(Immediatly after Shepard is knocked out)
Anderson: Shepard! Shepard! Get up! We have to move!
Shepard: (Cough, Cough) Anderson?
Anderson: Shepard we have to move!
Shepard: What's? Nevermind, c'mon.
Anderson: Get to cover we will wait until we have an opening.
Shepard: Where is everybody?
Anderson: Garrus and Tali fell back and are on the Normandy over London, assisting Zaeed's squad. We don't have a location on Subject Zero, and Caln Urdnot is approaching in the east, they should be here in--
Radio: Captain? Captain Anderson?
Anderson: Copy. I'm here with Shepard. Status?
Radio: Hammer is down but not out yet, want us to assist your remnants?
Anderson: .......No fall back. Radio for everyone to fall back agh--
(Anderson is hit in the shoulder by a Marauder, whom shepard kills with the Avenger)
Shepard: Anderson, you alright?
Anderson: Ugh. Just a scrape. I'll live. C'mon we're clear run!
(They make it to te beam narrowly as Harbinger shoots, hitting only the dust they stood on, they beam up to the Citadel Control)
Anderson: Come on Shepard we have to-- (Cannibal fires shot)
Anderson: Shepard, you'll have to go alone. I will make it (shot, shot, shot) GO NOW!
(Shepard travels through the door as Anderson closes it behind him, he reaches a console before the Illusive Man comes out of tactical cloak, he yells shepard's name as shepard pulls out an predator pistol)
Shepard: Illusive Man!
Illusive Man: SHEPARD I WILL NOT LET YOU STOP MY PLANS (Pulls out Phalanx)
Shepard: Haven't you realized? You're indoctrinated, the reapers are control--
Illusive Man: DAMMIT SHEPARD! (sigh) You see (Chuckles) You haven't won. You lost, what about Mordin, Legion, Thane? All those people you left to die.
Shepard: They died to stop the likes of you.
Illusive Man: Shepard.... Don't you realize, you can't do anything to me. Deep down you know I am right.
Shepard: I am doing it.
Illusive Man: Shepard. Don't make me kill you. (Screams as he starts to weaken and become older and frail, and he starts to look more like a husk before muttering)
Illusive Man: All, ugh... All I wanted aghh!!! Was to make a future ugh for.... Human(his voice becomes deeper like harbinger)ity! I will (stutters on floor) Kill you!! Agh!! (He lunges for shepard as Shepard fires his predator kills him, thrusting him back, he crawls on the floor to grab a Phalanx as shepard turns he points it at his head and fires, shepard activates the console, immediatly sending out a wave disabling the reapers, then shepard sits down, as he contacts Admiral Hackett)
Shepard: Ugh..... Sir?
Hackett: Shepard? You did it. Reports are coming in from all over, you saved us.
Shepard: Thanks sir. Where's anderson?
Hackett: Co--act Not in w-rki-ng ord-r, ge- ---- h-e-- -o-w.
Shepard: Admiral?
(The door is busted down, four alliance troops appear, a bruised one with a tattoo on his neck walks in leading them)
James: Loco!
Shepard: James!
James: Dammit man you are tough as nails. Get up Loco, we did it.
(He teleports back and only 15 minutes after Admiral Hackett lands as he honors shepard on the broken battlefield with his squad)
Hackett: Commander Shepard, Your Valiance and Bravery stopped the reapers twice, there is no medal that reaches to that standards. Commander Garrus Vakarian, you held through with shepard for a long time, not many people have the courage to follow someone like that, congradulations. Major Tali Zorah vas Neema--
Tali: Actually, it is vas Normandy. (Hackett smiles and continues)
Hackett: You showed the migrant fleet a lot these past years, and you helped shepard along his way, being his best friend, no honor is better than friendship. Doctor Liara T'Soni, you helped shepard in more ways than I can say, and you have been a faithful comrade, I salute you (He salutes and liara gives a smile and slautes back) Urdnot Wrex, you have to have been the most deadly SOB I have ever seen, and you stuck with shepard assisting him where he needed it, Thank you. Commander Williams, you have been shepards first mate for years, and you have show faith in humanity and the Normandy. It was an honor.
