It had been some time since Solas had turned away from her, left her there, tears streaming down her cheeks in that beautiful grotto. Varlaina had avoided him since then, not trusting herself to look in his eyes and remain strong. The sting of it still felt like a dagger wedging itself in her heart with every breath. She had so many questions and couldn’t help but blame herself for everything. What had she done to make him leave? Did she say something wrong? Creators, it felt like she was going to vomit.
The small elven women was curled up in the middle of her dwarfing Orlesian bed, a gift from Empress Celene as a thank you for helping her at the ball, hugging her pillow to herself and trying not to cry. Thankfully no one had come in to see how she was, she was in a fit of melancholy and no one could be sure how long it would last. Though, it could also be that either Dorian or Varric were shooing people away from the inquisitor’s door to allow her some peace for once. It was strange to have friends who were so protective of her, due to her learnings as a keeper, Varlaina often was the one who cared and nurtured others, expecting nothing in return. They knew immediately that something had happened when she dragged herself home after being gone for hours, all the while Solas returning and going straight into his study to lock the door against the outside world. The inquisitor had barely been able to walk past the nobles crowding the throne room to get to her own door. It had taken all her inner strength to stifle the tears and put on a smiling face lest the sharks sniff out a droplet of blood. Once she was safe in her room her defenses crumbled and sobs wracked her body until she’d slipped into sleep.
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Stark wind whipped against her face, feeling like razors lashing against bare cheeks. Varlaina drew her hood up against it and gazed around curiously. Her brow twitched as the throbbing in her hand stole her attention, eyes flicking down to see the eerie green oozing out of her scar. Ignoring the dull pain from it, it dawned on her where exactly she was. Now focusing on her environment she could see it, in between the reality of the space there were the threads of uncertainty. The strange bits of things that didn’t truly belong but found their way to stitch together a scene that would be acceptable for the viewer. She was in the fade.
Well to be more specific, this part of the fade had morphed into what looked like the a mountain path. Snow fell in thick puffs to the ground when the wind let them, the cold seeped through the cloak she was adorned with like it was paper. “Least I could do was dream I had a decent coat.” Grumbling before she jerked back at the fur now lacing her shoulders. “Alright, will never quite get used to that I have to admit…” The elf had tried to chuckle, only to cough on cold air and give up on it. Why was she here? She really didn’t feel like enduring her dreams at the moment, but even since she’d received the anchor she didn’t remember feeling quite this lucid in her wanderings. A murmured voice spoke against her ear and she turned to face the direction it seemed to come from. The elf could recognize who its owner was without even a second thought. “Solas.” Pain gripped her chest and she pushed it aside, grunting as she forced herself to trudge through the thick snow towards him. Even in her dreams she was being taunted by him, couldn’t she forget about him for just one night? “Solas!!” Shouts were drowned out by the roar of the wind through the trees, silencing her. Varlaina attempted to shout again but the bitter cold clamped her throat closed and she threw into a fit of coughs. As it died down, a flash of color whizzed by her peripheral. Snapping her head towards the flash yielded nothing but a sharp increase in her anxiety. The inquisitor shivered from the cold and continued on her way, unsure if demons were being drawn by her magic and perhaps her pain? She stopped in her tracks and thought back to the countless conversations she had had with Solas. Demons were only demons if you expected them to be, if you came in with an open heart and mind, they would be their true forms as spirits. The blonde closed her eyes and cleared her mind of her current pain and worry as best she could. “Please…spirits, please help me find him, I know he’s here.” Chanting the words to herself she took a step forward, stumbling into the snow with a grunt. “****, ****, ****, ****!” Cursing herself and pounding her first into the snow before making herself suck in a deep breath to calm down.
