306 réponses à ce sujet

[DalishRanger]

Woot! xD



Myself, I just finished another piece of Leliana/Legam fan art that I'll post soon. As for writing... Haven't even started it yet. Might try to get it finished by Valentine's day so I can post that other fan art on DA in time for the holiday, but I might not get the chance to write that much in time. Oh well. Not a big deal.

[Taiyama]

Agh. Guys, I'm back...AGAIN. I got caught up doing other things. I wanted to get an update done on Valentine's day/Single's Awareness Day but I've been pretty sick for a while and after that I got "The Calling" (which is an AWESOME book full of epic Duncan--seriously, go read it. You think climbing an ogre with his blades was epic? Go read the book. I won't spoil it, but I was squeeing at the badass of one particular fight where Duncan climbs with his blades again.) Good news, I learned a great deal more about the Dragon Age universe that will definitely help me in future writing.



Also good news? I WAS RIGHT AND YOU WERE WRONG, DALISHRANGER! GAIDER HIMSELF USES "MANA" IN HIS WRITING! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!



*cough*...



Sorry. Just messing with you.

[Olwaye]

YAy! Taiyama is back!



I still think mana is too "gaming", and too much in use these days, just like writing magic "MAGICK", but hell this a very minor point.

[DalishRanger]

Taiyama wrote...

Agh. Guys, I'm back...AGAIN. I got caught up doing other things. I wanted to get an update done on Valentine's day/Single's Awareness Day but I've been pretty sick for a while and after that I got "The Calling" (which is an AWESOME book full of epic Duncan--seriously, go read it. You think climbing an ogre with his blades was epic? Go read the book. I won't spoil it, but I was squeeing at the badass of one particular fight where Duncan climbs with his blades again.) Good news, I learned a great deal more about the Dragon Age universe that will definitely help me in future writing.

Hey, life happens.

I've only read The Stolen Throne (it was... Meh. The actual mechanics and lore were great, but the pacing felt off to me. Too much time jumping, like trying to cram an epic into one book). Haven't had the chance/time to read The Calling.

Taiyama wrote...
Also good news? I WAS RIGHT AND YOU WERE WRONG, DALISHRANGER! GAIDER HIMSELF USES "MANA" IN HIS WRITING! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

*cough*...

Sorry. Just messing with you.

... <_<

...

I think I <3 you - in a completely platonic, jibe-exchanging forum buddy sort of way.

[Taiyama]

@Olwaye: Yeah, I may or may not actually USE mana but imagine my surprise when I discovered Gaider himself using it. I started laughing my head off.



@DalishRanger: D'aaaaww, thanks. We're snark-buddies. Plus I'm one of your evil shoulder devils regarding fanart (Olwaye is the other one). You would have a fanart shoulder angel but I stabbed him in the face and Olwaye threw the corpse into a river somewhere. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!



Yeah, I agree that the Stolen Throne was kinda meh. Trust me, Gaider gets much better by the time he writes "The Calling". There was only one or two parts of the story that seemed rather odd to me in terms of pacing--when I first read it, it seemed like they were stopping as a bizarre excuse for Duncan just to get Chekov's Dagger but once you finish reading the story, it hits you in a Fridge Brilliance sort of way that those stops were perfectly logical. I won't spoil it other to say that if when you read it, something feels off, withhold judgment until the end of the book.

[DalishRanger]

Taiyama wrote...

@Olwaye: Yeah, I may or may not actually USE mana but imagine my surprise when I discovered Gaider himself using it. I started laughing my head off.

Was it in The Calling or The Stolen Throne? I don't remember it in TSL, but it's been a while since I read it.

Taiyama wrote...
@DalishRanger: D'aaaaww, thanks. We're snark-buddies. Plus I'm one of your evil shoulder devils regarding fanart (Olwaye is the other one). You would have a fanart shoulder angel but I stabbed him in the face and Olwaye threw the corpse into a river somewhere. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Too true. He prods me to draw the naughty stuff, you prod me to draw the lulzy things. Pity you did away with the shoulder angel. Might've gotten more fluff. Sigh, what's a girl to do with such temptations nagging her all the time? 

