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[The Gay Warden]

Dragon Age: Warden's Calling

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Chapter Selection:

Chapter One - An Offer



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Chapter One: An Offer

Gerard Berdain grunted in frustration as a rough hand pushed him back into his cell, slamming the iron-bared door behind him as he left. Gerard picked himself up off the dusty old floor, and stood, leaning against the wall. Blood smeared his face, some of it his, the rest belonging to his last victim. Gerard swore under his breath, and angrily punched the stoned wall, ignoring the sharp pain it caused his already bloodied knuckles.

The Human had been sentenced to death for a crime he had comitted, but his slayer would not be a noose, nor an axe to the neck, but rather a fight to the death in Dinerim's grand arena. The only thing keeping him alive was his skill--and maybe perhaps luck. For two weeks, he had been fighting in the Arena, besting every single one of his foes with little to no effort.

He was to fight again tomorrow, but this time it wasn't only the Arena's audience that would witness his finesse, but a Grey Warden would be amongst them as well. He knew not why the Grey Warden would be there, and he didn't care. He stopped caring nearly one week ago. Now, every day was a constant struggle, as well as a battle. Quit literally.

Gerard sighed, ran a hand through his short, black hair, and sunk to the prison floor.

"Prisoner!" a voice boomed from the other side of the bared cage. "You have a visitor."

Gerard's features knitted together as he showed signs of confusion. A visitor? he thought. Gerard couldn't think of anyone who might be interested in seeing him. He had no family, no friends, no companions. Why was he recieving a visitor?

A tall man, with tan skin and a short, full beard pulled beside the guard. He wore unique armor, whose make was unfamiliar to Gerard. "Thank you," the man said to the jailor in a soft spoken voice. "But I would prefer to speak to this prisoner alone."

There was a slight hesitation as the guard processed the question. "Very well, Warden," said the guard. "But watch out--this one's a live one, he is." The jailor glanced to Gerard with a threatening gaze which spoke "don't' try anything" as he left.

"So, you are the infamous Gerard?" asked the man who claimed to be a Warden. "It is an honor to finally meet you."

"An honor?" Gerard echoed with a laugh from the floor of his cage. "You know not who you speak to."

"Oh, I am quite aware that I do." the man replied. "My name is Duncan, I am the leader of the Grey Wardens in Ferelden. I will be attending to your duel tomorrow, and I must say that I am looking foward to it... if the stories are correct, I understand you are quite the fighter."

A scoff burst from Gerard's lips. "And why are you here, exactly?"

"I am recruiting new members for the Warden's," Duncan responded. "The start of a new Blight has come. Ferelden is at stake, and we need all of the recruits that we can muster."

"And so you were sent to recruit me?"

"That all depends on tomorrow's performance."

Gerard thought a moment. A chance to be free, a chance to finally leave these bars. Surely anything was better than there? "And... you would hire a Warden with my...," he searched for the right word. "My stature?"

"What you did is of no concern to me." the Warden said bluntly. "It matters not to the Darkspawn. I am simply looking for new recruits, and from what I hear, you would make a fine apprentice."

There was a brief pause. "Very well, I will join the Warden's. How soon can I be free of this place?" asked Gerard eagerly.

"You must prove yourself worthy in tomorrow's duel first." Duncan replies. "Which will not be easy, I assure you... I have arranged quite the foe. But if you emerge the victor, you will have proven yourself worthy of becoming a Warden."

The prisoner nodded in understanding.

"I must be off now, I believe my time is up." the Warden addressed. "I look forward to seeing your battle tomorrow. May the Maker watch over you." And without another word, Duncan turned and left.

Two things were racing through Gerard's mind. First, he was relieved to be able to have a chance to leave the cursed place. And second, he wasn't too sure of becoming a Warden. Killing Darkspawn was a dangerous task... but was his current lifestyle worth any more than that? The prisoner sighed once more, rested his weary eyes, and soon found himself into a deep sleep. Dreams of freedom soon found themselves filling his mind... and after tomorrow's duel, Gerard was dedicated to turn those dreams into reality. 

Modifié par The Gay Warden, 19 janvier 2010 - 11:58 .

[Daigowedd]

committed, not comitted
Denerim, not Dinerim
receiving, not recieving
barred, not bared
Incorrectly punctuated dialog
Misplaced apostrophes

You need a beta reader, or at least a spellcheck program.

Storywise there's nothing much here, no character depth, no conflict, no doubt. Utter cliche.

Modifié par Daigowedd, 18 janvier 2010 - 03:07 .

[Hecthorn]

I do actually share Daigowedd's opinion, although I wouldn't go that far to call it "Utter cliche".



This would have to be proven by the story itself as it moves on, but it already seems to be very clear. At least for the next few chapters.

