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[westiex9]

My first attempt a Fan fiction (consider thyself warned!)

The land is at peace following the blight but old enemies now plot the new orders downfall and a confrontation between Forces loyal to the new Rulers and those who would see them overthrown is about to occur.


Chapter 1
Queen Fiona Cousland stared out at the city from the balcony of the royal apartment; Denerim was a bustling hive of activity despite the cold and everywhere Ruins of buildings burnt and ravaged during the blight were being replaced by new well made Structures of brick and carved wood. Fiona Remembered the city in the days before the Blight had ravaged it, a crowded place filled with dirty shacks and miserable slums.

The city had risen from the ashes of the Arch-Demons rampage stronger and more unified than ever before, not even Maric himself could have claimed to hold the loyalty that The Warden King and his beloved queen enjoyed amongst the common people. Under King Alistair the land had been able to rebuild itself rapidly the royal couples days were filled with meetings and court sessions which could last well into the evenings and the young king and queen would often wonder if there had ever been a blight or a time when they were little more than wanderers.

Fiona was used to court life she was the daughter of a Teryn and accustomed to the life of a noble but even so from time to time she would feel a wanderlust creep into her soul and the urge to leave the confines of the Palace would become unbearable, today was such a time. It was still early as she prepared to sneak out and she knew the guard would be her only obstacle to a mornings ride, she would sneak past them and out the doors of the great hall. The guards at the door were Highever raised and she knew them by name Morgan and William would be no issue as they knew when to be dutiful and when to turn a blind eye.

She was dressed in the plain riding clothes of a household page and a rough and tattered old cloak, and as she crept down the hallway no one would think to notice one of the queens Highever pages going about the palace. She soon made her way to the stables and Left the palace at a quick pace eager to be out in the open streets of Denerim. She rode down the paved roads of the Noble District and into the Cobbled Filth and grime of the market before leaving the city gate and entering the forests that surrounded Denerim.

The Tranquil silence of the forest dispelled the noise and chaos of the city and she rode into the trees hoping to find a quiet spot to be alone for a time.Her plans were  disrupted by the sound of a crossbow bolt shrieking through the air and into her horse knocking her from the saddle as the animal fled mad from the pain of its wound. She struggled from the ground sword in hand to see a group of cloaked men filling the Forest around her. There were at least a dozen of them and they were armed, one of the men stepped forward “The Arlessa sends her greetings!” He said before signalling the other would be assassins to attack.

 They rushed at her from all sides with knives and swords raised to strike; she avoided the first to try to strike her and brought her sword down upon his neck slicing through it in a spray of gore. The rest of the assailants charged as one group attempting to overpower her with numbers as she wrenched her sword free from her first victim. She moved forward bringing her sword down at a wide arc, the blade cleaved through another opponent’s chest and tore free with a sickening sound as it shattered bones and sliced through flesh. She knocked another attacker to the ground with a smack from her pommel before burying the blade in his belly as he screamed in agony, a fourth attacker slashed her arm with a long dagger leaving a messy cut across her right arm. She tore her blade free from the dying attackers belly and brought it down across the knife wielding assassin’s neck cleaving his head off with ease. The assailants began to move back seeing their comrades lying dead and soon knives had been replaced by crossbows again as they let loose a volley of screeching bolts.

Fiona rushed through the trees as bolts slammed into the ground and flew past her “these are not amateurs” Fiona thought as she ducked behind a tree “they are more than willing to fight dirty if it means killing me” as they drew closer she broke cover and ran a bolt whistled after her and crashed into her leg. She collapsed and began to crawl unable to stand; she could hear the crunch of leaves as they approached. The leader stood above her with a crossbow trained on her “you put up a good fight” he said in a mocking tone “but I was paid a great deal to kill you and I don’t intend to disappoint” a flash of white teeth filled the darkness of the hooded man’s face and he pointed the crossbow at her head “shame really” he muttered “I remember being told you were a great hero” he shrugged clearly disappointed “ she is” a familiar Antivan voice said with a chuckle before hurling a knife at the Assassin leader and catching him in the eye. 

He died instantly and fell backwards with several inches of steel buried in his face. “ The king sends his regards” Zevran said as he helped to her feet behind them the screams of her would be assassins now filled the air as armoured men in royal livery cut them down, amongst the soldiers the Cousland shields of William and Morgan were visible. She felt a weakness wash over her as the sight of her men grew more blurred and collapsed Her eyes darkening.

TO BE CONTINUED

Modifié par westiex9, 20 janvier 2010 - 10:43 .

[AdorableAnarchist]

Interesting premise. I like Zevran coming to the rescue as he did. I'm also excited to see who is trying to overthrow them. Can't wait to see who it is and their motivations! I just have three things you might keep in mind.



1. Random capitalization of words. In the first paragraph "ruins" was capitalized along with a few others. There wasn't a need for that and it was a bit jarring as I stopped to figure out if there was a reason behind it.



2. Comma use. Commas would help separate some of your ideas that seemed to run on.



3. And following #2, there were a great deal of run-on sentences. Split them up to add a bit more drama and impact.



Very good for your first piece!! That first plunge is always the hardest. Can't wait to see the story unfold!

[Kohaku]

I was actually going to say the same as Adorable. Those are the things that struck out at me.



However, I like where it could be going. Zevran makes everything better.

[westiex9]

lol thanks guys ill have to work on the grammer a bit before i post the second part.

