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[Eternal Phoenix]

(Inspired by the many let's plays of Knights of Colour)

Chronicles of BSN: The Hunt for Zombie "T" follows the story of a group of BSN Knights as they hunt for a once dead-BSN squire who has since resurrected as a zombie, now terrorizing his home town of Cyseal with a series of killings.
 
Deciding that it was their responsibility to put a stop to the killings what with the culprit once being a member of their esteemed order, it was The BSN Lobby Order that sent our three heroes of this story: Eternal Phoenix, E-Ro and OneWomanArmy on their mission to finally put a stop to Zombie T's reign of terror...

This is their story...
 

Chronicles of BSN: The Hunt for Zombie "T"

 

Chapter 1

 
We begin as our heroes arrive at their destination on a sandy beach somewhere near the town...


 
(Since forum users change their avis every so often I thought it best to simply use some good old fashioned Baldur's Gate portraits for our characters...) 
 
Eternal Phoenix

"That boat journey was awful."
 
E-Ro

"Tell me about it. Those waves prevented OneWomanArmy from tying me down on the bed!"
 
OneWomanArmy

"Don't worry E-Ro, after we clear up this zombie business I'll soon have you to myself..."
 

*squee* "Oh I can't wait!"
 

"Yeah yeah yeah. Just focus on what we came here to do. I don't want to be here any longer than I have to-"
 
OneWomanArmy and E-Ro move forward to embrace each other. They begin french kissing.
 

 

"Guys..."
 

"What are you doing?"
 

 "Guys!"
 

"GUYS STAHP!"
 
 
OneWomanArmy and E-Ro break away, OWA looks at Eternal Phoenix smiling.
 

"You're just jealous of our love for each other and the fact that you too want a mistress."
 

"Yeah stroppy Phoenix. You had your chance and you turned it down. Don't get upset now you cheeky little casul. She's all mine and the whips are all mine too! No whips for you!"
 

"I've had enough of this. I'm getting Arian Keraunos here..."
 
Eternal Phoenix pulls out a magical device from his sachet which has the ability to contact holders of similar devices over far distances. He presses a few buttons and after a few moments, the device begins ringing and Arian's voice can be heard...
 

"Arian? I need your help hunting Zombie T down. The Lobby Order sent me on this mission with OneWomanArmy and E-Ro but they just want to have kinky sex on this beach so I need your help in their place."
 

"OneWomanArmy and E-Ro are with you eh? Um well I'd love to help you mate but unfortunately I am...I am umm...I am dead! Yeah! Dead!"
 

"What? How is this possible? I'm talking to you!"
 

"..."
 

"Arian?"
 

"..."
 

"Arian!"
 

"Umm bye!"
 

"Ha ha ha ha! Looks like you're stuck with us stroppy Phoenix!"
 

"..."
 

"Ha ha ha and just look at his avi! It even suits his attitude!"
 

"Well your avi looks like some druggy!"
 
OneWomanArmy puzzled by what the two are even talking about decides to interrupt...
 

"I have no idea what you two mean with your words but I actually think Eternal is right on the matter of the zombie. We should try to focus on our mission and deal with 'T' before any more innocents die."
 

"Oh now look what you've done Phoenix! You've made her serious! I didn't even want to be on this stupid quest to hunt this stupid gay zombie down. What's his real name anyway eh? Tar-"
 
Before E-Ro can finish, OneWomanArmy punches him in the face.
 

"Ow!"


"Don't you dare speak his name! Those who speak it are cursed on the spot!"
 

"Oh well if it gets me hit again by you, I might just speak it!"
 
E-Ro starts to wipe the blood of his face that is dripping from his nose.
 

"I'm serious E-Ro. The curse of speaking his name could kill you. Don't do it."
 

*sigh* "Alright. Alright."
 

"Alright let's move out. I'm leading."
 

"No I'm the leader here!"
 

"No you're not stroppy Phoenix!"
 

"The Lobby Order assigned me as the leader of this group. You two were there so don't even deny that!"
 

"Let's have a vote! All in favour of OneWomanArmy leading, raise your hand!"
 
Both OneWomanArmy and E-Ro raise their hand.
 

"Seems your outnumbered ergo OneWomanArmy leads..."
 

"B-but but!" *sigh* 
 
Stroppy Phoenix decides it best not to continue arguing, the sooner this mission was over, the better he thought.
 

*thinking to himself* "I don't know why but I just had a strange thought that in an alternative reality somewhere, some cheeky **** is writing this story down and just called me 'Stroppy Phoenix'" *sigh* "I need a couple of drinks after this."
 
Moving along the beach, our heroes find peace and solitude in the surroundings despite the troubles further up west involving orcs.
 