[The Gay Warden]

Well it is only the first chapter... and sorry, I've come to understand that most, if not everyone, here is an adult and has far more experience than I in writing. I'm only fifteen. And I do not care too much fro seplling and punctuation in the unmastered version.

[Daigowedd]

If you don't care enough about your work to make sure it's right, why should your audience care enough to read it?

And yes people here are adults, since this is an age gated community for an M/18 rated game, that's not really surprising.

Modifié par Daigowedd, 18 janvier 2010 - 05:26 .

[The Gay Warden]

As I said, not remastered. Bah, nervermind. I can see it isn't appreciated-- I'll just stop writing it, then.

[Sialater]

Uh, if you feel compelled to write it, write it. Don't let naysayers scare you away. You should have seen some of the crap I wrote when I was your age. I plan on burning it so it can never be used against me in a blackmail situation.



My point is, you need to write for YOU. To hell and the archdemon with everyone else. At this point in your life this is practice for you. Yes, typos and spelling errors are difficult and immersion breaking for all readers. And frankly it's a courtesy to your readers to try to get most of those weeded out. But do not stop writing because of "cliches."



"The first draft of anything is ****." --Ernest Hemingway

[The Gay Warden]

Bleh, I suppose. I just simply don't want the same person replying, "Wow, I saw a typo. Way to you, you giant ass hole, this officially sucks."

I honestly don't care too much for typo's in the unmastered version...

Modifié par The Gay Warden, 18 janvier 2010 - 05:24 .

[tevikolady]

TGW, part of being a good writter is learning how to accept criticism.

Although Daigowedd was quite harsh, and therefore not producing constructive criticism, he/she hit on some good points.



Don't stop writting just because Daigo. Just chin up and keep plugging along. The only way to get better at writting is to keep writting. YOur begining was not bad, aside from the obvious spelling errors. It was. . .short, brief, and didn't offer much in how Gerard came to be in his prison. Its ok for teh readers to know even before the characters in the story.



Also, I was not aware Denerim had an arena. You must make the stroy believable, or maybe even put the scene between the last two combatants before Gerard gets thrown back into his cell. Describe the cell itself, the atmosphere, the smells, the mood. His guard doesn't like him, thats obvious, so put that the guard spit on him before tossing him back into his cell. Things like that.



You writting is not horrible. And for first time writting, your work is not bad. Please keep at it. I'd read your stuff over Daigo's, most because his/her stuff is, uhm, out there.

[Hecthorn]

Well, perhaps you might want to read over it before posting.



Because when people know you for your typos and not for the quality of your stories, no one will read them when you have practiced a bit and improved your skill.



Typos can disturb the general "atmosphere" of the text.



And, as I said in my 1st post in this thread, you can get a lot better. What I still keep up however, as I did with your first ff on that board (at least i think it was the first one?), is the lack of description that would give far more atmosphere to the whole text.



But I somewhat admire your courage. Posting what you just wrote without reading through it again to the public is something that really requires a certain amount of courage. Seriously.

[Daigowedd]

The Gay Warden wrote...

Bleh, I suppose. I just simply don't want the same person replying, "Wow, I saw a typo. Way to you, you giant ass hole, this officially sucks."

I honestly don't care too much for typo's in the unmastered version...

Check your passive-agressiveness at the door, no one called you an "****" and if you honestly think it's mean to point out basic language errors you have far greater problems than typos. Writing is a continual learning process, so maybe you should actually listen to people who can help you improve, just a thought.

"The first draft of anything is ****." --Ernest Hemingway

The first draft of anything doesn't belong on the internet either.

[The Gay Warden]

To be completely honest, I had it to where it didn't explain Gerard's crimes for a reason. I want it to be something the reader sees as a sort of a mystery, which I will reveal deep into the story.

[Hecthorn]

Then you might pperhaps want to include, that he doesn't want to think about these crimes, perhaps Gerard puts them away, locks them into some dark chamber in his mind.

And then, "deep" in the story, he comes across a person that had something to do with the crime, perhaps a complice of him who betrayed him to the guards or so, and then he starts thinking about all that again.

Edit: Just an idea, of course. :innocent:

Modifié par Hecthorn, 18 janvier 2010 - 05:35 .

[Sialater]

The Gay Warden wrote...

Bleh, I suppose. I just simply don't want the same person replying, "Wow, I saw a typo. Way to you, you giant ass hole, this officially sucks."

I honestly don't care too much for typo's in the unmastered version...

Perhaps you should stop thinking of this as the "unmastered version."

Any time you put your work out there for others to see, it's a good idea to have a professional attitude and have it at least be free of the minor crap like grammar problems.

As far as criticism:  I have a BA in Creative Writing.  On my final novel, my professor wrote:  "This is terrible, you will never sell anything.  Don't bother continuing."  (I turned in a fantasy novel, it was a risk, but it's what I'd been working on.)  A PROFESSOR wrote that. 

