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[legbamel]

I've posted the first 8 chapters of my Cullen fic and I was wondering if you folks would be willing to give me a little feedback on it.  I feel like I'm having a hard time balancing lore explanations, head canon, and the actual character.  Some of the earliest chapters may need tweaking based on reveals in Inquisition.

 

I started Transmutation to explain what Cullen went through in the time he spent imprisoned.  It changed him, turned him from an infatuation with a mage to hatred and fear.  What happened to him?  How did he become the only one to survive?

Because I don’t do well with torture and it’s hard for me to bring so much pain to my characters it took a ridiculously long time to write the story.  I’m still unhappy with the mages, as they’re such broad caricatures, but they’re possessed by demons and, sheesh, how else can you explain that they had Cullen and potentially other imprisoned until your Warden could be bothered to go save him (weeks or potentially months!) without including some serious moustache twirling?

By the time I neared completion Inquisition came along and suddenly not only could he have what he never had but everything they told me about him fit smoothly into my head canon.  Now I’m considering dragging the story out through the changes Kirkwall and Meredith bring out in him and into his relationship with the Inquisitor.  I’ve been possessed myself, with an idea of how their first time together will affect him and how it will strengthen their bond.  At this point I don’t know if I’ll ever get there, though!

 

Transmutation

[Cerulione]

Have you considered to post them also in FF.Net and AO3? You might get more readers there.

[legbamel]

I have but it would rather defeat the purpose of having a blog.    Most of my stuff used to be on FF.net but I moved it over so I could keep everything in one place and post some of the more...grown-up stuff more comfortably.

[Aunty Social]

In the process of reading now, my friend  Im so sorry it takes me so long to read/give feedback.  Sometimes I want to throw all the things  Will update this (hopefully later tonight, or tomorrow night if I run out of time).

[legbamel]

No hurry!   I've got 8 chapters posted and it's only now gotten to the meat of things. there are a dozen more before he gets rescued, at least (depending how many detours the story takes along the way).  I'm having a hard time with torture.   Cullen's really going through the wringer but it's the only way I can head canon some of his comments in DA2 and his character arc through all three games.

[Caja]

I've read the first chapter. Apologies, that it takes so long. Unfortunately, I have to go to the hospital on Tuesday and I won't have internet access from there. I hope that I can give some proper feedback the week after .

[legbamel]

Chapter 10 is up if anyone's reading.

[Caja]

I've finished the first five chapters and wanted to comment on some things:

 

You draw an authentic picture of Cullen with a lot of background information. I like that .

Personally, I interpret the character differently. I can't really see him as someone who is afraid of mage prior to the events at Kinloch Hold (chapter one). I always saw Cullen as someone with strong believes and the desire to protect others, including mages. But everyone  sees something different in the characters, of course, and you explained in great detail why the Cullen in your story is who is. And that's what I meant with "authentic".

 

However, for me as a reader the text is a bit tough to read sometimes because it feels more like a summary and less like a somewhat 'poetic' text. I don't have a better word for poetic but what I mean is that your summarization of the events create a distance. I believe that your text would benefit from more dialogues. For example, Cullen meets the Tranquils in chapter 3. You could write a little scene about that. What  is it like to meet someone who is stripped of every emotion? How does it feel like for Cullen? What does he say? What does he do? Does he try to shake their hands? Does he back away from them because he feels uncomfortable around them? Though you give us insight into his thoughts, we learn very little about his emotions and reactions towards them.  Which brings me to another point: Cullen is not a very active character in your story.  At least not in the first five chapters. He only reacts to what other people are doing. Given, that is a bit tricky since Cullen is rather introverted. But even those characters have goals.

 

 

Some smaller things that I've noticed:

1.  According to the Wiki Cullen joined the templar order with thirteen, not fourteen (chapter one).
2.  Also, you mention that Cullen had older brothers and just one sister (chapter one). In fact, I believe that it's the other way round: He has just one brother but two sisters. However, I am not entirely sure. Someone help me out here, please.

[Cerulione]

 

*snip*

 

Some smaller things that I've noticed:

1.  According to the Wiki Cullen joined the templar order with thirteen, not fourteen (chapter one).
2.  Also, you mention that Cullen had older brothers and just one sister (chapter one). In fact, I believe that it's the other way round: He has just one brother but two sisters. However, I am not entirely sure. Someone help me out here, please.

 

 

Small details:

 

1. Yes he said in-game DA:I that he joined the order at thirteen

 

2. He got one brother and two sisters (said in-game DA:I during chess battle), Brianne Battye (Cullen's writer) confirm on twitter that Mia is his elder sister. She imagined herself that Cullen's the second child but it's her headcannon.

 

EDIT:

 

 

R2s Muse ‏@R2sMuse  Dec 1
@bbattye Any chance you can tell us if Cullen is the youngest child? Are his folks still alive? #inquiringminds

 BevH ‏@BevH0531  Dec 1
@R2sMuse @bbattye I think if he's not youngest he's next to youngest. He mentions he & his brother would practice chess to beat their sister

 Brianne Battye ‏@bbattye  24m24 minutes ago
@BevH0531 @R2sMuse Mia is older, as you've guessed. I actually imagined Cullen as the 2nd child, though likely close in age to his brother

 

Oh dear Maker, he's a middle child! 

[legbamel]

Damn!  I meant to replace the first two chapters with my updated versions.  The originals were written before DA:I came out so what's there now was totally head canon!

 

Thanks for the feedback.  I know I need to fill out scenes and it's something I'm trying to work on.  I really appreciate the specific suggestions.  Maybe Cullen resonates so well with me because we're both middle children! 

 

I take your meaning about his being awfully passive.  I hadn't really thought about it that way but for me that's so much what Cullen does in the first two game--he reacts.  I'm going to have to ponder whether I want to make that a piece of his character and thus his eventual transformation or if I should make him...participate from time to time.