
Amethyst: *confused look* Ummm, that wasn't me.
Zevran: No? I apologize, it was very dark. I wonder who that was........
Alistair:
Zevran: As I was trying to say, you deserve to be treated like a queen on your birthday....
Amethyst: Especially since a certain someone won't ever make me his queen *glares at Alistair*
Alistair: B.....but you're an elf...... *nervous smile as sweat beads streak down his face*
Amethyst and Zevran:
*both elves glare at Alistair*
Alistair:
Zevran: You would do well to just let me do the talking from now on, my bumbling friend. So what say you, my beautiful birthday warden, will you allow yourself to be served and treated as only a beautiful queen such as you should be, hmm?
Alistair: Damn, you're good.
Zevran: They don't call me "the sexy silver-tongued assassin" for no reason, after all.
Amethyst: Alright, I guess I could use a bit of a make-over. I've worn nothing but my arcane warrior armor for weeks now. And this hair, ugggh, ever since that fight with Anora, it's done nothing!
Zevran: *takes Amethyst's hand into his and pulls it closer to his waiting lips as he gives her delicate hand a soft kiss then drops to one knee* Then my beautiful queen, the world is yours. Anything you want today, you willl have. But first let's get you out of that dirty armor and into something more befitting of a queen, no? *sly smile*
Amethyst:
Ah, Zevran, you know how to make me feel special.
Alistair: *pouty face* B.....but it was my idea.........
Zevran: It's all in the delivery, my fair Alistair. I'll be glad to give you lessons on how to talk to women................in my tent.......after dark.........when we're all alone *winks*
Alistair:
.............
Amethyst: *sighs* Well, the lessons better pay off......*glares at Alistair*
Zevran: Oh, I assure you, my sexy birthday minx, they will. *winks at Alistair*
*One hour later in the Denerim Market District*
Leliana: Oh, this is so much fun. The make-up, the fancy Orlesian clothes, and the shoes!!! Oh, how I adore shoes!!!!
Oghren: Well, you might, woman, but these make me look......short.
*The camera pans to Oghren who has curls and ribbons in his long red beard and is dressed in frilly, silk Orlesian noble clothes with blue velvet shoes*
Oghren: Eh.......what do you guys think about my new look. Be honest.
Alistair: *turns to look at Oghren*
You look like a cuddly dwarf plush doll!!! *bursts into uncontrollable laughter*
Leliana: Ooooh, I just want to squeeze him and call him George. Can I take him home, please?????
*The camera turns from Oghren getting bright pink lipstick kisses all over his face to a few steps away as Liselle is finishing up with Zevran. The elf is clad all in black silk with a silky black bandana covering the top of his head along with a black shimmering mask over his eyes*
Liselle: Ooooh, now you look like a proper assassin! You'll be the sexiest killer this side of Orlais.
Zevran: *looking in the mirrior and blowing a kiss* I already was the sexiest killer in all of Thedas. This just made me better. *Whips his black silky cape around his shoulders and elegantly whips out his duel silverite swords* Z for Zevran!!!!
Liselle and Alistair:
Leliana: And now let's not forget the birthday girl herself who has been behind the screen here gettng out of that old dirty armor.....uggghhhh.......and into something beautiful......
*Amethyst come out from behind the screen in a pale pink fancy Orlesian dress with her long blonde hair hanging in elegant braids around her face. Her make-up has been done in pink shimmering pastels with glitter around her blue eyes*
Leliana: Ohhhh, isn't she lovely????? Oh I just want to kiss her!!!!!
*Leliana runs over and steals a kiss from Amethyst on her pastel pink lips*
Alistair, Zevran, and Oghren:
Leliana: *blushes* I'm so sorry, *giggles*, I got ahead of myself. Your prince awaits.
*Leliana gestures toward the waiting Alistair who is dressed in regal blue velvet with a fancy velvet cape hung elegantly over his strong shoulders*
Alistair: *holds his hand out toward Amethyst and gently pulls her toward him for a kiss* See.....this is why I love you.
Amethyst:
Oghren: Well, aren't we just the prettiest adventurers ever!!!
*The party starts to walk back to the Ferelden TV studios but is suddenly stopped as a strange man in heavy armor marches up to them*
Ser Landry: Ser!!!! I demand satisfaction!!!!
Amethyst:
Uhhhh........excuse us we need to get by please.
Ser Landry: I said I demand satisfaction for my friend and good King Cailan!!!!!
Amethyst: I am much too pretty right now to fight you, so please get out of my way.
Ser Landry: I spit upon your fancy Orlesian clothes! I demand satisfaction, ser!!!
Amethyst: *sighs* Boys, take care of this for me, will you? *bats eyelashes*
*Without a moment's notice, Alistair takes out Starfang as Zevran runs toward Ser Landry with his silverite blades gleaming in the sunlight. With a few quick and precise swipes, Ser Landry's head is severed and rolls out into the street*
Amethyst:
Ewwwww!!!! Watch the dress and the hair please! *notices cameras zooming in on the rolling head*
Amethyst: *nervous laugh* Zev, can you .....uh....take care of that please?
Zevran: On it! There's a well just over there I believe.........
Amethyst: *nervously looks at camera* And that wraps up the Amethyst Show for today..........
Zevran: *fighting with a mabari in the background* Give me that head back!!!! No you can't have it!!!
Amethyst: Uh.........Cut.....to.....commercials......
Zevran: *runs after the mabari hound with silverite blades drawn* Give me that head, you filthy beast!!!!!
Amethyst: *faints into Alistair's arms*
Alistair: Cut to commercials!!! *Alistair notices the cameras are still morbidly focused on the stolen head* Oh for the love of.......*with two quick swipes from Starfang the camera is cut in half*
*Blue Screen*
I... see. Well, at least the part with me seducing your people to wickedness can be solved with your help. I am trying to make political and cultural education in my show now. You know, like a Super Nanny. Just better, and with a better haircut
:wub:
:P:P
:crying:
´Twas business, nothing more. A life for a child. Anyways, Fare you well, I need to go.
First, I am dead. I do not, as such, HAVE a life, so I can´t know what "there is to it".
Retour en haut
No, Cailan you fool, you must strike at it's weak spot for maximum damage!
