They are a unique culture with what is to them sacred traditions carried down for thousands of years. They are not "feeling sorry for themselves". To the Dalish mind they are the last remnants of elven distinctiveness, of elven culture and language and traditions. Those are powerful motivators to stay apart. Not to mention that the humans and city elves want nothing to do with the Dalish. They do not want to exchange ideas and views. They want to destroy them. The Chantry see them as a direct threat because they present an alternative religion.
That they are part of the same world as humans does not in any way mean they need to unite with humanity. The same way France isn't going to merge with Somalia any time soon simply because they exist in the same world.
I would also argue that the Dalish do exert some influence. Far more than the City elves at least. The Dalish, as scattered and different as they are, are still independent, as well as armed.
Thedas isn't filled with wonderful democratic counties where you can just "participate" and "join in". The only way to get influence in Thedas is to have enough swords that the other guy takes you seriously.
But those motivations are at their core idiotic. It amounts to nothing more than pining away for a past glory that they essentially believe they have no means of recapturing. This is beyond their myth fundamentally victimising them at absolutely every critical juncture of their history.
The Dalish essentially exist as a people right now because they're seen as irrelevant by the far more numerous and powerful human nations. It's not really defiance when your entire existence is defined by being almost completely invisible in the eyes of the people you're defying.
It would be one thing if humans were actively hunting elves to convert them but we don't see that happening. At most we have some suggestions templars will occasionally go mage hunting, which the Dalish largely deal with by running away.
I think the Dalish are submitting to human authority just as much as the CEs. The only difference is that the CEs historically surrendered to Orlais to avoid aggravating humanity while the Dalish retreated so radically and fundamentally outside of society that they fell outside of human notice.
I get that the Dalish built this chest thumping myth of defiance but it's not really much of anything since they're doing the defying away from human notice.





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