46 réponses à ce sujet

[Nova-SheperdXD]

Kyerea wrote...

Besides some run-ons, and grammatical errors, it was enjoyable. Try mentioning less specific class-kit names though, ruins immersion lol. You could just say Sarge is N7, and maybe comment on his over-sized power armor, i.e. the T5-V suit, in some anecdotal or first-person introspective fashion. That way it comes off less, "corny" and more immersive. Anyways, nice stuff.

The run-ons and gramatical errors are pretty much my only flaws when it comes to writing apparently, however I'm getting better at fixing them after posting. Thanks for the feedback, this is the first story I posted here and it's a relief that people enjoy it and give their thoughts on my story, I might make something similar or even a sequel to this. That is if people ask for it.

[pmac_tk421]

Blind2Society wrote...

Well, other than run-on sentences everywhere, some bad grammar and other such things, I thoroughly enjoyed it. Thanks for sharing.

I don't know about that whole "The Diary of a Praetorian" bit though, kind of killed the vibe.

It was common practice in the end of the Starcraft 2 themed diaries.

[abcd12]

This was defiantly worth the time it took to read completely! Very entertaining story! You did a great job building the suspense before the actual battle. It gave me time to "sink-in" to the story. I'm looking forward to reading more.

[Alien Number Six]

You could lose the Aliens references. Other than that and the Diary of a Praetorian you had something going there. Also have the Sarge survive. Most people become a NCO for a reason. And for those who don't know what a NCO is it means Non Commissioned Officer this is the designation given to enlisted soldiers at E5 and above. In other words anyone who has earned the "Sarge" title. 

Modifié par Alien Number Six, 05 mars 2013 - 04:11 .

[Brownfinger]

Fantastic work, man. Fun stuff.

[Nydus Templar]

LorelynF wrote...

Hmm. Interesting. Now, Diary of Nemesis, now.

Can do.  Formula seems standard enough.

[UPCCODE]

Saw "clankers." Somebody watches SW Clone Wars.

[Nova-SheperdXD]

UPCCODE wrote...

Saw "clankers." Somebody watches SW Clone Wars.

I do but I prefer the story arcs and episodes that put more focus on the Clones than the Jedi or Sith. And I always imagined Geth similar to the droids in terms of the fact that they're...Well, machines. 

[shattersword909]

10/10
Would bang in the airlock.

[Zeromarro4]

Loved it, encore!?

[Nova-SheperdXD]

Zeromarro4 wrote...

Loved it, encore!?

Possibly, someone did suggest a Hazard White based story. Maybe with Reapers perhaps?

If this story is popular enough and more interested is gathered I could make a sequel. Only time will tell.

Modifié par Nova-SheperdXD, 05 mars 2013 - 07:03 .

[iTz JoNeSy]

This isn't multiplayer related. Why must people cry so hard when i post none multiplayer rated topics? But not care when one must post a pointless diary? Me no no what the world is coming to these days.

[Nydus Templar]

Nova-SheperdXD wrote...

Zeromarro4 wrote...

Loved it, encore!?

Possibly, someone did suggest a Hazard White based story. Maybe with Reapers perhaps?

I'm typing up 'Diary of a Nemesis' right now.

[Nova-SheperdXD]

GJ88 wrote...

This isn't multiplayer related. Why must people cry so hard when i post none multiplayer rated topics? But not care when one must post a pointless diary? Me no no what the world is coming to these days.

You can't impress everyone and besides this makes a nice change to all the Nerf/Buff threads that plague this forum constantly.

[Nova-SheperdXD]

Nydus Templar wrote...

Nova-SheperdXD wrote...

Zeromarro4 wrote...

Loved it, encore!?

Possibly, someone did suggest a Hazard White based story. Maybe with Reapers perhaps?

I'm typing up 'Diary of a Nemesis' right now.

Awesome to hear that my work's inspired others to make their own story. 

Although I do request that you try not use that particular idea, I'm all for people making their own stories but that idea will be the sequel if enough interest is gathered.

Modifié par Nova-SheperdXD, 05 mars 2013 - 07:14 .

[Nydus Templar]

Nova-SheperdXD wrote...

Nydus Templar wrote...

Nova-SheperdXD wrote...