Taiyama wrote...
Yeah, I agree that the Stolen Throne was kinda meh. Trust me, Gaider gets much better by the time he writes "The Calling". There was only one or two parts of the story that seemed rather odd to me in terms of pacing--when I first read it, it seemed like they were stopping as a bizarre excuse for Duncan just to get Chekov's Dagger but once you finish reading the story, it hits you in a Fridge Brilliance sort of way that those stops were perfectly logical. I won't spoil it other to say that if when you read it, something feels off, withhold judgment until the end of the book.

Oh, I always read books through when I finally get to them. Some of my favorites started out kind of weak but ended up getting really good, so I follow the whole thing to the end. The only book I could not finish was Twilight - I had to see if it was as awful as my roommate made it sound. It wasn't. It was far, far worse. I don't think I even made it halfway.

[Olwaye]

Taiyama wrote...

@DalishRanger: D'aaaaww, thanks. We're snark-buddies. Plus I'm one of your evil shoulder devils regarding fanart (Olwaye is the other one). You would have a fanart shoulder angel but I stabbed him in the face and Olwaye threw the corpse into a river somewhere. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

 Yep! Gave him nice concrete shoes and down the river he went !

I will no reveal a short conversation Taiyama and myself had a few months days ago.

Olwaye : The Force is strong with that one, and she alrady took a few steps into the dark side.
Taiyama : Indeed! we must get her on our side and finish her training, so the Dark Side of Fanart will reign supreme once more!
Both : MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Modifié par Olwaye, 18 février 2010 - 09:13 .

[DalishRanger]

A few months ago? You had a discussion about my Force leanings before I even started posting my art here?

[Olwaye]

Damn witty woman!

I shall edit that to days

[DalishRanger]

Olwaye wrote...

Damn witty woman!
I shall edit that to days

:innocent:

[Taiyama]

YES, YES. It was just a typo, you see. It was totally NOT because we might have the ability to see into the future or anything like that. That would be silly! AHAHAHAHA...hahahahahaha...hah...

*cough*...

Edit: Also, it was in "The Calling" that mana was mentioned a few times.

And I'm still expecting you to do that Zevran cheerleader thing.

DO IT.

Modifié par Taiyama, 19 février 2010 - 12:14 .

[DalishRanger]

Taiyama wrote...

YES, YES. It was just a typo, you see. It was totally NOT because we might have the ability to see into the future or anything like that. That would be silly! AHAHAHAHA...hahahahahaha...hah...

*cough*...

Edit: Also, it was in "The Calling" that mana was mentioned a few times.

And I'm still expecting you to do that Zevran cheerleader thing.

DO IT.

*Eyes both men suspiciously* Hm... <_<


... You know, I completely forgot about that Zevran cheerleader thing. xD I'm not really in the mood to draw that, anyway. I mean, there's no way I could compete with this piece of awesomeness for Zevran lulz.

That, and writing Later Winter makes me REALLY want to do some happier/fluffy/funny Legam/Leliana stuff to make up for all the drama/sadness.

[Taiyama]

BAHAHAHA, that is horrible and wrong...yet so very funny!



As you wish, though. I'll get you next time, GADGET!

[DalishRanger]

Taiyama wrote...

BAHAHAHA, that is horrible and wrong...yet so very funny!

As you wish, though. I'll get you next time, GADGET!

Yes, yes it is. She's hilarious. I love her work in general, but I was so gleeful when she started doing lulzy Sten stuff.

I'm sure you intended a "NEEEEEEEEXXXXXXXXXXXTTTTT TIIIIIIIMMMMMMMMMEEEEEE! *Shakes fist* to follow that?
Oh, old cartoon references! I love those! Makes me think about how many themes songs I can still recite off the top of my head, yet I can't remember if I ate breakfast or not this morning...

[Taiyama]

Interlude- “I’m Always With You”

A young human boy around eight years of age with long, thick, messy brown hair going down to about chin level and deep blue eyes studied a certain doorway intensely. His clothing was unassuming and casual—a simple red shirt and brown pants in the Ferelden style of the day—that would not have stood out at all had it not been absolutely covered in dirt and sporting a few rips and tears, primarily around the knees.

