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[A Crusty Knight Of Colour]

Greetings, I'm in the mood for another Let's Play. Carrying weak excuses for my last Let's Plays not getting finished (No Nate = No Original Sin, My W2 save files got wiped during a patch update, etc), I am here to bring you fellow scum and degenerates fine examples of humanity another Let's Play!
 

Spoiler

For about a week until I lose interest. And I will lose interest, let's be honest here.

So the game I have chosen to deface with my crap this time around is The Last Remnant!
 

The Last Remnant is a role-playing video game developed and published by Square Enix. The game is directed at both Japanese and Western audiences and had a simultaneous release in Japan, North America and Europe, on November 20, 2008 for the Xbox 360. It was released worldwide for Microsoft Windows in late March and received an international release through digital retailer Steam on April 9, 2009. A PlayStation 3 version was originally announced, but was never released.The game is set in a fictional world divided into multiple city-states inhabited by four different species and whose past includes conflicts over "Remnants," magical artifacts of varying forms. The player takes the role of Rush Sykes, a young man searching for his sister that becomes entangled in a secret war. It features a unique battle system in which the player command multiple groups, or "unions", of characters rather than individual units.

 
It has a host of technical issues, such as it's technically a mediocre game. Mediocre writing, mediocre graphics, mediocre controls, you name it. But I love it to bits for some inexplicable reason. Well, it's not completely inexplicable. I love the combat system and what it tries to do. 
 
Still, the game is pretty low-key on these forums (which usually considers Japanese RPGs to be inherently inferior outside of series like SMT/Persona). We're all about inclusivity here, unless it's about dem Japanese gaems. 
 
So, let's get started.
 

  

 
It was a wonderful day for our hero, Rush McIntosh. He was going to meet Irina and he had some very good news for her. He picked a flower for the occasion. Being a male feminist, it was important to retain a sense of delicacy and appreciation for natural beauty.
 
He finds Irina on her own at their arranged meeting place. He hands her the flower he picked, before waving around the latest Postmodernist Pulse script for her to read.
 

 
:
"Irina, look! Here! I've finished the script to your next video! Just be sure to read it over and look confidently at the camera when we record, alright?"
 
Irina on the other hand, did not share Rush's excitement.
 
:
"I don't know, Rush... all I wanted to do was make a bit of money after my tele-seminar pyramid schemes went under. I don't want all the controversy around my work to flare up like some tavern brawl. People could get hurt. Maybe even me! I've been thinking a little... maybe I should just quit while I'm ahead. What do you think?"
 
:
"Irina, don't ever say that. I'll protect you. Also, I don't need to remind you that the word 'brawl' is highly masculine, thus is sexist. Please don't internalise misogyny."
 
:
"Uhh.... okay."
 
:
"Trust me, everything will be okay. Look, we're doing good work here to smash the Patriarchy. Really good work. Very profitable. So profitable that we've been booked a spot on national TV to promote it!"



:
"Really?"

:
"Really. Now don't worry your pretty little head, Irina. Everything will be fine."

With that, Irina seems to be satisfied. With Irina reassured, Rush allows himself a smile. Pretty soon under his guidance, Irina would crush all misogynists who dared get in their way. And Rush knew that he would not rest until every straight white male saw the light, or were brought to heel. On their knees like dogs, begging for mercy. Broken and defeated. Every last one, livelihoods and lives ruined, if necessary. They all need to see the truth, or be destroyed by it. Only then would there be peace. Only then would there be equali-

The weather darkens and without warning, Rush is roughly pinned to the ground.



:
"Sockpuppets! Unhand me this instant, you cis mal- IRINA!!"

Rush screams out to Irina, but the effort is completely futile. Irina is completely unconscious. Rush's desperate cries do not reach her.



:
"Let her GO, you misogynists! How dare you! You filthy subhuman! What kind of a monster are you?"


"I am... #NotYourShield."

