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[Dale]

ME1 has its humor and ME3 is outrageously funny (in places) – but please limit this only to ME2.  

Humor only – not profound galaxy-splitting lines.

 

   

 

Shep – they’re shooting at us!   What kind of guns does this thing have?

Liara – this is a taxi cab with a fare meter.

 

Explosion blows out 3 floors of the trade center. Dead & injured people everywhere.

Shep, Vasir, Miranda, & Thane knocked to the ground...

Miranda -- this could be a problem

(no S**T!?)

 

This is Commander Shepherd and this is my favorite store on the Citadel (3 different stores).

 

EMAIL: Commander Shepherd, please deposit 20,000 credits into this account and I will promise to split the mystery shipment with you. (I still get these, one about every other day)

 

This video game is played by over 11 billion players.

 

Remember to shoot her in the head since she has no heart.

 

Garrus - they didn't give me a mirror, am I that bad?

Shep - hell Garrus, you were always ugly...just slap on a little paint there and nobody will know the difference

 

Shep (renegade) -- you Asari need to stick with what you’re naturally good at -- dancing!

 

Mordin -- other species are attracted to me

Shep - you gotta be jerkin' me around, aren’t you?

 

Mech robot (going down) -- no more happy days

 

Shep to Jack -- you're crazy Jack -- which includes all of us on this suicide mission

 

Garrus --Do you ever miss those talks we had on the elevators?

Tali -- No.

Garrus -- Come on. Remember how we'd always ask you about life on the flotilla? It was an opportunity to share!

Tali -- This conversation is over.

Garrus -- Tell me again about your immune system.

Tali -- I have a shotgun.

Garrus -- Mmm maybe we'll talk later.

 

Shadow Broker DLC:

Tela Vasir (during police investigation) -- I'll give them a gold star for finding the bullet holes (in the big glass window).

 

Shep-to-Liara (during shootout) – remember back in the old days we’d just slap omnijel on everything?

 

Joker -It'll be better than the old days... You'll see!

Shepard - I hope so... I died!

Joker - you're such a downer!

 

Prison Ward - Relinquish your weapons!

Shep - Sure; I'll relinquish one bullet. Where do you want me to put it?

 

Jacob-to-Tali: Don't forget to to introduce yourself to EDI -- that's our ships artificial intelligence

Tali -- (silence) with a real go to hell look (for obvious reasons)

 

Anything the monotone elecore say is a hoot. If I remember, there is a commercial kiosk advertising the elcor's reading of Hamlet.

 

Taking Legion to the citadel embasies for a first chat with the admiral & Udina.

 

Shep:  I think Grunt’s answer is coming to you at muzzle velocity

 

Joker - You just want to see me crawling through the ducts again

ED - I enjoy the view of humans on their knees

*

EDI --That was a joke

[geth47]

The two asari on illium talking about drug addicts and selling drugs in the terminus systems was hilarious.

 

All the scenes involving Conrad Verner are also histerically funny.

 

The "I am a biotic god" segment.

 

The quarian admiral and tali explaining about his name.

 

The squad-mate´s reactions after you meet Rana.

 

The Batarian from Omega in the newscast congratulating the people behind the attack on the human colony. 

 

Tali´s recruitment mission, when there´s the boss reveal of the Geth Colossus and he shoots at you. Garrus: "Definitely like old times."

 

After defeating Grunt´s loyalty mission, Edi informs that Krogans are making several breeding requests with Grunt, and there´s also one request for Shepard.

 

All of mordin´s phrases when he has nothing new to say in the lab. 

 

The 2 krogans arguing about fish on the presidium. No matter how you decide to end the sidequest, their talk is funny. 

 

The volus on illium trying to purchase top of the line upgrades.

 

In the normandy "neck" section, the 2 men talking about shaira. 

 

Just about everything involving Ken and Gabby. 

[themikefest]

Pushing the merc out the window and having Shepard say 'how about goodbye'

[Remix-General Aetius]

Every time I come across these datapads, I laugh my candy bum off. The exchanges start off reasonably professional......and then the Vorcha bashing begins. A picture is worth 1000 words, so here's to ya:

 

[Kurt M.]

 

"Why did you do it?" -For the defense and preservation...of humanity".

 

[Kurt M.]

 

When the Collectors took over the Normandy, a very clueless Miranda was feeling "touchy-feely"....

[Supremocognito]

 

"Why did you do it?" -For the defense and preservation...of humanity".

 

 

 

 

When the Collectors took over the Normandy, a very clueless Miranda was feeling "touchy-feely"....

 

LOL these are too funny. I like the ME2 Praetorian romance. A Banshee or Geth Prime romance would be funny too.

[Dale]

Garrus & Shep are discussing how Turians let off steam.   Garrus said they have a supervised hand-to-hand fight.   He recounts how he and a recon team mate didn't get along too well so they fought it out.

 

GARUS:

"Actually, she and I were the two best hand to hand combatants on the ship. I had reach, she had flexibility. It was brutal. After 9 rounds, the judges declared it a draw. A lot of unhappy bettors in the other room. We, uh, ended up having a tiebreaker in her quarters. I had reach, she had flexibility. More than one way to work off stress, I guess.."