Talin Surana very much wanted to know what was on the other side of that door and he was watching as Grey Wardens occasionally came in and out of that door, waiting for one to slip up so he could get inside. His father had merely told him that the reason he wasn’t allowed in some parts of the Grey Warden base at Amaranthine was because there were Grey Warden secrets there he shouldn’t know. Of course, that had only made Talin want to know MORE, much to Taiyama’s consternation. Rarely a week would go by when Taiyama would not curse Talin inheriting his mother’s (and his own) curiosity—at least, when Taiyama was even around, as the Commander of the Grey of Ferelden was often away on business, sometimes for months at a time.

“Talin, come here!” came his mother’s Orlesian-accented voice from behind, knocking him out of his concentration.

Talin immediately stood up and ran back towards his house, weaving in-between some Grey Wardens walking around on business who gave him no mind at all. He headed towards a rather small house that had apparently been co-opted from the living quarters of the Captain of the Guard of Amaranthine when the Grey Wardens took over at the end of the Fifth Blight. It was a simple five-room building made of a dark wood which had a name Talin had forgotten and really didn’t care about, and had a high triangular roof.

Following his mother’s voice, Talin entered through the back door into the room that doubled as both the kitchen and the dining room. It was a simple room lined with cabinets and with a large window to his right that let the sunlight in, momentarily blinding him when he entered.

His mother, Leliana, was sitting at a simple oaken dining table that carried both wonderful memories of familial bonding during supper and other less happy memories of when he had to eat with some babysitter when his parents were away. Leliana, who was recently interrupting while writing something judging by the quill and paper on the desk, was smiling ecstatically. That could only mean one thing...

Strangely garbed in civilian clothes, Taiyama Surana stood beside his wife, his usual crooked smile on his face. The light of the setting sun shining in from the window cast half of his body in light, the other in shadow.

“DADDY! You’re back!” Talin exclaimed, running forward and hugging his father, who had knelt down and offered his arms.

Taiyama hugged his son back. “Hey, Demon Slayer. I’d ask if you’ve been keeping out of trouble but judging by the state of your clothes the answer is ‘no’, huh?” he asked with a good-natured chuckle.

Talin matched his father’s lopsided smile and giggled in response.

“We have some good news for you, Talin,” Leliana remarked excitedly.

“What is it?” Talin asked curiously, letting Taiyama go and looking up at his father.

Taiyama stood up. “Well, I’ve named my successor to Commander of the Grey.” He smiled widely. “I’m retiring, Son.”

Talin’s eyes widened and his eyebrows disappeared into his bangs. “…Huh?”

“I’m retiring! Now I’ll be able to spend more time with you and your mother.” Taiyama spread his arms out wide. “This is good news! I’ll be able to spend more time with you and your mother.”

“B-But what about the Grey Wardens, Dad?” Talin asked, hardly believing his ears.

“They’ll be fine without me. I helped them rebuild, beat back a few threats, and I think they can go on without me. Best to use the rest of my life to stay with you guys.”

Talin looked at the ground. “…I…I…” Something didn’t…something just didn’t feel…

Talin suddenly heard another voice from behind him. “What’s the matter, Demon Slayer? Something not seem quite right about this?”

Talin almost jumped out of his skin as he turned back to the table. Sitting on the table—right on top of Leliana’s papers, who apparently didn’t notice—was…Taiyama! Only this Taiyama looked more like the father he remembered when he got home from Grey Warden business: dressed in his deep red Senior Enchanter robes and carrying the staff of the Tevinter Magister Lord Tlaxius on his back, still sporting that same crooked smile of his.

Talin yelped and fell down on his butt, shaking like a leaf. “Wh-what the?! There are TWO OF YOU?!”

“What? What’s going on, Son?” Civilian-clothed Taiyama asked, apparently not noticing a clone of his just sitting on the table.

Mage Taiyama chuckled. He stood up on top of the table and crossed his arms, still smiling and towering over his young son. “Don’t be ridiculous, Son! There is only one Taiyama Surana, Commander of the Grey and Vanquisher of the Archdemon Urthemiel!”

“B-But what about the other one…?” Talin asked.

Taiyama sat back down—once again on Leliana’s papers—and looked over at the other Taiyama. “Well, if you’re so worried about him, why don’t you choose which one of us is the right one, hmm?”

Civilian-clothed Taiyama and Leliana both ran over to Talin and knelt down beside him. “Talin, what’s wrong??” Leliana asked.

