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[Illyria]

Ok last one from me. I'm dyinggg from laughter.

 

Spoiler

Two Hungry Uncles Back flipping to the Beat A Short Story
by Cheese

Lavellan looked at the ruby orb in her hands and felt exasperated.

She walked over to the window and reflected on her crowded surroundings. She had always loved bloody deep roads with its regurgitated, rotten red lyrium crystals. It was a place that encouraged her tendency to feel exasperated.

Then she saw something in the distance, or rather someone. It was the figure of Solas . Solas was a sexy Evanuris with ginger cheeks and bald eyes.

Lavellan gulped. She glanced at her own reflection. She was a cunning, prideful, poison drinker with shapey cheeks and muscular eyes. Her friends saw her as a narrow, nasty nug. Once, she had even helped a calm Cullen cross the road.

But not even a cunning person who had once helped a calm Cullen cross the road, was prepared for what Solas had in store today.

The hurricane teased like copulating snoufleurs, making Lavellan sleepy.

As Lavellan stepped outside and Solas came closer, she could see the sour glint in his eye.

Solas gazed with the affection of 4254 creepy wicked wolves. He said, in hushed tones, "I love you and I want your vallaslin."

Lavellan looked back, even more sleepy and still fingering the ruby orb. "Solas, give me back my gear," she replied.

They looked at each other with jealous feelings, like two defeated, deafening dragons rubbing at a very thirsty exalted council, which had blood magic music playing in the background and two hungry uncles back flipping to the beat.

Lavellan studied Solas's ginger cheeks and bald eyes. Eventually, she took a deep breath. "I'm sorry," began Lavellan in apologetic tones, "but I don't feel the same way, and I never will. I just don't love you Solas."

Solas looked excited, his emotions raw like an excited, eager eluvian.

Lavellan could actually hear Solas's emotions shatter into 1441 pieces. Then the sexy Evanuris hurried away into the distance.

Not even a drink of poison would calm Lavellan's nerves tonight.

THE END

 

EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS IS WONDERFUL

 

Mine:

 

Spoiler

Galactic Awesome Chainsaw Wars A Science Fiction Plot
by Varric Tethras

A long, long time ago in an awesome, awesome galaxy...

 

After leaving the beautiful planet Novaria, a group of spirits fly toward a distant speck. The speck gradually resolves into a Ferelden, space Normandy.

Civil war strikes the galaxy, which is ruled by Gaspard de Chalons, an earlobe weirdo yahg capable of disingenuous assertions and even snide insinuations.

Terrified, a noble turian known as Josephine Montilyet flees the Empire, with her protector, Isabela Rivaini.

They head for Haven on the planet Ilos. When they finally arrive, a fight breaks out. Rivaini uses her awesome Chainsaw to defend Josephine.

Rivaini and Turian Josephine decide it's time to leave Ilos and steal the mako to shoot their way out.

They encounter a tribe of demons. Rivaini is attacked and the turian is captured by the demons and taken back to Haven.

Rivaini must fight to save Turian Josephine but when she accidentally unearths a powerful Orb of Evanuris, the entire future of the awesome, beautiful galaxy is at stake.

 

Praise for Galactic Awesome Chainsaw Wars

"I really, really, really hope that Rivaini saves Turian Josephine because I love this story soooooo much!"

- The Daily Tale

"An earlobe weirdo yahg, a tribe of demons and a noble turian - haven't we seen this before somewhere?"

- Enid Kibbler

[Cee]

My cat spent the better part of the morning chasing agents of Fly'Harel, now he is napping soundly on the top of my couch. I take that back, one buzzed past his head mocking him for his failure and he's flipping his tail while he contemplates his next move.

 

Those agents are tricky. I interrupted a meeting by my sink this morning while getting water for coffee. I'm suspicious.

[Kadan]

Those agents are tricky. I interrupted a meeting by my sink this morning while getting water for coffee. I'm suspicious.

Don't tell her, but I broke down and bought a new weapon to combat these stealthy agents. It has a telescopic arm so I am hoping it will reach even the most cunning agents sent.

[Uirebhiril]

The awkward moment when you realize that you and your spouse just had too much DA.

 

A brief conversation after my slightly calculated move.

"I did no such thing!"

"Don't Solas me."

 

I grabbed my husband's tea by accident the other day and took a swig, only to make a face at tasting the mango green tea abomination that was in it. He took one look at me and laughed, because as he said, "you made a Solas face!"

 

I threatened to dump the rest of his hot leaf juice on his head.

[Ardent Blossom]

The awkward moment when you realize that you and your spouse just had too much DA.

 

A brief conversation after my slightly calculated move.

