James closed the door and we stood in the bedroom, facing each other, my heart pounding in my chest. Neither of us dared to make the first move. It's that moment in which reason usually kicks in, the last time to reconsider and to keep yourself from making a terrible mistake. But the excitement and desire to feel his skin on mine made it clear to me that reason would not win tonight.
I swallowed and my lips parted. I took a deep breath that cut our awkward silence like a knife, and we succumbed to the temptation.
I looked at James with lust in my eyes, and he moved towards me, eager, cornering my back against the bedroom wall. He lifted me up and I wrapped my legs around his waist while his left hand wandered to the back of my head, pulling me in for a passionate kiss. A whirlwind of emotions enwrapped me, it had been so long...
My hands cupped his face and I pressed my lower body against his, signalling how much I wanted this, wanted him.
James started to kiss my neck and I let out a soft moan, my skin tingling with the anticipation of what was to come. Our heat and passion steadily intensified, and I lost myself in the moment, my body longing for more.
Our hungry mouths found each other again and I grabbed James's shirt, tugging at it hastily and pulling it over his head, barely letting go of his lips. I ran my fingertips from his exposed back to his neck, freeing him of his dog tags, and he started to undress me, tossing my uniform and bra carelessly to the floor behind him.
He carried me to the bed, took off our boots and undid my pants first, then his. He climbed beside me into the bed, seeking body contact and muttering Spanish words into my ear.
Mi Dios, eres hermosa.
I had no idea what that meant, but I felt desired, his hot breath against my ear sending shivers down my spine. Goosebumps emerged on my skin, and a feeling that reached much deeper.
James rid himself of his boxers and then we just lay there, our bodies entwined, taking in each others' presence, heat, scent. Another kiss, another longing look.
I rolled on top of him and sat up, and through the last piece of clothing I wore I could feel how aroused he was. I leaned forward and ran my lips over his bare chest. James let out a suppressed groan and grabbed my bum, squeezing it faintly.
I was growing more impatient with every second his warm hands explored my body, caressing my breasts, running along my back, my neck, his right hand resting on my cheek. His fingers wandered to my chin and his thumb moved over my dry lips for a brief moment, then he flipped me over and I felt another wave of pleasure as he slid down my panties and spread my legs. He positioned himself, leaning in for a long kiss while pressing me down into the soft satin sheets, my heart hammering in my chest.
For a guy of such impressive build, James was incredibly sweet. I always knew he was, but the way he looked at me right now... gentle, affectionately. A hint of hesitation scurrying over his face. I smiled faintly at him and closed my eyes, letting him take the lead.
His pace was slow, tender, and he repeatedly stopped to kiss me in between, hushed moans slipping from my mouth. I wrapped my arms around his back to keep him close to me, to feel that human contact I so desperately had longed for.
My body burned under his hot, slightly sweaty skin, and when I couldn't take it much longer I called out his name, begging-- no, demanding for more, joining his rhythm and allowing him to push deeper. I breathed heavily and lifted my pelvis while his hands wandered down to my arched back, supporting our new position. James began to thrust harder, making me moan louder in return.
He picked me up and pinned me against the wall once more, the gentle lover turning into an untamed beast. With my hands clutched tightly at his back he grunted, pushing ever faster. I felt the stress of everything that surrounded me lately wash away. I could let go.
I let out a last stifled moan as we reached the climax, burying my face in James's shoulder, gasping for air.
He carried me back to the bed and we collapsed onto it, his head resting on my chest. He panted heavily and when it ceased after a few moments, James slightly moved his head. "Mmmh... uhm." I heard a tiny approving chuckle. I smiled.
"Wow, Lola. For your age you're still really going at it. I hope no one heard you."
I laughed, shaking my head. "Shut up, James. I'm not some fossil yet. And I could care less about that... other thing."
"Ha. I just knew you were a badass."
We both snorted with laughter and I playfully boxed James's arm, which resulted in another fit of tittering.
A shame that lighthearted mood started to fade away too soon.
I ran my fingertips over James's short hair, wishing that moment of butterflies dancing in my stomach would last.
Wishing that moment with him would last.
We dressed without saying a word to each other, and I knew I should've just let him go to make things easier, but this night, just this one night was what I had hoped for, so I asked him to stay.
Because I didn't want to be alone. Because I wanted to keep him close a little bit longer.
I curled up next to James on the bed and his hand rested on my hip.
"You okay, Lola?" he asked, almost a whisper.
"Yeah..."
Of course I wasn't. Now that it was done and the adrenaline had ceased, I felt ashamed, the bitter taste of guilt and regret. But I pushed my thoughts aside and looked up, and our eyes met. An all too familiar warmth spread through my body.
I touched his cheek, and my thumb traced the scars on his face, lingering on the one that reached from his lower lip to his chin.