“You’re just talking to someone who isn’t there!” Civilian-clothed Taiyama stated, looking around. “Are there demons around? I don’t sense any…”

Talin stared at the floor, ignoring his “parents” as he mulled it over. This right here, this was all he ever wanted: a happy childhood with his father and mother all beside him. But…but something wasn’t right… And in the back of his head, he felt a memory—a memory of a different life that felt like a hazy dream. The more he tried to focus on it, the more he began to remember it, and the pieces all came together.

“…No…” Talin muttered.

“No? What are you talking about, Talin?” Civilian-clothed Taiyama asked.

Talin stood up and looked his “father” in the eye. “NO! You’re not my father! My father would never shirk his duty, even to be with me and Mom! That was why I looked up to him and he was my hero! That was why growing up I wanted to be just like him! You are not him, just some demon in disguise here to trick me! Away with you!”

As soon as Talin’s speech ended, the kitchen and his two fake parents seemed to suddenly grow...less real, like they were the work of a skilled painter whose work nevertheless betrayed an artificial quality to the representation. Slowly, surely, this world began dissolving around him as the true world underneath seemed to poke holes through it and expand those holes as a flame burns through paper, and Talin was surrounded by a surreal scene: a shifting, hazy, dull brown shell of the real world. Fragmented land masses like the one Talin stood on were scattered about the plane in all directions and in the very distance, Talin could just see the black silhouette of what looked like a city. Around him were objects not unlike that which filled his dream sequence--tables, chairs, and the like--but were formed in misshapen ways and at angles no human could build in wood. They barely seemed as if they belonged in such a place, like it would seem to find such furniture underneath the depths of the ocean.

Talin himself was no longer a child of eight years but a man of twenty-six, standing tall at 6’2” and wearing dark red, massive dragonbone armor. He still had the same deep blue eyes and messy, thick brown hair but now the hair was cut much shorter and with bangs going down to just above his eyebrows and he carried the beginnings of a goatee on his chin. At his side were two weapons: on the left was the powerful, deep blue longsword Starfang and on the other was a wicked dagger that his father had entrusted to him, saying it had once belonged to Taiyama’s mentor Duncan.

Talin looked towards his father, who was sitting atop one of the strange floating tables, looking almost silly on top of a piece of furniture that in the real world he would never have been able to stay on without falling off.

Taiyama’s crooked smile widened. “Hehehe…” He stood up and jumped off his perch, then looked up at his son. “I knew you could do it.” It was a statement of fact, not belief--just how Taiyama had always sounded when he told Talin he had faith in him.

Talin smiled widely. “Thanks, Dad. I couldn’t have broken free without you. I guess you weren’t joking when you told me you’d be watching me from the Maker’s side, huh?”

Taiyama laughed. “Well, I COULD be that. I could also be a kind spirit, here to help—hell, maybe even Valor. Or maybe even a demon, here to lure you into another trap. That’s for you to decide, really.” His smile turned into one of melancholy. “I suppose I should be flattered, though, that your ideal world was just me coming to stay at home more. I’m sorry I couldn’t be there more for you, Son.”

Talin snorted. “Nonsense, Dad. You were the greatest father a guy could ask for.”

Taiyama shook his head. “No, the greatest father would probably be the Taiyama in that other world. I was just me, and I had to juggle my duties as a father, husband, commander of the Grey Wardens, general, and advisor to the king. You were honestly quite a surprise to your mother and me. I thought Grey Wardens were sterile but I suppose not. If it helps, though, I always tried to finish my work quickly and race home to you and Leliana.”

“I know, Dad. And that’s why you’re the greatest father I could have ever had.” Talin smiled his father’s crooked smile “Now, I need to go save my crew. We’re in the Fade, right?”

Taiyama nodded. “Yeah.” He pointed to a small, unassuming door like one that would be found in the poorest regions of great cities. “That door can take you to your crew. You remember the stories of how I journeyed through the Fade while trying to free the Circle Tower, right?”

Talin nodded. “Of course, that was always my favorite story after the Battle of Denerim. I just have to use my willpower and I can manipulate the Fade, right?”

“Right. Once you free your friends, you have to journey to the center of this domain where the demon lies. If your friends don’t join you right away, chances are they’ll be there when you get to the demon. Once again, your willpower will determine the fight—you’re not actually fighting with blades or magic but engaging in a battle of wills against your opponent. If your will is strong enough, you can take utter control of the battlefield.”

