The Champion of Kirkwall is one of the few people in the city that everybody knows on sight; as soon as she enters the Hanged Man, a rowdy, appreciative cheer of “Hawke!” goes out from the throat of every patron there. She is the most important person that makes appearances in their lives on a consistent basis, and it never stops being a little surreal that a wealthy noblewoman and war hero is still a regular at one of the dingiest dives in the Free Marches.
Some of the Hanged Man’s denizens claim that this is because she uses the tavern for information-gathering purposes: everything worth knowing in the city can be learned there, especially if it has to do with anything illicit. Others believe that she returns simply out of habit. You can take the refugee out of Lowtown, but you can’t take Lowtown out of the refugee. Still others argue that it is because she never really fits in with the Hightown silver-spoon set, who would rather not have to acknowledge that they all owe their lives and livelihoods to a Fereldan apostate.
None of these explanations approaches the full truth: Lily Hawke comes to the Hanged Man because that is where her dearest friends are.
Isabela, sometime trader, pirate captain, sexual libertine, and self-styled Queen of the Eastern Seas, has, for many years, been in that number. And she can’t for the life of her understand why.
On this particular occasion, she is too deep in her mug to notice the other patrons greeting their heroine. Instead of her usual place at the bar, she is sitting at a table in the corner, right in front of the fireplace; she has a better view of the front door, but she’s not paying attention to it. When she finally does notice the Champion making a beeline for her, she has to blink a few times to make sure that the mage is actually there. Weirder hallucinations have happened, after all.
But Hawke is there, which is good, because Isabela has something to say.
In all the infinite whens of their relationship, this conversation does not always happen, and when it does happen it does not always happen the same way. Sometimes it takes place in Hawke’s Hightown estate, sometimes in the Hanged Man, and sometimes in a dingy shack a few blocks away; once, memorably, it happened in the midst of a fortress under siege, when both participants were caked with blood. All of them are true, and real, and none of them have actually happened. Isabela knows nothing of them.
What she does know is this: it will end in tears.
As the Champion approaches, Isabela gathers herself. One cannot leap very far from a standing start. She needs to say important words, but it’s easier to say them if she starts with less important ones.
“You’re here.” The obvious is always the easiest to say. “Good. I…wanted to talk to you.”
The Champion sits down in the table’s only other chair. “I always have time for you, Izzy.”
She smiles awkwardly, already off balance. Then she remembers that this conversation is not a duel, and Hawke is not her enemy. “I’ve been thinking.”
Then she falters, because those words bring back a tidal wave of all the thoughts from the past day: thoughts of slavery, independence, remorse, insecurity, change, weakness, guilt, and this bizarre sensation of having lost something important. A sick black knot of tension and fear pools inside her and for a few seconds, she can’t meet Hawke’s soft gray eyes, or her gentle smile. She hates this too, because she never used to be this way. But thankfully, the Champion doesn’t say anything, and she regains her footing, and the words start to tumble out again.
“I’m glad we got rid of Castillon. I – I’m proud that we did. He had a nice ship...but it was just a ship. And knowing he’s gone…I can’t describe it. We’ve done something special for the people he wronged, and the people he was going to wrong. It’s…I’ve never done anything like this before.”
Hawke smiles even more broadly. “I guess you’ve grown a lot over the last few years.”
“I have?” Yet even in the middle of one of the most important conversations in her life, she can’t resist: “Are you saying I’m getting fat? I am reaching that age, aren’t I? Is it my ass?”
Lily’s cheeks flush and she looks away, and Isabela feels like an idiot again. “Look, I – I’m sorry.” She hasn’t used those words in a very long time, and they are all the more powerful because of it. Hawke turns back toward her in surprise.
“I said it felt good, and it did. Does. But…it’s not about hurting a bad person, or saving his victims. I mean, it is, but it isn’t. Sh*t. This is your fault, you know.”
There is no venom behind the words, and Hawke doesn’t look so much hurt as curious. “What’s my fault?”
“I did all this,” she says, “because that’s what a better person does. But I want to be a better person because of you. It’s just – the kind of sh*t I’ve done – I don’t know why you don’t hate me. You’re a real-life, honest-truth heroine and I’m…I’ve shipped slaves. I’ve killed so many people. I betrayed you for a demon. I let this city burn, and I’ve gone on my merry way giving no f*cks for any of the people I’ve hurt.”
