76 réponses à ce sujet

[hanar05]

I think we need this thread back.

[hanar05]

i am at a point in my life where i do have to use last resort things.  unfortunately, i've been way too close to suicide on a number of occasions and anxiety medications have helped with that.  i also like to use nature as therapy; being outside helps a lot.  grass and trees and flowers and rocks make me feel comfortable.  i go hiking a lot and feel so happy and at peace when i do.
 
i think add keeps me away from meditation and breathing exercises.  i have no motivation to even try it anymore, bc the times i did try it i got frustrated and bored and couldn't focus for ****.
 
thank you hana!  i'm glad to know someone else understands and is going through similar stuff and i like your approach to managing it all and really appreciate you and the fact that you shared this with me in such an open space.

No problem! I'm super open about my health because I don't see why I should be ashamed by it. The least I can do is help others with knowledge I've gathered through my own experiences.

I was at that 'last resort' point last year when I developed a chronic condition that basically doubled my anxiety and depression. It's called chronic fatigue syndrome, I'm not sure if you've heard of it but the name is super misleading. It messed me up so bad I was basically fluctuating between extreme depression and anxiety at all times, there was no middle point. I would get panic attacks over the smallest things. I remember crying whenever I did something dumb like drop food.

My doctor ended up putting me on a rather high anti-depressant dose that ended up making my anxiety so bad, I couldn't sleep. I was constantly on the verge of panic attack. Turns out the depression was offsetting it. So she prescribed me sedatives and I've been on them ever since. I have Lorazepam in case of panic attack (fast-acting) and Clonazepam to help me sleep, relax my muscles and keep me chill. They have a long half-life so I'm constantly sedated, it's dulled my emotional responses a lot. I hate having to rely on them though and chances are it's gonna be a huge pain in the ass trying to wean myself off them.

I also found spending time outdoors incredibly helpful. Not just the sun giving you that boost of vitamin D, but I find the sights and sounds of nature calming, much better than the hustle and bustle of cities. You can just take your time and breathe easy in that kind of environment. Also exercise is super helpful in many ways!

[Pups_of_war_76]

Lyss, do you have any particular anxiety triggers that revolve around dealing with new people and shared living situations?

 

There are semi-professional service programs for people your age that I could recommend, and that you might enjoy looking into, but some of them could be high-stress if those things are issues.

[Pups_of_war_76]

 

breathing exercises frustrated me  a LOT at first but it gets easier with training actually. but i still can't lie around doing nothing for even three minutes? it's really hard not to think of all the poop

the only thing really calming me down is jogging or something closer to power yoga maybe cause it feels super good like punching yourself in the face 

but on the other hand last time i had long streak of depressed moods i really overdid it and pulled a neck muscle or something so now i'm typing it in a weird bird pose cause i can't look straight at the monitor 

 

have you ever martial arts

[iqueefkief]

Lyss, do you have any particular anxiety triggers that revolve around dealing with new people and shared living situations?

 

There are semi-professional service programs for people your age that I could recommend, and that you might enjoy looking into, but some of them could be high-stress if those things are issues.

that actually sounds like it could be quite helpful.  i won't deny that situations such as those do make me anxious, but i've got generalized anxiety disorder, which means i'm generally always anxious anyhow.  i don't have anything to be anxious over; i just am.  my therapist says that it's because, due to childhood experiences, i don't know what it's like to not be under high stress conditions, so i have the tendency to create them for myself because i don't know how to do things differently and somehow it's a coping thing.

 

what kind of programs did you have in mind?  i feel really detached and disconnected from everything here except for my job, so a program could really help until i figure out where/how i'm going to move away from here.  i pretty much have decided that school is not the right thing for me or my health at the moment, so i'm focusing on developing personal fitness skills and there simply aren't opportunities for that in springfield.

[iqueefkief]

No problem! I'm super open about my health because I don't see why I should be ashamed by it. The least I can do is help others with knowledge I've gathered through my own experiences.

I was at that 'last resort' point last year when I developed a chronic condition that basically doubled my anxiety and depression. It's called chronic fatigue syndrome, I'm not sure if you've heard of it but the name is super misleading. It messed me up so bad I was basically fluctuating between extreme depression and anxiety at all times, there was no middle point. I would get panic attacks over the smallest things. I remember crying whenever I did something dumb like drop food.