Something urged her to stand, pulling her to her feet and steadying her shaking body. Varlaina opened her stinging eyes to see a translucent figure holding her up, shimmering blue masked a smiling face. Her own face was marked with confusion before shifting to one of gratitude. “Thank you…. Do.. Have you seen another elf here? A man?” Thinking of ways to describe him she pulled back her hood and gestured to her pointed ears, now bright red from the cold. The spirit responded in what sounded like chimes, the woman however understood her words through it all, the nuances of it. “Please help me find him!”
With the aid of the spirit they both weaved through the thick fir trees that dotted the landscape, the more she looked, the more she could see the features shifting and twisting. To be so awake during this, it felt strange, like she didn’t quite belong. A strong gust of wind almost knocked the woman over, only staying upright because of the helpful spirit. She wanted to ask the spirit so many questions, but unlike the other rift mage she was searching for, she wasn’t quite as experienced in speaking to them. Any she tried to pose to her companion to pass time was met with the same gentle smile. Eventually the two fell into silence, the wind the only sound that could be heard. The trees began to part and they were greeted with a set of stairs, spiraling into the sky. Varlaina cranked her head upwards to follow the stairs, the more familiar floating islands were visible near the top. “The end of my dream..?” Looking towards the spirit who urged her to the stairs with the same encouraging smile. “Thank you for all your help.” Struggling to give a smile to the other and a quick hug before turning back towards the next step in her journey. Gathering her strength, she trudged more through the snow until she felt solid stone beneath her steps, hoisting herself onto the landing of the staircase. With one last look back, she waved to the lingering spirit, and began to climb.
Numb limbs made the climb agonizing and the railing was the only thing keeping her from tumbling all the way back down. Her knuckles were white from clinging to the metal, using it as a pulley to will herself to continue. The whispering words continued to assault her ears. At first she mused it was Mythal… Flemeth beckoning her back to the waking world to do her bidding… but no, it was the sweet inflections on words that she’d heard a hundred times before. It was him, there was no doubt about it. He was arguing with himself, words dripping with sorrow and pain. New tears burned her eyes as she slipped and slid down a few steps. The elf only stopping her descent by entangling her arms in between the spindles. She laid there now, body aching from the effort of getting to this point, but it seemed so useless now. All the feelings she had been trying to bury inside came out again…
His face mocked her in her mind, what right did he have to bear such an expression?? He left her! He was the one who walked away. How could he have done that? He told her the markings she’d been so proud to receive were nothing but the markings of a slave. A testament to the poor attempts of the Dalish at wanting their history back. “You are so beautiful.” The words wrung hollow, echoing their combined pain in the air around her. Varlaina sobbed against the steps, replaying the whole event in her mind. “Why….why Solas…. why did you do this? I love you….I love you so much…”
“… I’m sorry, ma vhenan.”
Opening her eyes quickly she jerked her head to the sound and saw that she near the top of the staircase now, a mass of land just out of reach from her crumpled form. “Solas?” Her words were barely a whisper as she struggled to stand again, hissing at the pain that permeated her body. The woman took a moment to summon what energy she had left and staggered up to the top of the stairs.
Her eyes widened when she finally found him. The male was sitting crosslegged in the center of the platform, back to Varlaina. She heard the soft sounds of tears, and the man’s shaky chokes of breath. The female mage moved to steady herself against the staircases’ railing, only to find it was gone now, along with the floating isles of the fade. Even the atmosphere changed, it was warmer now, sticky wet air clung to your skin and weighed you down with its presence. Now uncomfortably warm, she shed the thick fur coat that had protected her from the cold below and look around the new area. The foliage jogged a memory in her mind and it clicked with her. They were at the temple of mythal, more so, the Well of Sorrows. Why was he here? Ahead of Solas, the Eluvian stood, however, in this place it was a simple mirror. The bald elf was looking to the ground, small dark spots below him were a telltale sign that he had indeed been crying.
“Solas?” She repeated his name, biting her lip after hearing it. Did she even want him to turn to her?
“Leave spirits, please. I do not want to think of her now.” He didn’t even lift his gaze, eyes focused on his own wringing hands.