“Got it. Thanks, Dad.”

Talin began walking towards the door but Taiyama’s shouted, “Hey!” to stop him. He turned back and looked at his father. “Yeah?”

“You’re you, Talin. Make sure you know that. I’m ecstatic that you may have wanted to emulate whatever virtues I might have possessed in life—that means I was a success as a father—but remember, you’re not me. You’re Talin Surana and you have your own path to follow, your own legend to forge—one that will surpass even me! Don't get caught up in what could have been, but always press forward and only look back to learn the lessons of your failures!”

Talin smiled widely. “Of course. Just who the hell do you think I am?”

“Haha! That’s the spirit!" Taiyama was silent for a moment. "You know I'm always with you, right?" He pointed to Talin's heart. "Right there, that's where I'll always be. You're the greatest son I could have ever asked for...and I'm proud of you. No father in the history of creation has been prouder of his son than I am of you, Demon Slayer. Never forget that."

Talin smiled softly, tears beginning to well in his eyes. That had always been his goal, hadn't it? Make his parents proud--the Hero of Ferelden and his wife and cohort, two of the greatest heroes of their age--that was the main reason he had always tried so hard. Neither able to stop himself nor caring if this Taiyama was his actual father or a benevolent spirit, he hugged the shorter elf tightly.

"I love you, Dad..."

Taiyama returned the hug, smiling slightly to himself. "I love you too, Talin."

The two held each other for a few seconds that Talin treasured more than life itself, for he knew that this would be the last time he would be able to do so before he, too, followed his father into death. In the end, though, duty called. He let Taiyama go and stepped back.

"All right, wish me luck," Talin said.

Taiyama scoffed good naturedly. "Luck? You won't need it! Now, get out of here and go live up to your title! Oh, and by the way, I approve of your little friend. She’s quite cute and very sweet.”

Talin blushed slightly. “Thanks, Dad. That means a lot to me.” With renewed purpose, he turned his back to his father and walked towards the door.

“And your mom and I want grandkids pretty soon, you know!” Taiyama shouted at him as he went. “Maker knows your mother’s having a fit since you’re not her baby anymore!”

"Oh, shut up, Old Man!" Talin shouted jokingly back at him.

Taiyama chuckled then began singing a song that made Talin stop in his tracks to listen. It was his lullaby, one that Taiyama had thought up when he was a young child, afraid of the dark, and it was where Talin had gotten the nickname his father constantly referred to him by:

"There's a monster that lives 'neath your bed.
Oh for crying out loud it's a mattress on the floor.
He must be flat as a board

There's a creature that lurks behind the door
Though I've checked there 15 times
When I leave then he arrives
Every night

Tell the monster that lives 'neath your bed
To go somewhere else instead
Or you'll kick him in the head

Tell the creature that lurks behind the door
If he knows what's good he won't come here no more
Cause you'll kick in his butt at the count of four

Goodnight, demon slayer, goodnight
Now its time to close your tired eyes
There are devils to slay and griphons to ride
If they see you coming, hell, they better hide

Goodnight, goodnight, goodnight
Goodnight, my little slayer, goodnight

Tell the monster that eats children, that you taste bad
And you're sure you'd be the worst he's ever had
If he eats you, don't you fret, just cut him open with an axe
Don't regret it, he deserved it, he's a cad

Tell the harpies that land on your bed post
That at the count of five you'll roast them alive
Tell the archdemon its time you gave him his due
He should go back to the Deep Roads, he should shake in his scales
Cause the mightiest, scariest, creature is you

Goodnight Demon Slayer, goodnight
Now it's time to close your tired eyes
There are devils to slay and griphons to ride
If they see you coming, hell, they better hide

Goodnight, goodnight, goodnight
Goodnight my little slayer goodnight

I won't tell you, there's nothing 'neath your bed
I won't tell you, that it's all in your head
This world of ours is not as it seems
The monsters are real but they're not in your dreams
Learn what you can from the beasts you defeat,
you'll need it for some of the people you'll meet

Goodnight Demon Slayer, goodnight
Now it's time to close your tired eyes
There are devils to slay and griphons to ride
If they see you coming, hell, they better hide

Goodnight, goodnight, goodnight
Goodnight my little slayer goodnight

Goodnight, goodnight, goodnight
Goodnight."

