Last year my best friend died.
We were both kind of introverted, and video games have always been a hobby - so that is how we have spent the past 10 years or so together. Playing various mmos. I played healer, he played tank, every game. Stepping into each new fantasy world, hand in hand, the thrill of exploring them... eventually, we ruled each world together. We loved giving ourselves seemingly impossible tasks, and that high when we finally achieved them. We formed guilds together, grew them to be huge in size and success. The kind of trust we built for each other over the years... keeping each other alive in the most extreme circumstances... we knew none of it was "real", and ultimately we would have nothing physical to show for our efforts.... but I trusted him with my life, in game and out.
In reality, we played together every evening; from the moment we got home from work to the moment we went to sleep. It was the waking world that wasn't "real" to us. The adventures we had... those were the experiences which shaped us. And when real life stuff was going down, I always knew that everything would be fine because I always had him waiting in game. And vice versa.
We were preparing to play that "ArchAge" game which was about to come out last year. He was able to play a week or so early. I had an invite to the beta too, but I told him I needed to finish a University assignment before I joined him, so I would be a few days late.
Worst. Regret. Ever. A few days later, when I was about to join him, I got a message from his brother telling me that he had died on the way the work. A sudden death, related to his diabetes.
It's not just the mourning that I have found difficult. I still literally have no idea what to do with myself. All of my spare time for the last 10 years has been with him. For him. I have no other purpose.
I liked the Dragon Age series, I knew that much. So I focused on looking forward to the DA:I release. I hoped.... I needed.... to have a similar experience those I had in DA2 with Varric, and Mass Effect with Garrus. A replicated version of that bros-saving-the-world-together scenario. I... didn't process my best friend's death. I didn't know how. I hadn't even cried. All I could do was look forward to DA:I.
In my first PT, I played the game blind - except for the happy knowledge that Varric was returning. But... soon after starting DA:I, it was clear that Varric was not the same person I remembered from DA2. Writing style? Or deliberately miserable being away from Kirkwall? I wasn't sure.
But this bald elf had swooped in and stolen all of my attention! Where had he come from? How dare he be so interesting! And funny! And, as it seemed then, "safe". Playing a human I couldn't romance him, but, as with Varric, that didn't bother me so much. I never enter a game believing I am going to romance anyone. But... there was a vulnerability to my Inquisitor I couldn't shake. As a mage she had lived, from what I already knew of the lore, isolated in a circle tower her whole life. Everyone she knew at the conclave was killed... she wakes up a prisoner, gaps in her memory - unable to trust her own mind as well as her magic. She needed to trust someone, but no idea who it was safe to trust at the Inquisition. And... no doubt all of this was mixed in with my own, real life emotional vulnerability at this time too.
So... there was Solas being a comforting, knowledgeable bro, slowly "doing a Garrus" on me. And, after the destruction of Haven, I was suddenly suprised by one line with Cullen. Something like, "I am never going to let that happen to you again". Swooon. He wants to protect me, I thought. It was exactly what my Quiz (and myself) needed. So that was the moment I decided my Quiz would be with Cullen in the first PT.
Fast forward to the end of the game, and that stinger reveal. I sucked in and held my breath for the longest time. I guess reading between the lines of Solas deflecting all the time, him turning out to be hiding something wasn't the biggest suprise. What would eventually send me reeling was the realisation that this was the end of the game and oh what a dastardly way to get me to buy DLC.
But... my reaction at the time was perhaps not a sensible one. I started... choke-crying? You know the blubbering that comes with panic and lack of control. It was not anger exactly, but it was directed at Cullen. I was so distraught that he had promised to protect my Quiz (me), and the whole time there was a frickin' old god beside me the whole time with questionable motives at best. You had one job Cullen. You failed so, so gloriously.
As for Solas, that need from him is still there, as an ache. He ticked all the boxes... and then LEFT. Thanks for mimicking real life for me, dude. That is always what I look for in a video game.
One thing I have to thank the game for (if you can see it as a positive?) is that panic attack. Because... it released the flood gates. After my friend had died, I had become numb. Isolated myself, became awfully unhealthy, did the bare minimum each day. For.. over 6 months. And then Solas-angst. Which uh, I guess was feeling something. And then I found my way onto this forum, and started talking to all these wonderful people with the same appreciation for Solas; who were all raw and angsty and in need of blanketfort too.
So I guess what I am meaning to say is, thank all of you for the distraction, and the healing. And... also, I apologise if at any point I have projected my grief onto Solas.
Peace Out 
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