577 réponses à ce sujet

[higg1077]

Very good I'm excited about the rest of the story you are a very good writer.

[Izaelles]

yes! want some more! I love it!

[ReubenLiew]

Can't wait for the next one Oghren's such a softie!

[Sialater]

Hehe, too bad Sten went home in this playthrough. I'd have had him visiting the dwarf and playing with the kid.

[TheMadCat]

Can I ask you to clarify on that bolded part? 

Sure, I was speaking towards things just as word play, be more descriptive, create more variety in your sentences. A quick example from your story.

She realized she was shaking. She sat back down on the bench. Her old friend was in such pain. Her healing abilities had let her feel it, to a certain extent. However, his wounds were not the kind magic could fix.

I call this type of thing stop&go writing. You're writing an action for a character, stopping, and then writing another action for the same character and so on all expressed in short setences and something like that can upset the flow if it occurs too often in your story. 

"Returning to her seat on the bench she felt herself quivering from anxiety. Her old friend was in such a great deal of pain that she felt it echoing throughout her own body, but these wounds went far deeper than any magic she knew could reach."

Just a quick example I thought of off the top of my head. From four periods and two commas down to one period and a comma, the same exact point is conveyed in a smoother, more emphasized manner which in turn helps lead it into the larger more dramatic point of the passage.

A minor quibble and I'm not very good at explaining things so it may not be very clear, sorry about that. As I said though overall a great story, you do a damn fine job taking the words and ideas in your mind and imagination and projecting them into a story. Kudos on your newest chapter by the way.

[Herr Uhl]

Sialater wrote...

Moira stopped laughing first. That man needed to relax. It might be a good idea to talk to Zevran about taking him to the first ****house they came to.

Truer words hath seldom been written. Oghren approves.

And women of negotiable affections is a much better term 

Modifié par Herr Uhl, 20 janvier 2010 - 07:33 .

[Sialater]

Herr Uhl wrote...

Sialater wrote...

Moira stopped laughing first. That man needed to relax. It might be a good idea to talk to Zevran about taking him to the first ****house they came to.

Truer words hath seldom been written. Oghren approves.

And women of negotiable affections is a much better term 

And don't get edited out.  *pout*  I'll be more clever next time.  Moira's just blunt to a fault, though.

[Sialater]

TheMadCat wrote...

Can I ask you to clarify on that bolded part? 

Sure, I was speaking towards things just as word play, be more descriptive, create more variety in your sentences. A quick example from your story.

She realized she was shaking. She sat back down on the bench. Her old friend was in such pain. Her healing abilities had let her feel it, to a certain extent. However, his wounds were not the kind magic could fix.

I call this type of thing stop&go writing. You're writing an action for a character, stopping, and then writing another action for the same character and so on all expressed in short setences and something like that can upset the flow if it occurs too often in your story. 

"Returning to her seat on the bench she felt herself quivering from anxiety. Her old friend was in such a great deal of pain that she felt it echoing throughout her own body, but these wounds went far deeper than any magic she knew could reach."

Just a quick example I thought of off the top of my head. From four periods and two commas down to one period and a comma, the same exact point is conveyed in a smoother, more emphasized manner which in turn helps lead it into the larger more dramatic point of the passage.

A minor quibble and I'm not very good at explaining things so it may not be very clear, sorry about that. As I said though overall a great story, you do a damn fine job taking the words and ideas in your mind and imagination and projecting them into a story. Kudos on your newest chapter by the way.

I understand where you're coming from, and I usually do that, but I used the short choppy sentences to emphasize the disquiet Moira felt at Cullen's pain in that specific instance.   So that specific passage was intentional.  I've probably done it elsewhere that I've missed on my rereads, though, so thanks for pointing that out.

[TheMadCat]

Yeah, partly why I never give detailed criticism is because it's almost impossible to figure out what was on purpose and what was a slip of the fingers and mind. Whatever, keep up the good work.

[Sialater]

TheMadCat wrote...

Yeah, partly why I never give detailed criticism is because it's almost impossible to figure out what was on purpose and what was a slip of the fingers and mind. Whatever, keep up the good work.

Talking shop is talking shop.  I do miss talking to other writers.  My husband's a biologist.  His idea of a word play is how many amoebas can fit on the head of a pin.

I'm glad you liked it, and yes, detailed criticism on something other than major technicalities (grammar, POV slips) is very difficult.