The subhuman misogynist clicks his fingers and they fly away, Irina was gone. Just like that. Rush was all alone.

As the wind howls all around him, our plucky hero begins to find his resolve. He can't just give up on her. Irina was in distress, and she needs him. He stood up, arms outstretched, and let the cold air snap at him. He learned long ago that any male feminists needed to be uncomfortable to truly make progress. So he made a habit out of making himself uncomfortable whenever, and however he could. Finally, he spoke to himself, cementing his course of action.

:
"I have no choice now. They have taken Irina. I must save her. I must take them on. All of them, if I have to."



:
"I must destroy #GamerGate."

[Fast Jimmy]

The male must save the damsel in distress?

Too hetero-cis. 0 neck beards out of 10.

[Kaiser Arian XVII]

This game sound familiar but I can't remember it exactly...

I like good cliches, like fighting evil demons. And Japanese media/games are misogynist by default... Samurai spirit in the society!

[BroBear Berbil]

So Irina is viewed as property to be fought over by the male protagonist and antagonist. This really needs a trigger warning because I'm literally crying right now.

 

Side note: This game is in my backlog. I've tried to play it 3 times and I lose interest within 2 hours.

[Ridwan]

The male must save the damsel in distress?

Too hetero-cis. 0 neck beards out of 10.

I laughed out loud.

[NWN_baba yaga]

When you think this is funny you are just tricked by your indoctrinated mind. Nothing should be funny. God does not wants to have funny people, god is a serious business and We the catholic church of the 13th -15th century will burn every funny person for his own redemption. Burn the fun alive!

[mybudgee]

Let's not

[A Crusty Knight Of Colour]

The male must save the damsel in distress?

Too hetero-cis. 0 neck beards out of 10.

[TheBunz]

Misogyny really?

[A Crusty Knight Of Colour]

:
"BioWare. I'm sure to find allies here. The Lord of BioWare has been very welcoming of Irina and I in the past. He will no doubt help."

Rush wastes no time, and briskly makes his way to the City Castle, where the Lord of BioWare resides and rules over his people.



Our hero confidently strides into the throne room and upon spotting the Lord of BioWare, addresses him in a booming voice.

:
"Lord David. David Gaider. I am pleased to see you. BioWare has never looked more diverse. I daresay it has been led by very capable hands."



The dashing, suave, charming, full-haired young lord greets our hero in kind.

:
"Rush, it is good to see you! Indeed, our Kingdom has experienced a new paradigm of equality and prosperity. We have synergised our old audience with our new one and have created a safe space fo-"

:
"Irina's been kidnapped, David."

Lord David was aghast.

:
"WHAT? But she's so well liked!"

:
"That may be the case, Lord David, but we know who doesn't like her..."

:
"Those #GamerGate misogynist fucks! DO THEY HAVE NO ETHICS?!"

Rush snorted.

:
"Why would they? They believe that their "hobbies" and activities have no real world consequences. They like to partake in mass murder as their primary conflict resolution. They weaponize gay marriage and they prefer it when women (and men) are sexualised. They would even fetishize mail boxes. There are no ends to which these privileged few would go for the sake of their "fun". The world will be a much better place once they, and those that cater to them, are removed from the gene pool."

:
"Truer words have never been spoken. Luckily, we've received word that a group of #GamerGate rebels have been congregating near our city. You should go investigate. I'll send Pagus Schumacher to go with you."



:
"Looking forward to working with you, Rush!"
 


They make their way to the #GamerGate dissident meeting area. Pagus attempts to make small talk, but Rush is more focused on rescuing Irina.

:
"So, Rush. Are there any games you like to play?"

:
"Smashing the Patriarchy is a game I like to play. Now keep your mouth shut, Pagus. I want to find these #GamerGate oppressors much more than you do. And the sooner we can find them at their secret public meetings, the sooner I can step in and save Irina."



It wasn't long before they found what they were looking for.