My doctor ended up putting me on a rather high anti-depressant dose that ended up making my anxiety so bad, I couldn't sleep. I was constantly on the verge of panic attack. Turns out the depression was offsetting it. So she prescribed me sedatives and I've been on them ever since. I have Lorazepam in case of panic attack (fast-acting) and Clonazepam to help me sleep, relax my muscles and keep me chill. They have a long half-life so I'm constantly sedated, it's dulled my emotional responses a lot. I hate having to rely on them though and chances are it's gonna be a huge pain in the ass trying to wean myself off them.

I also found spending time outdoors incredibly helpful. Not just the sun giving you that boost of vitamin D, but I find the sights and sounds of nature calming, much better than the hustle and bustle of cities. You can just take your time and breathe easy in that kind of environment. Also exercise is super helpful in many ways!

i have actually heard of chronic fatigue syndrome.  it is absolutely horrendous and i was terrified at one point that i had it, but it was actually just side effects from a few of  the medications i'd been on at the time.  i'm so sorry that this is something you've developed, but it sounds like you've developed some pretty a+ coping strategies.  is it something that might go away with time, or is it a more permanent condition like adhd?

 

clonazepam is incredible and i love it but even the smallest dose of it gets me high as ****, so i opted to stick it out with xanax instead.  i know that xanax isn't available in a lot of other countries, though.  but i know what you mean about feeling sedated and disconnected from your emotions -- many of the antidepressants i've tried have had that affect on me and it's deeply unsettled when the time comes to ween off.  i've frequently had disorienting periods of time afterward where i'm not sure who i am, or where i went; i just felt like i completely disappeared the year i was on lexapro and i'm still very deeply disturbed by how much of myself i lost while i was on it.  i do know, however, that the drug did get me over some pretty extreme social anxiety and that it helped me become more accepting of myself as a person and gave me more confidence, so it wasn't a completely negative experience it and i don't regret it.  it was just very confusing for me.

 

i'm just not going to worry about my dependency on certain drugs to get through life.  i can either suffer and be extremely hindered, or use a drug to help me push through.  those are my two options, unfortunately, but i definitely prefer the latter to the former.  

 

idk i know you, tara, ronaldo, april and mariah know a lot about my particular circumstances, but i'll probably open up a lot more about it here soon just so that i can feel comfortable referencing certain things.  it's been a year and a half since i stopped repressing childhood memories and i can definitely say that i still haven't had enough time to process all of this.  i haven't been to therapy in months and should probably go as soon as i get back from my trip to chicago, but actually make a list about the things i wish to discuss so that it doesn't spiral out of control and lead to me avoiding real issues by talking about my favorite person in my life right now because i get  a lot of joy when i talk about them.

 

heavy sighing all around!!

[iqueefkief]

and speaking of martial arts, since i'm not taking any uni classes, as soon as i move to a bigger city i think i'm gonna start going to a reputable place to learn how to be a crazy badass.  awesome, and a career booster.  i think i'd love it.  the guy ive been seeing for the past year and a half used to do martial arts for a few years and it was one of the greatest experiences of his life.  

[iqueefkief]

i'll just go ahead and drop the bomb now because i love you guys 

 

 

anyway, the tx stuff has been resolved.  i decided to do what was best for my mental health and not go.  i'm terrified of having another mental breakdown and just kept feeling like it was a trip i might not recover from this time around.  i had a lot of time off from work, though, so i'm leaving for chicago to visit my best friend since 8th grade instead.  i feel so good for making that decision -- i'm finally breaking free of their abuse and guilt and i'm doing what's right for ME.

[Pups_of_war_76]

that actually sounds like it could be quite helpful.  i won't deny that situations such as those do make me anxious, but i've got generalized anxiety disorder, which means i'm generally always anxious anyhow.  i don't have anything to be anxious over; i just am.  my therapist says that it's because, due to childhood experiences, i don't know what it's like to not be under high stress conditions, so i have the tendency to create them for myself because i don't know how to do things differently and somehow it's a coping thing.

 

 

The ones I'm thinking of are options for people who really want to get out of their current situation and do something for personal growth, later opportunities, so they're kind of drastic.

 

have you ever considered AmeriCorps? 