As the last verses of the song began to leave Taiyama's lips, Talin--now silently crying--opened the door and stepped into tomorrow, leaving the past behind.

Author's Note: This is just an idea I got in my head and couldn't get out, so here it is as an interlude to your regularly scheduled Taiyama-Leliana romance. Maybe having the Warden actually have a blood child is a tad cheesy, but I'm a sucker for "happy endings" and Gaider himself said it's possible.

By the way, I tried going into a lot more detail on environments than I usually do and I want to know what you guys think. Too wordy? Is it better than what I usually do? I need your opinions on this, guys.

Also, you can tell when I was beginning to run out of ideas on where to go near the end there when the quality kinda plummets. Blargh.

Also, if you're wondering, Talin mentions his crew. He inherits both an insatiable curiosity and wanderlust from both parents and he always has a love of the sea (consider that he grows up right in Amaranthine, which has an ocean very close by). He pretty much does the oceanic version of walking the earth as he and his crew travel Thedas. He helps people, rights wrongs, has adventures, and seeks his fortune. His legend will probably be about as big as Taiyama's all things considered.

03/10 edit: Well, hopefully that doesn't suck quite as much as before. Let me know what you think.

Also, that lullaby of Taiyama's is an actual song that I changed a few words of to fit the world of Dragon Age: "Goodnight, Demon Slayer" by Voltaire. I couldn't resist. Not only is it a good lullaby for a fantasy setting--and it's actually the lullaby Voltaire himself sings to his son, apparently--but it's just so Taiyama for him to try and teach Talin to believe in himself like that.

Modifié par Taiyama, 10 mars 2010 - 11:38 .

[DalishRanger]

Father-son Fade bonding. B'aaaaw. XD

You're on the right track
with adding more scenery descriptions, but a few of them feel a tad
awkwardly worded. I'll have to scan around to find it, but there was
one instance where you used the world "table" about every sentence and
it felt a bit repetitive. I'd suggest varying your vocabulary just a
bit more.

Talin was a surprise, huh?  Well, I suppose it makes sense since it's very rare for Wardens to sire children post-Joining, but I still would've loved to see the look on Taiyama and Leliana's face when they found out they were gonna be parents. xD

And maybe it is a tad cheesy, but I approve of Wardens having families too. I honestly debated for quite some time whether or not to give Legam and Leliana a child born of them, and almost did (if I had, it would've likely been a girl, as I tend to make male offspring more. No surprise there, I suppose). What stopped me was that I very, very often give my characters (game PCs and completely original stories) children of their own, so I decided not to give them one of their own, but to adopt.

Besides, adoption's got a bit of a personal connection with me - my father was born to a (rather irrisponsible and wild, from what little I've heard) teen mother, and thus was given up for adoption. I know nothing of my biological background on his side, but the family who took him in is as close to blood kin to us. You really wouldn't know we weren't related by genes unless we told you. Soo... I thought maybe I should represent that side of family instead, for once.

On a final note... Sounds like Talin might've inherited a similar taste in women as his father, eh? Heheheh.

[Taiyama]

DalishRanger wrote...

Father-son Fade bonding. B'aaaaw. XD

Yeah, I was actually given the idea by reading the Calling. Not the father-son bonding but the idea of someone dead who the character loved appearing in the Fade to help the character.

DalishRanger wrote...

You're on the right track
with adding more scenery descriptions, but a few of them feel a tad
awkwardly worded. I'll have to scan around to find it, but there was
one instance where you used the world "table" about every sentence and
it felt a bit repetitive. I'd suggest varying your vocabulary just a
bit more.

Yeah, around the table thing is when the quality drop hit--I'll clean it up tomorrow. I definitely need so much work on writing, you know? I used to be so great at it but I've let myself get out of practice. I think part of it may have to do with the time I spent roleplaying on some forums. It was essentially like writing a story with others but due to the very nature of it I picked up some bad writing habits--like not describing scenery as much--that I'm currently unlearning. It's sad, but I was probably a better writer before than I am now. Ah, well. We must press forward. Always, we must press forward. I'll get better and I'd like to say thanks to all of you who give me criticism to help me get better.

