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[Dutchess]

All the dialogue between Zevran and Wynne was priceless.

 

Wynne: You must know that murder is wrong, I assume.

Zevran: I'm sorry... are you speaking to me?

Wynne: That is why you wish to leave your Crows. A crisis of conscience.

Zevran: Yes, that is exactly it.

Wynne: Joke if you wish, but I have the feeling that deep down you regret the life you have lived.

Zevran: It's true. I regret it all.

Wynne: Must you be such a child? Are you incapable of a single, serious conversation?

Zevran: I know. I am terrible and it makes me sad. May I rest my head in your bosom? I wish to cry.

Wynne: You can cry well away from my bosom, I'm certain.

Zevran: Did I tell you I was an orphan? I never knew my mother.

Wynne: Egad. I give up.

 

Indeed. That one has to be my absolute favorite.  I love the next one too:

 

Wynne: Have you changed your mind yet? Are you willing to speak seriously?

Zevran: Of your bosom? As you wish.

Wynne: (exasperated) No, I do not wish to speak of my bosom.

Zevran: But it is a marvelous bosom. I have seen women half your age who have not held up half so well. Perhaps it is a magical bosom?

Wynne: Stop... talking about my bosom.

Zevran: But I thought you wished to speak seriously?

Wynne: I do. I thought, however foolishly, that you might be willing to speak of your past.

Zevran: We could do that. There have been many bosoms in my past, though only few as fine as yours.

Wynne: Enough. I am ending this conversation.

 

Wynne and Alistair are also funny when the Warden is romancing Alistair.

 

Alistair: Why are you smiling like that? You look suspiciously like the cat who swallowed the pigeon.

Wynne: Canary.

Alistair: What?

Wynne: I look like the cat that swallowed the canary.

Alistair: I once had a very large cat, but that's not my point. My point is why are you smirking?

Wynne: (Chuckles) You were watching her. With great interest, I might add. In fact, I believe you were...enraptured.

Alistair: She's our leader. I look to her for guidance.

Wynne: Oh, I see. So what guidance did you find in those swaying hips hmm?

Alistair: No no no, I wasn't looking at...you know her...hind-quarters

Wynne: Certainly.

Alistair: I gazed...glanced, in that direction, maybe, but I wasn't staring...or really seeing anything even.

Wynne: Of course.

Alistair: I hate you. You're a bad person.

 

Fenris is also funnier than many people give him credit for.

 

Fenris: I thought all dwarves had beards. Where's yours?

Varric: I misplaced it, along with my sense of dwarven pride and my gold-plated noble caste pin.

Fenris: I thought maybe it fell onto your chest.

Varric: Oh-ho! The broody elf tells a joke!

Fenris: I don't brood.

Varric: Friend, if your brooding were any more impressive, women would swoon as you passed. They'd have broody babies in your honor.

Fenris: You're a very odd dwarf.

Varric: And you thought I was joking about the pin.

[Zu Long]

• Varric: So what do you do, Aveline?
• Aveline: You know I'm a guard, why are you asking?
• Varric: I mean in your off-duty hours. For fun. You've heard of it, I hope?
• Aveline: These are my off-duty hours.
• Varric: And the trend of you scaring the ****** out of me continues.

• Merrill: I've never met a dwarf before.
• Varric: That's because you spend too much time frolicking in the woods, Daisy. Dwarves don't frolic.
• Merrill: Dalish don't really frolic, either. Not in the woods anyway.
• Varric: You have sanctioned frolicking areas?
• Merrill: No, just not in the woods. The trees get jealous.
• Varric: But you do frolic?
• Merrill: Of course we do! We wouldn't be elves, otherwise.

• Varric: Daisy, for my sake, please quit cutting through the alleys in Lowtown alone at night.
• Merrill: Nothing ever happens. I'm perfectly safe, Varric.
• Varric: Yes, I know. And that nothing is costing me a fortune.

• Merrill: I would like to know more about being a guard, Aveline.
• Aveline: I don't think that's the job for you.
• Merrill: I know, but it might help me not get caught.
• Aveline: You probably shouldn't have said that part.
• Merrill: Why?
• Aveline: Just... never mind.

• Aveline: This mirror of yours — what does it do?
• Merrill: Mostly it stands in my house, looking a bit spooky.
• Aveline: But its magic, right? So it can do... Magic things? Is it dangerous?
• Merrill: It could fall on someone, but you'd have to push it really hard. It's quite heavy.
• Aveline: Merrill, is it a danger to the people of Kirkwall or not?
• Merrill: Oh! Only to anyone sitting right under it.