James smiled faintly. "Seems we both have our fair share of those, no?"
I returned his smile and laughed lightly.
"That we do. Bet you'll collect some more once you're N7."
"Trying my best", James playfully grinned, "and thanks again for your advice on this, Commander."
He paused for a bit and then added "What will you do once this is all over?".
I didn't answer immediately.
"I... don't really know. I haven't thought about it much, but with the way things are looking right now, and after everything that happened with the Alliance and Cerberus...
The Alliance was my home for such a long time, but they just left me hanging in that whole Cerberus business and... I'm not so sure if I have the will left to live or fight for them any longer." I said quietly.
"But... isn't there always something else to fight for? Protecting people. Friends, familia-- ah sh*t."
I failed to keep my face straight in this moment of vulnerability and intimacy, and James had caught it.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to--"
"It's fine. So, you've heard about what happened to my family?"
"Uh... yeah, I... might have looked up some stuff about you in the past", he sheepishly admitted, then hastily added "But I knew no details".
"I see. I... never really told anyone, but..."
I don't know what had gotten into me, it just came out. Part of me wanted him to know.
About what really happened with my family on Mindoir, the horror I had to witness, about my recurring nightmares, about the Alliance saving me when I was at my lowest and wanted to die.
The Alliance that gave me a home and a purpose to live and push on, a place where I could bury myself in work to not feel that numb pain inside me. How I pushed myself so hard to not ever disappoint them. How I strived for the best results in anything I tackled.
And how my past turned my better judgement into blind rage on Torfan, sacrificing most of my unit for a personal vendetta against any of these batarian animals I encountered there, slaughtering them all with bloodlust and a taste for justice.
Justice... right. I tried hard to not let it get to me in front of the remaining soldiers, but as soon as I was alone... I still remember as if it were yesterday. Sobbing, regretting, breaking down. And then laying in bed restless, unable to sleep. The soldiers in my squad, guys I knew... images of their bodies on the floor, in a puddle of their own blood. The scenes had played in my head again and again, as if they were to punish me, telling me what I had done was wrong.
But I couldn't help it. What the batarians had done to me, I couldn't forgive.
Butcher of Torfan. Sounds about right, doesn't it.
I shut down completely afterwards. I had lost a piece of my soul on Torfan, and some of my humanity. I never wanted to be close to people again, afraid I'd hurt them and that it would hurt me, too. I'd keep to myself, forgetting about friendship and all that emotional baggage that came along with it. I became colder and even more distanced, emotionally drained to the point where nothing mattered to me anymore, except being the soldier I aspired to be.
I wanted to serve, it was everything I knew since the attack on Mindoir, but I also knew I had to accept that more death would be part of my job. And the only way this would work from there was to put my emotions aside, to build an impenetrable wall around me.
Even more than I already had. I wasn't a people's person. Never was after Mindoir.
Funny now, seeing what kinds of relationships I've built since that whole Reaper thing started. Telling myself repeatedly "It'll be alright".
I allowed myself to let my crew close to me because I was lonely, and maybe it was foolish, but I have met good people. Formed bonds. Camaraderie. Friendship.
And now lying here with someone I liked and trusted so much that I told him about my past... which I didn't even grant Kaidan.
Maybe this has to do with what he had told me about Fehl Prime. He went through hell, and I could relate. We both share a difficult past. And everything between us felt so... familiar. Like I'd have known James for a very long time.
And he had listened in silence, not judging me once when he easily could've.
I sighed and rolled on my back.
"Well, doesn't matter anymore I guess. It's all in the past. We are here now, the fight is here now. But I'm... sick and tired of everything. I have to admit the last three years have worn me out quite a bit, changed me I guess, and I just want to get away from all of this.
All the running. The fighting. The death.
It's nice we had a little time off, but I don't know what will come, and I'm scared. Not sure if I can live up to what everyone is expecting of me, what I'm expecting of me, you know?"
"Dios... you can't give up now. We're so close." James reassured me and touched my cheek, his hand resting there.
"And I hope tonight took your mind off things for a while at least." he smirked.
I smiled weakly. That deflective humor, but I'll gladly take it. I appreciated what he was trying to do here and I realised how often James made me smile or laugh.
"James, I... it did. And I'm sorry for... all this" I said softly, "I shouldn't hav--"
He cut me off by putting his index finger on my lips. He said nothing, just held me in his arms. He could have said a hundred things to try and make me feel better about what I had done tonight, but him holding me, that gesture meant more to me than words ever could. James was my shelter for tonight, I could let go of the wear and tear of the war for this one night, and I was grateful for that.
And even though I knew I should've felt the opposite, a strange sense of calm and security, maybe even a hint of happiness was washing over me, falling asleep not soon after, in my safe haven.