I've heard from a surprising number of guys that romanced Ashley but saved Kaidan in their canon playthroughs (and then went back to get to get the sex scene) because he was the higher ranking officer or he was the tech specialist and he was with the bomb and they went back to make sure he wasn't over-run by geth and risk it not being detonated. You have to remember as well that their was no relationship, not even a kiss until just before Ilos when they thought they might not come back.
Shepard can be having a relationship with Ash or Kaidan before Virmire, even if it's dancing around making it official. It can be well into the mutual flirting stage at that point.
Whether it's official or not, though, the fact that it can come in at all is the problem with fraternization. Not everyone lets it dictate their decision making, but many do and it's an influence that never needs to be present. The only reliable away to prevent fraternization concerns is to not permit it to develop and nip it in the bud, as early as possible.
In any event, Shepard was like you said a spectre and the council had basically commandeered the Normandy so I don't see how the Alliance could have stepped in to tell Shepard and Ashley to knock it off.
Were Shepard a decent leader, the Alliance wouldn't have any reason to. As it was, it was simply impotent.




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