A restless night again. I know these well enough. My dreams had returned some weeks after I woke up in the hospital. Dreams of people we lost during the war. People I've killed, people that sacrificed themselves for our mission. Seems like this never ends. It all seems so long ago, and yet it didn't feel like it.
And tonight is... Things were... still on my mind. Things I've done during the war. Things I thought were for the best, things I told myself I had to do, that there was no other option. But... was that really true? We always have different options, don't we?
I guess the dreams returned because I'm still haunted by what had happened, by these memories. Because of my guilt. Maybe because of my own happiness. Thinking about the ones that weren't with us anymore... Yet I'm here with...
I turned my head and looked at James's moon-lit figure beside me, listening to his even, calm breath. I had taken an apartment outside London after I was released from the hospital. I didn't really know any place I'd call home, since the Normandy had been my home for the last few years.
But it was a nice place to stay and I had gotten used to it fast. It was a bit lonely, but James called and visited whenever he could, and after coming "home" a few days ago, after being 3 months apart once more, he had the best surprise for me. He had resigned from the Alliance, he wouldn't have to leave again. First ditching the N7 program, now this. Never would I have thought he'd ever give up being a soldier. Neither did he I guess. He once told me that being a soldier was the only thing he was ever really good at, and I hope he doesn't regret his decisions. But now we can... plan things. Look for a place, our place.
Focus on us.
I smiled weakly at the thought. I'm not sure what I did to deserve all this.
I shifted my weight on my side and touched James's cheek, carefully, to not wake him up. I couldn't help but wonder what he would say if he knew about the things I have done. Would he judge me? Or would he understand? I know we see a lot eye to eye... but I don't know. I want to tell him, about the genophage, about Mordin... things I swore I'd take to the grave, but... I trust him. I feel like he deserves to know. And part of me might just try to ease my conscience. Get it out of my system, share it with someone. We talked a lot about the war and how things had played out, what had happened, and I knew the krogan were aware the cure had failed. The dalatrass luckily had kept up her end of the bargain, and it seems they rather suspected the salarians instead of me.
But I've never said anything to James about the things that had affected me the most.
Knowing him he'd have some comforting words, saying things like I did what I had to...
But I guess I'm scared this time he will not react like I expect. That he would resent me if he knew. I sighed and closed my eyes, plagued by my thoughts, but eventually falling into an uneasy sleep. I woke up again and again, the voices in my dreams getting louder with each time. First Wrex. Yeah, I ended his life, too, when I could've just tried to talk to him. Then it was Mordin. Mordin defending the cure. And Wreav... telling me he knows what I did. Mordin. Mordin telling me he trusted me. Telling me I betrayed him. Wreav telling me he knows, eyes filled with revenge. Telling me I'd pay for what I had done. Mordin turning around. Wreav laughing hysterically. Mordin turning around, slower this time, his eyes watching me. My gun firing. NO!
I awoke with a start, sat straight in bed, panting heavily.
I saw James raising his head in the corner of my eye, his hand reaching for my back, warmth spreading over the spot where he placed it.
"Lola, you okay? You just yelled."
His voice sounded concerned and I tried to calm down, but my heart was still hammering in my chest.
"It's nothing. Just... a nightmare." I panted.
"Yeah, but it must've been a really bad one. Come here."
James wrapped his arms around me and I nestled up against him.
This time, for the first time ever, someone was there for me, someone was there to catch me, someone was there to hold me, and I couldn't fight back the tears.
"Por dios! No, no, it's okay. It's gonna be okay."
"Sorry. I didn't want to..."
We lay there for a few moments until I had calmed down, and I took a deep breath.
"Wanna tell me about it?"
"I don't know." I answered honestly.
"Talk to me, Hannah. Might help. Was it... about your mom and dad?"
James's voice was warm, caring, honest. As it always was. And then I just trusted my gut.
"No, I... Okay. Okay..." Another deep breath.
"I... I did some bad things, James. I never wanted to tell anyone, but I just can't let go. In my dreams I hear... the voices of the people that were lost. Lost because of me, because I left them behind or... because I killed them. I shot Mordin... and I... faked the cure."
"Sh*t. How?"
And so I told him everything. How in the end I took the dalatrass's offer and sabotaged the cure so I could gain both the salarian and krogan support, how Mordin would not let go after I tried to talk him out of it. How I raised my weapon when he insisted to go up the tower. How I shot him in the back when he turned around. How I betrayed my friend. Tricking the krogan with my false promise.
There was a pause, an uncomfortable few split seconds of silence, and I didn't dare looking into James's eyes. Scared I would find disgust in them. Rejection.
But instead of backing away from me, I felt his arms tighten around me, his right hand gently pulling my head towards his chest. Comforting me.
"I'm so sorry, Lola. Sorry you had to go through all this. I know. Wreav wasn't exactly making a strong case for the cure. I get it. And... it helped, didn't it? We won, because
you united the galaxy. Making the hard decisions... we both know what it's like, but remember what you told me. Sometimes they are necessary. Hell, I'm not even sure what I would have done in your place. You did... what you thought was best at the time. You need to put this sh*t behind you. It's over."
I felt a huge relief pour through me now that I had shared my biggest secret. Now that I knew James still accepted me.
"I try, James. I do try. But it wasn't exactly easy for you to get over Fehl Prime as well..."
"No, it wasn't. It took some time, as you know. And it will be the same for you. But things are going to get better. You'll see."
James kissed my forehead and I remained silent, taking in his presence and warmth. It felt good, having him around. Having him in my life, after years of being alone almost every night. To feel him beside me, knowing he's there for me. I put my hand on James's chest, felt his heartbeat, the strong, steady rhythm soothing me. Maybe I really can finally leave all these bad things behind me for good. It will take time, but James is right... it will be better.
One day.