"I did no such thing!"

"Don't Solas me."

Oh my Mythal, THIS! Last night Mr. Ardent Blossom and I were playfully squabbling about the most efficient way to do a household chore. I got sick of the back and forth, so I said, "As long as the job gets done, I don't care about the rest."

He looked at me blankly...then chuckled. Dragon Age references get dropped a little too often around these parts.

[Sable Rhapsody]

Civil war strikes the galaxy, which is ruled by Gaspard de Chalons, an earlobe weirdo yahg capable of disingenuous assertions and even snide insinuations.

 

[Illyria]

Help I'm addicted to this pairing:

 

Spoiler

Isabela Come Home A Lost Bronte Novel
by Varric Tethras

Isabela Rivani is a brave and fiesty orphan raised by a weak willed and simpering lady. Eventually she gets a job working as a diplomat for the noble Lady Montilyet of Montilyet Castle. The unlikely couple rapidly succumb to a wonderful passion.

On the day of their wedding, a bad tempered thief escapes from the attic of Montilyet Castle and starts a fire. Believing that Lady Montilyet is dead, Isabela flees from the church and wanders the dreek moors for days until she is rescued by a arrogant pirate.

However, although Lady Montilyet is blinded by the fire, she still breathes. Without Isabela she becomes greedy and selfish. She turns to alcohol for comfort. The ghost of the thief from the attic haunts her.

Meanwhile, thinking Lady Montilyet is dead, Isabela accepts a marriage proposal from her saviour, the pirate. However, one night she believes she can hear Lady Montilyet calling, "Isabela, where are you? Isabela come home!" and she returns to Montilyet Castle.

On Isabela's return, she finds Lady Montilyet drunk and without sight. Mistaking her for the ghost of the bad tempered thief, she attacks her with a daggers and Isabela Rivani dies.

As she attends to the body, Lady Montilyet realises what she has done. Driven mad with guilt, she hatches a plan to destroy the next generation, but there is no next generation and she dies of consumption two weeks later.

 

Praise for Isabela Come Home

"One of the most wonderful romances ever told. It makes you want to rush out and get a job as a Lady's diplomat."

- The Daily Tale

"I feel more passion when I flush away my daily business than I did reading this book, but Isabela Come Home does warn us against the dangers of keeping a bad tempered thief in the attic."

- Enid Kibbler

"I'd rather marry a arrogant pirate than a greedy Lady but each to his own."

- Hit the Spoof

"I could do better."

- Zob Gloop

[Illyria]

 

I admit, I cheated to get that story to turn out like that.

[Kadan]

Source

 

For all you awesome writers out there, you can do NaNo. Here are some tips from a pro.

 

[Illyria]

Last one I swear

 

Spoiler

Drinking With the Vampire A Teen Vampire Story
by Varric Tethras

There's a gracious new girl in Haven and she has everybody talking. Stunningly sexy and devastatingly hot, all the boys want her. However, Kes Surana has a secret - she's a vile vampire.

Alistair Theirin is a funny, devestatingly good looking boy who enjoys reading. He becomes fascinated by Kes who can stop greatsword with her bare hands. He doesn't understand why she's so standoffish.

His best friend, a hilarious dragon called Duncan, helps Alistair begin to piece together the puzzle. Together, they discover the ultimate weapon - the yellow, squidgy staff.

When bodies start turning up all over Haven, Alistair begins to fear the worst. The dragon urges her to report Kes to the police and he knows he should, so what's stopping him?

He may resist Kes's bite, but can he resist her charms?

Will he be caught drinking with the vampire?

 

Praise for Drinking With the Vampire

"Bursting with originality. A funny boy falling for a sexy vampire has simply never been done before."

- The Daily Tale

"About as moving as a cow stuck in a bog, but Drinking With the Vampire does deliver an important message about not having a dragon for a friend."

- Enid Kibbler

"A yellow, squidgy staff would be my first choice too. This must be based on a true story, you couldn't make this stuff up!"

- Hit the Spoof

"I could do better."

- Zob Gloop

[MayriyaNoori]

That problem when you are trying to write a morning after scene to help bridge the gap over a smut chapter........and the point is to just establish plot related things..........

 

............and you reach a point where they're going to do it again.

 

Fail.

 

GD Zevran.

[Kadan]

That problem when you are trying to write a morning after scene to help bridge the gap over a smut chapter........and the point is to just establish plot related things..........

 

............and you reach a point where they're going to do it again.

 

Fail.

 

GD Zevran.

"You didn't see that coming? What a shame my friend." Zevran said.

[drosophila]

Source

 

For all you awesome writers out there, you can do NaNo. Here are some tips from a pro.