[AdorableAnarchist]

Grammar and spelling are two of my problems. I find that if I read soemthing outloud to myself, it helps me catch things.

[Hecthorn]

Nice start.

The rescue of the queen was well-timed and Zevran's appearance actually was a real surprise to me as I thought him to be somewhere else at the time...

[MarcusDeVarro]

i liked it, it has a good flow

but as AA said the random capatlizations kinda takes away from how good the story is

[westiex9]

the second chapter of the fanfic, im hoping the spelling an grammar will be better but please keep the constructive criticism coming its really helpful.


Chapter 2
Fiona awoke in a warm bed to the sound of loud snoring; Alistair King of Ferelden lay slumped on a chair by the bed and looked as though he’d been there a while. “Makers Breath!” Fiona complained weakly “I don’t know what’s worse! The pains in my leg or you’re snoring” Fiona’s voice startled Alistair who nearly fell of his chair in surprise.

“Thank the maker you’re awake! Wynne said the poison nearly killed you!” said Alistair in a relieved tone “Poison?” Fiona asked curious “the bolt those assassins fired was coated in a rare poison from Tevinter and took all of Wynne’s skill to cure” he said his eyes suddenly very serious.

“So any ideas who ordered the assassins? And who could this Arlessa be?” she asked a grin lighting up her face “we don’t know yet, but from what my agents in the marches tell me this so called “Arlessa” the assassins mentioned might be one of Loghains old allies in exile” Alistair said in a thoughtful tone. Alistair leaned back on his chair and sighed “they say it might be Delilah Howe” Alistair said in a serious tone.
“The Howe’s died at Denerim during the battle I remember hearing about it!”  Fiona said not willing to believe that a Howe was alive “We never found Delilah’s body” Alistair said “we assumed she had died with her family either at the hands of Darkspawn or disgruntled servants, but we never had any way of knowing for sure” Alistair suddenly looked very tired “We know nothing for sure yet but I thought I’d tell you now rather than later” Alistair said before rising to leave the room “ we will know the truth soon enough” Fiona said quietly as she lay back to rest. 
           
                      ****************************************************************************

The army camp stretched out across the plain in every direction, the accumulated stench of thousands of men, excrement and cooking fires filled the air. Delilah was used to the stench after months of travel and felt more at home here than anywhere else.  She sat in her tent staring at the Howe signet ring the great amaranthine bear engraved on its surface; it was the last vestige of a former life and a grim reminder of her father’s bloody end.  
Delilah had known of her father’s greed and jealousy even before he had begun his brutal rise to power. She remembered vividly the way he would sit in his study when he thought himself alone and curse king Maric for his lack of rewards and Bryce Cousland for his continuous acquisition of them.

Rendon Howe had ambitions that could never be satisfied and the more time that passed the more her father had hated everyone he had once called friend. But despite his dark flaws Rendon had been a kind and loving father and the things he did to other nobles became distant whenever he smiled with genuine affection at the sight of his children. She knew of his deeds but she loved him he was her father and always would be.
Delilah had no great love for the Cousland’s, every visit to their castle had left her feeling small and pitiful when she compared herself to Fiona Cousland and her family. Fiona was everything that Delilah was not beautiful, renowned and charismatic in comparison Delilah was plain, unheard of and generally quiet. Envy had filled her from an early age and now as she sat exiled, disgraced and believed dead she felt the same hatred and contempt her father had once held for the Couslands.

Delilah had been the sole survivor of the attack on the Denerim estate; her family had been abandoned late in the night by guard and servant alike without even a warning of the Darkspawn approach, so despised they had been.
The night the Hurlocks came had been terrifying, they had broken the doors leading into the estate and killed anyone still present. She had not waited to find out why her brother and mother screamed in the next room   she had taken her father’s signet ring and fled in horror into the burning night. She had hid amongst rubble and corpses that night too terrified to move as horrors stalked the streets, the battle had ended the following morning with a great and inhuman shriek coming from the high tower of fort Drakon. In the weeks that followed her old life was further erased when she heard the news of the new king’s coronation and his edict that her family be stripped of all titles.

She had left Ferelden by ship and gone across the waking sea into exile and anonymity. The free marches had been violent and the constant skirmishes and minor wars between the cities provided more than enough outlet for her vengeful rage.  She had become a mercenary in the months that followed and proved very good at it, she had lost everything and thought nothing of killing others without hesitation. In time she became well known in the free marches as a ruthless soldier and a merciless killer, it was this reputation that brought her to Anora’s attention. 

 She had been sought out one night in Starkhaven by a man with sunken eyes who had called himself Imrek; he claimed to have served under Teryn Loghain and to now serve her daughter as well. Imrek had promised her much in the days that followed land, wealth and most importantly revenge. The deposed Queen of ferelden was stirring rebellion amongst her father’s old allies in the Bannorn and would provide Delilah with the funds to build and lead a great army to ferelden.

Delilah had agreed without hesitation and together with Imrek begun buying mercenaries in preparation for a great invasion.  That army now numbered four thousand strong and she knew that combined with the forces of the Queens supporters would more than outnumber the Cousland usurpers soldiers. She would return to ferelden and then she would gut that red haired **** herself.  