Shepard: If I may interrupt, Tali I need to ask you something.
Tali: (giggles) what Shepard?
Shepard: You are the most wonderful person in the world, will you marry me?
Tali: Oh Keela, yes shepard yes!
Hacket: Congrats Shepard, treat her well, now everybody the long process of rebuilding will begin soon, but for now, I think you earned your day, go do whatever you want. Goodbye Shepard, Good Luck.
Liara: Congradulations Tali, so where are you going to live?
Shepard: I have an idea, (Shepard is seen carrying tali in a wedding dress into a quiet house on Rannoch. Then three years later, Tali has a human child, he is named Kal, then the second a Quarian female named Seria, they live quietly on Rannoch and they are seen kissing as the sun sets on rannoch)
Mass Effect 3: After Earth
Débuté par
vinwarrior
, mars 23 2013 02:50
Retour en haut
#2
Posté 23 mars 2013 - 12:03
Wojtek the Soldier Bear
-
- Members
- 79 messages
I feel like this is an accurate and concise summary of 95% of Tali/Shep fan fiction on the internet.
Joking aside: The gravity of the events this story covers is pretty massive. You've got the beam run, final confrontation with the Illusive Man, the end of the freaking Reaper War, and Shepard's reunion with his squadmates covered in less than a thousand words. That's just too little. Giving these weighty, significant events such little coverage trivializes them. None of it feels significant when so few words are used to describe such things. The old cliche "a picture is worth a thousand words" still has merit. Stories should be able to paint a mental picture for the reader using only language, and writing like someone reads a sports game summary doesn't really do that.
You also forego imagery entirely, instead opting for flat, parenthetical descriptions of what is going on. This is fine if you're writing in a screenplay format, but I'm pretty sure that wasn't your goal. One of the key facets of quality creative writing is that you should always "show", rather than "tell". I'll try to give you an example.
--------------original text------------------
Anderson: Shepard, you'll have to go alone. I will make it (shot, shot, shot) GO NOW!
(Shepard
travels through the door as Anderson closes it behind him, he reaches a
console before the Illusive Man comes out of tactical cloak, he yells
shepard's name as shepard pulls out an predator pistol)
----------/end original text------------
---------begin modification----------
"Get your ass in that control room and open the arms! I'll hold them off!"
The staccato, uneven beat of heavy pistol fire mingled with the horrid, half-synthetic groaning of the Cannibals. Even as Shepard moved briskly toward the door to Citadel Control, he drew a bead on the approaching Reaper foot soldiers, planting shots neatly in between sets of glowing blue eyes with his M-3 Predator.
When the door cycled open with a whoosh, the Commander shot his commanding officer a last look, desperation and determination mixed together in a cocktail of adrenaline and standard-issue Alliance stims. After taking several shots at the relentless enemy, Admiral Anderson locked eyes with Shepard and roared with a boasting confidence.
"I'll handle these bastards and meet you inside! Now go! NOW!"
The Commander nodded wordlessly and cycled the door closed, seemingly resigning the seasoned London-born soldier to his fate.
Ahead of Shepard lay a large computer terminal displaying a hard-light hologram of the Citadel. The blue and green glow of the haptic interface cast an eerie light about the large room. The station's polished alabaster walls seemed to twist and distort the light from the master control console, creating strange shadows where they ought not to be.
As the Commander reached the simulated keyboard, his hair stood on end. The faintest sound of footfalls echoed throughout the deathly quiet chamber. An electronic crackle, followed by the sensation of discharging static tingled the bio-amp embedded at the back of Shepard's neck. The sensations reminded him of Kasumi, always sneaking around the Normandy, decloaking just in time to scare the **** out of a jumpy Cerberus goon or, better still, Tali. No matter how unlikely, Shepard wished to god that it was her.
"Commander Shepard. I'm sorry to have doubted you. Considering you've made it this far, even I clearly underestimated your abilities."
In the span of a single heartbeat, Shepard whirled around and had his gun trained on the source of the voice in a well-practiced defensive maneuver. A hideous parody of a once potentially great and influential man stood before his former business partner, a Carnifex heavy pistol leveled at Shepard's head.
