92 réponses à ce sujet

[Quixal]

Two men hunting in the woods, when bang! The first man calls 911, screaming, I accidentally shot my friend and think he's dead!
911 operation: Calm down sir, first of all can you check and make sure he's actually dead?
Man: hold on a second .... another loud bang comes over the phone.
Man to 911: Okay, he's dead. Now what?

Modifié par Quixal, 16 octobre 2009 - 01:42 .

[Stormherald]

Seven dwarves get into a bathtub.



Everyone felt happy so happy got out.

[Lucy Glitter]

How many indie kids does it take to screw in a light bulb.
It's a pretty obscure number, you probably haven't heard of it.

While vacationing in Turkey a second time, I couldn't keep the Arabic names straight, but I saw many familiar fezzes.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh!

Why was the crab embarassed?
Because the seaweed.

What is funnier than a piece of paper?
Nothing.

Stormherald wrote...

Seven dwarves get into a bathtub.

Everyone felt happy so happy got out.

That's horrible! 

Modifié par Lucy_Glitter, 16 octobre 2009 - 01:55 .

[Snoteye]

I couldn't understand why fish would live in saltpeter. Then I figured out that * wasn't a P but a W.

 [Edit]
In reference to that joke that isn't here anymore.

Modifié par Snoteye, 16 octobre 2009 - 01:58 .

[Lucy Glitter]

Snoteye wrote...

I couldn't understand why fish would live in saltpeter. Then I figured out that * wasn't a P but a W.

[Edit]
In reference to that joke that isn't here anymore.

Yeah it was one of my stupid jokes but I just got rid of it because of the profanity block.

[Stormherald]

[quote]Lucy_Glitter wrote...

How many indie kids does it take to screw in a light bulb.
It's a pretty obscure number, you probably haven't heard of it.

[/quote][/quote]

XD I'm totally going to remember that one.

How many Super Saiyans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just 1, but 5 episodes.

[Lord Thing]

A bear and a rabbit we're walking through a forest when they both happened upon a magical lamp. When they rubbed the lamp, a genie came out and said:

"You know the usual rules, three wishes each and you can't wish for more wishes"



Getting all excited, the bear says: "Ooh, ooh, me first! Me first! Um... well... Oh, I know! I wish I was the only male bear in the entire forest!" and *poof* he was.



The rabbit then said: "I wish for a helmet" and *poof* he got it.



The grizzly bear scratched his head and then said: "You know what, I'm gonna wish that I was the only male bear in the entire Country!" and *poof* he was



The rabbit then said "I wish I had a motorbike" and *poof* he got it



The grizzly bear then said: "You know what, I'm gonna go the whole hog. I wish I was the only male bear in the entire Universe!!!" and *poof* he was.



The rabbit then put on his helmet, got on his bike and started it up and just before roaring off into the distance he said: "I wish the bear was gay"

[Quixal]

An elder couple went to the doctor so the husband could be examined. After the exam the doctor asked the husband to leave the room.

The doctor looked at the wife very seriously and said, "I'm sorry to tell you but your husband is suffereing from a serious anxiety disorder which could end in a sudden heart attack and death. I didn't want to tell him because the shock could be enough to end his life. It is very important that you follow these instructions and it will prolong his life. Make sure you cook all of his favorite meals. Give him frequent back and neck rubs. Make love at least four times a week to ease his tension. Also, allow him to relax as much as possible and do not nag or irritate him. Allow him to do his favorite activities which do not cause stress. It might be beneficial for him to take up golfing."

The wife walked out into the hall where her husband was waiting. He nervously asked, "What did the doctor say?"

She looked at him very seriously and replied, "He said you're going to die."

[Ciller]

okay - i feel obliged to tell my co-workers joke - it is terrible and unfunny.





What do you get when you breed a chicken with a cow?



~Brown-chicken-brown-cow *70's porn music*~

[JadeHand1]

This man walks into a bar with an old shopping bag in hand. He sets the bag on top of the bar and pulls up his stool.

The bartender comes over and asks what he'll have to swill.

As he states his preference, something in the bag is moving around shaking the paper bag.

The bartender gives a puzzled look but proceeds to the tap.

As he's filling the mug, he looks at the bag again and sees that something is still moving around in the bag.