                     ***********************************************************************************

Anora Mac Tir sat in her poorly heated tower cell reading a letter written by Arl Ceorlic, it had been carefully encoded to prevent the Guard from discovering anything. The message translated from its cipher read:

“My Queen

Your agent imrek reports that Arlessa Howe is as ruthless and skilled as her reputation describes, she has amassed a vast army and will arrive on the shores of northern ferelden shortly. Soon your father shall be avenged soon we shall all be avenged

You’re faithful Servant
Arl Ceorlic”

Anora smiled and threw the letter into the fireplace even the failure of the assassins could not weaken her excitement, she had been a prisoner too long and she intended to make her captors pay for her humiliation dearly. She had spent the last year creating alliances and forming contacts with those loyal to her within ferelden and those sympathetic to her cause from without. She had even gained the support of some of the more disgruntled Orlesian nobility who preferred the idea of Anora ruling to Fiona Cousland.  Her father would likely have killed her had he been alive to see her accept orlesian gold but he was dead and she would avenge him by any means even dealing with his most hated enemies.

Modifié par westiex9, 21 janvier 2010 - 08:34 .

[AdorableAnarchist]

Very nice! I'm loving how you characterize folks! There is definite improvement, but watch your line breaks. Paragraphs running together makes for rough reading. Here's what I found:



1. Paragraph one, "you're snoring" should be "your snoring." "You're" is a contraction of "you are" and should only be used when you would use the subject and verb -- I have to constantly make myself say "you are" out loud to make sure it fits. LOL



2. Start Fiona's poison line after a line break. Generally, it's a good rule of thumb to start each person's next piece of dialogue on a new line. Of course, there are exceptions, but best to err on the side of caution and make it very clear who is speaking.



3. "signet ring WITH the great..." Adding the "with" makes this sentence flow together better.



4. Delilah's characterization is great! I'd love to see some flashbacks showing her change from arlessa to merc. I bet they would be a good read. I can't wait to see her develop! I can tell she's going to be someone I love to hate.



5. Commas, commas, commas... I loathe these little beasties, but they help keep things moving smoothly. http://owl.english.p...esource/607/02/ is an excellent resource for understanding the care and feeding and using of commas.



Keep going, please!!!

[westiex9]

Chapter 3- The plot thickens as both sides grow ever closer to confrontation, The royal couple call in their best agents and the Traitors prepare to march on ferelden.

Please keep the constructive criticism coming folks its been a massive help and is greatly appreciated


Chapter 3
 
The royal palace was silent as the night began to arrive, Fiona watched the city from the balcony, her leg having fully healed thanks to Wynne’s skill. Alistair entered the room without a word; he came to the balcony and stood beside Fiona in a companionable silence. “I have sent an agent to Cumberland to find out the truth of these rumours” Alistair said calmly, Fiona turned to look at her husband “who?” she asked quietly, Alistair smiled “carling” he said with a proud look.

“You managed to convince the Arl of shadows himself to spy on the free marches!” Fiona said clearly impressed, Alistair smiled “what can I say I do my best” he replied with a toothy grin, “I hope you don’t mind I also borrowed one your stealthy friend’s and sent her to carling” Alistair said, Fiona stared at him coldly for a moment “I pray that she proves useful, I have a sore need to exact retribution” Fiona said with a voice that chilled Alistair to the bone. Alistair knew that this was the warden speaking and not his wife, and the warden would show the traitors no mercy.  
 
                        *************************************************************************************

Bann carling was called the “Arl of shadows” with good reason, the seemingly harmless appearance of an aging minor noble was merely a veil to hide carlings true self, Carling was a spymaster and his name was well earned. During the great rebellion his cunning had likely killed more chevaliers then the swords of countless famed warriors, carling had used his appearance to make the Orlesians think him a harmless man of leisure, all the while sending whole legions into ambushes with clever manipulation’s and ploys.

Carling was man who used his anonymity as a weapon, he had matched wits with Antivan crows and Imperial Shadows, and yet to the unperceptive he was merely an aging grandfather, loveable but not particularly dangerous. Carling had served every ferelden ruler since Moira he was a spy but a patriotic one, Carling spied for ferelden and ferelden alone, he rubbed the stump where his left hand had once been, a memento from the orlesian emperor who had sent shadows to kill the spymaster shortly after the war, they had failed but it had been a close call. The Bann had arrived in the free marches city of Cumberland two weeks ago at King Alistair’s behest; he was here to discover the truth behind the rumours of an invasion, the identity of the “Arlessa” and of course to hinder and disrupt anything the invaders had planned.

The Door opened with a creak as A young woman with bright red hair entered the room, Carling knew this woman to be Leliana the queens close friend and a spy worthy of respect, Carling rose and smiled “Welcome to the marches my dear, I trust the journey was not unkind” Carling said before motioning for her to sit, “The King sent me to aid you my lord but what do you wish me to do?” Leliana asked in a soft orlesian voice, Carling walked towards the map pinned to the office wall and pointed to the coastal portion of ferelden, sweeping his hand across the area for emphasis.

 “This northern ferelden” he began “it is long, sparsely populated and severely undermanned, soon this invasion force will leave the marches and make its way to the coast, if they succeed in landing without warning the royal army may never get the chance to respond” he turned to leliana with a grim look on his aging face “I want you to sneak into the mercenary camp, and find out who this arlessa is and where she plans to attack”  he sighed “this task is vital for the kingdoms survival, every free marcher sell sword and out of work soldier from here to starkhaven is being tempted to join this army by gold, if they succeed in landing without warning ferelden is finished” Leliana nodded knowing the importance of her mission “the camp will be large and filled with mercenaries from across thedas, you should be able to blend in and discover what you need to without attracting attention” said carling turning to his reports “the camps location is marked on this map, maker be with you” carling said passing her the map, he watched her leave and sighed, the risks were great but they were necessary, she would come back with the information or not at all.   
 