Modifié par Sialater, 20 janvier 2010 - 10:09 .

[NejkrutejsiSlepice]

Just discovered your story and I must say that it's great Like it very much, can't wait for more ^^ Too bad Sten isn't there, but Oghren is so adorable!

[TanithAeyrs]

Just found your story. I am hooked. Keep going, can't wait to see what happens next.

[Freckles04]

I'm eager for more! I love the idea of Cullen going off with the mage he once had a crush on. Lots of potential for character development there. And you've done a great job of capturing the other characters', uh, characters. Awesome!

[Sialater]

May be the last section till Monday, y'all are almost caught up to where I'm still writing. Can't have that!





Part 8



“Well, let’s see what I have on hand to fit your stray Templar, Warden.” Oghren stood up from the table, dusting his hands off. The sun was higher in the sky now and Moira resisted the urge to tell Oghren to hurry up. Of all the companions, only Zevran actually knew what they’d done to stop the Blight. After all, he’d been the only to stay. He was the only other one who knew why the Wardens holding Alistair was a Bad Thing. With his new family, the less Oghren knew, the better. Moira, Zevran, Perrin and Cullen followed Oghren into his Tavern after helping him load his tray with the remains of breakfast.



The dwarf led them into a room off the common room, after setting the tray up on the bar. He then led them to another room which proved to be the larder. He began moving barrels and sacks away from one of the walls, Cullen and Zevran moved to help him. Behind the piles of ale barrels and flour sacks, a plain wooden door was hidden.



“Oghren, why in the name of the Maker do you have your weapons and armor hidden?” Moira demanded.



Oghren wiped his brow on his sleeve, “We’ve had some troubles with sodding ruffians and bandits. Nothing we wanted to be bothering the mages over, but you Templars,” he glared at Cullen as if blaming him for his entire order, “don’t come and drink as sodding much as you used to, and the bad seeds have sodding figured that out. I hid the better stuff you gave me after the Battle of Denerim in here, Moira.”



Oghren opened the door and Moira could indeed see that he’d stored every piece of armor and weapon she’d given him as well as some new things. She stepped into the room, looking around. The small closet was lined with shelves and each item on the shelves was clean and well-cared for. Three armor stands crowded the floor. Two had what looked like the Warden Commander Armor she’d once given Oghren. One was sized for a dwarf, the other for a human. He saw where her glance went, “It’s a duplicate of the stuff you had sized down for me, Warden. I had that guy who made that dragon scale platemail duplicate it. I was gonna give it to the boy on the Anniversary. But I’m sodding well sure you can have it now.”



“Are you sure, Oghren? I mean, Alistair won’t be wearing it. Cullen will. I don’t want to take a gift you intend for someone else.” She reached out to touch the smooth steel with the embossed griffon on the chest in blinding white.



“I don’t want to take something intended for His Majesty,” Cullen interjected.



“Sod it all, Warden, I can get another duplicate made. It wasn’t that sodding expensive!”



“Fine, will you at least allow me to buy it from you?” She asked, gently.



“Warden, I’m warning you, you’re sodding well getting on my last nerve! Take the sodding armor!” Elf and dwarf glared at each other. “Fine. If you must know, I was only giving it to him because of you. Stone only knows what that boy would have come to without you along, you know. I didn’t think you’d want it since you’d given it to me, and well… It was a sodding sight easier to ask for his measurements than yours, woman!” Oghren scowled at her.



Moira stood with her hands on hips looking down at the furiously scowling and blushing warrior. Zevran laughed out loud. “I love you, too, Oghren,” she said, grinning.



“Thunderhumper,” he snarled. “Just take the sodding thing for your second pet Templar, would ya? You planning on collecting a set?”



She saw Cullen turn redder than Oghren’s hair at the dwarf’s abrasiveness. Moira rolled her eyes and caught Zevran’s amused glance. Zevran laughed, “Come, my dwarven friend, let’s let our dear Moira dress the Templar. This reminds me, I have a very amusing joke to tell you about a mage and a Templar. Probably should make sure your daughter’s not within earshot though.”



“That good, eh?” The dwarf roared with laughter as the two old friends walked to the common room to catch up.



Moira looked over at Cullen, “You need to relax.”



“He’s . . . .vile.” The ex-Templar’s handsome features twisted into a sneer. “He’s crude. He shows no respect for you or the king.”