Zeromarro4 wrote...

Loved it, encore!?

Possibly, someone did suggest a Hazard White based story. Maybe with Reapers perhaps?

I'm typing up 'Diary of a Nemesis' right now.

Awesome to hear that my work's inspired others to make their own story. 

Although I do request that you try not use that particular idea, I'm all for people making their own stories but that idea will be the sequel if enough interest is gathered.

Its almost done.  I'd rather not throw it all away.

[Rusty Ey3]

Very good 10/10 also laughed hard at Praetorian diary.

[Teothehun]

Came here from the "Diary of a Cerberus Nemesis" to check it out. Apparently the Diary theme's really caught on to the MP forums, hasn't it?

Nova-SheperdXD wrote...

Your welcome, and as for the
Grammer and run-on sentences I'm still working on fixing that. And the
Praetorian bit can be explained in that in Diary of a Cerberus Trooper
and Diary of a Zergling, there's always some random little bit that
seems out of place yet funny at the end, this is just merely carrying on
that mini-tradition.

It'll get better in time. It does break immersion a bit when the language turns a bit ambiguous, or there's an unnecessary period, or some other factor comes into play, but that can be fixed with both experience as well as re-reading your own writing (trust me, I've re-read Cerberus Trooper dozens of times, and I'm still finding spots I want to modify). Try to limit the use of "..." when you can, as it can be either dramatic or obnoxious depending on how frequently it is used. I, myself, am notorious for my use of the "-" sign to signify a break without ending a sentence when a semi-colon would do the trick.

As for the Praetorian diary, that was your call. Some people liked it, some didn't, which is always going to happen when you write something. I thought the idea of a praetorian writing a diary didn't quite fit, but it was still humorous.

Nova-SheperdXD wrote...

The Krogan apparently is unkillable, I'm unsure of whether it's the Redundant organs or something else. But he got back up and complained that the towering abomination got a "cheap shot"...How was that a "cheap shot" he got crushed repeatedly, to death. Until he was a bloodied pulp! How the hell would he know about cheap shots, he's a Krogan, with two pairs of balls?!

I like this little nod-off to "Diary of a Cerberus Trooper." Those Krogan may have balls, but a couple of them still seem short on guts

Modifié par Teothehun, 05 mars 2013 - 10:08 .

[Samerandomscreennameidontcareabout]

This thing deserves to be on the front page. Well written, really well written!

[Alien Number Six]

Writing about the point of view of Cerberus, Reaper or Collector soldiers is pointless because they are being controlled. They have no opinion.Cerberus officers or Reaper upgraded Geth could be something worth writing about. Also you may want to ditch the term "revive" it made the whole thing a little too video game. Bringing characters back from the dead is always a bad idea and makes your writing sound like something from a comic or soap opera. If you kill someone off leave them dead. Avoid using terms and situations from other stories. That way your writing is always fresh.

[Teothehun]

Alien Number Six wrote...

Writing about the point of view of Cerberus, Reaper or Collector soldiers is pointless because they are being controlled. They have no opinion.Cerberus officers or Reaper upgraded Geth could be something worth writing about. Also you may want to ditch the term "revive" it made the whole thing a little too video game. Bringing characters back from the dead is always a bad idea and makes your writing sound like something from a comic or soap opera. If you kill someone off leave them dead. Avoid using terms and situations from other stories. That way your writing is always fresh.

The diaries were originally started as a half-comical idea, a story played straight in a version of the world where the multiplayer mechanics are canon (though some are suspended, like the "last one left" mechanic). In the original "Diary of a Zergling" back on the Starcraft forums, it's just a way to dramatize what the little guys go through during a perfectly standard multiplayer match.

If you want a bit more serious, somebody linked these in the other thread - the case files of a psychologist evaluating lower Cerberus personnel.

social.bioware.com/forum/1/topic/368/index/13276794

As for Cerberus underlings not having an opinion... well, it could be argued that indoctrination doesn't -remove- your opinion, but rather changes it to suit the needs of the master. Everyone from Saren to T.I.M believed they were doing what they were for their own reasons. Was actually going to do a 'diary' on that, but I think the diary theme is getting worn.

[Nova-SheperdXD]

Bump for awesome story with collectors, action and Krogan balls of steel.