Varlaina’s heart sank at the tone of his voice… it sounded defeated, broken. She crept forward slightly, extending her hand out to him before pulling it back. “I’m not a spirit Solas, it’s me.” She tried to sound reassuring, but her voice shook lightly with her words, lips trembling as Solas’ head slowly looked up into the mirror to see her behind him. His eyes were bloodshot, the cool blue now muddled with the red of tears.
He had begun to question why she was here before quickly standing and turning to her, mouth hanging open. It snapped shut with a click as he awkwardly stood in front of her. “Varlaina… I… ah..” Cringing before turning a little to wipe his eyes away from her view. He had no idea what to say to the other, to the woman he loved and hurt terribly. “Why are you here?” It sounded far more accusatory than he had intended.
His question caused her to shrink back, eyes wide as she stared. “I….heard your voice and followed. A spirit helped lead me to you.” She fumbled with the words, gesturing with her hands before clasping them together against her chest. The inquisitor tried to steady her breaths before gazing timidly back up to the man she loved and taking a step forward. She had to say something before she lost the courage. “Tell me why Solas.” Her face was determined now as she crept forward, despite his stepping back. “Give me a reason!” Varlaina was more sad than angry, she just wanted something, anything that helped her understand why. “Don’t you love me??” As soon as she said it, she regretted it deeply. Silence invaded the scene and Solas looked as though he wanted to disappear.
He stared at the ground again, brows knit deeper, creating a wrinkle between them. “I… love you more than there are stars in the sky.” The mages’ voice cracked roughly as he replied. He made himself look to her, wiping another tear away that fell to his cheek. “That’s why it had to be done. I… let it go on for too long, I made it so much worse in the end.” He held in a sob, arm covering his eyes as he fought back tears. Slowly he sank to the ground. “You are my everything and I could not let you become involved in my mistakes… you already suffer so much because of them, because of my foolishness.” Solas couldn’t keep himself from tears now, shaking as he allowed himself to sob deeply. “It is easier for me to be alone, easier for me to end it now rather than drag it on and continue to harm you.” Soft arms moved to wrap around him and silky lips placed kisses upon his sleeve. The male’s arm lowered gingerly, revealing the barefaced elf now kneeling beside him. Her violet eyes were cloudy with her own tears. “Please, I can not… I can not see your face like this, please..” He begged for her to go, feeling his heart shattering at what he had done to her. “Please go…”
“I would follow you to the edge of the earth Solas, there is nothing you can do to make me leave you. I trust you will all my heart.” Varlaina tried to reason with him as her hands moved to caress and cup his cheeks. “I love you so much… why can’t you trust me with this?”
His larger hands covered hers, moving them to his mouth to deliver a delicate kiss to her knuckles as his eyes lifted to meet her gaze. Solas stared into them for a moment before moving to close the distance between the two in a true kiss. It was rough and painful and needed, charged with the desire and emotions the two shared between them. He pulled back and rested his forehead against hers, searching for an explanation to give. “I would do anything to keep you safe, even if it makes me a monster…. I… I promise to explain everything to you after Corypheus is dead, after we have saved Thedas. I am so sorry… I know it is no true explanation for you, but I can not…. We must both take our pain and turn our hearts into a sharp edge and end him.” His voice was strained, knowing full well he would never return after the battle. With the orb back in hand, he had to set what he did in the past right. It wouldn’t be fair to the woman he cared so deeply for to be dragged into eons old mistakes.
Shakily the elf wiped tears away from the other’s long lashes, sighly deeply. In truth, he wanted to spend eternity with her. When she wasn’t there, a hole formed in his chest, emptiness filled him to the brim. He wished with all his heart that they had never met, it would have been kinder to never fall in love. It would have been kinder to remain alone for the rest of his days. Solas swallowed around the lump in his throat, unsure what Varlaina was thinking in her silence.
