Shemlen is elven for "child" and is used toward humans, city elves, and basically anyone not Dalish as a derogatory term. Being called a "shem" basically means you are considered too "childish" to understand the ways of The People.
In the situation with Gheyna and Cammen, if you reconcile them, the keeper will tell you that it's good to see some happiness but it's clear you don't understand their ways (the two of them shouldn't have been reconciled under Dalish tradition). When you initially approach the clan as a city elf, you are called a "flat ear" and are told you are as unwelcome as any human. In DA2, if you offer to help master Ilen gather some iron wood, he's offended a "shem" would suggest s/he could succeed where the elves failed. There's several dialogue pops up as you walk through the clan that you better watch your step and that you aren't welcome.
The Dalish aren't just wary that outsiders might attack them. They are very stuck in their ways and wary of outsiders affecting them. They have good reason for that, as they are trying to preserve their culture. But most clans aren't just going to welcome a non-Dalish elf and take his word as fact that their current practices are wrong. They might accept certain truths as proof is presented. But if all Solas had to offer was his word (asserting that he, a "shem," knew better) and walks in the Fade (which even the Dalish have a healthy fear of given their wariness of mages), I doubt that went over well.
A dalish is more likely to call a city elf 'flat ear' and from what I remember of DAO (the Alienage elves weren't featured much in DA2) they freely call humans 'shem' but unlike the dalish they welcome an elf from any origin. Among other insults anyone who left the Alienage probably got called a flat ear by other elves though.
Solas' I saw it in the Fade handwave is weak, Fen'Harel might be used to his word being law but there's no reason why any modern elf should believe Solas when he offers no proof and becomes indignant when opposed.





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