Just as there are different types of spirit/demon so there are also different types of possession.
With an abomination the demon has forcibly taken over the mind/body of the victim, hence the twisted appearance, presumably because of the conflict of minds that occurred at the time of possession. If they are un-possessed, as with Pharamond, their body returns to normal but their mind is weakened, so potentially making them more at risk of possession in the future. This is what Marethari maintained and would appear to be the case on the evidence of Pharamond, although since he had also had the trauma of being healed of tranquillity as well, it is difficult to be adamant on this.
With Anders/Justice, Connor/desire demon and Imshael/Mihris the spirit/demon has had the agreement of the mortal to possess them. They therefore look quite normal and so long as the spirit doesn't show itself, no one is any the wiser. If they become unpossessed, they appear to return to normal in mind with no ill effects. May be in the case of Mihris this is because the demon left voluntarily. With Connor it can be because you either killed the demon in the Fade or because it left voluntarily. However, in both these cases the demon had not been in possession for very long.
With Anders/Justice they had been merged for several years so it is doubtful if they could be separated without the death of the host. I think Anders realised this and this is why he was half telling the truth when he said that helping him build his bomb would free him from Justice, because he assumed he would either be killed in the explosion or put to death for it.
Cole seems more akin to the relationship between Justice and Kristov in Awakening. Apparently Cole died but the spirit possessed his corpse. Alternaively, if you believe that erasing evidence by the Templars included destroying the body, then it would be a spirit living independently of a host but so tied to the mortal realm that it is able to maintain its existence and even appear solid. Imshael appeared to be able to do this both before and after possessing Mihris and also to make people invisible (and presumably himself if he wished to). Since he was an old powerful spirit (he objected to the term demon), it is likely that whatever spirit is connected wih Cole is also old and powerful.
Whatever the case, it is clear that the Circle mages knowledge of and definition of various spirits/demons is very limited. I have to admit that Merrill was right in that much and in her assertion that all spirits are dangerous. It may be that when we meet Solas, apparently an expert on the Fade, and even the other guy, if he is a Tevinter magister, then we will learn far more. Clearly the Chantry policy of restricting magical research by having the threat of death by Templar or Tranquility hanging over you has severely limited Circle mages' learning and ability to understand the nature of the spirits of the Fade. I forget who said it, but someone did say that you need to study your enemy in order to defeat them and with demons raining from the skies, clearly the Inquisition is going to have to redress that lack of knowledge very quickly. Personally I'm looking forward to it as I love finding out new lore.
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