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[Hanako Ikezawa]

Hello Bioware, 

 

I am writing this thread to offer a suggestion I would like to see for future Bioware games. Bioware has been very representative of the various sexualities that exist in the world. From introducing homosexual women characters with Juhani in Knights of the Old Republic, to introducing bisexual characters with Silk Fox and Sky in Jade Empire, to introducing homosexual male characters with Steve Cortez in Mass Effect 3, to introducing pansexual characters with The Iron Bull, and even thinking of possibly introducing an asexual character in a future title. With such an impressive resume for representation, I would like to humbly suggest that in the future Bioware also adds demisexual characters as well. 

 

For those reading this and do not know what demisexuality is, I will post the explanations below: 

 

A demisexual is a person who does not experience sexual attraction unless they form a strong emotional connection with someone. It's more commonly seen in but by no means confined to romantic relationships. The term demisexual comes from the orientation being "halfway between" sexual and asexual. Nevertheless, this term does not mean that demisexuals have an incomplete or half-sexuality, nor does it mean that sexual attraction without emotional connection is required for a complete sexuality. In general, demisexuals are not sexually attracted to anyone of any gender; however, when a demisexual is emotionally connected to someone else (whether the feelings are romantic love or deep friendship), the demisexual experiences sexual attraction and desire, but only towards the specific partner or partners.

 

When describing demisexuality as an orientation to sexuals, sexuals often mistake it as an admirable choice rather than an innate orientation. Demisexuals are not choosing to abstain; they simply lack sexual attraction until a close relationship is formed.

 

According to one hypothetical model, a person who identifies as a demisexual does not experience primary sexual attraction but does experience secondary sexual attraction. In this model, primary sexual attraction is based on outward qualities such as a person's looks, clothes, or personality while secondary sexual attraction is attraction stemming from a connection, usually romantic, or from status or how closely the person is in relationship to the other.

 

Though factors such as looks and personality do not affect primary sexual attraction for demisexuals (since demisexuals do not experience primary sexual attraction), such factors may affect romantic attraction, as with any other orientation.

 

Primary vs Secondary Sexual Attraction Model

Spoiler

This hypothetical model of sexuality takes the position that sexual attraction and desire can each be subdivided into "primary" and "secondary" forms:

Primary Sexual Attraction: A sexual attraction to people based on instantly available information (such as their appearance or smell) which may or may not lead to arousal or sexual desire.

Secondary Sexual Attraction: A sexual attraction that develops over time based on a person's relationship and emotional connection with another person.

Primary Sexual Desire: The desire to engage in sexual activity for the purposes of personal pleasure whether physical, emotional, or both.

Secondary Sexual Desire: The desire to engage in sexual activity for the purposes other than personal pleasure, such as the happiness of the other person involved or the conception of children.

One of the strengths of this model is that it clearly distinguishes demisexuals from both sexuals and asexuals. Most sexuals in romantic relationships feel both primary and secondary sexual attraction. The term demisexual, under this model, tends to refer to people who experience only secondary sexual attraction; this attraction can result in primary sexual desire. Since asexuals experience neither primary nor secondary sexual attraction, they cannot experience primary sexual desire. However, since they can experience secondary sexual desire, this model accounts for the sexual behavior of some asexuals.

 

Primary Attraction?

Sexual:Yes

Demisexual:No

Asexual:No

 

Secondary Attraction?

Sexual: Yes

Demisexual: Yes

Asexual: No

 

Primary Desire?

Sexual: Yes

Demisexual: Yes

Asexual: No

 

Secondary Desire?

Sexual: Yes

Demisexual: Yes

Asexual: Yes

 

"Demisexual" is sometimes out under the gray-A umbrella. Demisexuality differs from gray-asexuality in that demisexuality is a specific sexual orientation in between "sexual" and "asexual", whereas "gray-A" is a highly unspecific catch-all used for anything between sexual and asexual that does not fit.

 

Demisexuality may make forming romantic or sexual relationships more difficult for some people. Demisexuals often make first impressions with sexuals of being "just friends", which may make them sexually value the relationship less.

 

Demis may also append a gender orientation to the label, as in "Demi-heterosexual".

 

If you still do not understand, here are explanations of what demisexuality is and how to tell if a person(or character in this case) is one. Due to length, I will have these in spoilers:

 

What is Demisexuality?

Spoiler

Demisexuality is a sexual orientation in which one feels sexual attraction only after forming an emotional bond. Most demisexuals feel sexual attraction rarely compared to the general population, and may also have little to no interest in sexual activity. Keep reading to understand more about this orientation.

 

What is the emotional bond demisexuals need for sexual attraction?

 

It varies based on the demisexual’s personal experiences and is slightly different for everyone. Emotional intimacy is a main component, usually, so some demisexuals find themselves attracted to close friends or romantic partners. Other components may include familiarity with the person and knowledge about them (ex: learning about aspects of their personality).

