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[Dieb]

It is almost nighttime as Josephine dunk her quill into its inkpot for good this day, when the door to her office opens slowly, yet suddenly enough to indicate whoever is behind it walked up to it in an equally subtle fashion. Inside the doorway presents himself, a man in full formal Inquisition recruit armor, with a reluctant and slightly confused expression on his face, clutching a book-sized wooden clipboard in his right hand, and the edge of the still not entirely opened door in his left.

 

"What is it, Corporal... Blanchard? Something urgent? I was just about to retire to my quarters for the night."

 

The young corporal seemed to make a show out of chewing on his bottom lip for a moment, and then handed the Ambassdor the note attached to his clipboard. "A formal work-related grievance from human resources, regarding the... uhm.. Hera-... the Inquisitor. Another one. By Chief Requisition Officer Harris. The protocol states this specific incident took place yesterday afternoon, somewhere near Crestwood."

 

 

========================INCIDENT PROTOCOL========================

 

 

Inquisitor: "...so, if Blackwall could try and get its attention, Sera and I could flank it from both sides, just as..."

 

Requisition Officer: "Sir.."

 

IQ: ".........riiiight. So when Sera and I savely moved to flank the beast, Cole can appear behi-"

 

RO: " Sir, there have been new-..."

 

IQ: *clears throat* "....AS I WAS SAYING, Cole should be in position just around the time Blackwall successfu-"

 

RO: "But Sir! This is probably something of interest to-"

 

The Inquisitor turns around from his companions and quickly moves over to the Requisition Officer with hasty, stomping steps. The submitting employee described them as "threatening".

 

IQ: "You know what?! NO. You lied the first time you said that, and you lied the second time, too, and when I believed you for a third time, it was still, very much, NOT of ANY interest to ANYONE in this WHOLE DAMN ORGANIZATION!"

 

RQ: "But our scouts spotted peculiarly colored ores in rock formations nearb-"

 

IQ: "That's Silverite. As in, the COMMONLY used smithing material Silverite.  S-I-L-V-E-R-I-T-E. Silver freaking Rite. It's been in this area ever since it was first charted, which happend CENTURIES ago, when we first established civilised settings in this region. Just because none of you IMBICILES thought about bringing a MAKERDAMN MAP with you... you know, those things tour guides hand out to Orleasian tourists in Denerim, showing even the nearest whorehouse in all of Ferelden... and made it MY problem that YOU have no idea how to extract the information where exactly at the END of this paved carriage road leading to one of the most iconic historical strongholds south of the Bannorn, from a freaking SIGNPOST, for Andraste's stubbly armpits' sake, doesn't mean spotting the boggers in your own nose justifies requesting a GEOLOGICAL STUDY."

 

RQ: "..b...but...but it could help the Inquisition to..."

 

IQ: "You know what would REALLY help the Inquisition? Shutting up. Just once. We're making a plan and trying to restock our potions here, and you just KEEP bringing those nonsensical FOURTH HAND clues to me. Just... Maker, shut it."

 

RQ: ".....I thought..."

 

 

IQ: "Well I don't PAY you to think, honey. In fact, I don't pay you at all. You know what else doesn't get paid, gives me directions & informations about pending requests, and never interrupts - ergo, is PERFECTLY qualified for this position? The Chanter's Boards. A lifeless wooden board with pieces of paper nailed against it."

 

RQ: "...I..."

 

The Inquisitor sighs.

 

IQ: "...what's your name, anyways?"

 

RQ: "Lieutenant Harris, my lord Inquisitor."

 

IQ: "Tell me then, Lieutenant... Harrolds. How does the remark that one 'performed inferior to lifeless piece of shredded tree' read in one's monthly duty report?"

 

RQ: "... I.... but my lord, this is not fair, I..." 

 

IQ: "No, you know what isn't FAIR, Harry? That I make you wear those conehead-helmets. But they amuse me, I couldn't help myself. For that, I apologize. Alas, you are dismissed. Go and find out about stuff people already found out about, some more."