He brings the beer over and places it in front of the man.

His curiosity gets the best of him and he asks the man what he's got in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little piano and sets it on the bar... the bartender looks intently at the

piano as the man again reaches into the bag... pulling out a small piano bench.

He places the bench in front of the piano and again reaches into the bag pulling out a foot tall man.

The man sits at the piano and begins playing.

The bartender says,"wow, he sure can play the piano, where'd you get him?"

The guy looks at him and again reaches into the bag and pulls out a genie lamp.

He hands it to the bartender and says, "Here, go ahead, rub it.."

So the bartender says, "Is there a real genie in there?"

And the guy says, "Yes, just rub it and see."

So the bartender says okay and begins to rub the lamp... and out pops this beautiful genie.

She says, "I will grant you one wish, and one wish only."

So the bartender ponders this for a moment and says, "Okay, I'd like a million bucks."

The genie disappears.. and they're both waiting and waiting and nothing happens.

They both look at each other and shrug their shoulders. Then a minute later a duck pops up at the end of the bar.

They both look at each other, very puzzled, and then another duck appears... and another, and another.. and it continues.

The bartender looks at the guy and says, "I think your genie is deaf. I said I wanted a million bucks not a million ducks."

And the man says, "Yes, I know, do you think I wanted a twelve inch pianist?"

[Superium]

JadeHand1 wrote...

This man walks into a bar with an old shopping bag in hand. He sets the bag on top of the bar and pulls up his stool.
The bartender comes over and asks what he'll have to swill.
As he states his preference, something in the bag is moving around shaking the paper bag.
The bartender gives a puzzled look but proceeds to the tap.
As he's filling the mug, he looks at the bag again and sees that something is still moving around in the bag.
He brings the beer over and places it in front of the man.
His curiosity gets the best of him and he asks the man what he's got in the bag.
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little piano and sets it on the bar... the bartender looks intently at the
piano as the man again reaches into the bag... pulling out a small piano bench.
He places the bench in front of the piano and again reaches into the bag pulling out a foot tall man.
The man sits at the piano and begins playing.
The bartender says,"wow, he sure can play the piano, where'd you get him?"
The guy looks at him and again reaches into the bag and pulls out a genie lamp.
He hands it to the bartender and says, "Here, go ahead, rub it.."
So the bartender says, "Is there a real genie in there?"
And the guy says, "Yes, just rub it and see."
So the bartender says okay and begins to rub the lamp... and out pops this beautiful genie.
She says, "I will grant you one wish, and one wish only."
So the bartender ponders this for a moment and says, "Okay, I'd like a million bucks."
The genie disappears.. and they're both waiting and waiting and nothing happens.
They both look at each other and shrug their shoulders. Then a minute later a duck pops up at the end of the bar.
They both look at each other, very puzzled, and then another duck appears... and another, and another.. and it continues.
The bartender looks at the guy and says, "I think your genie is deaf. I said I wanted a million bucks not a million ducks."
And the man says, "Yes, I know, do you think I wanted a twelve inch pianist?"

Thats good hehe.

[Urgnu the Gnu]

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dog thinks, "Boy, I'm in deep doo doo now."

Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.

"Whew," says the leopard, "That was close. That dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.

So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?"

But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet.

Just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says,

"Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!"

[Snoteye]

How do you get spare parts for a Saab?











You tail another Saab and wait for the parts you need to fall off.

[Quixal]

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that, Doc?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story:

"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

Modifié par Quixal, 16 octobre 2009 - 06:47 .

[seb__]

These two strings walk into a bar and sit down. The bartender says, "So what'll it be?"
The first string says, "I think I'll have a beerquag*()^%fulkCCboorg*(^^CjfdLk jk3s d#f67howe%^U r89nvy~~owmc63^Dz x.xvcu"
"Please excuse my friend," the second string says, "He isn't null-terminated."

Modifié par seb__, 16 octobre 2009 - 06:54 .

[Quixal]

A pregnant woman gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, “Ma’am you had twins! A boy and a girl. Your brother from Maryland came in and named them.”

The woman thinks to herself, “No, not my brother… he’s an idiot!”

She asks the doctor, “Well, what’s the girl’s name?”

“Denise.”

“Wow, that’s not a bad name, I like it! What’s the boy’s name?”