However, forming an emotional bond doesn’t guarantee that sexual attraction will happen. It is just a prerequisite for it to occur at all. The length of time required to develop an emotional bond may vary. For some demisexuals, it’s after several years of being close friends with someone, and for others, it might be a short but intense experience, such as traveling abroad for a week with them.

 

Isn’t it normal to only want sex after getting to know someone?

 

There’s a difference between feeling sexually attracted to someone and wanting to have sex with them. Sexual attraction isn’t something you can control—either you have sexual feelings for someone or not. You can’t force it to happen and you can’t force it to go away, so you don’t have a choice in the matter. Sexual behavior, on the other hand, is something you can choose to participate in, or not.

Most people on the non-asexual side of the spectrum feel sexual attraction regardless of whether or not they have a close emotional bond with someone. They may have sexual feelings for attractive people on the street, classmates or coworkers they’ve barely spoken to, or celebrities. However, they may choose to wait to have sex for a variety of reasons: it might not be feasible or appropriate, they want to make sure the person is respectful and kind, it’s against their religious beliefs, they only want to have sex in a romantic relationship, etc. The difference is that demisexuals don’t start out with these sexual feelings at all.

 

How does demisexuality relate to asexuality and the asexual spectrum?

 

Asexuality is a sexual orientation in which one feels little to no sexual attraction or interest in sex (the former definition is more widely used, but some asexuals use the latter definition. Both are valid and accepted.) Demisexuals are considered to be on the asexual spectrum, meaning they are closely aligned with asexuality, but not quite asexual. The asexual spectrum has asexuality on one end and non-asexuality on the other end.

 

Demisexuals are considered part of the asexual community because for the most part, they don’t feel sexual attraction. Many demisexuals are only attracted to a handful of people in their lifetimes, or even just one person. Many demisexuals are also uninterested in sex, so they have a lot in common with asexuals.

 

The thing that makes them different from asexuals is that they are capable of feeling sexual attraction—it’s just that it only happens after they form a deep emotional bond with someone.

 

How do demisexuals feel about sex?

 

According to the Asexual Awareness Week Community Census, the majority of demisexuals are uninterested in and/or repulsed

by sex. However, there are many that enjoy it. Demisexuals have a variety of feelings about sex and other sexual activities, like masturbating and watching porn, so it’s hard to make statements about the group as a whole. All feelings about sex are valid in a demisexual identity: the only thing that defines demisexuals is that they only feel sexual attraction after forming an emotional bond.

Whether or not they feel sexually attracted to someone or not, they can choose to have sex too. They might want to have sex in order to get pregnant, to see what it’s like, or some other reason.

 

Why do demisexuals need a label?

 

The label helps demisexuals form a sense of community and a stronger sense of self. Through this label, they learn that there are others like them out there, and that there’s a community to support them. In this community, demisexuals can talk to others who share the same experiences, share advice on navigating a very sexual world, and find emotional support. The community unites around this label, which helps its members feel more secure in their identities.

 

Many demisexuals grow up feeling different from those around them. Most people have their first instance of sexual attraction in late childhood or their preteen years. From that point on, sex becomes a topic of curiosity and interest for them, and they eventually look forward to pursuing it. For children and teens in school, there is a lot of talk about sex—what it’s like, what it’ll be like, etc. This becomes more prevalent as they approach college and early adulthood.

 

Demisexuals often feel alienated by these conversations because they aren’t interested in sex, they don’t find people attractive, or both. When the conversation turns to hot celebrities, for example, demisexuals may feel confused, and wonder what it is their friends see and feel. They wonder if they will eventually feel it too, and some even end up feeling “broken.” Knowing that there are others like them helps demisexuals feel less alone.

 

Telling if you/someone is demisexual:

Spoiler

1. You are not interested in sex.

 

The majority of demisexuals are repulsed by or indifferent towards sex. Maybe sex is something you’re okay never having (even for the rest of your life), or maybe it even grosses you out. Maybe you just forget, on a regular basis, that sex is something that people do. When the conversation turns to sex, you tune out, are confused about how to respond or participate, or just feel uncomfortable or awkward. Maybe you get really excited about other things like riding your bike, or working on a new painting, and would rather do anything else than have sex.

 

2. The way you think about attractiveness seems to be different from how other people think about it.  

 

This happens to a lot of school-age demisexuals: peers start talking about sex and crushes, and the demisexual senses a disconnect. Perhaps you can find people good-looking, or there’s a celebrity you admire. When asked about crushes, you deflect the question or give a made up answer. Or maybe you do have a crush, but are more interested in getting to know them and spending time with them than having sex with them. The word “hot” doesn’t mean much to you, especially when applied to real people.

Maybe you don’t have sexual urges, or you don’t get what the big deal is about watching porn or going to a strip club or putting up posters of half-naked, muscular people. Perhaps you find people much more attractive when dressed sharply, than when naked.