She balls up her fists in self-reproach. Normal people – even really strong normal people – usually have normal-looking hands; when they form a fist, it looks like a fist. But Isabela’s hands look like hammers. They’re scarred over from a lifetime of killing, with this freaky stripe of super-callused discolored skin over the knuckles that make it look like she doesn’t even have knuckles at all. They are ugly as sin, a constant reminder of what she’s done over the last few decades to get where she is now.
Lily’s eyes are wet. “Do you remember what I told you three years ago? After you came back?”
“Before or after you almost got killed?”
“After,” she says. “I told you that I forgive you.”
“But the slaves…but Kirkwall…I don’t deserve it,” Isabela stammers, fighting the tears that had come sooner than she’d thought.
“It’s not about deserve. I don’t dispense justice, if it really does exist. I think you’ve seen that the line between justice and vengeance is too blurry for me.” Lily places her soft hands on top of Isabela’s. “You were who you were, but now you can be who you are. You did what you did. Now you can do what you do.”
She can’t meet this head-on unless she deflects it with humor, so she tries a lopsided smile. “I used to think I was too smart to fall for this touchy-feely sh*t.”
“And now?”
“Now, I…” But she’s not ready to jump yet, and she bites her lip. “I…sorry, I…”
Lily’s face falls. “If I’m making you uncomfortable, I can leave.”
“No!” she says desperately. “No. Please stay. I need to say this, I just don’t know how.” It’s supposed to be simple, and it is. Simple and easy are not the same thing. But as difficult as it is to say the words, leaving them unsaid would tear her heart out. So, little by little, she unclenches her fists, and raises her head to meet Lily’s gaze, and forces open her mouth, and leaps.
“What I’m trying to say is: I love you.”
She looks back down at the table, too scared to see the other’s face. “Do you…do I have a chance with you? Is the person I am now the sort of person you’d want to be with?”
After an eternity of seconds, she raises her head, and she sees Lily’s smile, and she feels Lily squeeze her wrists, and the tension and fear start to drain away. “A beautiful sassy pirate lady saunters into a goody-two-shoes shut-in mage girl’s life, acts all naughty and experienced, flirts with her every chance she gets, pops her cherry for good measure, but has to ask whether she’s still in love? What sort of answer do you think she’s going to get?”
But she’s already started, and she’s still afraid that it’s not real, and so she keeps going. “You’ll – please be patient with me, I’ve never done this before, and I’m going to try my best…”
Lily interrupts her with an “Isabela,” and waits for the stream of words coming from the pirate’s mouth to subside before she continues. “Yes. I waited for you. I will always wait for you.”
It was too much for her three years ago, after that first night. It was too much for her after the Qunari invasion, when she’d been forgiven. Even now, it’s still too much for her: being loved is a terrible and wonderful thing. But even if she still can’t meet Lily’s gaze, she can’t walk away anymore.
She settles for leaving the table to stand in front of the fireplace, pensively gazing at the flames. Then she hears Lily rise to join her. She catches Lily’s scent as the other woman comes closer, and feels a tug on her shoulder as gentle arms enfold her in a hug. She turns and gets lost in Lily’s soft gray eyes for a few eternal moments before leaning forward and pulling her into a deep kiss.
When they finally come up for air, Isabela loses herself in Lily’s eyes for a few seconds before she remembers where they are and turns to find that the entire tavern is watching. Lily notices too and lets out a little eep. Then the denizens of the Hanged Man, male and female alike, start cheering…and leering…and clapping…and hooting for more.
“Hey, sod off, you ingrates!” Isabela shouts. “That was a special moment!” Lily, on the other hand, simply flushes red all the way to the tips of her ears, and if anything the catcalling gets louder.
“Fine,” decides the pirate, “we’ll just take this somewhere else. Come on, Hawke.” She wraps her arm around Lily’s waist and chivvies her out the door, leaving the appreciative-and-also-quite-lecherous Lowtowners behind.
As they walk through the darkened streets, Lily turns back to Isabela. “Did you have something…specific in mind?”
“I thought we’d just go to your place.”
“That’s rather bold,” she teases. “A sensual pirate temptress at the Hightown manse of the Champion of Kirkwall…what would the neighbors think?”
Izzy rolls her eyes. “Oh, horsesh*t. You’ve rubbed off on me, so I intend to rub off on you. It’s only fair. Besides, I know I make jokes about Aveline, but after three years you probably creak like a rusty hinge.”
“How very considerate of you! See, you really have changed for the better.”
“That’s me,” says the Queen of the Eastern Seas. “I’m a helper.”