                                     *********************************************************************

The camp was almost quiet as evening set in; most of the men now slept or went about their duties in silence. Delilah alone seemed unable to rest, she had seen much in the year she had spent in the free marches and the memories of that years scarred her mind like old wounds waiting to be picked open. She had arrived in the free marches one year ago, the marches had long been a haven for those seeking escape from their past and she had been another anonymous deposed noble in a sea of the exiled and dispossessed people that filled this patchwork land. She had arrived in Starkhaven with nothing to lose in those first months, she had sought release from the memories of her destroyed former life, and she had joined one of the most brutal and feared mercenary companies in the free marches.

The Bloodied were a violent and sadistic assortment even by the free marches normal standards, their leader was Harran Kell a man whose savagery inspired respect in his employers and terror in his victims. Harran had a particular fondness for initiations; he would accept anyone who wished to join his company, he would bring his new recruits on village raid were he would gather up the inhabitants of the village in a line, the new recruits were presented with a simple choice, kill the villager in front of them or die themselves.

Most of the Recruits hesitated and had their throats cut in moments, but Delilah felt nothing when she stared knife in hand into the eyes of a shaking peasant boy, the child was barely thirteen summers and terrified, but Delilah had no feelings of remorse and had plunged her blade into his heart without a second thought. Her lack of hesitation had impressed Harran and he had promptly taken her under his wing. For Delilah killing innocents was an easy task, she  would simply remember what she had lost and the who had destroyed her former life and the killing rage would consume her. Envisioning Fiona Cousland in the eyes of every victim she soon became Harran's Favourite killer as the trail of her dead she left grew steadily longer.

In the months that followed the bloodied had rampaged through the free marches leaving countless butchered villages in their wake, anything that he been left of her former self was now truly erased, if Harran asked her to kill an innocent she did so and if he asked her to throw a torch into a barricaded chantry she did so. Harran’s violence was not reserved for the battlefield; he would unleash savage abuse upon her at night, not content to harm those in the villages he turned his fists and depravity even on Delilah. The months soon blurred into a hazy sea of violence and brutality, she existed simply to follow Harran’s orders, but eventually she became too strong for him and planned with cold logic to overthrow her abusive captain.

Power in violent groups such as the bloodied invariably rested on savagery and Harran had taught Delilah well, too well perhaps. One night Harran stumbled drunken and aggressive into her tent ready for his usual night’s debauchery, she had obliged him but not for long, he did not see the knife in her hand until it was too late. She plunged the blade into his belly causing him to howl like a maimed animal, she had twisted it free and stabbed him again and again until she grew tired and left his mutilated body to bleed to death.

Outside the bloodied stood awaiting her, they knew she had killed Harran and they obediently bowed to their new captain like a pack of wolves would to a new alpha. The bloodied knew the winds of change when they saw them and any concepts of loyalty were rooted in who was strongest. In the months that followed her cruelty exceeded Harran’s in every way, she burnt towns and crushed Small armies all in the name of gold and violence.  And it was these acts that drew Anora to her like a moth to flame. And yet despite all the soul numbing horrors she had seen and committed she could not sleep, something of the child that had once sat listening to her father’s tales of Dane and Hafter still remained and like a shard of glass it prodded her soul and refused her sleep or peace.
 ********************************************************************************
Leliana rode into the camp without raising any eyebrows, she was just another mercenary come to partake of any spoils the army might earn in ferelden. She stared at the people filling the camp, Rivani, Anders, Nevarran and even the odd Qunari filled the stinking landscape of tents and smoke, leliana steadied herself she had work to do and it needed to be finished quickly.



  

Modifié par westiex9, 22 janvier 2010 - 11:35 .

[westiex9]

Chapter 4- the Royal couple's spies uncover the details of the invasion and race to ferelden, meanwhile the traitors ready themselves to sail at last as the final act of the winter war draws closer.


Chapter 4
Highever castle was a bustling hive of activity, the queen and king had arrived from Denerim a day ago and had brought many soldiers with them. Teryn Fergus Coulsand was unsettled by the unfolding events; it had only been just over a year since the blight and already armies massed in highever once again. His sister and the king had met with him the previous evening, they had been blunt an invasion was coming and it would soon hit the north.
 
As Fergus strolled down the long corridors he tried to imagine the horrors the silent stone had witnessed. The castle had been rebuilt shortly after the blight’s end but fire and smoke still scarred the old stones, the black stains were a constant and painful reminder of the brutal night when Fergus’s entire family had been put to the sword, all save Fiona had died and he had thanked the maker for the mercy he had shown Fergus’s sister.

Fergus knew battle was coming and he had raised all the men he could spare, but the country was weakened by the blight and Fergus knew deep down that his sister’s army would find few recruits left. The only thing Fergus could take comfort in was the fact that Eamon’s army was largely intact and made up of veteran soldiers. Fergus knew they would be outnumbered and he knew many would die, but Fergus was a Cousland and his family had always carried out their duty even at the cost of their own lives.   
                                  ******************************************************************************

The army camp had been as bann carling had suggested large, dangerous and disorganized, certainly the arlessa’s second imrek had attempted to police the thousands of mercenaries, but his executions of suspicious soldiers had only heightened the discontent of the fractured camp. Fortunatley for leliana as dangerous a threat as the invaders posed to ferelden the size of their forces made espionage an easy task.