 

3. The way you think about sex seems to be different too.  

 

You don’t really have the urge to have sex, and you don’t masturbate often, if at all. Alternately, you are happy to please yourself through masturbation whenever it suits you, but you don’t understand why orgasms have to involve another person.

Maybe when you think about sex, it’s more as a thing to observe rather than participate in. Or maybe for you, it makes more sense as an expression of love and intimacy than as a satiation of a craving.

 

4. You like the idea of sex or want to have it, but can’t think of anyone you’d do it with.  

 

This experience is particularly common for demisexuals. You might be fine discussing sex with other people, or maybe you also watch porn and masturbate. Maybe you do get excited by sex scenes in movies, and maybe you’re excited by things like sex toys and lingerie. You don’t really feel like you think about sex differently than other people.

However, there’s just one problem. When you think about who you’d have sex with, you draw a blank. It’s like when you’re hungry and you open the fridge only to find nothing appealing. Maybe you go to parties and people watch, expecting one person to stand out as Sexually Attractive, but no one does, no matter how much you look.

 

5. You view sex as an obligation, or have other reasons for doing it.  

 

Perhaps you found yourself having sex with a past partner because you felt obligated, because sex was just “what you do” in a relationship, or because you thought you’d like it if you tried it. Maybe you focused on doing the right thing to please your partner, rather than really getting into it physically or emotionally. Or maybe you found the sensations pleasurable, but just couldn’t connect with your partner. You find yourself pretending to be into it, and never initiate. Ultimately, maybe you just don’t understand why people hype sex up so much.

 

6. Flirting doesn’t make sense to you.  

 

Maybe it goes right over your head, or it makes you uncomfortable. The idea of flirting seems pointless—why do that when you can have a proper, deep conversation and get to the know the person instead? Maybe when someone gets flirty, you just have no idea how to respond and would prefer to run in the other direction. You feel frustrated that you can’t just talk to someone normally—why do they have to hit on you? Your friends point out that people were flirting with you or checking out out later, or you realize only belatedly. You tend to avoid situations, like parties or clubs, where you can expect lots of flirting, and if you do, you’re either on high alert or happily oblivious.

 

7. You’re nervous about dating and would prefer to date your friends.  

 

Maybe you’d like to be in a relationship, but the whole casual dating thing doesn’t appeal to you. How can people have sex with someone after only a few dates? How can they have sex with someone they just met? Do people really expect sex on the first date? Yikes!

You can only do long term relationships, because you seek great emotional intimacy before getting physical, if at all. You find the whole idea of dating different people daunting or too much effort. Sometimes you end up in relationships without really feeling attracted to the person.

The idea of dating your friends may make more sense to you because you only develop sexual feelings towards people you know well. Maybe you find yourself developing sexual attraction after becoming close friends with someone.

 

8. When you do feel sexual attraction, it’s confusing and/or exclusive.  

 

Because of their low frequency of sexual attraction, demisexuals may be confused when they do feel it. They may not recognize it for what it is. That warm fuzzy feeling when snuggling with a friend? Strange, but probably just the warm fuzzies. For a demisexual, maybe the idea of having sex with the friend doesn’t seem totally terrible. In fact, it might be quite good. But with anyone else, it would definitely be terrible.

For some demisexuals, when they have sexual feelings for one person (like when they’re in a relationship), it’s impossible to imagine being attracted to someone else. They can't imagine physically cheating on a partner, simply because they don’t find anyone else sexually attractive.

 

To Bioware and whoever else is reading this, I appreciate the time you took to do so. Please feel free to add any input you wish. Thank you. 

[Allan Schumacher]

I totally agree.  I think it was his way of, not very eloquently, telling people that she was bisexual.  Period.  Not straight if you were a guy and bisexual or lesbian if you were a gal.  I don't think he's ever stated either way if she could be demisexual because I don't think he's really thought about it, to be honest.

 

I think part of it is in how you described the character here:

 

Straight if you were a guy.

Bisexual or lesbian is you were a gal.

 

 

I was open to the idea of of "Sure whatever, playersexual if that's what you want, it's all alternate universe stuff" I recanted on it, however, after talking with people. Bisexual erasure is pretty common and there's this weird notion that unless a person sees someone being unambiguously attracted to both a man and a woman, we can deny their bisexuality.  It also feeds into stereotypes of promiscuity too.  I know some bisexuals that get upset at the notion of their bisexuality being a "convenience" too, and it's something that bothers them.  My understanding is that bisexuals often get scrutinized by both heterosexual and homosexual people, and can be referred to as indecisive and greedy, so I can understand if there's some level of "Hmph."

 

As such, I'd rather be clearer about it and now echo that the love interests in DA2 all happened to be bisexual.

 

Demisexuality, as I understand it, is sexual attraction that isn't based on physical appearances, and yes I agree with your statement that it's on a different scale than heterosexual-heterosexual.  I don't see any contradiction in referring to Merrill as a demi bisexual, and that nothing in the game really contradicts that perspective.