"Illusive Man."
------/end modification------
See how flavorful and tasty you could turn that parenthetical? Sure, it takes a bit more effort, but isn't it worth it? Descriptive imagery and fleshed-out dialogue really add a lot to a story. They're pretty much a story's bread and butter, in fact.
Anyway, I'm sorry if I came off as pretentious or condescending at any point in this post. That wasn't my goal. I was just trying to hand off some creative writing tips. One last thing I strongly suggest is to do some creative writing exercises. They will get you comfortable with the basic elements of writing good fiction, and practice makes perfect, right? Good luck.
- Wojtek
Joking aside: The gravity of the events this story covers is pretty massive. You've got the beam run, final confrontation with the Illusive Man, the end of the freaking Reaper War, and Shepard's reunion with his squadmates covered in less than a thousand words. That's just too little. Giving these weighty, significant events such little coverage trivializes them. None of it feels significant when so few words are used to describe such things. The old cliche "a picture is worth a thousand words" still has merit. Stories should be able to paint a mental picture for the reader using only language, and writing like someone reads a sports game summary doesn't really do that.
You also forego imagery entirely, instead opting for flat, parenthetical descriptions of what is going on. This is fine if you're writing in a screenplay format, but I'm pretty sure that wasn't your goal. One of the key facets of quality creative writing is that you should always "show", rather than "tell". I'll try to give you an example.
--------------original text------------------
Anderson: Shepard, you'll have to go alone. I will make it (shot, shot, shot) GO NOW!
(Shepard
travels through the door as Anderson closes it behind him, he reaches a
console before the Illusive Man comes out of tactical cloak, he yells
shepard's name as shepard pulls out an predator pistol)
----------/end original text------------
---------begin modification----------
"Get your ass in that control room and open the arms! I'll hold them off!"
The staccato, uneven beat of heavy pistol fire mingled with the horrid, half-synthetic groaning of the Cannibals. Even as Shepard moved briskly toward the door to Citadel Control, he drew a bead on the approaching Reaper foot soldiers, planting shots neatly in between sets of glowing blue eyes with his M-3 Predator.
When the door cycled open with a whoosh, the Commander shot his commanding officer a last look, desperation and determination mixed together in a cocktail of adrenaline and standard-issue Alliance stims. After taking several shots at the relentless enemy, Admiral Anderson locked eyes with Shepard and roared with a boasting confidence.
"I'll handle these bastards and meet you inside! Now go! NOW!"
The Commander nodded wordlessly and cycled the door closed, seemingly resigning the seasoned London-born soldier to his fate.
Ahead of Shepard lay a large computer terminal displaying a hard-light hologram of the Citadel. The blue and green glow of the haptic interface cast an eerie light about the large room. The station's polished alabaster walls seemed to twist and distort the light from the master control console, creating strange shadows where they ought not to be.
As the Commander reached the simulated keyboard, his hair stood on end. The faintest sound of footfalls echoed throughout the deathly quiet chamber. An electronic crackle, followed by the sensation of discharging static tingled the bio-amp embedded at the back of Shepard's neck. The sensations reminded him of Kasumi, always sneaking around the Normandy, decloaking just in time to scare the **** out of a jumpy Cerberus goon or, better still, Tali. No matter how unlikely, Shepard wished to god that it was her.
"Commander Shepard. I'm sorry to have doubted you. Considering you've made it this far, even I clearly underestimated your abilities."
In the span of a single heartbeat, Shepard whirled around and had his gun trained on the source of the voice in a well-practiced defensive maneuver. A hideous parody of a once potentially great and influential man stood before his former business partner, a Carnifex heavy pistol leveled at Shepard's head.
"Illusive Man."
------/end modification------
See how flavorful and tasty you could turn that parenthetical? Sure, it takes a bit more effort, but isn't it worth it? Descriptive imagery and fleshed-out dialogue really add a lot to a story. They're pretty much a story's bread and butter, in fact.
Anyway, I'm sorry if I came off as pretentious or condescending at any point in this post. That wasn't my goal. I was just trying to hand off some creative writing tips. One last thing I strongly suggest is to do some creative writing exercises. They will get you comfortable with the basic elements of writing good fiction, and practice makes perfect, right? Good luck.