[Eternal Phoenix]

They do not dally long and quickly advance past the rest of the beach soon encountering zombie resistance...
 

 

"Ah! Victims of T!"
 

"How do you know HE turned them?"
 

"They are missing their willies!"
 

"Oh no!"
 

"Protect your pride bro and fight well!"
 

"They look lustful for our cocks!"
 

"T-they do don't they?"
 

"What if they bit mine off?!"
 

"You'll turn and develop a ravenous desire for willies!"
 

"Oh no!"
 
As E-Ro and Eternal Phoenix stay back chatting amongst themselves about the enemy, OneWomanArmy rushes them.
 
 

"Pff. Men."
 

 
Her charge manages to knock one of the zombies down but two remain up. One grabs OneWomanArmy and she begins struggling with it but before she can call out for help, Eternal Phoenix, now alerted, charges into the heat of battle finishing the remaining zombies with one powerful charge.
 

 
 


"Impressive."
 

"My willy is mine and mine alone. YOU can't have it. THEY can't have it and OneWomanArmy can't have it."
 

"I'd say the same about mine to you but it already belongs to OneWomanArmy!"
 

"Can we stop discussing dicks please?"
 

"That's probably for the best. Let's move on."
 
And so our heroes finally and truly set out along the path that will take them to Cyseal. Along the way they encounter some fellow BSN knights, one of whom is heavily intoxicated...
 


Mov BW 547572696e67

"Ah if it isn't Eternal "idiot" Phoenix, E-Ro and my ex-lover OneWomanArmy..."
 

*gasp* "Cannibal Turing!"
 

"That's right motherfucker! I'm back and I'm going to eat all of your f***ing heads clean off!
 

"Surely we can work something out Turing? We were lovers and friends once!"
 

"I thought so too but you remained with the Lobby Order after they exiled me for my cannibalism. If you had truly loved me, you would have left with me!" 
 

"I couldn't! My love wasn't just for you but for the BSN too! Turing, I was heartbroken when you left but I would have been heartbroken leaving BSN!"
 

"You don't even deny it! You loved The Lobby more than me! I am second place to NO ONE!"
 
The drunk interrupts the conversation...
 

*hic* "oh wait it's you! heya eternal"
 

"Huh? KroganChiken my friend! What are you doing here with this freak?"
 

*hic* "nothin i was jus passing and-" *hic* "he said 'helpa me pls for three people to beat" and so i am going to help him fight you i think u don't mind do you i wont hit hard"
 

"Why not join us instead? This freak would just eat you afterwards if you won against us."
 

"no no no i primised him first i help so nah but we still on for next's weeks drink competion yah?"
 

"Heh. Wouldn't miss it for the world buddy!"
 

"I have had enough of this! Krogan? CHARGE!"
 
Eternal Phoenix charges head-first into battle. In the chaos, KroganChiken trips.
 

 

"oh no" *hic* "i'm dead!" *hic* "i'm dead eternal u killed me u cheeky ****!" *hic* "but now i think i'm just gonna sit wight here and drink my beer..."
 
KroganChiken passes out from his intoxication leaving Mov BW 547572696e67 to fight Eternal Phoenix, E-Ro and OneWomanArmy all alone.
 

"What a disappointment but I don't need him to-"
 
Before Mov can finish speaking, he is knocked unconscious by OneWomanArmy. 
 

 

"Now slit his throat."
 

"WHAT?! No I can't!"
 

"Put your feelings aside. This man is a cannibal and just as big as a threat as Zombie T. End him now or I'll do it for you!"
 

"NO! I won't allow it!"
 

"What will you do to stop me? Fight me?"
 

"If I must..."
 
Eternal Phoenix and OneWomanArmy stare at each other intensely for a few moments before E-Ro steps in...
 

"Guys remember our quest..."
 
E-Ro sighs and shakes his head.
 

"Phoenix, I'd love to slit Turing's throat myself but if OneWomanArmy wants otherwise then we must leave him. There is no use for us to fight, not when a bigger threat remains. For that reason alone we must stick together and work together."
 

"Argh! Fine! Let's move on!"
 
Eternal Phoenix and E-Ro begin walking ahead as OneWomanArmy says her farewells to Mov by kissing him on the lips, she then whispers 'goodbye' to him, soon running to catch up with the other two.
 

 
Minutes pass as our heroes trek towards the sea-side town of Cyseal, with the tension earlier leading them to walk in silence reflecting on what had transpired.
 
Before anyone decides to break the silence with conversation, the group spot the great walls of Cyseal arising in the distance ahead.
 

"AH! Finally, we're here!"
 
