Galfridus Chauceres Advice Upon Love:
For the swoteness of Maye is not yet upon us, yet yn this moneth ther ys a holiday that has been around synce ancient tymes. Actually, Ich was the fyrst to pen upon thys day. Not to bragge. Enyway, ye can read it yf ye are not vulgar.
So, Ich found myself walking in a faire garden—yt was a byt uncouth but they tried—in a stronge-holde. Ich thinke it was called forth to holde up yon skkye, or something fanciful. Gentil folke lyke that sort of thynge. Manye gentils did wander that gardyn and wonder what myn advice on love would be. This is because Ich am truly a wyse man and knew somewat of poetrye and somewat of lore. Actually, whan Ich saye “somewat” I mean a lot. Lyke have you heard of myn lyttle bok on Canterburye, yf not, go to the pillorye nearest.
I muchel relishe the gyvyng of advice:
I.
Inquisitor, Ich must thenke thee for the twoe large wheeles of chese from Orlais. But Orlais chese does not agree wyth myn sence of honour. Ich dide gyve them to a hariy manne from the barne, he looked like he was yn need of some chese. Why ys he there? Enyway, Ich just hopen that myn advice wil helpe in the wooing of the faire and stronge ladye Cassandra.
Now fyrst, wat is the meaning of your newfangled fashion? Gentil and wyse ladies do not lyke beige nyght clothes. Get thee to a craftye tailor. Beige ys not the colour of passione.
Ich know that ye must spende dayes in killing thynges and yn games of violence. Ye must shew her youre strengethe.
Wat? She oftentimes must pycke yow uppe off the flor? Fyghten togeder. Or, maybe, take her to a spot of muchel romance a lette her slaye som bears.
Do ye playe upon the lute? Ye can singe swete ballads to her.
No. Wat are ye a savage? Well, Ich guesse yow can read to her some poetrye. Perhaps, Dante. Ladies love Dante. Dante can gyt yt. Ask Beatrice. Yt ys knowen.
Ladies also loven for faire knyghtes to quest.
Yow venture upon many a queste?
That manye?
Perhaps spyce up your questynge wyth more bears to slaye. Perhaps gyants? Naughty gyants?
Well, thys was myn advice. Ich hopen that thys was somwat helpful in your queste to woo the fayre, fresshe ladye.
Bonus: Lynes of Pick-uppe Written for the Balde Elf.
“Are ye an anciente Elvhen treatise? Bycause Ich would love to translate ye into the vernacular.”
“Do ye lyke thys castle? How about these battlements? Ye want to scale myn battlements, perchance?”
“Do ye want to came to myn room and see myn scrolls?”
“Ich am indeed a mage of muchel magic. But myn coattails are not the only thynges Ich can set on fyre.”