• Merrill: Do you have a parrot, Isabela?
• Isabela: What would I want a parrot for?
• Merrill: What about a peg leg? Do you have one of those?
• Isabela: You can see that I don't, dear.
• Merrill: Eye patch?
• Isabela: I'm disappointing you terribly, aren't I? And no hook for a hand, either.
• Merrill: Seems that Varric's pirate stories are awfully inaccurate.
• Isabela: He knows, Kitten. He likes them better that way.

• Merrill: Oh, caves! I like caves!
• Hawke: No, you don't, Merrill.
• Merrill: Oh, right! Giant creepy spiders and things live in caves! What is it I'm thinking of, then? Ruins?

• Merrill: This is very exciting, isn't it?
• Anders: What, crashing a fancy Orlesian party?
• Merrill: Usually, we'd just go on in hitting people! We've never done anything like this before!
• Anders: ... You might be on to something there.

• Merrill: I know you're in the Merchants Guild, Varric, but I've never seen your shop.
• Varric: We're not that kind of merchant, Daisy.
• Merrill: What kind are you, then?
• Varric: House Tethas invests in... you're not going to understand a word of this financial stuff, are you?
• Merrill: Not a word, no. But I promise to pay close attention anyway!
• Varric: Right. In that case, we have lots of shops. But they're invisible. Only dwarves and accountants can see them.

Varric- (About the three statues in the Dungeons) "And this array of sculptures is known as "Scurvy Bastards Reflecting on Modern Life." After much reflection, they appear to have come to the conclusion, "Well, ****.""

[smoke and mirrors]

      Isabela: Mmm. Apostate prostitutes? Apostitutes!

[AlaskaThe1st]

• Zevran: So, err...is it Lord Loghain?
• Loghain: I am no longer a teyrn, nor even a knight. Address me without a title, as you would any other Grey Warden.
• Zevran: So just Loghain, then.
• Loghain: Correct. What's on your mind?
• Zevran: You know who I am, yes? I was one of the Crows you hired to kill the Grey Wardens.
• Loghain: I thought you looked familiar.
• Zevran: Well, I just wanted to report that I failed my mission, Loghain.
• Loghain: You don't say.
• Zevran: I'm terribly broken up over it.
• Loghain: Hmm. Well thank you kindly for informing me.

[smoke and mirrors]

• Leliana: You are very beautiful Morrigan.
• Morrigan: Tell me something I do not know.
• Leliana: But you always dress in such rags. It suits you I suppose. A little tear here, a little rip there to show some skin. I understand.
• Morrigan: You understand I lived in a forest, I hope?
• Leliana: Maybe we could get you in a nice dress one day. Silk. No, maybe velvet. Velvet is heavier, better to guard against the cold in Ferelden. Dark red velvet, yes. With gold embroidery. It should be cut low in the front of course, we don't want to hide your features.
• Morrigan: Stop looking at my breasts like that. 'Tis most disturbing!
• Leliana: You don't think so? And if it's cut low in the front we must put your hair up to show off that lovely neck.
• Morrigan: You are insane. I would sooner let Alistair dress me.
• Leliana: It'll be fun, I promise! We'll get some shoes too! Ah, shoes! We could go shopping together!

───────

[RoraM]

This tickles me every time...

• Shale: It has become very close with the other Grey Warden
• Alistair: Uh...yes, I suppose I have at that.
• Shale: I find this difficult to comprehend. It is whiny and weak and constantly laughing.
• Alistair: Then I guess a romance between you and I is completely out of the question?
• Shale: And the attempts at humor. I cannot understand how it is endured.
• Alistair: Well maybe you should ask her why she likes me so much instead of bothering me with it.
• Shale: It has a loud mouth. Why its head has not been crushed already is hard to imagine.
• Alistair: Or maybe you just happen to figure she likes me a lot more than she likes you.
• Shale: Don't be foolish.
• Alistair: Yes, I thought so. Just watch your step or I'm totally telling.
• Shale: I'm going to stand over here now.

[Giga Drill BREAKER]

Wynne: I think I owe you an explanation for what happened earlier
Warden: Yes, you had me quite worried.
Wynne: blah blah blah
Warden: Uh. This case of death is taking a while to kick in then

I love that line always gives me a chuckle and this one too

Morrigan: I have something for you
Warden: Is it bigger than a bread box.