Leliana suspected imrek of being privy to the arlessa’s strategy, but more importantly she recognised imrek as a former agent of loghain and in all likelihood a current servant of anora, loyalties rarely travelled far from their source. Imrek’s tent had been guarded by two soldiers bearing no heraldry, outsider’s leliana suspected maybe even anora’s men. Removing them had been no great issue; leliana’s knives had made short and discreet work of the guards. She had entered to find imrek seated at a desk, his sword had been left by his bed sheathed, and she grabbed it and pressed the unsheathed steel to his throat. 

 “good evening imrek” Leliana had said in soft and yet aggressive tone “ I have questions, and would very much like them to be answered” imrek was an easily intimidated man and had not dared cry out, he was a sycophant and lived in another’s shadow always, screaming for help would have been too courageous for his like. “I will tell you nothing! Your usurper is doomed” he had hissed venomously “kill me if you wish but I will tell you nothing!” Leliana had recognised this as bravado and ignored his words “you know I always thought the maker was too rough in his design for men, you are so bulky and lack the curves of a woman” she saw the confusion in his eyes and knew she had his attention “ and your intimate parts are so unlovely” she continued moving the blade down to imrek’s groin “perhaps if I removed the ugliness of your loins you could become a woman” Leliana said in a low threatening tone, imrek had cracked under the threat of castration “ alright!” he had whisper in a fearful voice “ I will tell you anything, but please move the blade” she did so noticing the wet stain gathering in the his breeches as she moved it. 

“First question my dear, who is the arlessa? Is she the child of rendon howe!” Leliana said blade still pressed against imrek’s neck “Yes! Yes! She’s the last of her house!” he said through clenched teeth, “are you working for anora mac tir? Is she behind this all?” leliana said “yes the queen sent me to find the arlessa and build an army” imrek said his voice nervous “where will the invasion take place tell me now!” leliana said gripping the back of his neck with her other hand “West hills! We are to meet the queen’s supporters and march on denerim! Now please let me go!” He finished pleading fearfully for release; leliana covered his mouth with her hand as he began to struggle “if only I could” she said icily as she cut his throat “but you are anora’s eyes in the free march, and she sorely needs to be blinded” leliana said quietly as she wiped the blade on the dying mans armour.

Leliana checked the documents in his desk, most were unimportant but one note bearing Arl Ceorlic’s seal stood out from the rest. She opened it:

Ser Imrek
The queen’s supporters are massing in the bannorn and are ready to march on west hills, we will meet your forces there and together with the arlessa we shall finally overthrow the usurper and her bastard husband. We shall meet you on the coast at dusk five days from now, the beach will be marked by torches. Remember you shall now it is our forces when the call “landsmeet” is heard from the shore.
Maker smile upon us
Arl Ceorlic

Leliana folded the letter and placed it in her pocket; she plunged the knife into the desk and left the tent. The camp guards had not yet become suspicious of the tent, but they would soon know something was amiss. Leliana pulled her hood over her head and crept into the shadows, the soldiers here would be guarding the camp palisade but she would make short work of any sentries. She had long been Marjolaines prized student and her acrobatic skill and that skill had only improved over time. The palisade held no obstacle to leliana it was barely the height of two men and easy to scale, she would fly over the walls this night. 

                  *******************************************************************************************

Bann carling was busy packing when Leliana returned to the Cumberland offices, when asked how he had known of her return he had smiled and responded “you aren’t the only spy I have in the free marches” Leliana had smiled back and passed him the letter she had recovered from the camp. “This was in Imrek’s tent, I believe it confirms everything we feared” carling read the note quickly “then my expedience was well timed” he said placing a powdery substance on the corner of the page and rubbing, the top of the page promptly filled with a date “old nobles trick to hide information” he muttered “I suppose Ceorlic thought the date of the invasion would be more important to hide then the details, must have known we suspected something” Carling turned to the barren wall were the map was still standing “ that letter was written three days ago” carling said ominously “ the enemy sails tomorrow night” he took the map from the wall and folded it neatly. “We leave as soon as the office is cleared, we have a message to deliver and Highever won’t wait long for us” Carling said passing the map to an attendant “come our vessel awaits us” leliana followed the aging bann as they left the battered old offices and headed for the docks. 

                     ***************************************************************************

Delilah stared at the bloody corpse of her lieutenant and his guards with mild irritation, if the guards had lived she could have had them flayed alive as an example but this killer had left no loose ends for her to tug. “My lady” one of anora’s soldiers said nervously “should we search the country? They could still be caught” Delilah had raised a silencing hand “we have no time for chasing spies across the country! Ready the army to board the ships” she had said turning her back to the corpses, as she began to walk to her tent the guard had called out again “but my lady what shall we do with the bodies” Delilah had turned and with a stern look said “leave them for the wolves we are an army not a pack of chantry fools” she had left striding to her tent her mind already on other matters.

                              ***************************************************************************
The small galley had been designed to move quickly across the narrow gulf between the marches and ferelden, the wind was strong and they moved at great speed. Bann carling stared across the sea to the see northern ferelden on the horizon, he smiled and turned to leliana “thank the maker I will sleep in ferelden tonight, those marches always leave a nasty taste in my mouth” Leliana had smiled and pointed to the oncoming shore, highever castle stood on the horizon, a great bastion of strength calling them home.
 