DalishRanger wrote...

Talin was a surprise, huh?  Well, I suppose it makes sense since it's very rare for Wardens to sire children post-Joining, but I still would've loved to see the look on Taiyama and Leliana's face when they found out they were gonna be parents. xD

And maybe it is a tad cheesy, but I approve of Wardens having families too. I honestly debated for quite some time whether or not to give Legam and Leliana a child born of them, and almost did (if I had, it would've likely been a girl, as I tend to make male offspring more. No surprise there, I suppose). What stopped me was that I very, very often give my characters (game PCs and completely original stories) children of their own, so I decided not to give them one of their own, but to adopt.

Besides, adoption's got a bit of a personal connection with me - my father was born to a (rather irrisponsible and wild, from what little I've heard) teen mother, and thus was given up for adoption. I know nothing of my biological background on his side, but the family who took him in is as close to blood kin to us. You really wouldn't know we weren't related by genes unless we told you. Soo... I thought maybe I should represent that side of family instead, for once.

Yeah, Taiyama and Leliana fret a while about the idea of raising a child in a Grey Warden compound when most Grey Wardens who have children (like a certain someone in the Calling) have to give their children away. That'll be elaborated on later but as you can guess, they decided to raise him themselves.

DalishRanger wrote...
On a final note... Sounds like Talin might've inherited a similar taste in women as his father, eh? Heheheh.

Haha! Oedipus Complex...

In all seriousness, I dunno what she's like. But I just remembered something I forgot to put in the Author's Note, which I'll edit to include but also put here just 'cause. Since Talin inherited both a huge amount of curiosity and wanderlust from both parents, he does the oceanic version of walking the earth and pretty much sails around the world, having adventures, helping people, and seeking his fortune. Obviously, it's on one of those trips he meets the lady Taiyama mentions. Not sure if I'll ever elaborate on this but it's an interesting thing to think about. Heck, I could start a new fanfiction topic about Talin traveling through Thedas.

[DalishRanger]

Taiyama wrote...

Yeah, I was actually given the idea by reading the Calling. Not the father-son bonding but the idea of someone dead who the character loved appearing in the Fade to help the character.

Hooray for sparks of inspiration!

DalishRanger wrote...

Yeah, around the table thing is when the quality drop hit--I'll clean it up tomorrow. I definitely need so much work on writing, you know? I used to be so great at it but I've let myself get out of practice. I think part of it may have to do with the time I spent roleplaying on some forums. It was essentially like writing a story with others but due to the very nature of it I picked up some bad writing habits--like not describing scenery as much--that I'm currently unlearning. It's sad, but I was probably a better writer before than I am now. Ah, well. We must press forward. Always, we must press forward. I'll get better and I'd like to say thanks to all of you who give me criticism to help me get better.

You're still at a much better "starting" point than most fanfiction authors are at, period. Trust me, you don't ever what to read the crap I wrote during my old fanfiction days. I removed them from the 'Net for a reason. And nobody's writing is perfect. I get legitimate critiques on my work, and even when others don't catch something, frequently I find things that bug me weeks after submitting something and I go and make dozens of little tweaks. Baugh. XD;

Taiyama wrote...

Yeah, Taiyama and Leliana fret a while about the idea of raising a child in a Grey Warden compound when most Grey Wardens who have children (like a certain someone in the Calling) have to give their children away. That'll be elaborated on later but as you can guess, they decided to raise him themselves.

I look forward to reading about that conundrum when you get to it.

Taiyama wrote...
Haha! Oedipus Complex...

DalishRanger approves +3 for literary referential jargon

Taiyama wrote...
In all seriousness, I dunno what she's like. But I just remembered something I forgot to put in the Author's Note, which I'll edit to include but also put here just 'cause. Since Talin inherited both a huge amount of curiosity and wanderlust from both parents, he does the oceanic version of walking the earth and pretty much sails around the world, having adventures, helping people, and seeking his fortune. Obviously, it's on one of those trips he meets the lady Taiyama mentions. Not sure if I'll ever elaborate on this but it's an interesting thing to think about. Heck, I could start a new fanfiction topic about Talin traveling through Thedas.