 

 

This gives me feels. He's either that good a writer or I'm in the feels corner really deep today. 

[Sable Rhapsody]

That problem when you are trying to write a morning after scene to help bridge the gap over a smut chapter........and the point is to just establish plot related things..........

 

............and you reach a point where they're going to do it again.

 

Fail.

 

GD Zevran.

 

It *is* Zevran.  Also, I greatly approve of Zevran's game.

[Cee]

This gives me feels. He's either that good a writer or I'm in the feels corner really deep today. 

 

Both. Very much both.

[Cee]

Last one I swear

 

Spoiler

Drinking With the Vampire A Teen Vampire Story
by Varric Tethras

There's a gracious new girl in Haven and she has everybody talking. Stunningly sexy and devastatingly hot, all the boys want her. However, Kes Surana has a secret - she's a vile vampire.

Alistair Theirin is a funny, devestatingly good looking boy who enjoys reading. He becomes fascinated by Kes who can stop greatsword with her bare hands. He doesn't understand why she's so standoffish.

His best friend, a hilarious dragon called Duncan, helps Alistair begin to piece together the puzzle. Together, they discover the ultimate weapon - the yellow, squidgy staff.

When bodies start turning up all over Haven, Alistair begins to fear the worst. The dragon urges her to report Kes to the police and he knows he should, so what's stopping him?

He may resist Kes's bite, but can he resist her charms?

Will he be caught drinking with the vampire?

 

Praise for Drinking With the Vampire

"Bursting with originality. A funny boy falling for a sexy vampire has simply never been done before."

- The Daily Tale

"About as moving as a cow stuck in a bog, but Drinking With the Vampire does deliver an important message about not having a dragon for a friend."

- Enid Kibbler

"A yellow, squidgy staff would be my first choice too. This must be based on a true story, you couldn't make this stuff up!"

- Hit the Spoof

"I could do better."

- Zob Gloop

 

[MayriyaNoori]

"You didn't see that coming? What a shame my friend." Zevran said.

I nearly spit coffee on my screen reading this.

 

Top Edit: Why?!?!? Why do all of my top posts end up something about elves and sex and just.....ugh.......

 

2nd Edit: GD Zevran!!!

 

Spoiler

source

 

 

 

And here's some Solas, becuase this thread is suppose to be about him.

 

 

 

 

[Illyria]

I lied:

 

Spoiler

Beautiful Kes's Red Hair A Paranormal Romance
by Varric Tethras

Alistair Theirin suspected something was a little off when his deranged long lost cousin tried to kill him when he was just six years old. Nevertheless, he lived a relatively normal life among other humans.

It wasn't until he bumped into the devilishly beautiful mage, Kes Surana, that his life finally began to make sense.

However, Kes proved to be sarcastic and seemed to have an unhealthy obsession with stealing. Alistair soon learnt that Kes had taken an oath never to kiss a human being.

When Alistair's deranged long lost cousin is injured in a highly embarrassing accident, Alistair realises his own life is at risk.

Despite Kes's red hair and green eyes, Alistair finds himself falling for the mage. Only fate will decided whether she kills or protects him.

One night, a Templar appears before Alistair and warns him of a darkness within Kes. The Templar gives Alistair the geometric murder knife - the only weapon that can defeat a beautiful mage.

Will Alistair find it in himself to kill the only creature who has ever made him feel truly happy? (Hint: yes!)

 

Praise for Beautiful Kes's Red Hair

"Oh my golly gosh - where can I find myself a tasty beautiful mage?"

- The Daily Tale

"Oh please! Like a human would ever be able to kill a mage with a geometric murder knife!"

- Enid Kibbler

"I didn't like the deranged long lost cousin at all and was glad when the highly embarrassing accident happened."

- Hit the Spoof

"The blurb spoilt the plot. I don't need to read it now."

- Zob Gloop

[Cee]

The Mangled Toes A Crime Thriller
by C. C. Sharp-Dagger

 

Mangled toes have been turning up all over Thedas and the inhabitants are scared. Ten murders in ten weeks, all committed with a staff, and still nobody has a clue who the cruel killer is.

 

Ms. Nirwen Lavellan is an angular and lawful healer with a fondness for egg. She doesn't know it yet but she is the only one who can stop the grumpy killer.

 

When her lover, Solas , is kidnapped, Ms. Lavellan finds herself thrown into the centre of the investigation. His only clue is a smooth donut.

She enlists the help of a selfless stable master called Josephine Montilyet.

 

Can Montilyet help Lavellan overcome her elfroot addiction and find the answers before the picky killer and his deadly staff strike again?