:
"Brothers! Sisters! Sockpuppets! Hear me! We don't need gaming journalists! They said we weren't needed! That we were over! That we were dead! But we aren't dead! We are Gamers! We tire of their moral hand-wringing! We don't need their gender politics polluting the review scene! Their collusion to spin narratives and blacklist opposing views does real harm, and they say we are the evil ones? I'll let you in on a secret: they are the ones who are no longer needed! Gamers aren't dead, corrupt gaming journalism is dead!"

Rush shook his head in disbelief.

:
"These oppressor pissbabies, they don't even see how their sociopathic cult is really all about harassing poor Irina. I've heard enough. Let's kill them."

Pagus nods in agreement, equally disgusted at the propaganda being spewed by the mouth of this anonymous anime avatar wielding #GamerGate leader.





Rush, Pagus and their guard of BioWare footsoldiers quickly moved in on the dissidents, de-moralising them in short order. Many of the armed terrorists ended up dead or captured. The anime avatar leader one of the former rather than latter.



Rush and Pagus fruitlessly questioned many of the captured dissidents, many even denying knowledge of who Irina even was. Disingenuous, but what else could one expect from Patriarchal terrorists?

:
"There's nothing of use we can learn here, Rush. We ought to return to the Castle and report this to Lord David. Maybe he's run up another lead."

It was sound advice, but Rush was disappointed nonetheless. He was hoping to find the villain who kidnapped his precious Irina, but all he found were a pack of twitter sheeple. Our hero merely grunts and lets Pagus lead the way. Lord David had to have news. He had to.

[Isichar]

Mail box fetish...? XD!

[A Crusty Knight Of Colour]

:
"Your information was worthless, we found nothing."

:
"I understand that you were not able to find Irina, but I have pressing matters I need you to assist with. As you know already, Megaphones are scattered all around the world. A powerful Megaphone can affect even the environment around it. The Megaphone 'Gay Bolg' is currently bound to me, and other Megaphones are bound to other souls, allowing the chosen to do great things."

:
"I don't see what this has to do with saving Irina."

:
"It doesn't but I am also Lord of BioWare and I have responsibilities to carry out. Now, unbound (i.e Rogue) Megaphones can cause misfortunes and calamities if left unbound for too long. I've become aware of the existence of an unbound Megaphone near this place. I want you and my generals to investigate."

:
"Again, why do I need to come?"

:
"My generals will go regardless, but I would've thought you would be interested, Rush. If you get your hands on a Megaphone, you could become very powerful in a very short amount of time."

:
"Tch. Fine. But this better not be a smokescreen for the rampant misogyny and rape culture prevalent in BioWare that I suspect is happening."

:
"U-uhh, j-just go."

They leave immediately.



Rush, along with BioWare Generals Pagus Schumacher, Emma Merizan, Blocter Modtwo and Torgal Epler head towards the Megaphone.



Upon hearing voices, they tip toe and hide behind a nearby pillar in order to learn more information. Blocter Modtwo, as the BioWare General most experienced on the frontlines, assumes point.



They see two men, talking to each other next to an absolutely humongous glowing ball. That could the Megaphone Lord David referred to, but it looked like no megaphone Rush had ever seen.





:
"IRINA?!"

While BioWare's Generals urged patience and discretion, Rush knew deep down that he had to be a true feminist. He had to stand up to the Patriarchy, and not simply allow Irina to be in their grasp for even a single second longer.



Rush roughly shoves Emma Merizan, knocking her to the ground and dashes towards his beloved Irina.

 

 

The eccentric looking, finely dressed man signals to the subhman holding Irina that it was time to leave. The two of them depart before Rush is able to make them pay for being unrepentant cis-het oppressors, treating women as if they were insignificant objects.

 

Rush growls in frustration before the 'Megaphone' begins to glow.

 

 

The Megaphone explodes in a flash of light, knocking our hero back forcefully.

 

As the Generals rush over to our hero and help him up, they realise that the 'Megaphone' was gone.