 

Modifié par westiex9, 24 janvier 2010 - 03:38 .

[AdorableAnarchist]

Excellent. Again, watch running all of your conversations into one paragraph. The paragrapoh between Lelianna and Carling was very difficult to read. Also, you should capitalize the name Carling. Final thing, take a look at the rules of punctuating conversations.

[westiex9]

The bloody climax of the winter war occurs as the two sides finally clash, its taken a while so please leave constructive criticism .

waves crashed against the beach as Queen Fiona watched from the high cliff, the bodies of the traitors where being collected and dumped in large piles across the beach. Arlessa Howe would get her signal fires but not in the form she was expecting.

Bann Carlings information had proven invaluable the traitors had massed on the beach awaiting the arrival of the free marchers; they had camped for the night along the beach and been easily overwhelmed when Fiona’s men killed them in their beds. Many nobles were amongst the dead including Arl Ceorlic, Fiona felt little remorse for them they had made their choice and suffered the consequences.

Fiona looked up to see lightning in the skies and the roar of thunder ominously filling the afternoon air, a storm was breaking and soon these beaches would run red with men’s blood once more. She uttered a silent prayer to the maker and hoped he would keep her people safe in the coming days; the rest she knew was up to her.
Fiona turned from the cliff and walked back to the camp where her soldiers, her friends and her family had gathered. 

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As she entered the camp she looked around at her people, Oghren sat with her bodyguards William and Morgan, cursing heavily due to a combination of strong ale and bad card hands. Leliana nodded with a smile as Fiona passed before returning to strumming her lute; Zevran looked up from his flirtations with a young female page and winked slyly.

She walked towards the large pavilion she and Alistair shared and strode in the mud on her buds squelching on the covered floor. Alistair sat staring at a picture in his locket; it was the a lifelike image of Fiona on their wedding day her fiery red hair filled with Dalish wild flowers and her beauty frozen in the locket eternally, it had been a gift from the circle and he always looked at it in times of uncertainty or fear and never seemed to fail at reassuring him. He looked up at her with a warm smile.

Fiona returned his smile and sat down next to him on their bed “Best day of my life” he said with a loving gaze “flowers were blooming everywhere in Gwaren but the Andraste’s grace paled before you” Alistair said as he reminisced “in the summer maybe we should go back to Gwaren and see them bloom again” said Fiona taking his hand “but first we have to survive the winter” she said resting her head on his shoulder. He took her face in his hands and kissed her “you can’t survive a winter without warmth” he said with a smile “and I can help with that” Fiona grinned and blew out the candles.

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The morning came quickly and as Fiona rose from the bed she knew the battle was almost upon them, outside the clank of boots and sounding of horns filled the darkened early hours. Fiona stared at the amulet around her neck, It had been called reflection and she had been gifted it by her father’s spectre long ago she stared into it to see the smiling faces of her mother and father “I haven’t come this far to let your sacrifice be undone by Howe’s daughter” she said staring at the amulet with a determined look “be with me today and watch over me” Fiona said placing the amulet under her shirt.

Alistair woke soon after Fiona and they dressed quickly and then left to meet the army outside, three thousand men and women stood assembled as they took the stand it was an impressive sight.   Seeing the king approach Oghren bellowed an order for silence “listen up you nug humpers!”  Every soldier stood to attention.

Alistair strode to the front of the stand and stared into the crowd “Men and women of Ferelden! You have long stood strong against all manner of threats from the Orlesians to the blight, now we face an invasion spawned by treachery and past grudges, stand with me now and we shall hold back this malicious tide! Stand with me now and let us lead this land into the future!” as Alistair Finished the assembled army erupted in cheers. Fiona smiled and drew her sword, her husband had done his part and now it was her turn.

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Delilah Howe’s ships advanced towards the cost like a school of predatory fish, the signal fires were lit on the beach and she expected to be sleeping in a Ferelden bed by evening. As the ships finally reached the shore Delilah knew something was wrong,   the torches on the beach were too large and they smelt “I know that smell” she said to herself concerned, the stench of burning bodies filled the beach air.

A horn sounded in the high cliffs, Delilah duck behind a wooden post as the arrows reigned down. The sailor that had been standing next to her went down with a muted scream as several burning arrows pierced his body and pinned him to a mast, Delilah looked around to see the night sky lit up with fire and arrows. Delilah was calm she had seen this carnage a hundred times in the free marches, she called to her Chasind lieutenant “Crow!” she yelled “gather the men and follow me over the side! Leave the wounded!” Delilah said as Crow’s tattooed face contorted with a flash of yellowing teeth, the closest thing to a smile he could make.

“Live or die Arlessa, we shall have a good battle!”   Delilah did not respond to crow instead she grabbed her prized axe and leapt over the side of the ship. Her men soon followed and began to form up on the beaches, above them archers rained volleys of arrows down upon the free marchers and even in the dark Delilah recognised the blue Cousland wings flowing in the wind, she spat angrily and charged her men howling and rushing after her.   

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Fiona had ordered her soldiers to form a shield wall along the beach, the cliffs above had to be protected and the invaders pushed back. Fiona the enemy watched from the front, the free marchers had managed to organize into a line quickly despite the arrows “**** works fast!” Oghren yelled over the noise, Fiona smiled “then we’ll have to kill her faster!” Oghren chuckled and returned to his post.

