17 réponses à ce sujet

[ashtrails]

Hullo!

Thought I'd contribute some words.
It's originally written in German, but since I got bored during work I started translating and now here we are.
Studied English, yet I'm not a native speaker (obviously), so go easy on me ;D

Comment if you like, any feedback is greatly appreciated!

Cheers!

4 Chapters, here's the first one ( Check link(s) below if Deviant Art gives you trouble) :
ashtrails.deviantart.com/art/Dance-Till-You-re-Dead-Chapter-01-Army-of-Me-353547149



www.fanfiction.net/s/9004107/1/Dance-Till-You-re-Dead

Modifié par ashtrails, 13 février 2013 - 12:12 .

[MrStoob]

Sorry, but regardless of your command of English, took one look at the formatting and left.

[ashtrails]

Hm?
Whats wrong with the formatting?
Should display as an ordinary .pdf...
If not, DA screwed up (then try downloading, or gimme a sec to fix this)

[MrStoob]

There's no spacing, making it horrible to read.

[ashtrails]

Like, glitchy-wall-of-text lack of spacing?
If so, that's some kind of display bug and I'll try to figure out some workaround :--)

Edit: probably fixed, see first post.

Modifié par ashtrails, 10 février 2013 - 09:36 .

[MrStoob]

Still a wall of text sorry on both links. When I say spacing I mean line spacing between paragraphs, though to be honest, you seem to be a bit averse to paragraphs with carriage returns after every sentence.

Might seem a bit nit-picky but it's going to put a LOT of people off.

Upon further review, our old favourite on the fic writer's support thread comes up: quotations.

"If someone is speaking, use these types of quotes." I said. (double quotes)

If you want to indicate the name of something, such as a 'Cain', then use these type of quotes. (single quotes)

Makes for much more pleasant reading.

Modifié par MrStoob, 11 février 2013 - 12:58 .

[ashtrails]

Heh, wow, okay. Never thought _that_ already qualified as 'horrible to read' or 'wall of text'. I mean, most books and stories actually look like this. It's not like there isn't a clear structure or anything.


Sorry, I'm just a bit stumped, never had somebody having problems in that regard.
But yeah, you're right in that I should've made myself familiar with the 'code' around here first.

[MrStoob]

ashtrails wrote...

Heh, wow, okay. Never thought _that_ already qualified as 'horrible to read' or 'wall of text'. I mean, most books and stories actually look like this. It's not like there isn't a clear structure or anything.


Sorry, I'm just a bit stumped, never had somebody having problems in that regard.
But yeah, you're right in that I should've made myself familiar with the 'code' around here first.

Apologies again, as I don't want to appear overly negative: It's not the 'code around here', it's how prose has been written for 100s of years.  It's how books are almost excusively written.  Open one up, there are paragraphs, quotes in set formats, structure, etc.

[ashtrails]

No offense taken
I really think something's off here, 'cause if I take a random book from my shelf it looks very similar to what I've done (and do on a daily basis, since writing is kinda my job).
I mean, just look at random ebook previews, academic texts, short stories etc.

Granted, I didn't start a whole _new_ paragraph (and didn't indent first lines, that's sadly something I always forget), since we have only 1,8k words here and one coherent scene of a first person view story.

Looking at what you wrote I now get though where you're coming from but that's more a matter of convenience or preference rather than a set rule or something, at least as far as I know.
Think it's legitimate to say this formatting isn't your thing, while I actually don't like adding a paragraph after every sentence since it kinda fragments the text as a whole.

Think I'll just offer both possibilites along with the second chapter. That should work.


But yeah, now that you've struggled through anyway...any thoughts on the story itelf ;--)?

[hot_heart]

First of all, I couldn't imagine trying to translate my own writing into another language. You did an admirable job, retaining some of the wry observations and such in the process.

I did my best to try and add edits and notes to the text, making little changes to the formatting to make it more readable. You can find the document here.

Overall, it seems good though I think you could veer away from the more gamey language (e.g. you don't have to name the weapons everytime) and there are moments where I felt it was almost mixing past and present tense. Present tense adds that urgency and immediacy I think you want, but it's mostly past tense; whether you do anything with that is up to you.

I think you need to be a bit careful with 'cutting corners' with the language in general, adopting a more conversational style of narration more appropriate to forum posts. I know it's something I struggle with, dropping 'I' or 'that' in certain instances. Sometimes it works, sometimes it's jarring.

Anyway, I hope the feedback at least  helps in sorting out the formatting and some of the translation issues.

[ashtrails]

hot_heart wrote...

First of all, I couldn't imagine trying to translate my own writing into another language. You did an admirable job, retaining some of the wry observations and such in the process.

I did my best to try and add edits and notes to the text, making little changes to the formatting to make it more readable. You can find the document here.

Overall, it seems good though I think you could veer away from the more gamey language (e.g. you don't have to name the weapons everytime) and there are moments where I felt it was almost mixing past and present tense. Present tense adds that urgency and immediacy I think you want, but it's mostly past tense; whether you do anything with that is up to you.

I think you need to be a bit careful with 'cutting corners' with the language in general, adopting a more conversational style of narration more appropriate to forum posts. I know it's something I struggle with, dropping 'I' or 'that' in certain instances. Sometimes it works, sometimes it's jarring.

Anyway, I hope the feedback at least  helps in sorting out the formatting and some of the translation issues.

Heyhey!
Thanks a million, much more than I expected and greatly appreciated!
I'll make corections as needed.

Yeah, creating texts from scratch is a lot easier, since translating screws up the whole structure.
Had some spare time due to a lack of urgent work, so  keeping myself busy and staying sharp seemed like a good idea  ( I actually work as a translator).

Thanks again and I'll keep your advice in mind :--)

[hot_heart]

Keep in mind, that some of it is just personal preference/suggestions, not hard-and-fast rules. I would consider using fanfiction.net also/instead because it will at least automatically tidy up some of the text by including spaces between lines, though it completely drops the indents in the process.

It's also much easier to update on there and probably has a larger audience for feedback.

[MrStoob]

Good job hot_heart for being much more constructive than I.

[ashtrails]

Alright, chapter 2.

http://ashtrails.dev...:ashtrails&qo=0

Now also available here:

http://www.fanfictio...ill-You-re-Dead


Enjoy :--)

[hot_heart]

Looking much better.

[MrStoob]

Aye, it's late here but I'll def give it a proper read tomorrow.

[MrStoob]

Would have got back sooner but my internet was down yesterday (booooo!) so I gave it a full read this morning. Reads much better now. Not my cup of tea regarding content (I'm more of a touchy feely character driven kind of a guy) but occasional punctuation errors aside (placement of commas/full stops around quotes), I think you've achieved what you intended.

[ashtrails]

Thanks for your feedback and welcome back to the vast and superior net!

Yeah, sadly, there's not much room for that in (sub) text like this. You'll probably get your chance if I ever upload a bigger project.

Or when this thing is complete.
Gets a little more touchy towards the end I guess ;D