“All right, first off, you need to stop thinking of Alistair as the King. If you say that in the wrong company, you’re going to bring attention to ME. And that would be very bad. Just names, no titles. The minute you endanger me, or Zevran or Perrin, I leave your ass.” He actually turned pale at that. “One more thing. Did Greagoir even tell you why he sent you with me?”



“He told me . . .,” Cullen bunched his armored fists, “He told me he hoped you would make me a Grey Warden.” He looked at me from under lowered lids. “Are you? Going to make me a Grey Warden?”



“I haven’t decided. I’m not the only vote.” She motioned to him. “Now get over here and let’s get you out of that junk.”



Zevran stepped away from the door of the larder, and motioned for Perrin to stay and keep watch over their Warden. He walked quietly back into the common room. Oghren came out from behind the shortened counter. “What’s she doing with that duster?”



Zevran rolled his eyes, “Dressing him. I figured she needed to set the duster,” his Antivan accent made the dwarven insult so much worse sounding, “straight. He’s been unpleasant ever since he was told to go with her.”



“Why’d she sodding take him on then?”



“Why did she take on any of us? We could be useful to her at the time? She felt sorry for us? She thought we were handsome?”



Oghren laughed, “Well, that explains why she kept you and the boy around!” Zevran laughed, too.



He sobered quickly however and said, “The Templar Knight Commander asked her to make him a Grey Warden.”



“Thunderhumper!” Oghren spat. “Is she going to?”



“I do not know, my fine dwarven friend. I do not think she knows. I doubt she will make a decision until we’ve collected Alistair, however.”



“Watch her back,” Oghren told the assassin, “I know you’ll do that anyway, though.”



The assassin’s eyebrows went up, “Have I ever done anything less?” Oghren laughed harder.



Moira came out of the larder, then, her blue eyes narrowed at her two friends. The ex-Templar walked as quietly as his armor would allow behind her. She carried a mage’s staff in her hands, as well. She’d found it in a corner behind the armor she’d put on Cullen.



“Are you going to need your armor, my Warden?” Zevran asked, stepping hard on Oghren’s foot to stop the laughter.



“No, I think I’ll just be a mage today. We get in trouble, I’m sure you can defend me, Zevran,” she smiled impishly.



The assassin bowed at the waist, “With my life, my fair Warden.”



“Ogren, thank you for the meal and the armor. I’m borrowing a shield, though, and this staff. Is this Final Reason?” Oghren opened his mouth to protest. She held up a finger to silence him. “I will return them, I insist. How did Final Reason end up here? I gave it to Morrigan.”



Oghren looked uncomfortable, “She came roaring through here about three months ago. Told me to keep that for you and was gone in the morning. Wouldn’t even stand me a pint! She even left those bloody mage robes you gave her.” Moira’s eyes widened at that. Zevran looked equally shocked.



Oghren spat, “What? She said you were going to need them and she sodding well wasn’t going to ‘leave you naked in the wind.’ Her words, not mine.” Trembling, Moira sat the staff down against the bar and disappeared back into the dwarf’s makeshift armory. She came back out with the golden yellow robe with the silvery buckles and straps held up in her hands. She closed her eyes and a single tear ran down her cheek. Zevran caught Cullen’s eye and shook his head as the young man was about to ask a question that would probably cause Moira to freeze him on the spot.



The mage clutched the robes to her chest, “Thank you, Oghren. May I take them?”



Oghren shrugged, “Probably better you do. Don’t want those dusters across the lake to accuse me of stealing from mages!”



“Thank you. Did she . . . leave anything else behind?”



“That sodding swamp witch? By the stone, no. She lit out of here like the archdemon itself was on her arse. What in the name of the stone was she running from, anyway?” Oghren hooked his thumbs in the band of his trousers and looked sharply at Moira.



“The same reason Alistair is being held by Weisshaupt,” Moira sighed, shoving the robe in her pack. “I’m not going to tell you, though. The less you know, the better you’ll be, old friend.” She dried her face and turned to Zevran. “My friend, please loan Cullen Oathkeeper?” Zevran looked at his Warden, quizzically while doing as she asked. As he handed the beautifully wrought sword to the Templar, feeling like he was loaning the man his own arm, Moira handed him the stunningly beautiful meteor-rock-wrought Starfang.