 

SHEP (ear-to-ear grin).

[DaneWolf]

Garrus asking Tali if she misses the conversations in the elevator from ME1. Cracked me up.

[Nuclear]

Lair of The Shadow Broker is a brilliant place to look for funny content.

 

The taxi scene is an obvious favourite:

 

 

When they enter Azure and Liara and Shepard talk about an asari's 'azure':

 

[Nuclear]

And the fight when you're breaking into the Shadow Broker's ship:

 

 

[CptFalconPunch]

Dirty Harry.... in Space!

 

 

 

 

The council thought, Blasto, the first hanar spectre.... would play by the rules.

 

 

"This one has forgotten whether his heat sink is over capacity. It wonders whether the criminal scum considers itself fortunate"

[themikefest]

Zaeed killing Vito and saying fry you SOB

 

When choosing Jack as fireteam leader, Miranda says You've got to be kidding

 

Making the batarian drink his own poison with Shepard saying drink it or I blind you 1 eye at a time

[blaidfiste]

The Techno Turian

 

[Dale]

You notice that if you stand in place for awhile, everyone starts to do arm, neck, & shoulder exercises to loosen up the muscles.  It is especially funny to see Legion doing them.

 

BTY-in Kasumi's loyalty mission (at the party to the left) is a guy sitting with two asari on both sides of him.   They are the only GREEN asari I've ever seen.   Anybody knows what the significance of a GREEN asari is?

 

After the Shadow Broker is taken down, enter the "data room" (Liara at far end) and to your LEFT is a terminal marked DOSSIERS.   There you can find about 30-60 minutes of humorous reading -- especially about Miranda's dating service and all kinds of other personal gossip of the team.  You're sure to get some laughs. 

[Supremocognito]

You notice that if you stand in place for awhile, everyone starts to do arm, neck, & shoulder exercises to loosen up the muscles.  It is especially funny to see Legion doing them.
 
BTY-in Kasumi's loyalty mission (at the party to the left) is a guy sitting with two asari on both sides of him.   They are the only GREEN asari I've ever seen.   Anybody knows what the significance of a GREEN asari is?
 
After the Shadow Broker is taken down, enter the "data room" (Liara at far end) and to your LEFT is a terminal marked DOSSIERS.   There you can find about 30-60 minutes of humorous reading -- especially about Miranda's dating service and all kinds of other personal gossip of the team.  You're sure to get some laughs. 

 
Shiala is truly green, those Asari, in Kasumi's mission, are more of a teal-green color.
In Mass Effect 1 you kill around 10 green Asari Clones of Shiala.
 
Asari Clone

 
Shiala in ME1

 
Shiala in ME2

[Abedsbrother]

Went in to buy the "good provisions" for the cook (Citadel). If you hang around after completing the purchase, you can hear another customer wanting to buy two ingredients to mix them together. The Turian sales clerk gets all snooty, like "What kind of cook are you?" The customer replies, "I just want something spicy to put on a steak." 

The Clerk replies, "Why don't you go to [forget which store] and get some Tummy-Tingling Tuchanka Sauce."

I totally lol'd.

[Remix-General Aetius]

The 2 krogans arguing about fish on the presidium. No matter how you decide to end the sidequest, their talk is funny.

 

eating a Presidium fish is like......screwing Sha'iraaaah!

 

another line that cracks me up is the Eclipse leader Jaroth's interaction with Shepard. a salarian talking tough "since you care so much".

 

 

the line & delivery kill me!

[silverserfer28]

Dunno weather its here but one i found to be funny was when you take miranda to omega and she says(omega what a{ wee hole} i have to decontaminate after taking a shower.haha

on the entrance to omega next to the turian and the salarian,

[Jukaga]

Pushing the merc out the window and having Shepard say 'how about goodbye'

The squadmates' reactions are the real treat from that scene. Jack hilariously approves, Jacob gets all sullen and passive-aggressive says something like 'Is that how you read him his rights?'

 

um Jacob,

1. I'm not a cop.

2. He is an illegal mercenary and therefore can be legally killed, without trial at any time.

[Ozzy]

 

...

 

I'm not a biotic. 

[Abedsbrother]

After you do all the major missions on Ilium (Thane, Samara, and the primary Liara missions - not including the Shadow Broker), go back to the bar. The asari matriarch bartender will say (I've only tried it with Paragon): "Can I get you anything, babe? Sorry, no sex. I just cleaned the bar."

[ahsari2014]

Doing the loyalty mission for Kasumi. In the apartment of Hock Shepard is looking for dna samples ; Shepard : aha,. Kasumi : what, did you found a sample? Shepard : no, a creditchip.. And the game. Adds one creditchip to your account. I imagine Kasumi's big eyes followed by a questionmark.

[zen zix]

Space marine physics 101 class: link.

[ahsari2014]

Joker: So if she starts claiming to be the " vanguard of our destruction", I call shotgun on the first lifeboat.