Maker, I failed her…
Sweating, shaking, lying alone, awakened at the middle of the night. Body trembling so hard.
Her presence in every corner of my mind, her voice, her touches. These memories haunts me…I can’t… I can’t….
Screaming inside, holding the tears, his body feels numb. He wants to die.
Walking on the battlements, her hands in mine, her hazel eyes golden under the morning sun. She smiled, her eyes so warm.
Her images could not stop replaying themselves in his mind, in waking moments, in his nightmares.
Here in my office, when she brought me tea with honey. “It will make your lips curl up a little,” she said, smiling warmly.
Her face keeps haunting him, lurking in every corner. Hurting, screaming.
Her skin against mine, at night she curled like a ball beside me when we slept… Her hands clutching mine, she held me and whispered softly every time I was caught in nightmares, saving me...
Every piece of his memory of her hurts him. It’s killing him. Pain. So much pain.
Her forehead against mine, my hand on her cheeks… That day she bade me farewell without any word. How could I don’t even realize what price she would have to pay for this victory? How could I let her walked to her death?
Demons asked questions that hurt him in his dreams. New stabs to be added to half-healed wounds from the past. He asked himself the same questions at every waking moment.
My arms around her body, soaked with her blood. Her body felt so small, so fragile. How could we put so many burdens on her? For our own cause, for our own survival. For our own selfishness.
Guilt hurts him, chains him, cages him. He can’t get out.
We sent her there to save our neck, at the price of her life… I sent her to her death.
I want to help. She asked me to help him, her eyes urging me. I need to help him. He is in so much pain.
Maker, I failed her. And now she’s dead. It’s entirely my fault. I should’ve been faster, I should’ve arrive sooner. I shouldn’t be so selfish and take that blasted Lyrium. Then I would’ve been able to save her.
I gave him back his coin, she wanted him to have it back. It was precious to him, to her. She said that it would help. But he threw it against the wall. It made him vomit.
I should have been the one dead. I should have been the one taking that fatal blow, not her. Maker, forgive me…
If only I can make him stop hurting. If only I can take away all his pains…
Why, why do you take her away from me? Why…
His faith is shaken. She said that Faith is his strongest shield. His Faith keeps him alive, it sees him through all these years. She did not want him to lose that. I need to help. I must help.
Maker, please kill me now, if this is only another cruel joke of Yours…
Her face twisted from the pain, but her eyes so intent when she told me her last wish. She wanted him to keep living. If only I can make him forget the pain. If only I can make him forget…
That way I will join her once again. For good this time…
That’s it. That’s what I’ll do. I will make him forget. No memories of her, no pain. And I help. “…Hello?”
What…? Who…? Cole…? I didn’t see him coming. How long had he been there in the corner? Maker…
“I can make you forget. I want to help.”
I… But…
“You don’t have to remember. You can just forget. And the pain will go away.”
“Cole…”
“Her memories hurt you, stab you in the chest in every breath. If they are gone you will stop hurting.”
“Cole… please…”
“I can fix it for you. I can make you forget the bad things.”
“Cole… please, don’t.”
“But why? If you forget it won’t bother you anymore”
He’s a spirit, how can he understand? How can I explain to him? I don’t want to forget. I want to remember...
“But why do you want to remember? It makes you suffer.”
“Cole… Whatever pain I suffer, I will endure it. I don’t want to forget. Can you understand that?”
“…No…? Why do you want to keep the pain? I don’t like pain. It hurts people, make them sad. It hurts you.”
I know, Cole. Trust me that I know. It’s like back in Ferelden Tower all over again… Lyrium deadened the pain back then, make everything blur. But I had sworn to myself that I won’t touch that vile stuff anymore. And the cost of my selfishness is her life. If remembering her means that I get my share of punishment then let it be.
“But she said that she wanted you to keep on living. She did not want you to blame yourself. She asked me to help you. Before she’s gone…”
She… did? Well of course she did. That sounds so much like her…Always thinking of others even at times like that. Always caring, always be there, even if she was herself in pain. “Cole… Keep on living means keeping the good and the bad side by side. Forgetting won’t help. I need to remember.”
“Even if it hurts a lot when you do?”
“Yes, even if it hurts a lot. Let me have this one. Please.” Maker… How I miss her so badly already… To imagine a life without her… I can’t…
“Your chest feels like exploding every time you think of her, haunts you in every waking moment, in every dream. Vomiting, shaking, trembling, crying in the dark… Pain, pain, so much pain. She wants you to live, to heal.”
“She was the best thing that had ever happened to me in my life. I treasure all my memories of her, every single one. The good ones and the bad ones. I always had, and I always will for the rest of my life. Please, don’t take them from me. That’s the only thing I have of her now.” Maker, give me strength to endure until the time when I will be with her again…
“But I want to help.”
You did. Believe me you already did.
“I… helped?”
Yes. Thank you.
***
Maker, though the darkness comes upon me,
I shall embrace the light. I shall weather the storm.
I shall endure.
What you have created, no one can tear asunder.
-Trials 1:10
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