 

 

========================END OF PROTOCOL========================

 

 

The Ambassador sighs. The corporal had left, the door already closed behind him a while ago. She mutters something that could serve as a great term for a yet-to-be-invented female hygiene product, lights a fresh candle, and reaches for her quill.

[Draining Dragon]

Sorry, what?

[Dieb]

Just something I had to get out of my system.

[Neleothesze]

Ah yes... the requisition officer. He's even more pleasant when you're trying to eavesdrop on your companions' conversations - ONCE in a ****** lifetime opportunity - and he's got some urgent news. 

[leaguer of one]

Sorry, what?

The inquisitor in this story is female on her moon pissed of at the rec officer who pops up at every camp.

[Lord Bolton]

I hate that bastard. He blocked my party banter twice.

I remember when Blackwall started to say something and then out of the blue "Nothing to report, sir!". Aaaand banter gone.

[ManleySteele]

When some one makes a mod that let's me toggle these requisition officers on and off they will have my eternal gratitude.

 

Off being the operative word here, in case I was too subtle.

[thats1evildude]

"This could help us."

Really? That requisition I already filled? That could help us?

YOU SIT UPON A THRONE OF LIES

[Fredward]

Does the RO's gender vary? Mine's always a lady.

[Ashagar]

And here I was expecting it to be paperwork...

[thats1evildude]

Does the RO's gender vary? Mine's always a lady.

 

Ditto.

[Dieb]

"This could help us."

Really? That requisition I already filled? That could help us?

YOU SIT UPON A THRONE OF LIES

That is the correct amount of emotion for what my Inquisitor's shrink calls "marginal issues".

[Fireheart]

This was funny as heck. Great read. I really don't understand the point of the requisitions anyway, aside from getting power and influence.

[Dieb]

My therapist said it helps me weaving my issues into those little stories, because it turns them into tapdancing unicorns (like my therapist) rather than bullets in the .45 next to a three finger jar of whiskey on my living room table, so here goes part two.

 

 

A foggy morning at the Inquisition camp somewhere in the Hissing Wastes.

 

A few scouts are still on the lookout, while others are in the middle of morning sparring exercises, and our protagonists are about to gather their equipment around the long burnt down campfire - as Solas and Blackwall walk up to the center of the scene; looking around their comrades with a sorrowful expression that demanded their attention.

 

"Everybody", Blackwall clears his throat, as the elf next to him visibly presses his lips together in stricken anxiety. "Listen up. Solas and I, we... feel like we have something to, uh, share."

 

The general commotion rapidly calms down, until everyone ceases what they were doing to avoid making noise and looks at the two, most of them equally puzzled. Solas prompts the warrior, in a both encouraging and reluctant gesture, to continue.

 

"So we, uh. Well, what can I tell you. We got really drunk yesterday, the two of us and, uh... had a talk. Maybe more than just a talk, bec-", his tone just started to return to his usual commander's bellowing, as Sera starts to laugh loudly. "...oh, Maker's breath Sera!"

 

Solas briefly raises his hand. "What... Warden... Blackwall is trying to say, is that we both accidentally discovered something about the other, we feel should not be kept from the Inquisition; as those... let's call them secrets for simplicity's sake, could carry some weight in our present and future endeavors. To proactively prevent related chain reactions and inevitable confusion from happening, we mutually agreed to make a pact to ... share... certain... details about ourselves, so you all-"

 

His speech is interrupted by the Requisition Officer rushing towards the crowd and tripping over an open chest filled with various tools. The whole camp having turned towards her in shock as she's still lying flat on her stomach, she raises her head revealing a whide excited smile and holds up an unpeculiar looking rubble stone, exclaiming:

 

"FOUND SOMETHING!!"

 

After several seconds of awkward silence and people looking at each other, while the Requisition Officer remained in her pose with unwavering zeal; Solas waves aside, as Blackwall had already turned and went to do something else, grunting and mumbling. "You know.... on second thought it probably wasn't that important anyways. This helped putting our priorities back into proper perspective. We should simply never mention this ever again."

 

The entirety of soldiers shrugs and slowly returns to what they were doing before the incident, while the Requisition Officer muttered to herself with faint disappointment and disbelief, "But I... really did find this stone."