The woman merely crawled into his lap, curling up against him. She didn’t want to wake up, she didn’t want this to be over. “I don’t want you to go…” In the back of her mind, she knew they were still… finished? Was that really the correct term? It more so felt like the fates were dragging them apart. His strong arms wrapped around her and they sat in silence together now. Neither spoke, just enjoying the company of the other for however long this lasted. Solas encoded everything about her in his mind, her smell, her touch… even her breath. He wanted to remember everything about her, even once he was gone.
“You changed everything…” The same phrase that kept popping up fell from his lips, piercing the quiet. Everything that had happened to her was his fault, from the anchor, to becoming the Inquisitor… even drinking from the Well of Sorrows and falling prey to becoming Mythal’s servant… it all stemmed from him. It grew quiet again, each absorbed into their own thoughts. Solas took a hand and smoothed Varlaina’s blonde curls down as best he could, then gently laid his lips against her hair, breathing in her scent as well. “We will have to wake soon, ma vhenan.” An indignant sound grumbled from the woman below him and he agreed to its sentiment. “I know.” He pulled back slightly, freeing himself from the tangle of the girl’s limbs and tugged on the string around his neck. Thinking to himself before embacing her in a deep kiss once more, using his free hand to clasp the female elf’s fingers around his most treasured trinket. Ending their kiss was the most painful thing he could imagine, avoiding her expression as he did so. “You are my everything…”
“You are my everything too.” She kept back tears again, trying not to sully the moment between them.. maybe their last.
Solas took a deep breath, trying to ease the pure agony on his face. After one last tight hug, he whispered against her ear, “You must wake up.”
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The sparrows chirped on the rails of the balcony, morning light streaming into the inquisitor’s room. Slowly, lavender eyes opened, then quickly shut once more… willing herself back into the fade, back into his arms… but nothing came. Defeatedly she rose, sitting up and rubbing at the stinging sensation her eyes still bore. Something strange was in her hand though, and she peered down to see it. Her hand was clutching her love’s prized Wolf Jaw necklace, the one that he never took off in all her time of knowing him. Pain bubbled inside her as she held the pendant to her chest, biting her lip roughly to stop new tears.
The wooden steps to her room creaking interrupted it thankfully, the familiar face of her Tevinter friend, Dorian, peeked from the stairs. “How are you doing?” He was careful to reign in his usual bravado in lieu of support for his dear friend.
Varlaina, however, was unable to respond or greet him, rubbing her eyes and trying to smooth her deep frown. The male moved into the room with a tray of food in hand, setting it on the large bed. Carefully he crawled into the bed beside her, wrapping an arm around her. “You need to eat, lest you lose your warm luster that grants us our luck, you know?” Dorian grinned encouragingly to her.Numbly, the blonde picked at the offered food, finding it lacked any taste at all. “Ah… Cassandra wanted me to let you know that Morrigan has requested your presence in the garden. I told her this wasn’t the time to ask such things but you know her… its her way or the chopping block.” Rolling his eyes as he spoke and idly munched on some grapes. The tevinter gave a light sigh. “Please, darling, I don’t want you to shrivel away up here.”
She wasn’t really listening to him, slipping on the necklace and staring down at it. “Where did Cassandra need me?”
“The garden… but only after you’ve ate. I don’t care how important it is, you need to eat something before dealing with whatever calamity that women thinks is happening. The Maker only knows what she’s going to ask you to do. What’s next, taming a damn dragon?” His hands flailed for a moment before he slumped against her, crushing her against him in a bear hug. “You better smile, I’ll go get Varric to tell you horrible jokes, and don’t think I am bluffing.”
Varlaina managed a weak smile towards her friend and forced herself to eat more once she was released from her hug prison… if only to alleviate the others mother-henning. “Thank you Dorian..” Her head lazily slumped against his shoulder, he in turn stroked her hair.
“I know it hurts love, I know.”
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