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[Sofie1991]

 Fellow N7 Operatives!

A long time ago in a forum far far away I posted a thread about a fanfic I was writing.
Most of it was received very well and I recently wrote a new chapter to the story
So to get some more feedback on it I've decided to put my creations out here once more.

Tell me what you think of it
(Warning, it does contain very minor spoilers and explicit content)

Chapter 1:

Chapter 2:

Chapter 3:

Interlude:

Chapter 4:

Chapter 5:

Modifié par Sofie1991, 05 février 2013 - 09:26 .

[ev76]

Ok, read all of them. I'm a fan lol. Ramirez seems cool, hope you expand his role. Anyway when will the next one be out?

[Sofie1991]

Well I had a night out, but it should be before next weekend ^.^
Likely tomorrow Since I've got the thrill of writing again.

Modifié par Sofie1991, 03 février 2013 - 05:24 .

[gisle]

I advise you put it up on Fanfiction.net, since it's a much more intuitive reading experience than BSN blogs.

If you'd allow me to nitpick, read below. I don't ask you to change anything, of course.

The letter following the apastrophe in last name is capitalized. The apastrophe in "I'raine" seems kinda superfluous though, since it's pronounciation is the same either way. In names with a consonant before the apostrophe it makes the difference between for instance "tee-so-nee" and "tso-nee". Also, race names aren't capitalized, just as we don't capitalize the word "human".

A few things in game imply the cultural human-age-18-equalent is about age 60 (Asari on Illium, weapons kiosk near the taxi stand). That is culturall anyway, and there's little to imply when their physical maturity is. You could take the lore to prove either way, really; hat their maturity is about age 60, or as early as 20.

Modifié par Gisle-Aune, 03 février 2013 - 11:07 .

[ev76]

@sofie1991 haha cool! Awesome that you have attained your thrill to write again I want to see what happens next

[Sofie1991]

@ Gisle-Aune

Well I kept the apostrophe because it makes the name look a lot more exotic, which is what I wanted to achieve. And I like to capitalise race names, subconsciously to readers it adds more emphasis to the word. Also I did look up a lot of the Asari lore, and it said that the maiden stage of an Asari often started around 100. Other lores on different sites argue with it. But the most defining aspect of an Asari reaching psychological maturity is when they want to start exploring and experimenting. At what age that happens doesn't really matter at that point, and I based myself on the lore I found, which said 100.

I feel that the age I gave her isn't too old, but not too young either. An a 60 year old asari still feels like a "teenager" to me where as 80+ makes her a young adult striving towards independance from her mother.

[gisle]

Of course, what is important is that you pick your rules and stick to them. Capitalizing race names for emphasis seem a bit odd, though, since it makes that they're alien seem very important, when it truly isn't.

May I ask where you found that piece of lore? Liara in ME1 did in no way prove adulthood was 100, though some seem to take her words as that. Anyone can claim sometihng, which leads to a lot of unfounded speculations conveyed as lore facts.

The 60 year old on Illium was just out of her parents house and wanted to make it as a commando. In no way did she come across as a "teenager". She also looked full grown as other asari. Asari aging norms are from millenia before alien contact. Liara was 55-56 when she started her research, and no mother would let a child go to remote ruins and maybe face mercenaries and pirates, which is where Liara has her biotic training from.

Modifié par Gisle-Aune, 04 février 2013 - 10:30 .

[MrStoob]

Gisle-Aune wrote...

The letter following the apastrophe in last name is capitalized. The apastrophe in "I'raine" seems kinda superfluous though, since it's pronounciation is the same either way. In names with a consonant before the apostrophe it makes the difference between for instance "tee-so-nee" and "tso-nee". Also, race names aren't capitalized, just as we don't capitalize the word "human".

Wouldn't it be with apostrophe 'ee-raine' and without 'aye-raine'?

[Sofie1991]

well if so many more articles and in game conversations put the "maturity" limit that young compared to what I found then I guess it's only fairI change it. Because I wanted Sira to be this really young girl who was very mature for her age. I edited it in chapter 1, cause that's the only place the actual age was mentioned.

I am keeping I'riane though. Because I do pronounce it as ee-reejanee and not aye-reejane and I' not sure which one would be with or without the apostrophe. But since Irene is aye-reen I guess with an apostrophe it turns to the way I want it to be.

As for the capitalised species names. that's just something I always tend to do no matter what. because it's a name of a race, and names are always written with a capital letter. Even if it doesn't technically apply to this. I find Asari looking a lot better than asari.

[Sofie1991]

Okay guys! I wrote chapter 5! Bit nervous about it though.I wrote it but I'm not sure if I should delete it and just rewrite. So let me know watcha think

Link to it

Modifié par Sofie1991, 05 février 2013 - 09:31 .

[Sofie1991]

Posted it on Fanfic.net if any of you want to read it there

Fanfic.net - My Story

Modifié par Sofie1991, 06 février 2013 - 01:49 .

[ev76]

Just read chapter 5, left a comment in the chapter 5 section. Seems that sira is having difficulties emotionally at the moment. It was a good read can't wait for the next chapter. Wondering what happend to the crew? Also what became of the engineer of the Waterloo?