Soo... He's a bit like Sinbad, minus the pirate thing? /joke

Modifié par DalishRanger, 19 février 2010 - 05:17 .

[Taiyama]

Yeah, well, the embarrassing thing is that I'm not in a starting point. I've had years of practice, written more than one story (about three or four if memory serves, all "fanfiction"--sort of, at least, considering they were set in the world of Runescape and featured my own original characters. That's why I'm ashamed of my relative lack of ability at this point. I should be better than this all things considered.

Also, I have no idea who Sinbad is. I've heard the name a couple of times, though.

Modifié par Taiyama, 19 février 2010 - 05:30 .

[DalishRanger]

Taiyama wrote...

Yeah, well, the embarrassing thing is that I'm not in a starting point. I've had years of practice, written more than one story (about three or four if memory serves, all "fanfiction"--sort of, at least, considering they were set in the world of Runescape and featured my own original characters. That's why I'm ashamed of my relative lack of ability at this point. I should be better than this all things considered.

Also, I have no idea who Sinbad is. I've heard the name a couple of times, though.

Hence the "starting" being quoted. Most skills slide if you fall out of practice.

Sinbad.

[Olwaye]

Good story. I like the gradual reveal about the fade, and the informations it give about Talin's upbringing (real and dreamed), it's a good way of giving information about a character.

Like DalishR I find some sentence/wording awkward ( then again keep in mind that English is not my mother tongue and that I lived in England, so I am probably biaised). I would have make the first sentence in to two, to give more rythme.

The table part sound to repetitive as does the use of "door" at the beginning of the second paragraph.



Doesn't sound too cheesy to me, although from personal experience, I am amazed at a father and son sharing that much words



So Talin is a seaman, he definitly got something of Sinbad, wich is very fiting for the son of Leliana as Sinbad was a master storyteller himself, the fact that it wasn't one of your cultural references just makes it better.



As for your skills I think they grow stronger.

[DalishRanger]

Olwaye wrote...
 ( then again keep in mind that English is not my mother tongue and that I lived in England, so I am probably biaised).

Before I go to sleep for the "night," I just want to point out - Olwaye, your grasp of English, from what I have seen, is quite impressive. Far, far better than my German and certainly better than my French. You do make the occasional minor goof ups, but I've yet to see anything so out of place that it makes your point unclear. This puts you way ahead of the average American teenager, sadly.

[Taiyama]

Thanks for the criticism, Olwaye. I'll be sure to edit things up later. I think another reason this kinda sucks is that I didn't really read it over well before posting--I might have noticed the goof if I had. I'll be sure to proofread my later works.

Edit: Also, I must agree with DR that your English is nigh-impeccable. It's sad that your grasp of English surpasses that of many people I know

Modifié par Taiyama, 19 février 2010 - 01:17 .

[Avaraen]

Interesting story concept; I think your forays into descriptive writing are a good start, but lacking a certain flow. For example, this paragraph snippet:

"From where he stood at the back door, there was a simple, rectangular wooden table with five chairs surrounding it in front and to the right of him, with empty space to the left for someone to walk through this room to the other rooms that were across from him. On the right of the room was a large window that let a great deal of sunlight in to illuminate the area."

That section sounds a bit like a laundry list of qualities and locations, and feels awkward with so many prepositions. The room layout is very plodding, many of the locational descriptions are rather irrelevant - you don't need to be so specific, so much as give a sense of the feeling of the room. We already know he's coming in through the back door; you could simplify and make it a bit more poetic "Talin made his way past the simple, oak dining set (etc.). Sunlight poured through a picture window (to his right), illuminating the (adjective) room ." You could include further description or perhaps a memory at (etc.) to give the room some meaning, like Talin pausing to wistfully recall familial bonding around the supper table.

This is why I don't usually critique though; I'm not particularly accomplished at such things myself to be able to give good examples, I just notice that sort of thing in others' writing. If you haven't read Tolkien, you might find some inspiration there - for all that he goes on a bit too much about trivial details, his descriptive writing tends to be rather well crafted.

[Taiyama]

Right, hi guys!



So I've basically had a hell of a week and next week is looking to be pretty hectic too. I'll edit that last post and continue with the story when I get a mo' but don't expect that to happen before March fourth. Dreadfully sorry for all this, I truly am, but college comes before all three of you who read this garbage.