[FeliciaM]

I hate the requisitions officer... with a passion.

 

Seriously... if I could kill one person, it'd be him. Every time I load into a camp, I'm like 'NOT INTERESTED. KTHNXBYE'

[Big I]

I hate the requisitions officer... with a passion.

 

Seriously... if I could kill one person, it'd be him.

 

The requisition officer is always a woman.

[Orian Tabris]

The requisition officer is always a woman.

 

It was bad enough people had to refer to high dragons as "him." But the freaking requisition officers!? How can anyone confuse the requisition officers as male? Seriously.

[tirnoney]

At least with the Requsition Officer you can accept a pointless quest and never fulfill it to shut her up.  This one however...

 

IQ:  "So I was just taking a look at this new schematic I found and..."

Harrit:  "Another time then."

IQ:  Hmm, I wonder if this would work with Cassandra."

Harrit:  "You need something, let me know."

IQ:  "Nah, lets try the other shield."

Harrit:  "Another time then."

IQ:  "Oh wait, did that one have a leather defence slot..."

Harrit:  "You need something, let me know."

IQ:  "Seriously Harrit, I'm just looking at my schematics."

Harrit:  "Another time then."

IQ:  "Do you have to keep saying that every time I look at them?"

Harrit:  "You need something, let me know."

IQ:  "Seriously Harrit, that's really beginning to grate."

Harrit:  "You need something, let me know."

IQ:  "Mythal'enaste Harrit, just shut up."

Harrit: "Another time then."

IQ:  "Oh look Harrit, it's that family 'ammer you love so much.  Can you guess where I'm going to shove it?"

Harrit:  "Looks good."

IQ:  "Kill me please!"

Harrit:  "Another time then."

[Dieb]

Great one, I laughed!

 

I remember especially in the Haven days, near the armor/weapon customization anvils in the center, it was some sort of minigame challenge to overcome first - getting the camera angle so you would have the interaction symbol appear and NOT talk to Harrit.

 

Then again being forced the eavesdrop on him & the barmaid, indicating you apparently were not the only one he ever showed his family hammer to, was equally unsettling.

[Poledo]

Hah! I'm glad someone else feels my pain! It's one of my biggest gripes with banter. Banter is scarce as it is but all it takes is one line from some nearby NPC to complete cancel any banter my party was having and 9 times out of 10 it's that damned requisition officer!

[Rivercurse]

Thanks OP.  Made me laugh.

[BigEvil]

Great one, I laughed!

 

I remember especially in the Haven days, near the armor/weapon customization anvils in the center, it was some sort of minigame challenge to overcome first - getting the camera angle so you would have the interaction symbol appear and NOT talk to Harrit.

 

Then again being forced the eavesdrop on him & the barmaid, indicating you apparently were not the only one he ever showed his family hammer to, was equally unsettling.

 

Hell, play through the prologue again, when Cass leads you through Haven and says something about "they've already decided your guilt", he's chatting her up right there. That's what they were up to while you were meeting Varric and Solas and fighting a pride demon.

[thesuperdarkone2]

No, everyone knows the Inquisitor's true enemy are the patches. They removed the Inquisitor's ability to get more gold, removed the ability to get more influence and thus strengthen the Inquisition, they made it so that Inquisitor can't respawn rare materials which limits how much materials the Inquisitor can have and thus use to outfit the party, and they break the world. I think Bioware is secretly controlled by Corypheus!

[pace675]

No, everyone knows the Inquisitor's true enemy are the patches. They removed the Inquisitor's ability to get more gold, removed the ability to get more influence and thus strengthen the Inquisition, they made it so that Inquisitor can't respawn rare materials which limits how much materials the Inquisitor can have and thus use to outfit the party, and they break the world. I think Bioware is secretly controlled by Corypheus!

 

You actualled patched the game before reading the patch notes? Silly wabbit.

[TK514]

I figured the Inquisitor's true enemy was whoever designed that godawful outfit they wear around Skyhold.  There is clearly some blackmail involved in the Inquisitor not having it burned.