[Darth Krytie]

• Aveline: I had trouble with another one of your women, Isabela. She stole from a... distracted client. You're lucky she wasn't jailed.
• Isabela: My women? I am but a shepherd. And what free enterprise are you oppressing now?
• Aveline: Theft is not enterprise.
• Isabela: Opportunities insufficiently guarded. Victimless crimes.
• Aveline: Except for all the victims.
• Isabela: Details. Victimless details.

───────

• Aveline: How are you so successful with men? You're not that pretty.
• Isabela: Cast a wide enough net, and you're bound to catch something.
• Aveline: (Laughs) At least you're willing to admit it.
• Isabela: Trust me. I've heard, "Get away from me, you pirate hag!" more times than I care to count.
• Aveline: Doesn't that bother you?
• Isabela: Why should it? They don't know me. I know me.

───────

• Aveline: You're right.
• Isabela: About?
• Aveline: About knowing who you are.
• Aveline: I'm the captain of the guard. I'm loyal, strong, and I don't look too bad naked.
• Isabela: Exactly. And if I called you a mannish, awkward, ball-crushing do-gooder, you'd say...?
• Aveline: Shut up, ******.
• Isabela: That's my girl.

Basically every conversation between them.

[nightcobra]

Sten flirting back with Morrigan takes the cake.

 

Sten: Where is the cake?

         I was told there would be cake.

        The cake is a lie

[amggrunt]

Bethany: So you've....been with women, in bed?

Isabela: I Know. Shocking isn't it? You see sweetness men are only good for one thing. Women are good for six.

Bethany: Six! which six?

Hawke: Isabela! 

[JEMEDAOME2]

Alistair vs. Morrigan. 'Nuff said.

Yes because everybody knows swooping is bad

[naddaya]

I love snarky!hawke to bits.

 

Legacy:

• Hawke: We do attract a peculiar kind of fortune.
• Carver: I died my way into the Wardens and you punched your way to Champion. We are esteemed.
• Hawke: Go with your strengths I guess.

• Merrill: How come you never get lost?
• Hawke: I do. Sometimes.
• Merrill: I've never seen it! And everybody follows you, and you always seem to know where you're going.
• Hawke: Just act like you know where you're going, that's usually enough.
• Merrill: I try that sometimes! But there's no amount of confidence that makes up for walking into the Grand Cleric's airing cupboard.
• Hawke: What about that time I led us in circles around the Wounded Coast for 3 hours?
• Merrill: Oh! I thought you were just admiring the view! Eh, it was a lovely day at least.

 

MOTA:

• Carver: Why can't we ever meet any normal people?
• Tallis: I'm normal!
• Carver: You jumped off a roof and stabbed a man in the back.
• Tallis: In a completely normal fashion!

• Carver: Look at these guys. "Arr. Would yer like me to swab yer poop deck, matey?"

• Tallis: Champion of Kirkwall? Fancy title.
• Hawke: The "Only One in Kirkwall not Completely Insane" was considered.
• Tallis: So do you get a stipend? They let you rule the city?
• Hawke: They gave me a medal. It's shiny.

The rat-flavoured whisky bit and some idle lines like "where are are we going? how should I know? Do I look like the leader of this merry band of misfits?" were also good. Oh, and the one about Gamlen and Charade "She looks nothing like you! Thank the maker for small miracles hmm?".

 

Alright, there's too many. Most of Isabela and Varric's lines are pure gold too.

 

In DAO, some of my cocky warden's comments cracked me up:

 

"I get their share of the treasure!" (when a companion falls)

"It seems I managed to best them even while unconscious. I am that amazing." (after falling)

"Somebody tell them to stop hitting me!" (low health)

"Oh...YES!" and "Saving the daaay!" (after killing an enemy. so cheerful )

"No, no. Let's not, and say we did."

[DontWakeTheBear]

I was reading over some of the DAO conversations and came across this gem:

Wynne: Why do you occasionally refer to Alistair as a "little pike-twirler?"

Oghren: Why? Has the little pike-twirler taken offence?

Wynne: It's just a curious description.

Oghren: Curious? (Snorts) Bah, it's entirely true. What, you haven't seen him twirling his pike? Goes at it when he thinks no one's watching. Knocks about in the trees like there's no tomorrow. Caught him just the other day. Blushed all the way down to his navel, then couldn't find his shirt. I swear he's going to hurt himself one of these days, the way he works that thing.

Wynne: I don't want to hear this anymore, do I?

Oghren: I keep telling him, pikes are for sticking things at long range, aye? Horses and such. Not for twirling like a sissy-girl.

Wynne: Wait, you're talking about an actual pike? Like a spear?

Oghren: Obviously. What else would I be talking about?

