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[Novel] Dragon Age: Warden's Calling - Chapter 2 is up!


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#26
MarcusDeVarro

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Tasmen wrote...

MarcusDeVarro wrote...

TGW
you gotta write what you want man, forget what people think about it, in the end its your piece and only your opinion matters man


While I agree with this in theory, I do think he needs to work on the presentation.  I imagine he is putting this stuff out there because he wants people to like it?  

I know I had a hard time reading it first time around (and TGW, this is being offered as constructive criticism, FYI).  A good word processing program with spell check would do you wonders.  I'd also suggest a beta.  Betas can help you see things that you cannot see because you are too wrapped up in your own text.  They can also catch typos that aren't really typos like:  Fork Drakon vs. Fort Drakon.

If you enjoy writing (which I assume you....there I go with those assumptions again), do keep writing.  But you also have to prepare yourself for some criticism of your work if you put it out in public for all the read.  You can't take the criticism personal (as you've had a little tendency to do).   People are a fickle and subjective bunch.  Some folks are going to love what you do and encourage it and others are going to tell you that what you wrote makes them want to gouge their eyes out with a dull pencil.  

Anyway..just my 2 cents on the matter.


i agree with you Tas presentation is important

#27
The Gay Warden

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Author's Notes: I took everyone's criticism into consideration. Hopefully this chapter will be better. And I'm deeply sorry for an typo's/spelling errors, or misuse of punctuation. :/

Chapter Two: The Duel

Gerard grunted as he pulled tight on a leather strap. After another tug, just to make sure, he nodded, satisfied with the iron bracer upon his forearm. He weilded shield and sword, as well as full body armor, albeit the helmet. The sword was simple, as was the rest of his gear. Normally, he wasn't allowed to use such protection, but this was an occasion. He had been matched with a Qunari warrior--people far from the north, who had been especially trained in comat, and whose strength was nothing to trifle with.

"All set?" a guard asked Gerard.

Gerard hesitated a moment, gave a brisk nod, then puffed his cheeks and blew in exasperation. He knew this would be no simple task. He knew that this Qunari would not go down without a fight. But most importantly, he knew that he would not, either.

"Follow me, then,"  his escort said unnecessarily. Gerard had walked the path towards the arena much times too many.

The guard had led Gerard up into the arena, where an iron barred gate blocked him from the fighting grounds. Oppostie of him,  he could see the Qunari warrior through identical bars. He seemed to be equipped in Qunari traditional armor, and with a heavy, two handed sword. The audience roared in anxiousness, awaiting the upcoming battle.  

"Good people of the arena!" the announcer spoke in a mighty voice. Everyone grew quiet, in order to hear his words. "This is a..." He paused. "Special day. It seems this will be your beloved Gerard's last duel." There were shouts of disapproval and anger as the announcer said this. Though a criminal, Gerard had earned the people's love quite easily with his natural way of besting his opponents. "Should he win, freedom will be granted to him, in atonement of his crimes!" Freedom? Gerard thought mockingly. Freedom was not what awaited him. Selling his life to the Grey Wardens was.

"And this Qunari!" the mighty voice roared. "He has been assigned to combat Gerard, too, in atonement for his crimes!" Voices of anger and hate rose within the stands. No country, or it's peoples, respected the Qunari--they were beings of ruthlessness and hate, attacking lands only to achieve dominance over them. It would not be long until Ferelden, too, was attacked by the Qunari people. "The victor will emerge a free man! But who will be victorious? Let us find out--raise the gates!"

Gerard watched as the barred fence in front of him retracted into the stone cieling. Almost immidiately, the Qunari on the other end of the arena roared a loud war cry, and charged, a mighty sword within his hands. Gerard waited for his foe to reach him, waiting for the time to strike. Within seconds, the warrior was upon him, bringing his blade down over Geardar's head. Gerard reacted by lifting his shield, and perried the blow, but not without sinking to his knee. With his sword hand, he slashed, narrowly missing his target. The Qunari pulled his sword back, and swung again, this time with a wide uppercut. The sword met Gerard's shield once more, but the blast knocked him into the air and onto his back, causing the audience to scream wildly. Could this be the end of the infamous Gerard?

Without hesitation, Gerard rolled, anticipating the sword would greet him where he lay. His instinct proved valid as the massive blade dug itself into the sandy ground. Gerard reclaimd his footing, and swung at the Qunari, whose sword had just retracted from its last blow. Gerard lifted a blade of his own, and brought it to meet his enemy's torso. A successful hit landed, sending sparks as it scraped down against hard metal, where it finally met unprotected flesh. The Qunari yelped in pain and rage, swinging with a wild blow.

