I love jokes. Feel free to share any you got.
Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "The other day, I was cleaning Father McInty's room and I found pornographic magazines under his bed!"
The second nun said, "I can top that. Yesterday I was cleaning Father McInty's room and I found some condoms!"
The other nuns asked, "What did you do with them?"
The second nun said, "I poked holes in them."
The third nun fainted.
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, “What are you up to there, Nancy?”
“My goldfish died,” replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.” The neighbor was concerned, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish isn’t it?”
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your damn cat.”
Little Thelma comes home from first grade and tells her father that she wants to give a valentine to Osama bin Laden.
"Why Osama bin Laden?" her father asks in shock.
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe he'll start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and then they sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place telling everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. "Thelma, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," Thelma says. "And once that gets him out in the open, the Marines can blow the crap out of him."
A man goes out to buy wine for his wifes anniversary. As he is driving back he spots a indian man walking alongside the road. He stops the car and asks him if he needs a lift. The man nods slowly and gets in. As they are driving down the road the indian notices the wine and says: "Where you get that?" The driver replies: "Oh I got it for my wife." The indian nods and says: "Mmm good trade."
Jokes! Share them here!
Débuté par
Superium
, oct. 15 2009 01:04
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#3
Guest_Bio-Boy 3000_*
Posté 15 octobre 2009 - 02:16
Guest_Bio-Boy 3000_*
Guest_Bio-Boy 3000_*
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- Guests
What do you call a dog with three legs and one nut?
Lance Armstrong.
Lance Armstrong.
#4
Posté 15 octobre 2009 - 04:10
Blessed Silence
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A cosmic joke ...
The universe ... is very gassy.
The universe ... is very gassy.
#5
Posté 15 octobre 2009 - 04:15
Marinade Plushie
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I love it!!!!Blessed Silence wrote...
A cosmic joke ...
The universe ... is very gassy.
#6
Posté 15 octobre 2009 - 06:17
AgentGeej
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S O M E T I M E S
Sometimes...
when you cry....
no one sees your tears.
Sometimes..
when you are in pain.
no one sees your hurt.
Sometimes..
when you are worried..
no one sees your stress
Sometimes..
when you are happy..
no one sees your smile ..
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But FART !! just ONE time....
And everybody knows!!
(Forgive the toilet humor I've just woken up)
Sometimes...
when you cry....
no one sees your tears.
Sometimes..
when you are in pain.
no one sees your hurt.
Sometimes..
when you are worried..
no one sees your stress
Sometimes..
when you are happy..
no one sees your smile ..
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But FART !! just ONE time....
And everybody knows!!
(Forgive the toilet humor I've just woken up
)
#7
Posté 15 octobre 2009 - 06:59
Red Viking
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Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because he was dead!
Because he was dead!
#9
Posté 15 octobre 2009 - 02:47
zorx_again
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"Mmm good trade."
Good! Don't understand the others.
#10
Posté 15 octobre 2009 - 02:48
SardaukarElite
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Why did the Koala fall out of the tree?Red Viking wrote...
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because he was dead!
- Because he was dead
Why did the second Koala fall out of the tree?
- Because he was stapled to the first.
Why did the third Koala fall out of the tree?
- Because he was still stappeling the second.
Why did the fourth Koala fall out of the tree?
- Peer pressure.
#11
Posté 15 octobre 2009 - 02:59
Superium
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zorx_again wrote...
"Mmm good trade."
The first one implies that the third nun is pregnant, the second that Little Nancy killed the neighbors cat, and the third that Thelma's plan all along was to kill Osama.
#12
Posté 15 octobre 2009 - 03:10
Ciller
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What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
*choking-gag sounds*
-joke works much better in person. O_O
*choking-gag sounds*
-joke works much better in person. O_O
#14
Posté 15 octobre 2009 - 03:12
zorx_again
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The first one implies...
Oh I see...
#15
Posté 15 octobre 2009 - 03:12
Crimson Invictus
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Ciller wrote...
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
*choking-gag sounds*
-joke works much better in person. O_O
Q: What should you give a seasick elephant?
A: A lot of room.
Modifié par Liana Nighthawk, 15 octobre 2009 - 03:16 .
#16
Posté 15 octobre 2009 - 03:13
Superium
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Roflcopter.Ciller wrote...
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
*choking-gag sounds*
-joke works much better in person. O_O
Modifié par Superium, 15 octobre 2009 - 03:14 .
#17
Posté 15 octobre 2009 - 03:17
Mordaedil
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There are 10 kinds of people in the world.
Those who understand binary and those who do not.