“Denephew.”

Modifié par Quixal, 16 octobre 2009 - 07:03 .

[Antiuna]

One night a very lovely mother was saying good night to her very lovely daughters. As custom, she went into their room and kissed them on the forehead.

She kissed the first daughter and said, "Good night Rosie! Mommy loves you!"

Rosie, feeling inquisitive this evening, replied to her mother, "I love you too mommy! But I have always wondered, where did you come up with the name Rosie?"

The mother lovingly replies, "Well, when you were born all of my friends and relatives gave you beautiful flowers! And when I was holding you for the first time, a rose petal fell from one of those flowers and landed on your beautiful face. I decided it was a sign and named you Rosie!"

Rosie giggles with approval and wished her mother goodnight.

The mother then kisses her second daughter, Daisy, good night.

Daisy, now also curious about the origins of her name exclaims, "That was such a beautiful story! Is there a beautiful story about how I got my name as well?"

The mother smiles and replies, "Much like with your sister, when you were born all of my friends and family gave you flowers. When I was holding you a daisy fell on your forehead and I decided it was a sign, so I named you Daisy!"

Daisy also giggles in delight and wishes her mother goodnight!

The mother then approaches her third daughter and kisses her good night.

The third daughter exclaims, "GURAHWER-Gur-argle-nawwwwhhhggghhh"

"Goodnight, Cinderblock", the mother says as she leaves.

Modifié par Antiuna, 16 octobre 2009 - 08:11 .

[DalishRanger]

seb__ wrote...

These two strings walk into a bar and sit down. The bartender says, "So what'll it be?"
The first string says, "I think I'll have a beerquag*()^%fulkCCboorg*(^^CjfdLk jk3s d#f67howe%^U r89nvy~~owmc63^Dz x.xvcu"
"Please excuse my friend," the second string says, "He isn't null-terminated."

At first I went , then I realized what kind of strings you meant, and I went to . Nice one!

[JadeHand1]

DalishRanger wrote...

seb__ wrote...

These two strings walk into a bar and sit down. The bartender says, "So what'll it be?"
The first string says, "I think I'll have a beerquag*()^%fulkCCboorg*(^^CjfdLk jk3s d#f67howe%^U r89nvy~~owmc63^Dz x.xvcu"
"Please excuse my friend," the second string says, "He isn't null-terminated."

At first I went , then I realized what kind of strings you meant, and I went to . Nice one!

This reminds me of the one that goes something like this:

3 strings are standing outside a saloon. The saloon has a sign posted that reads "No Strings allowed".
The first string enters and orders a drink.
"I'm sorry, we don't serve strings here.", the bartender replies.
The string reports it's failure and the second string puffs up it's chest and enters.
"Barkeep!, I'd like to order a drink."
"Sorry, friend, we don't serve your kind here."
Dejected he returns and reports to his friends.
The third string ties himself into a knot and plays with the ends until they are unkempt before entering.
"I'd like a beer, please." he states to the barkeep.
....The barkeep eyes his patron and asks...
"Hey, aren't you a string?"

"Nope. 'Fraid Knot."

[Whitewolf]

The SAS, the Parachute Regiment and the Police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out on top. After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go down into the woods and catch a rabbit, returning with it ready to skin and cook.

Night falls.

First up - the SAS Troopers. They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark silenced "double-tap". They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes.

"Excellent!" remarks the trainer.

Next up - the Para 's. They finish their cans of lager, smear themselves with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.

"A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well done", says the trainer.

Lastly, in go the coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whisky Tango One, suspect headed straight for you..." etc. After what seems an eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.

"What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous trainer, "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you five hours ago!"

So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours, night drags on and turns to day. The next morning, the trainer and the other teams are awakened by the police, holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in bruises, one eye nearly shut.

"Are you taking the p*ss!!??" asks the now seriously irate trainer. The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks: "Alright, alright, I'm a ******* rabbit!"

[MOTpoetryION]

the best one ever

guy goes to the the store to buy a game .spends 50 $ and another 20 $ for DLC and ends up with DAO.

[Panderfringe]

A room-temperature superconductor walks into a bar.



The bartender says, "we don't serve superconductors of any kind here!"



The room-temperature superconductor leaves without any resistance.