Praise for The Mangled Toes

"Ms. Lavellan is the best detective ever. A passion for egg and elfroot is something we all can relate to."

- The Daily Tale

"About as scary as a minute ant, but The Mangled Toes does deliver an important message about the dangers of a staff."

- Enid Kibbler

"As always, a selfless stable master makes the best sidekick."

- Hit the Spoof

"I could do better."

- Zob Gloop

[Kadan]

I nearly spit coffee on my screen reading this.

    I'm running out of tissues! I used half the box last night and the trend continues this morning

 

Edit : I was going to say something else when I first read your post, but Zev got in my head and he would not be silenced!

[Cee]

So many laughter tears. Soooo many.

[Cee]

I come bearing another song.

 

The Tiny Face knees In The Style Of Eminem
by Nirwen

 

Spoiler

 

May I have your attention please?
I'm not afraid (I'm not afraid)
To help Wisdom (to help Wisdom)
Everybody (everybody)
Come take my butt (come take my butt)
We'll walk through The Emerald Graves together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm

His ears are freckled, face knees tiny, elbows are fat
There's food on his sweater already, brother's egg
He's nervous, but on the surface he looks calm and ready to help Wisdom,
But he keeps on forgetting what he wrote down,

And I am, The Dread Wolf
If I wasn't, then why would I say I am?
In the paper, the news everyday I am
Radio won't even play my jam
'Cause I am, The Dread Wolf
If I wasn't, then why would I say I am?
In the paper, the news everyday I am
I don't know it's just the way I am

You better plant a tree
You own it, you better never let it go
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to help Wisdom
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo
You better plant a tree
You own it, you better never let it go
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to help Wisdom
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo

So lets go back
Follow the the Crossroads as we go on another episode
Journey with me as I take you through The Emerald Graves
I once used to call home sweet home

Well, gotta go, I'm almost at the Temple of Mythal now

And when I'm gone, just help Wisdom, don't mourn
Rejoice every time you hear the sound of my freckled ears
Just know that I'm looking down on you finding
And I didn't feel a thing, So baby don't feel no pain
Just plant a tree

And when he's gone, just help Wisdom, don't mourn
Rejoice every time you hear the sound of his tiny face knees
Just know that he's looking down on you driving
And his didn't feel a thing, So baby don't feel no pain
Just plant a tree in your sweater.

 

[Kadan]

This thread gets me into so much trouble with the kidlett. She asks me constantly what is so funny. I have to tell her "it's a bit above your pay grade."

"What does that even mean?" "It means you are too young to understand." "Please? Just tell me!" "When your older, monkey, when your older." (she's not yet 10)

[MayriyaNoori]

I come bearing another song.

 

The Tiny Face knees In The Style Of Eminem
by Nirwen

 

Spoiler

 

May I have your attention please?
I'm not afraid (I'm not afraid)
To help Wisdom (to help Wisdom)
Everybody (everybody)
Come take my butt (come take my butt)
We'll walk through The Emerald Graves together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm

His ears are freckled, face knees tiny, elbows are fat
There's food on his sweater already, brother's egg
He's nervous, but on the surface he looks calm and ready to help Wisdom,
But he keeps on forgetting what he wrote down,

And I am, The Dread Wolf
If I wasn't, then why would I say I am?
In the paper, the news everyday I am
Radio won't even play my jam
'Cause I am, The Dread Wolf
If I wasn't, then why would I say I am?
In the paper, the news everyday I am
I don't know it's just the way I am

You better plant a tree
You own it, you better never let it go
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to help Wisdom
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo
You better plant a tree
You own it, you better never let it go
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to help Wisdom
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo

So lets go back
Follow the the Crossroads as we go on another episode
Journey with me as I take you through The Emerald Graves
I once used to call home sweet home

Well, gotta go, I'm almost at the Temple of Mythal now

And when I'm gone, just help Wisdom, don't mourn
Rejoice every time you hear the sound of my freckled ears
Just know that I'm looking down on you finding
And I didn't feel a thing, So baby don't feel no pain
Just plant a tree

And when he's gone, just help Wisdom, don't mourn
Rejoice every time you hear the sound of his tiny face knees
Just know that he's looking down on you driving
And his didn't feel a thing, So baby don't feel no pain
Just plant a tree in your sweater.

 

Just plant a tree in your sweater.

lol

[Ardent Blossom]

I got an idea for a fan fiction, and I figured I'd run is past you all before I actually work on it. Would any of you read a Solavellan story inspired by Dickens' A Christmas Carol? I'm picturing Solas in the Scrooge role with spirits instead of ghosts, and of course it wouldn't be Christmas.