 

There are other programs/organizations, but a lot of them have an AmeriCorps tie in that can get you some extra educational benefits for later in life.

 

Specifically I'm thinking of NCCC and ConserviCorps, which are two different americorps programs where you pull up stakes and go do stuff for a year. In NCCC you bus around the country doing public works projects and disaster relief, while in ConserviCorps you often live in tents or cabins at a national park and work on conservation, resource management, environmental clean-up, etc.

 

These are "**** it, I'm gonna get away from it all and backpack around Europe for a year" options for people who would rather do something useful during their time away from expected school/employment tracks and/or can't afford to live abroad. But without being as drastic as "**** it, I'm gonna join the French Foreign Legion". 

 

I know a dude who once did Conseration Corps and recommends it highly. 

He knows another woman who was NCCC, then parlayed that into Peace Corps, then got a good  job in foreign service in dominican republic. Though that's a highly optimal outcome. 

 

Downsides are that it's rough living and you're stuck with coworkers p much all the time. And ~out of the loop~ for months at a time, as there is often not internet or phone service in the places you stay, which can be good or bad.

 

Just throwing it out there as a "well, what are things that alienated college-age people can do?" thought.

[iqueefkief]

conservicorps sounds really awesome and sounds like something i'd love to jump into if certain things don't pan out

[Masha Potato]

i've never done martial arts cause i'm really not into group activities i guess?

and also in russia it's always like yo here's a thing for boys and it always pissed me off so much i didn't want to get involved

it's better in cyprus but also am low on moneys because of all the moving expenses and crap

[hanar05]

i have actually heard of chronic fatigue syndrome.  it is absolutely horrendous and i was terrified at one point that i had it, but it was actually just side effects from a few of  the medications i'd been on at the time.  i'm so sorry that this is something you've developed, but it sounds like you've developed some pretty a+ coping strategies.  is it something that might go away with time, or is it a more permanent condition like adhd?

It is absolutely horrendous, I'm not even gonna pretend like it's nothing. It has forced me to reconsider all my life goals. It took almost a year for them to diagnose me and at that point, I was almost bedridden. No one knows what causes it but at the time I got sick, I had been told I had a tumour and was undergoing procedures to identify whether it was cancerous, so I think the stress of that had a big influence on my health (after 2 months it was thankfully confirmed as benign.)

Suddenly I was feeling faint all the time. Passed out behind the wheel once, that was terrifying. Then came the pain, crippling. Nausea, I was up in the middle of the night vomiting. Had to cut back my diet to raw, unprocessed foods, so I was on a vegan, gluten free, low fat, low sugar diet because my body couldn't handle anything else. Lost 1/5th of my bodyweight (I was already underweight.) When I got to the point of not being able to hold anything down, I ended up in hospital. So after MRIs, ultrasounds, gastroscopies, colonoscopies and numerous blood tests all coming back normal, it came down to Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (or ME (lol ME ruined my life!)) Unfortunately, chronic fatigue syndrome (another name for ME) shows up on no tests so it's one big process of elimination. NGL all those normal results made me seriously question my sanity. The question "Is it all in my head?" was constantly on my mind.

So the diagnosis is both a relief and hard to deal with. Only 7% ever recover. 20% end up completely bedridden. 93% have it for the rest of their lives. It's looking very likely that I may never be able to be employed full time. It stresses me out and stress makes the condition worse. Exercise, funnily enough, also makes me worse (wish I had known that a year ago... haha.) So just gotta do very light stuff to keep my muscles going. I've been told even yoga will be too strenuous for me. But I'm young and determined to fight this (which ironically takes a lot of chilling out and not doing things) so I reckon I could recover from it after a while... possibly 10 years. The not doing anything is driving me nuts though, can hardly even draw.

[hanar05]

clonazepam is incredible and i love it but even the smallest dose of it gets me high as ****, so i opted to stick it out with xanax instead.  i know that xanax isn't available in a lot of other countries, though.  but i know what you mean about feeling sedated and disconnected from your emotions -- many of the antidepressants i've tried have had that affect on me and it's deeply unsettled when the time comes to ween off.  i've frequently had disorienting periods of time afterward where i'm not sure who i am, or where i went; i just felt like i completely disappeared the year i was on lexapro and i'm still very deeply disturbed by how much of myself i lost while i was on it.  i do know, however, that the drug did get me over some pretty extreme social anxiety and that it helped me become more accepting of myself as a person and gave me more confidence, so it wasn't a completely negative experience it and i don't regret it.  it was just very confusing for me.
 
i'm just not going to worry about my dependency on certain drugs to get through life.  i can either suffer and be extremely hindered, or use a drug to help me push through.  those are my two options, unfortunately, but i definitely prefer the latter to the former.  

