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Alistair the Family Man

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#1
gottaloveme

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Okay - this is here so that the Questions thread doesn't get full up of my stuff.

 

The Cherished Child series will be a bunch of stories about Alistair and his Cousland Queen (Sorcha) and their children. The stories aren't in any particular order and will cover different periods of the lives. As the children grow older there will be less parental input. I'm even thinking maybe, a little trouble with Orlais. We will see. Can't plan ahead too far.



#2
gottaloveme

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Stuck again a bit.

The following paragraphs are giving me some difficulty. I've rewritten them a few times now and they still sound awkward.

 

Whatever had been the reason for Cailan and Anora’s lack of children, the old rumour had persisted; that she was barren by divine decree because she was a commoner married to royalty. Alistair was happy enough with the way things had gone; had they not, the most likely alternative for a wife for Cailan would have been Sorcha Cousland. Better that Sorcha was Alistair’s.

So, how to tell one’s bitter, prideful sort-of-sister-in-law that the present Queen was pregnant? Sorcha, the bane of Anora’s existence would give birth to a son to be loved and cherished. An heir to fortify and unify a nation slowly being rebuilt by his parents. That was their hope.

 

If anyone can give a pair of fresh eyes to it would appreciate it. Thanks



#3
Caja

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I'm not a native speaker so I'm afraid I can't help much. I like the the second half of the paragraph but I agree that the first two sentences sound a bit awkward. I blame the semicolons. What if you try to make several shorter sentences here?