- Wojtek
#3
Posté 25 mars 2013 - 05:26
vinwarrior
-
- Members
- 238 messages
Wow thanks man. It doesn't seem at all Condescending and it is a good modification. Thanks a lot it is good and you have good writing skills.Wojtek the Soldier Bear wrote...
I feel like this is an accurate and concise summary of 95% of Tali/Shep fan fiction on the internet.
Joking aside: The gravity of the events this story covers is pretty massive. You've got the beam run, final confrontation with the Illusive Man, the end of the freaking Reaper War, and Shepard's reunion with his squadmates covered in less than a thousand words. That's just too little. Giving these weighty, significant events such little coverage trivializes them. None of it feels significant when so few words are used to describe such things. The old cliche "a picture is worth a thousand words" still has merit. Stories should be able to paint a mental picture for the reader using only language, and writing like someone reads a sports game summary doesn't really do that.
You also forego imagery entirely, instead opting for flat, parenthetical descriptions of what is going on. This is fine if you're writing in a screenplay format, but I'm pretty sure that wasn't your goal. One of the key facets of quality creative writing is that you should always "show", rather than "tell". I'll try to give you an example.
--------------original text------------------
Anderson: Shepard, you'll have to go alone. I will make it (shot, shot, shot) GO NOW!
(Shepard
travels through the door as Anderson closes it behind him, he reaches a
console before the Illusive Man comes out of tactical cloak, he yells
shepard's name as shepard pulls out an predator pistol)
----------/end original text------------
---------begin modification----------
"Get your ass in that control room and open the arms! I'll hold them off!"
The staccato, uneven beat of heavy pistol fire mingled with the horrid, half-synthetic groaning of the Cannibals. Even as Shepard moved briskly toward the door to Citadel Control, he drew a bead on the approaching Reaper foot soldiers, planting shots neatly in between sets of glowing blue eyes with his M-3 Predator.
When the door cycled open with a whoosh, the Commander shot his commanding officer a last look, desperation and determination mixed together in a cocktail of adrenaline and standard-issue Alliance stims. After taking several shots at the relentless enemy, Admiral Anderson locked eyes with Shepard and roared with a boasting confidence.
"I'll handle these bastards and meet you inside! Now go! NOW!"
The Commander nodded wordlessly and cycled the door closed, seemingly resigning the seasoned London-born soldier to his fate.
Ahead of Shepard lay a large computer terminal displaying a hard-light hologram of the Citadel. The blue and green glow of the haptic interface cast an eerie light about the large room. The station's polished alabaster walls seemed to twist and distort the light from the master control console, creating strange shadows where they ought not to be.
As the Commander reached the simulated keyboard, his hair stood on end. The faintest sound of footfalls echoed throughout the deathly quiet chamber. An electronic crackle, followed by the sensation of discharging static tingled the bio-amp embedded at the back of Shepard's neck. The sensations reminded him of Kasumi, always sneaking around the Normandy, decloaking just in time to scare the **** out of a jumpy Cerberus goon or, better still, Tali. No matter how unlikely, Shepard wished to god that it was her.
"Commander Shepard. I'm sorry to have doubted you. Considering you've made it this far, even I clearly underestimated your abilities."
In the span of a single heartbeat, Shepard whirled around and had his gun trained on the source of the voice in a well-practiced defensive maneuver. A hideous parody of a once potentially great and influential man stood before his former business partner, a Carnifex heavy pistol leveled at Shepard's head.
"Illusive Man."
------/end modification------
See how flavorful and tasty you could turn that parenthetical? Sure, it takes a bit more effort, but isn't it worth it? Descriptive imagery and fleshed-out dialogue really add a lot to a story. They're pretty much a story's bread and butter, in fact.
Anyway, I'm sorry if I came off as pretentious or condescending at any point in this post. That wasn't my goal. I was just trying to hand off some creative writing tips. One last thing I strongly suggest is to do some creative writing exercises. They will get you comfortable with the basic elements of writing good fiction, and practice makes perfect, right? Good luck.
- Wojtek