 

Rush was so close. Yet he had nothing to show for it.

 

They return to Lord David to deliver the news. Unfortunately, they would be coming back to the young handsome ruler empty handed. Rush was bitterly disappointed and needed someone to blame. Fortunately for Rush, he found a target to direct his anger at.

 

 

Unfortunately for Lord David, he takes his rage and frustration out on BioWare.

 

:

"I HAD THEM, DAVE. I WAS SO CLOSE. BUT YOUR GENERALS GOT IN MY WAY. YOU USELESS HACKS. YOU PRETEND TO BE FEMINISTS BUT YOU'RE ALL THE SAME. STRAIGHT WHITE SHITLORDS. THERE'S NO DOUBT YOU AND YOUR GENERALS ARE PROMINENT EXAMPLES OF MISOGYNY. I DON'T NEED THIS TOXIC CULTURE OF MASCULINITY YOU PERPETUATE.

 

:

"On behalf of BioWare and Lord David, I am very sorry you feel that way. Just know that we are true Listeners and Believers and that you're always welcome here, Rush McIntosh."

 

Rush scoffs at Pagus' weak justification for not attacking the #GamerGaters head on. With that, our hero leaves the BioWare Keep for the time being, convinced he will find Irina another way.

 

[A Crusty Knight Of Colour]

 

Irina sighs. She had not been roughly treated, but she was still a victim nonetheless. She didn't want to be, but she found herself being a victim her whole life. At least she wasn't afraid to let the world know how victimised she really was. What consumed her thoughts for the moment however, was turning the tables on her captors and escaping from this sexist hellhole. But deep down, she knew she couldn't do it. Not without Rush to tell her what to do, at least.

 

 

:

"Hey, I know you're down. But please, eat something."

 

:

"I will not take part in some bizarre food fetish you have that allows you to treat me like some sort of sexualised object. Do you even realise how sexist that is?![/i]

 

:

"Umm... okay? I thought you might be hungry is all."

 

:

"Hmph."

 

 

Irina really disliked the man in white. While he wasn't specifically committing stare rape, the way he looked at her invaded her safe space, which was uncomfortable enough to potentially give her PTSD. Luckily, Mr. Privilege (as she had come to call him), soon left the room with the Misogynist of Colour, giving Irina some time alone, to think of better things.

 

 

:

"I'm telling you, I don't like kidnapping that girl. And I certainly don't like being her babysitter. Can't we just let her go?"

 

:

"No, she's far too important to the plan. It is regrettable, but we can't let her go."

 

:

"Look, I understand Postmodernist Pulse has a large audience. But how does kidnapping her help stop the infiltration of radical Cultural Marxists into mainstream society?"

 

:

"Actually, it's about ethics in games journalism. But I am just following my orders. As you should follow yours. And I have new ones for you. You dislike playing babysitter to her? Fine. I am giving you a new task. We encountered some BioWare lackeys earlier and that Rush brat too. They might be a thorn in our side if we aren't careful. So, I want you to personally oversee the gathering and activation of all Megaphones necessary for the fruition of our plan. That should keep you sufficiently busy, yes?"

 

:

"It'll do. For now."

[A Crusty Knight Of Colour]

*coughs*

[Inquisitor Recon]

9/10, should be a movie tbh.

[Jock Cranley]

Rather interesting writing.

 

 

I may contact you to write my next campaign speech.

[Isichar]

I'm faaaaaaar too entertained by this thread. One of the single funniest things I've read in a while tbh. please keep going

[Fast Jimmy]

Ha! How did so many of these posts sneak in under the radar?

Bloctor Modtwo, indeed. Lol Keep up the good work. Or... you know, at least save all of this in a Word doc for when it gets deleted.

[valium]

not enough jack thompson

[AventuroLegendary]

Is it bad that I've been willfully ignorant about the whole #GamerGate thing?

 

Still pretty funny, though.

[Allan Schumacher]

Thread closed.