Yeah, I just don't want to feel like an emotionless zombie the rest of my life. But sleep depravation and constant anxiety aren't really an option because I wouldn't be able to function... :/

CFS affects my short term memory so I'm constantly confused about where I am and why. Makes me feel absolutely incapable, really. I forget to do the most basic tasks, for instance EATING. Have heaps of reminders on my tab so at least I remember medication and appointments. Long term, fortunately, unaffected! Which means I still have good memories of you guys, just not many memories of the last year.

[hanar05]

idk i know you, tara, ronaldo, april and mariah know a lot about my particular circumstances, but i'll probably open up a lot more about it here soon just so that i can feel comfortable referencing certain things.  it's been a year and a half since i stopped repressing childhood memories and i can definitely say that i still haven't had enough time to process all of this.  i haven't been to therapy in months and should probably go as soon as i get back from my trip to chicago, but actually make a list about the things i wish to discuss so that it doesn't spiral out of control and lead to me avoiding real issues by talking about my favorite person in my life right now because i get  a lot of joy when i talk about them.
 
heavy sighing all around!!

I'm actually going to get a complete mental health assessment next week! (courtesy of the NZ government.) I don't know what it's like in the USA but if you are physically or mentally hurt in a workplace or by a citizen, the government pays your medical fees.

They're going to assess the possibility that past mistreatment (by family and employers) has lead to my illness. If it seems very likely then... I guess they're gonna start paying out (which seems odd like, you got hurt in our country, here, have some money, but I ain't turning it down because I need something that can take the place of wages. Still have to buy food.)

I've been regularly seeing a psychologist (also courtesy of the government) and he has helped me heaps! Just understanding why I think certain ways, toning down my selfless nature that got me into this mess. He thinks I have PTSD, depression, generalised and social anxiety, codependancy and slight autism (I found that surprising.) But what I found most helpful is he just kinda eases into sessions so I feel relaxed. Whenever he's asked about anything traumatic, it's always after I've relaxed a bit and he never presses for information. He just lets me pace it, which is so much better than my last therapist who frikken hypnotised me into my mind where I was subjected to nightmarish visions and couldn't escape or tell her to stop...

So definitely get back into therapy! I only just decided to confront my trauma last year too and the progress I've made is amazing! My only method of coping before that was shutting it out. And you all are such supportive friends ♥
Lists are a great idea! I make lists for both my psychology sessions and my doctors appointments.

[iqueefkief]

oh man, i'm so glad you found a good match up for your psychological stuff.  it's also really fortunate nz is helping you through all of this.  if only the u.s. were so just.  i'm pretty in debt to burrell behavioral health and cox, but i don't guess it matters.  i'm so glad you're gonna have some support to help you in coping and getting through this.  i'd guess the recovery statistics are skewed by people who've been continually forced into high stress, exhausting situations in order to make it or who weren't able to have much access to assistance. 

 

man, all of that is so brutal.  it's so ridiculous the things we've gone through and are continuing to push through, but i'm so happy we're still here and that we're both nurturing ourselves.

 

lots of yoga is very hard, but if it's something you enjoy, i bet you could find some stretching poses that aren't too fatiguing.  maybe there's a list of light yoga, or yoga for people with disabilities?  

 

i'm typically very tired all of the time, but i'm hoping once i'm on stimulants i'll have some help with that and will be able to focus more and perform my job better and still have the energy for other things.

[iqueefkief]

welp, i'm off to chicago!!  i am very terrified of being pulled over by police along the way, but that's mostly irrational and the result of my car being searched by drug dogs last summer while being detained, so i will take deep breaths and be ok!  took a xanax, drank lots of water, nourished my body, checked everything off my list -- i should be okay!

 

i may not be able to check in with you guys until sunday, so until then -- i'll miss youuuu!!  i should have facebook access and raddy and i text every day so you guys will know when i make it safe.