The free marchers started to advance towards the Ferelden lines as Fiona continued to watch calmly. The Ferelden battle plan was simple Fiona was to hold the free marchers in the centre while Fergus and Alistair pinned them on both flanks, Fiona smiled darkly “the plan should work fine” she thought to herself “provided we don’t have a traitor like at Ostagar”  she turned to Morgan who was standing behind her with a horn “give the signal to advance” Fiona said “ lets meet the **** head on” The horn blew twice loud and true, the soldiers let a out a roar and the charge began.

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The two armies crashed in the beaches centre in a great shove of men, blades and shields Delilah knew she outnumbered the enemy and intended to use that advantage.   She led three of the best companies into the thickest part of the fighting her own war band the bloodied, the Qunari mercenaries and Crow’s Chasind. Delilah intended to use these troops to cut the heart out of the Ferelden army.

The Ferelden’s began to die in droves as the Qunari crashed into their lines and Delilah knew of she kept the pressure up the line would buckle and collapse, she called to Crow “Keep the advance going, I have a head to claim”   Crow gave a smile, the deforming scar on his jaw and yellowed teeth making it seem more like a snarl. Delilah scanned the battle field, Fiona could not be far from the front and Delilah didn’t doubt the usurper would be seeking her too. 

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Fiona rushed forward with Morgan and William following close behind, she deftly avoided an axe blow and decapitated the attacker, she did not stop she continued moving forward Delilah Howe was close and Fiona would not let her escape retribution. A tall figure stood in the distance helmeted though the figure was Fiona knew her enemy instantly, Delilah Howe stood over a young soldier and promptly ran him through before turning to greet her new enemy.

Fiona and Delilah locked eyes glaring at each other in the midst of the burning carnage of the battle, no one would dare interfere and Fiona knew that the outcome of the battle would be decided not by the thousands fighting and dying around her but by the outcome of this duel. She roared a challenge and charged forward, Morgan rushed after “Morgan no!” William cried as a large Chasind moved to block the young soldier’s path.

William stood powerless as his brother was impaled upon a Chasind flat blade and knocked to the ground; the Chasind wrenched his blade free from Morgan’s chest   and a smile filled his scarred face. William the blood in his veins burn and a rage he had never known fill him he sprang forward and met the Chasind blade to blade.
 
The Chasind brought his massive two handed weapon down upon Williams shield with enough force to dent the metal frame, the Chasind then raised his blade and knocked William to the ground with the blows enormous force. The Chasind kicked Williams shield to one side and advanced eager for another kill, William stared up at his would be killer and anger filled his sight.

“Maker” William whispered through clenched teeth “guide my blade” he brought his sword up and stabbed deep into the Chasind’s Chest, the Chasind stumbled back with the blade sticking out of his chest and his grip on the flat blade weakened, but he did not fall. William searched around frantically for a weapon and then he saw it, one of the body piles was still on fire behind the Chasind, and one good shove would be all that William would need.

William bellowed a war cry and rushed towards the massive Chasind, he crashed into his enemy with enough force to send him tumbled backwards straight into the burning fire. The Chasind howled as the fire spread across his clothes and flesh and began to thrash about madly, the burning man tried to pat the flames out to no avail, the fires had been oil lit and he would burn no matter how he struggled. His howls filled the night sky as william turned his back, a thousand individual struggles filled the beach and no one noticed William alone and unarmed. William rushed to his brother’s side and saw with a sudden feeling of absolute horror the steadily expanding pool of blood.

 Morgan was lying on the ground breathing weakly; William fell to his knees beside Morgan burning tears streaming down his face “why brother?” William said barely able to form the words “it’s just the way things are” Morgan said forcing the words from his broken lips “I’m a dead man brother, that bastard Chasind ran me through!” He groaned and clutched his wound as more blood poured free and he pushed back his brother’s attempts to stem the bleeding.
 
“Enough! You don’t have time to waste on me! Get to the queen.....that free marcher....don’t let her ruin everything we’ve built!” Morgan let out a pained grunt “Go!” he yelled “but brother! We can still save you the mages....” Williams’s protests were cut off as Morgan yelled loudly “Damn it William! I said go! The queen is more important...and William do me a favour” William nodded his eyes red with tears “tell Emer I love her....now go! go!” William rose dazed and looked at his brother one final time before turning his back and running towards the queen, he stopped only once to retrieve the dead chasind's discarded blade.



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Fiona and Delilah had been fighting for several minutes when they heard the great howling noise that signalled the death of Delilah’s lieutenant, Fiona smiled at her opponent “ friend of yours” she said in a mocking tone, Delilah smiled back “hired help, completely unreliable these days” she said bringing her axe down on Fiona’s shield.   

 Fiona stepped to the side to avoid the blow and then shoved forward knocking Delilah back, Delilah regained her footing and moved in for another swing “your line ends here!” she yelled as the axe crashed into the metal of Fiona’s family shield “I’ve heard that before! And your father was wrong too” Fiona said thrusting at Delilah’s leg with her blade, the iron cutting a deep line across Delilah’s leg and eliciting a faint growl of pain.