Gerard ducked fast, nearly losing his head. Before he could react, his opponent swung once more, and Geard brought up his sheild to recieve the blow. Sword met the hard, wooden shield, and to Gerard's great expense, split it in two. The remains of it fell helplessly to the floor, and Gerard tossed the rest of his broken shield away, attempting a lunge at the warrior once more. This caught the Qunari off guard, and Gerard landing another successful blow, digging the blade into the Qunari's unprotected shoulder blade. His opponent's sword fell, as well as his knees. Gerard kicked the blade away, and lifted his sword to his foe's neck, touching--but unharming--the flesh.

He stared deep in into the Qunari's eyes, panting and breathing heavily. The Qunari returned to stare... but niether of them exchanged glances of hatred, but, rather, respect. This had been Gerard's first real challenge--a worthy foe.

"Well! It seems we have a winner!" the announcer screamed frantically. The audience joined him in praise. "Mighty champion, finish your enemy! You have bested him, and he deserves no mercy!" Gerard stayed his blade, eyes fixed on the Qunari's. The announcer waited, but Gerard's sword remained at the Qunari's throat. "You must finish him!"

Gerard still refused to end his foe's life. The audience watched intently, their voices dying down. After a few moments of anxious silence, Gerard spoke up. "They say that mercy is the mark of a great man," he shouted loudly, so the audience could hear him. He brought up his leg, and kicked the Qunari in the chest, sending him off his knees and into the sand. The native warrior prepared for the blade to end him, but the blast never came. "I guess I'm just a good one." Gerard finished, so that only the Qunari could hear. He offered a hand, in order to help the warrior up.

"No." spoke the deep, stern voice of the Qunari. "You must end me, death will be my atonement."

Gerard let out a small laugh. "Don't be an idiot." he insisted, nodding toward his hand. "Take the damn hand. Or I could cut off the head, if you prefer."

"Finish me." replied the Qunari.

A smile tugged at Gerard's lips. "What is your name?" he asked.

There was a slight hesitation. "It is Sten,"

"Well, Sten," Gerard said. "Maybe you could atone yourself by serving me." Gerard was not about to let a powerful, respectable warrior like this go to waste.

"Why would I assist you? How could I?"

"I am becoming a Grey Warden." spoke Gerard. Sten's attention was caught. "You will follow me. You will help me fight the Blight. You will die in my company." he said.

Sten hesitated. "Very well. I will give my life to you, Warden. I will die for you." he clasped Gerard's hand, and he hauled him to his feet.

"What! No! Guards, seize them, do someth--!" the announcer spoke.

"That will not be necessary." a voice spoke. The announcer turned, to see s tone faced Duncan. "I will take both of those men into my custody. I am using the Rite of Conscription."

"B-but... I..." he stopped. "Yes, Warden..." he turned to the guards, and shook his head. "People of the arena!" the announcer spoke. "It seems there has been a change of events! Both of these men shall live! The duel is over!"

Duncan, satisfied, turned towards the doors. He found his way towards the arena floor, and went to collect Gerard and Sten. After this, it would be off to Ostagar... and on towards the Blight.

Modifié par The Gay Warden, 20 janvier 2010 - 01:19 .


#28
The Gay Warden

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*Sigh*

#29
Raixser

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Much better than chapter one, mate, well done.

Also you've won me over completely to continue reading with lots of hope that you'll continue to improve in your writing.

There are still some problems grammar-wise (e.g. albeit I think you meant to be all but) but I'm able to overlook that because I think you and the story have got potential.

So I'd just like to say good luck to you for the rest of the story and I'll be keeping an eye out for updates! :)

Modifié par Raixser, 20 janvier 2010 - 11:07 .


#30
ReubenLiew

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It's much better now. Keep it up!
And we all know how hard it is to sometimes get work that's ignored but that's the way the cookie crumbles. Don't worry about it, just keep on writing, even if the first few chapters get ignored if you keep on writing people WILL eventually click out of interest and it'll start to grow.
Same thing for me and my art, really. If it weren't for a select few people I think I'd probably get no response on DA (I'd argue on anything, period) either.
Keep on truckin'.

Modifié par ReubenLiew, 20 janvier 2010 - 11:29 .


#31
AdorableAnarchist

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Definitely a fantastic improvement! It was a much easier read and the character seemed a bit more realistic. Keep pushing yourself -- I know, I know, it hurts and burns, but you're seeing the pay off.

#32
Hecthorn

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Wow, a great improvement indeed!



There are still some minor glimpses concerning your spelling, but this time i gladly read over them, for the rest of the story was well-made.



Keep it up!

#33
The Gay Warden

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Glad to see I could please you guys. I'll re-write the first chapter soon.