I then sold a short story right after graduation.  Anger is a good fuel.

[The Gay Warden]

I'll take this into consideration, thanks to all of you. Sorry if I snapped--Daigo didn't exactly put it the nicest way. Bleh... I'll improve on the next part.

[Sialater]

Daigowedd wrote...

"The first draft of anything is ****." --Ernest Hemingway

The first draft of anything doesn't belong on the internet either.

True, but it's become my mantra to keep from nitpicking EVERYTHING prior to the finishline.

[Hecthorn]

@Sialater: Wow, respect^^
@TGW: Just try reading over it. Eliminating at least the typos and grammar errors can avoid a lot of bashing/flaming against you. xD
I mean, e.g. look at my own ff. I'm no native speaker and English is my 2nd foreign language, therefore I'm always trying to avoid typos and gammar mistakes.
And in the end, avoiding such glitches, as minor as they might be, still improves the impüression people will get of your texts.

Modifié par Hecthorn, 18 janvier 2010 - 05:41 .

[AdorableAnarchist]

One thing that has always helped me is the concept of "show, don't tell." Describe the entirety of the scene, anything that can generate an emotional response in your reader.



Also, write to tell the story you want to read. Write because you want to. Don't let someone stop you from that. Yes, there will be criticism (wanna read my stack of rejection letters? LOL), but take what they say, filter it, and use it.



Finally, don't stop writing. I know, I said it before, but don't. I'd be a lot further than where I am, if I had taken that advice to heart. I let life, criticism, and a few other things get in the way and I've lost precious years and precious ideas because of it.



Oh, and like Tevikolady, I have reems of paper and many notebooks of my writings and ideas from age 6 on. However, I probably won't destroy them. It's itneresting to see my progression from my first published poem in kindergarten to the first short I got published several years ago to my novels that are looking for a publisher.

[Sialater]

Hecthorn wrote...

@Sialater: Wow, respect^^
 

A creative writing degree is NOT for the faint of heart.

[MarcusDeVarro]

TGW

you gotta write what you want man, forget what people think about it, in the end its your piece and only your opinion matters man

[Hecthorn]

Sialater wrote...
A creative writing degree is NOT for the faint of heart.

I actually didn't mean any offense by this.
If so, I might have used a rather typical muster of my native language.

As my teacher in year 5 used to say "Don't mix English with German."

If I offended you, I'm sorry and I apologize.

What I actually wanted to express was that I think studying Creative Writing is something great which I'd like to study, too (unfortunately, I got some things like the lack of a university teaching this in my way).

So, I hope this time I said nothing wrong.
As I said, I meant no offense.

[Sialater]

Hecthorn wrote...

Sialater wrote...
A creative writing degree is NOT for the faint of heart.

I actually didn't mean any offense by this.
If so, I might have used a rather typical muster of my native language.

As my teacher in year 5 used to say "Don't mix English with German."

If I offended you, I'm sorry and I apologize.

What I actually wanted to express was that I think studying Creative Writing is something great which I'd like to study, too (unfortunately, I got some things like the lack of a university teaching this in my way).

So, I hope this time I said nothing wrong.
As I said, I meant no offense.

Oh, I promise you didn't offend me.  I have a much thicker skin that that!  LOL 

I was just saying that I get a lot of crap for my choice of degrees.  People poking fun that it's an easy "A" or whatever. (Not that you were doing this.)  But it is the only degree where a professor can tell you you suck.

[Tasmen]

MarcusDeVarro wrote...

TGW
you gotta write what you want man, forget what people think about it, in the end its your piece and only your opinion matters man

While I agree with this in theory, I do think he needs to work on the presentation.  I imagine he is putting this stuff out there because he wants people to like it?  

I know I had a hard time reading it first time around (and TGW, this is being offered as constructive criticism, FYI).  A good word processing program with spell check would do you wonders.  I'd also suggest a beta.  Betas can help you see things that you cannot see because you are too wrapped up in your own text.  They can also catch typos that aren't really typos like:  Fork Drakon vs. Fort Drakon.

If you enjoy writing (which I assume you....there I go with those assumptions again), do keep writing.  But you also have to prepare yourself for some criticism of your work if you put it out in public for all the read.  You can't take the criticism personal (as you've had a little tendency to do).   People are a fickle and subjective bunch.  Some folks are going to love what you do and encourage it and others are going to tell you that what you wrote makes them want to gouge their eyes out with a dull pencil.  

Anyway..just my 2 cents on the matter.