Those who understand binary and those who do not.
#18
Posté 16 octobre 2009 - 12:15
stevej713
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Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary, and his wife was pissed.
His wife told him "I expect to see a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in six seconds by tomorrow and it better be there!"
The next day, Bob went to work. His wife got up and ran outside to see a box in the driveway. Inside the box was a bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
His wife told him "I expect to see a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in six seconds by tomorrow and it better be there!"
The next day, Bob went to work. His wife got up and ran outside to see a box in the driveway. Inside the box was a bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
Modifié par stevej713, 16 octobre 2009 - 12:16 .
#20
Guest_ArgrA_*
Posté 16 octobre 2009 - 01:18
Guest_ArgrA_*
Guest_ArgrA_*
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What's brown and sticky?
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...a stick, get your mind outta the gutter
A man walks into a bar and falls down (think about it for a second or two)
Pete sees an idiot with a great big smile on his face jumping up and down on a manhole cover singing "32, 32, 32, 32 ...". Pete watches for 5 or 6 minutes, and the idiot seems to be having a lot of fun, so Pete walks over to the idiot and asks if he can try; the idiot looks at Pete, and agrees. Pete starts saying 32 and jumps into the air; at that moment the idiot reaches down and pulls the cover off the manhole. As Pete splashes into the sewer, the idiot replaces the cover, resumes jumping up and down, while singing "33, 33, 33, 33, 33...."
Not really jokes, but they should fit in:
One dark day,
in the middle of the night,
two dead guys get up to fight.
One was blind,
and the other couldn't see,
they used a dummy as the referee.
Back to back,
they faced one another,
drew their swords, and shot each other.
A deaf policeman heard thier cry,
And came to rescue two dead guys.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
On an early tuesday morning,
On a wednesday late at night,
I saw two thousand miles away,
A house just out of sight.
It's doors were in it's windows,
It's front was in it's back,
It stood alone between two others,
And it was whitewashed black.
edit: fixed spelling error
edit 2: fixed grammatical errors
...
...
...
...
...
...a stick, get your mind outta the gutter
A man walks into a bar and falls down (think about it for a second or two)
Pete sees an idiot with a great big smile on his face jumping up and down on a manhole cover singing "32, 32, 32, 32 ...". Pete watches for 5 or 6 minutes, and the idiot seems to be having a lot of fun, so Pete walks over to the idiot and asks if he can try; the idiot looks at Pete, and agrees. Pete starts saying 32 and jumps into the air; at that moment the idiot reaches down and pulls the cover off the manhole. As Pete splashes into the sewer, the idiot replaces the cover, resumes jumping up and down, while singing "33, 33, 33, 33, 33...."
Not really jokes, but they should fit in:
One dark day,
in the middle of the night,
two dead guys get up to fight.
One was blind,
and the other couldn't see,
they used a dummy as the referee.
Back to back,
they faced one another,
drew their swords, and shot each other.
A deaf policeman heard thier cry,
And came to rescue two dead guys.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
On an early tuesday morning,
On a wednesday late at night,
I saw two thousand miles away,
A house just out of sight.
It's doors were in it's windows,
It's front was in it's back,
It stood alone between two others,
And it was whitewashed black.
edit: fixed spelling error
edit 2: fixed grammatical errors
Modifié par ArgrA, 16 octobre 2009 - 01:21 .
#21
Posté 16 octobre 2009 - 03:06
lordstanton
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steve, that bathroom scale joke was awesome.
And now for my joke:
What was the last thing to go through the mosquitoes mind before it died?
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My windshield.
And now for my joke:
What was the last thing to go through the mosquitoes mind before it died?
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My windshield.
#22
Posté 16 octobre 2009 - 06:48
DalishRanger
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Snoteye wrote...
A dyslexic walk into a bra...
Suddenly all the great jokes I know are leaving my head... I actually have an old favorite saved to my computer, so here it is:
It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 700 students in the class!
The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail.
Half an hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.
"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.
"Yes, I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing.
After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing.
Half an hour later, the last student came up to the professor, who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. The student attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.
"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late." Snapped the professor.
The student scowled. "Do you know WHO I am?"
"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm.
"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again.
"No, and I don't care." replied the professor smugly.
"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.
Modifié par DalishRanger, 16 octobre 2009 - 06:50 .
#24
Posté 16 octobre 2009 - 12:59
Stebenator
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when Woman says "We need to talk" to his men it means "Now YOU lisen"
how many Jazz Music singers need to switch lamp? 4 because when one switch the lamp others sing how they miss that old one =)
Two cannibals are eating a clown, one turns to the other and says "does this taste funny to you?"
and one dirty joke
Boy - "dear Santa, for xmas, I would like a baby brother."