Wynne: I can't imagine.

[Naesaki]

You guys might really appreciate these banter videos, I think they were made by the one who uploaded them but I'm not sure

 

Spoiler

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=WJoRlRyozgA

[Cainhurst Crow]

This.

[thats1evildude]

Merrill: You remind me of Hahren Paivel, Varric. Only younger. And shorter. And not as serious.

Varric: So it's a close resemblance, then.

Merrill: Well, he tells stories and you tell stories. Although none of his begin, "No s**t, there I was ..."

Varric: I'll have to give him some better stories, then.

[KeraWildmane]

So much of Sten's dialog. The smell of Ferelden, the wonder of cookies, his comment about releasing Chantry wisdom into the wild to save it from extinction.

[ames4u]

I loved Oghren's response with father Kolgrim~

 

[Grieving Natashina]

This is one of my favorites, due to the horrid puns and the Monty Python reference:

 

(After completing The Long Road)

 

Isabela: So, how good is Donnic? Is he cocksure?

Aveline: (Sighs) Just... get it out of your system.

Isabela: Did he curl your toes?

(Isabela will say four of the following at random:)

 

Isabela: Dwarf your beard?

Isabela: Arl your Eamon?

Isabela: Shank your Jory?

Isabela: Praise your Maker?

Isabela: Grope your grinder?

Isabela: Establish his canon?

Isabela: Kaddis your Katie?

Isabela: Dampen your Divine?

Isabela: Pamper your Paragon?

Isabela: Grey your Warden?

Isabela: Pudding your peach?

Isabela: Float your frigate?

Isabela: Explore your Deep Roads?

(The fifth will always be one of the following)

 

Isabela: How about "satisfy a demand of your Qun."

Isabela: Or did he Cup your Joining?

Isabela: Or master your taint? That's an old one.

Aveline: Yes, all right? He is an incredibly proficient lover. Happy?

Isabela: Well that's rather personal, don't you think?

[BabyFratelli]

This one from Legacy always makes me laugh and blush, but then, pretty much anything suggestive makes me blush.

 

 

Isabella: You certainly fill out a skirt, Carver. A shame. I suppose you're all religious and such now.

Carver: Do you have any idea how long the Chant of Light is? The stamina it requires...

Isabella: Go on.

Carver: With passion'd breath comes darkness, but with many against Her she finds His light untiring as it parts the Veil.

Isabella: Not sure if I'm aroused or scared. I like it.

Sebastian: Don't do that to the chant!

Isabella: Shush, you. 

[Grieving Natashina]

This one from Legacy always makes me laugh and blush, but then, pretty much anything suggestive makes me blush.

 

 

Isabella: You certainly fill out a skirt, Carver. A shame. I suppose you're all religious and such now.

Carver: Do you have any idea how long the Chant of Light is? The stamina it requires...

Isabella: Go on.

Carver: With passion'd breath comes darkness, but with many against Her she finds His light untiring as it parts the Veil.

Isabella: Not sure if I'm aroused or scared. I like it.

Sebastian: Don't do that to the chant!

Isabella: Shush, you. 

Bela has some of the best lines in the series, imho.  

[Warden661]

Aveline: Maybe I should put you to use Varric. Have you pen some warnings for the lawless.

Varric: Who's that for? Are most criminals big readers? Seems like pacifying the nobles.

Aveline: Pictures then. It was just a suggestion

Varric: Well how about a giant sign that just says "Don't." You could hit people with it.

Aveline: Thank you, I get the point.

 

ALSO

 

Aveline: You, Varric, have a very large mouth.

Varric: And here I've always looked up to you. What is it now?

Aveline: There were fistfights in the barracks over who is the model for your guard serial.

Varric: Hard in Hightown. Riveting stuff. Everyone loves a dirty guard on the edge.

Aveline: Varric.

Varric: Fine. I'll start his big finish. Three chapters until Donnen Brennicovick retires and opens a tavern on the coast.

Varric: I sure hope he makes it. He's getting too old for this ****.

[Zombie_Alexis]

When you take Varric with you to the Gallows: " I think that statue over there is a statement on modern life. Possibly the statement is, "Well, ****." 

[efd731]

Am I the only one that would love to see Varric's novels actually published? So many stories to choose from(each book ships containing one magnificent chest hair)

[Grieving Natashina]

When you take Varric with you to the Gallows: " I think that statue over there is a statement on modern life. Possibly the statement is, "Well, ****." 

That was one I always loved too.  My husband heard it one time when I was playing DA2 and got a good chuckle out of it.