[Daigowedd]

[quote]Gerard Berdain grunted in frustration as a rough hand pushed him back into his cell, slamming the iron-barred door behind him as he left. Gerard picked himself up off the dusty old floor, and stood, leaning against the wall. Blood smeared his face, some of it his, the rest belonging to his last victim. Gerard swore under his breath, and angrily punched the stoned wall, ignoring the sharp pain it caused his already bloodied knuckles.[/quote]

The main problem with your opening scene here is that is POV character sitting around thinking about his past. We're all guilty of writing something like this, but it's lazy writing because nothing is actually happening. Perhaps try an opening in media res, like perhaps one of Gerard's fights that gives us something exciting to start with, though writing action is also a ****.

[quote]The human had been sentenced to death for a crime he had commited, but his slayer would not be a noose, nor an axe to the neck, but rather a fight to the death in Denerim's grand arena. The only thing keeping him alive was his skill--and maybe perhaps luck. For two weeks, he had been fighting in the Arena, besting every single one of his foes with little to no effort.[/quote]

This is an info dump that could be better conveyed through action, it's also rather annoying because while info dumping doesn't really tell the reader anything of use.

Kill the little to no effort part with fire, story writing is conflict, your character needs to struggle and develop. I'm not saying he can't be an awesome fighter, but someone who wins all the time without struggle is boring to read about.

[quote]He was to fight again tomorrow, but this time it wasn't only the Arena's audience that would witness his finesse, but a Grey Warden would be amongst them as well. He knew not why the Grey Warden would be there, and he didn't care. He stopped caring nearly one week ago. Now, every day was a constant struggle, as well as a battle. Quite literally.[/quote]

If it's a constant struggle then he's not fighting with little or no effort, needs consistency.

[quote]Gerard sighed, ran a hand through his short, black hair, and sunk to the prison floor.

[quote]"Prisoner!" a voice boomed from the other side of the bared cage. "You have a visitor."

Gerard's features knitted together as he showed signs of confusion. A visitor? he thought. Gerard couldn't think of anyone who might be interested in seeing him. He had no family, no friends, no companions. Why was he receiving a visitor?

A tall man, with tan skin and a short, full beard pulled beside the guard. He wore unique armor, whose make was unfamiliar to Gerard. "Thank you," the man said to the jailor in a soft spoken voice, "but I would prefer to speak to this prisoner alone."

There was a slight hesitation as the guard processed the question. "Very well, Warden," said the guard. "But watch out--this one's a live one, he is." The jailor glanced to Gerard with a threatening gaze which spoke "don't' try anything" as he left.

"So, you are the infamous Gerard?" asked the man who claimed to be a Warden. "It is an honor to finally meet you."

"An honor?" Gerard echoed with a laugh from the floor of his cage. "You know not who you speak to."

"Oh, I am quite aware that I do." the man replied. "My name is Duncan, I am the leader of the Grey Wardens in Ferelden. I will be attending to your duel tomorrow, and I must say that I am looking foward to it... if the stories are correct, I understand you are quite the fighter."

A scoff burst from Gerard's lips. "And why are you here, exactly?"[/quote]

]What exactly does a scoff sound like? Consider replacing this with something that flows better, like a bitter laugh or something.

[quote]"I am recruiting new members for the Wardens," Duncan responded. "The start of a new Blight has come. Ferelden is at stake, and we need all of the recruits that we can muster."

"And so you were sent to recruit me?"

"That all depends on tomorrow's performance."

Gerard thought a moment. A chance to be free, a chance to finally leave these bars. Surely anything was better than there? "And... you would hire a Warden with my...," he searched for the right word. "My stature?"

"What you did is of no concern to me." the Warden said bluntly. "It matters not to the Darkspawn. I am simply looking for new recruits, and from what I hear, you would make a fine apprentice."

There was a brief pause. "Very well, I will join the Warden's. How soon can I be free of this place?" asked Gerard eagerly.

"You must prove yourself worthy in tomorrow's duel first." Duncan replies. "Which will not be easy, I assure you... I have arranged quite the foe. But if you emerge the victor, you will have proven yourself worthy of becoming a Warden."

The prisoner nodded in understanding.

"I must be off now, I believe my time is up." the Warden addressed. "I look forward to seeing your battle tomorrow. May the Maker watch over you." And without another word, Duncan turned and left.[/quote]

The dialog here is rather sparse, try to make your characters' voices stand out more.

[quote]Two things were racing through Gerard's mind. First, he was relieved to be able to have a chance to leave the cursed place. And second, he wasn't too sure of becoming a Warden. Killing Darkspawn was a dangerous task... but was his current lifestyle worth any more than that? The prisoner sighed once more, rested his weary eyes, and soon found himself into a deep sleep. Dreams of freedom soon found themselves filling his mind... and after tomorrow's duel, Gerard was dedicated to turn those dreams into reality. [/quote]

All in all try to avoid spilling everything at once, let the scenes flow naturally.

[The Gay Warden]

Thank you for the criticism. I appreciate it, Daigo, much more constructive.