Santa - "Send me your mother."
how many Jazz Music singers need to switch lamp? 4 because when one switch the lamp others sing how they miss that old one =)
Two cannibals are eating a clown, one turns to the other and says "does this taste funny to you?"
and one dirty joke
Boy - "dear Santa, for xmas, I would like a baby brother."
Santa - "Send me your mother."
#25
Posté 16 octobre 2009 - 01:33
Superium
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Ok here are a few new ones.
How do you cure bedwetting?
With an electric blanket.
What did the male fly say to the female fly sitting on a pile of cow poo?
“Pardon me, but is this stool taken?”
A man enters a bar with his pet monkey. The man walks straight up to the bar when his monkey companion jumps on a nearby pool table grabs a pool ball and swallows it whole. The bartender, shocked, asks the man “Why in the hell did he do that?”
The man replies, “He always eats things whole.”
Two days latter the same man with his monkey go into the same bar. This time the monkey follows the man to the bar. The monkey grabs a peanut off the bar sticks it up his ass and then eats it.
The bartender shocked at this asks, “Why did he stick it up his butt first?” The man replies, “Ever since the pool ball he makes sure everything will fit.”
Two bees buzz around what’s left of a rose bush. “How was your summer?” asksbee number one.
“Not too good,” sez bee two. “Lotta rain, lotta cold. Not enough flowers, not enough pollen.”
The first bee has an idea. “Hey, why don’t you go down to the corner andhang a left? There’s a big bar mitzvah going on. Plenty of flowers andfruit.”
Bee two buzzes, “Thanks!” and takes off.
An hour later, the bees bump into each other again. “How was the barmitzvah?” asks the first bee.
“Great!” says the second bee.
The first bee peers at his pal and wonders, “What’s that on your head?”
“A yarmulke,” says bee two. “I didn’t want them to think I was a wasp.”
A rabbit running through the forest stumbles upon a deer rolling a joint. The rabbit says, “Don’t do that. Come running with me. It’s much more fun!” The deer takes off with the rabbit.
They come across an elephant doing coke. “Come running with us, elephant,” says the rabbit. “You’ll feel so good!” The elephant decides to join in the fun.The animals encounter a lion about to shoot up. Before the rabbit can say anything, the lion knocks it unconscious.
The deer screams, “Lion, what are you doing? He’s trying to help us!”The lion answers, “The turd makes me run around the forest like an idiot every time he takes Ecstasy!”
How do you cure bedwetting?
With an electric blanket.
What did the male fly say to the female fly sitting on a pile of cow poo?
“Pardon me, but is this stool taken?”
A man enters a bar with his pet monkey. The man walks straight up to the bar when his monkey companion jumps on a nearby pool table grabs a pool ball and swallows it whole. The bartender, shocked, asks the man “Why in the hell did he do that?”
The man replies, “He always eats things whole.”
Two days latter the same man with his monkey go into the same bar. This time the monkey follows the man to the bar. The monkey grabs a peanut off the bar sticks it up his ass and then eats it.
The bartender shocked at this asks, “Why did he stick it up his butt first?” The man replies, “Ever since the pool ball he makes sure everything will fit.”
Two bees buzz around what’s left of a rose bush. “How was your summer?” asksbee number one.
“Not too good,” sez bee two. “Lotta rain, lotta cold. Not enough flowers, not enough pollen.”
The first bee has an idea. “Hey, why don’t you go down to the corner andhang a left? There’s a big bar mitzvah going on. Plenty of flowers andfruit.”
Bee two buzzes, “Thanks!” and takes off.
An hour later, the bees bump into each other again. “How was the barmitzvah?” asks the first bee.
“Great!” says the second bee.
The first bee peers at his pal and wonders, “What’s that on your head?”
“A yarmulke,” says bee two. “I didn’t want them to think I was a wasp.”
A rabbit running through the forest stumbles upon a deer rolling a joint. The rabbit says, “Don’t do that. Come running with me. It’s much more fun!” The deer takes off with the rabbit.
They come across an elephant doing coke. “Come running with us, elephant,” says the rabbit. “You’ll feel so good!” The elephant decides to join in the fun.The animals encounter a lion about to shoot up. Before the rabbit can say anything, the lion knocks it unconscious.
The deer screams, “Lion, what are you doing? He’s trying to help us!”The lion answers, “The turd makes me run around the forest like an idiot every time he takes Ecstasy!”