[Masha Potato]

i finally read the big posts cause a slowpoke and omg guys you are heroes 

[Masha Potato]

lyss

[Masha Potato]

lyss this is just so fucked and ugh idk what to say

i'm just really glad you didn't go to that wedding

keeping to family ties no matter what is such an abusive notion and you shouldn't really feel you owe something to people who hurt you just 'cause they're somewhat related? hmphhh

[Masha Potato]

anyway hugs and kisses and pats on the butts

[hanar05]

I'm no hero. The people who listen to me complain all day and still somehow like me are heroes in my book. They're the ones who keep me going.

lots of yoga is very hard, but if it's something you enjoy, i bet you could find some stretching poses that aren't too fatiguing.  maybe there's a list of light yoga, or yoga for people with disabilities?

Yeah, I actually started sessions with a ME support group (feels a bit like AA, lol) and they do exercise classes every 2 weeks. It's apparently like a very light form of yoga and is set up in the rehabilitation centre. Unfortunately, having ME means you don't know how you will be feeling one hour from now so a lot of people don't show up for the classes simply because they're not well enough or are unsure they will be well enough to make it home afterwards. I've been wanting to go to the last 2 classes, even bought a yoga mat, but the first time I was too fatigued to even drive there (40 minutes away...) and this week, I've had the flu

Flu + being in contact with a whole bunch of people with compromised immune systems = possible disaster.

[Radahldo]

lyss having fun in chicago

[Masha Potato]

Yay

[iqueefkief]

my psychiatrist is a literal piece of poop

 

she's always been extremely condescending toward me about my decision to discontinue using antidepressants, but today she kind of took it to a new level for me.  i've had this appointment planned since the last one i went to a couple months ago, and she was the one who suggested that i make it -- because she strongly felt that i had ADHD and because i'd still not had my appointment for diagnostic testing at the kingsley center, she sent me out with a couple month's supply of strattera sample packs and told me that the next appointment she'd look over my test results and go over my treatment options then.

 

so this morning was my appointment.  she was the one who picked this date and time.  when she called me into her office, before i even sat down, she said to me, "i didn't expect to see you back here anytime soon.  i thought you'd decided to go off of your medications and call it quits with treatment."

 

1) if that were the case, why are you acting like an ******* about it if i came back to you seeking antidepressants WHEN THAT'S WHAT YOU KEEP TRYING TO FORCE ME TO DO IN THE FIRST PLACE and,

2) why the **** WOULDN'T YOU REMEMBER THE **** YOU DISCUSS WITH YOUR OWN CLIENTS YOU UNPROFESSIONAL WRECK OF A HUMAN BEING

 

so i just said, "no...did you not get my ADHD diagnosis?  i authorized you to read the report at the kingsley center and they should have sent you the results before i even had them."

 

so she looks in my file on her computer and the results aren't there, goes out and tries to find a hard copy and there is none

 

APPARENTLY MY MENTAL HEALTH DOES NOT MATTER TO THIS PERSON I AM THROWING MY MONEY AT

 

does not even apologize for not having this, even though months have gone by and it was her responsibility to keep up with my case

 

then says to me

 

"so have you considered taking prozac?"

 

no, no SSRIs, i am not interested

 

"what are your issues with SSRIs?"

 

we've gone over this.  weight gain, sexual side effects, complete loss of personality, numbness, lethargy, no motivation --

 

"oh, sexual side effects?  have you heard of viibryd?"

 

yes, you put me on viibryd 3 months ago and it was terrible and my insurance refused to pay for it.  we talked about that already.

 

"well, i don't like to see you suicidal over a wedding."

 

yeah, you're oversimplifying things.  i was afraid i'd be suicidal after having to see my mom and sister again and chose not to go.  it wasn't over a wedding.

 

"hm.  well, i'm trying to figure out what does of adderall to give you."

 

YOU'RE GOING TO GIVE ME A SCHEDULE 1 DRUG EVEN THOUGH YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE MY REPORT FILED?

 

UGH

 

I HATE THIS PLACE

 

I HATE SPRINGFIELD

 

she gave me a 2 month's supply and i have to go back again august 7 to get more and see if the dose was okay.  i bet she is going to shove antidepressants on me again and forget why i'm ****** there.

[iqueefkief]

mash hana raddy ilu guys sm