He took the hilt reverently, “This, I – I can’t accept this.”



She winked at him, “It’s a loan, Zevran. Don’t get too attached.” She walked over and knelt in front of Oghren. “Old friend, I know you’re going to ask, but I’m going to tell you to watch over your wife and your children,” she leaned closer and lowered her voice. “And I need you to watch the Tower for me.”



The dwarf’s eyes widened and he nodded, shocked. “Do you expect trouble? Do I sodding need to get Felsi out of here?”



“Felsi is safest where ever you are. But if it gets too hot, bring this to Bann, er, Arl Teagan and there will be a place for you in Redcliffe.” She handed the dwarf a letter stamped with the seal of the Chancellor of Ferelden on it, she’d been up late last night composing it. “Hide it. Put it in your armory, if you have to. Hopefully, it won’t come to anything.” Oghren nodded, putting the note in his inside vest pocket. “We’ll put everything back in front of that door, though. Figured we’d help you that much.”



She stood up, “We need to get going. We’re going to have a long walk to Highever.” After hiding Oghren’s armory, she drew her pack on her back and bent and embraced Felsi on the way out. Perrin trotted at her heels. Little Moira ducked behind her mother as the Grey Warden and her friends passed. Moira wiggled her fingers at the tiny child.



Outside, they all blinked in the warm sunshine. “Well, at least it’s a beautiful day for walking,” Zevran said enthusiastically. Moira laughed.

[TanithAeyrs]

Sodding good tale. Keep writing.

[Sialater]

Freckles04 wrote...

I'm eager for more! I love the idea of Cullen going off with the mage he once had a crush on. Lots of potential for character development there. And you've done a great job of capturing the other characters', uh, characters. Awesome!

I think capturing the characters is the absolute most difficult part.  For one thing, what you learn of their personalities changes depending on how you play.  I've never had a whiney Al because he's almost always immediately in love with my PC.  Oghren has treated my Cousland so much differently than he did my elf mage.  (My Cousland can't seem to get him above a certain amount of friendliness while my elf mage had him nearly in the white, despite getting him later.  It's very odd.  I swear I said the same things to him both times!)  Sten was more approving of my Cousland rogue sooner than my elf mage, however.  Go figure.  So, I'm glad you think I "got" them! 

I've also been perusing the "I love/hate" threads for each character.  Since I can't play the game that many times to get ALL the dialogue options.  And the dialogue is highly illuminating to the facets of Bioware's characters.  So, I really hope I did capture them as well as I could.

[Sialater]

TanithAeyrs wrote...

Sodding good tale. Keep writing.

Thank you!

[Herr Uhl]

So, now our heroes go off on an epic quest to rid Cullen of his virginity (or is there more to Moiras history with Cullen than I thought?) in an house of ill repute.



Good times for all!

[Sialater]

Herr Uhl wrote...

So, now our heroes go off on an epic quest to rid Cullen of his virginity (or is there more to Moiras history with Cullen than I thought?) in an house of ill repute.

Good times for all!

He tried.... oh, how he tried.  Just kidding. 


It was more of a case of adolescent angst on his behalf and obliviousness on hers.  She was one of those girls who's nose was always in a book.

[ReubenLiew]

I'm proably going to say a non-constructive comment here, but I don't know what else to say.



Very nice work Cullen needs to don the velvet hat with a lady of questionable sensibilities, I say!

[Tasmen]

ReubenLiew wrote...

I'm proably going to say a non-constructive comment here, but I don't know what else to say.

Very nice work Cullen needs to don the velvet hat with a lady of questionable sensibilities, I say!

It truly is the only way to 'pluck' that particular flower.  Kittengasms and all...definitely in Cullen's future.

[Freckles04]

Still loving this! I'm eager for more. Oghren + Cullen = WIN

I love how Oghren's pointed out that Moira is collecting a set of templars....awesome.

[Tasmen]

Freckles04 wrote...

Still loving this! I'm eager for more. Oghren + Cullen = WIN

I love how Oghren's pointed out that Moira is collecting a set of templars....awesome.

That's what some gals do....nice to have a matching set of templar bopsie twins.

[Kulkodar]

Wonderful. You have definitely captured the personalities. Bring us more!

[Lord Deshwitat]

Wanted to bookmark. Couldn't find it so I''m writing instead... Good work. I like it...