Delilah gripped her shield tightly and bashed the heavy metal boss into her opponents helmeted face, Fiona crashed to the ground blood streaming from her face as she scrambled for her sword. Delilah strode forward and placed a heavy boot on the sword’s pommel stopping Fiona from grabbing it “you took everything from me!” Delilah screamed “my family, my land and my titles! I had to scrounge and murder in the marches while you lived in luxury! “Delilah drew a strange black bladed knife from her belt “This thing has Poison on it from Kal Sharok; apparently it takes days to kill its victims” she said smiling sadistically “I’ve waited a long time for this, your family will pay for what it did to me, I only wish the poison could last week’s!”  Delilah lifted the blade and readied herself for the vengeful strike. 

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Fiona looked up at the black dagger and knew her end was near “Father I’m sorry” she whispered as the blade began to descend with almost unnatural slowness. The blade never reached its intended victim, a howl of pain erupted from Delilah as William stabbed his newly acquired blade deep into her ankle, Delilah knocked him back with an elbow and sent him sprawling on the floor but as she stumbled back her boot left Fiona’s sword.
 
Fiona grabbed her family sword and rose to her feet and thrust her blade deep into Delilah’s chest, Delilah fell forward gripping Fiona weakly “I’m sorry for your mother and sibling” Fiona said sadly “but you had a choice to make and you chose to follow your father’s example, I could have killed you when I raided your father’s estate, but I am not a slave to my past”  Fiona said holding Delilah as she stared at her killer with wide horrified eyes “ at very least I can give you peace” Fiona said as she gently lowered Delilah to her knees and pulling her blade loose “ sleep now weary one, go to the maker” Fiona said and then brought the blade down  slicing her rivals head off. 

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Fergus Cousland watched the enemy’s line begin to collapse the Chasind had stopped fighting after their chieftain had been killed, and burnt alive if the rumours were true. The remaining Qunari were being slowly wiped out as their small numbers were overwhelmed and the free marchers in the centre seemed to be the only group still fighting.

The beach at west hills was now covered in bodies and gore as the Ferelden armies advanced and closed the trap, the free marchers would have nowhere to run and not even the waking sea would save them. The lines of Ferelden troops would cut the enemy to pieces and Fergus did not expect to see many survivors, he watched as his men advanced and knew this battle was near finished.

  As the Ferelden army advanced Fergus realized that the centre of the free marches army had begun to move aside and put down weapons, someone was being allowed to pass through and Fergus did not know what to make of it. The sight of his sister her red hair flying in the wind as she carried a head in one hand explained much, Delilah Howe was dead and without her  the free marchers had no one to fight for and no one to pay them. Cheers rang out across the Ferelden lines as she approached, the battle was over. 

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The early afternoon brought no joy to the victors as they went about gathering up the dead and wounded who littered the beach. The free marchers had been gathered up their leaders executed and their weapons confiscated, they would be allowed to leave and only because Ferelden had no means of keeping so many prisoners and no desire to further stain the tarnished beach.

Fiona watched the scene with a tired look as the free marchers were forced onto their ships, they had come to usurp a nation and its wealth instead they would return home without arms or land. Delilah Howe’s body had already been quartered and would be sent across the land as an example to any other would be traitors.

Fiona did not see Alistair approach “well” he said “it’s over.... we won”   Fiona stared at her husband with saddened eyes “if this is victory I pray I never see another war” Fiona said “wars never end for wardens” Alistair replied ominously “but I don’t think we’ll be fighting other men again, at least not anytime soon” alistairs words calmed Fiona slightly “come” she said “I’ve had enough of this beach”  Fiona took Alistair’s hand and they left the charnel house beach. 

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Epilogue
Fiona and Alistair returned to denerim in triumph their enemies political and military crushed, they have ruled well for the five years since that day and continue to watch over the land with vigilance.
Fergus returned to Highever and remarried, having two children and rebuilding all that had been lost in the previous years.

Zevran continued to serve as Royal assassin and close friend to his old companions, even going as far as making a few inquisitive Orlesian “tourists” vanish without a trace.
Leliana composed a great ballad “the winter war” which was sung in taverns and halls across Ferelden for years to come.  

William returned to Highever to bury his brother and watch over Morgan’s widow Emer, for saving the queens life he was awarded the title of bann and an estate in the north. His family continued to serve the crown and his nephew eventually became Teryn of Gwaren.

Oghren Remained the nations steadfast general and fought to defend his adopted home tirelessly in the five years that followed, he also continued to lose at cards against William and eventually Morgan’s son   Patrick as well.   

The deposed queen Anora ceased to be a major threat after her second defeat at the hands of the warrior queen, over the coming years she became increasingly isolated and withered with many claiming her defiance and spirit had died along with her supporters.

Arl Eamon remained in denerim serving as chancellor and faithful servant to his nephew Alistair.
Wynne healed many wounded soldiers following the battle and her talents doubtless saved the lives of hundreds of men and women who would have otherwise perished.

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“And that is how your mother saved the kingdom...with a bit of help” Bann Carling said sitting back in his chair contentedly “but what about me, you never even mentioned my birth!” the young one eyed prince said curiously.

“Ah Bryce ever focusing on the details, you’d make a good spy assuming your mother would ever let me train you” Carling said with a chuckle “that wasn’t an answer Bann Carling!” the prince said imperiously “Aye perhaps not, but your tale is one for another night, now off to bed, judging from that clanking noise your mothers back”   Carling watched the young prince leave the room and then sat back with a mischievous grin as he saw the queen pass the room.

Modifié par westiex9, 16 février 2010 - 04:09 .