But before they can take in everything, a ship pulls up at the pier and several orcs and a man dressed in black get off the boat. Their intent clear, our heroes ready themselves to fight the aggressive party who look like they were reinforcements for the orcs who were already fighting the town's defenders on the beach.
 

[Eternal Phoenix]

"Ready yourselves!"
 

"SH1T! They've got two ogres with them and one of them is SHREK!"
 

 

"You gonna get SHREKED!"
 

"Shrek is dreck!"
 

"..."
 

"Phoenix...I think you've made him angry..."
 

"OH NOW YOU'RE GONNA GET IT WISE GUY!"
 
Shrek's distinctive Scottish accent tumultuously echoed across the battlefield striking fear into the town's defenders but our heroes were unaffected and stood strong.
 
Eternal Phoenix wasted little time in acting and quickly rushed towards Shrek, striking him down with a forceful hit with his sword.
 

 

"OW! MY GREEN ONIONS!"

 

"You won't have any layers left when I'm finished with you!"

 

Before Shrek has a chance to react, OneWomanArmy rushes to join her comrade in battle, swinging in a wide arc that hits all the enemies that surround her.

 

 

She is followed by E-Ro who decides to 1v1 an ogre all by himself.

 

 

Shrek, angered by the chaos that quickly engulfed him and his squad, lashes out, striking a powerful blow against OneWomanArmy.

 

 

"OW!"

 

KingTony, another BSN knight, suddenly appears out of no where and rushes across the battlefield to aid OneWomanArmy and her team.

 

KingTony

"Oi Ogrelord! Shrek is dreck!"

 

"Tony!"

 

 

"YOU WANT SOME TOO?"

 

"You've got enough on your plate Shrek, wouldn't you agree?"

 

Eternal Phoenix strikes a crippling blow against the distracted ogrelord toppling him once again.

 

"WHEN I GET UP, I WILL SHREK YOU!"

 

E-Ro is focused on fighting the ogre he went for, striking many powerful blows against his head and dodging his opponent's attacks.

 

 

Shrek, seeing this, roars a mighty roar.

 

"ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAR!"

 

The roar, asides from putting everyone on the battlefield off-balance, distracts E-Ro allowing his enemy to get in a deadly hit...

 

 

The hit knocks E-Ro unconscious and he falls into a near fetal position on his knees.

 

"He's ready for a Shrek'ing!"

 

"I don't think so!"

 

Eternal Phoenix grabs Shrek by his left arm.

 

 

"Strike him OneWomanArmy!"

 

"No!"

 

Shrek swings his club, in his still free right hand, to attack OneWomanArmy before she can strike but she blocks the attack, albeit taking heavy damage in the process, with her shield.

 

 

Rolling out of the way to dodge a follow up attack, she arises from the ground to stab the ogre, that had knocked E-Ro unconscious, in his heart, killing him.

 

 

"WARKANI! NOOOOOOOOOOO!"

 

"Shrek is dreck."

 

"Shrek is dreck!"

 

"SHREK IS DRECK!"

 

All the remaining human soldiers begin chanting "Shrek is dreck" as the town defenders and KingTony finish off the last of the orcs and ogres to surround Shrek.

 

​Being attacked from all sides, Shrek frantically tries swinging in defence but the soldiers and knights easily outmanoeuvre and dodge his clumsy attacks.

 

 

"NOOOOO! YOU CUNTS! YOU CANNOT DEFEAT ME! SHREK IS LOVE! SHREK IS LIFE!"

 

"No Shrek...the only thing you are is dreck!"

 

With a few final strikes, Shrek is slain.

 

 

"It's...all ogre..."

 

With his last words said, Shrek, now dead, slumps to the ground emptying his bowels as he does so.

 

"Ewwwwww!"

 

As KingTony recovers from the stench, Eternal Phoenix and OneWomanArmy rush to E-Ro to see if he's okay.

 

"He's lost a lot of blood but he'll be okay if I patch him up."

 

"Then do so! Quick!"

 

 

Eternal Phoenix quickly patches E-Ro up and within soon, he awakes, rising groggily from the ground.

 

 

"Urgh....my head! W-what happened?"

 

"The ogre you were fighting knocked you senseless after Shrek's roar distracted you."

 

"I'm just glad you're okay E-Ro."

 

"Heh heh. Nothing I haven't handled before from you sweetie..."

 

As the two embrace once more and start chatting about bondage, Eternal Phoenix looks across the battlefield, glancing at the corpses of the fallen enemies and the town's defenders. Zombie T hadn't even been reached yet and already the quest was beginning to show its hardships.

 

Only time would tell if our heroes would succeed in their quest...

 

End of Chapter 1.

[Eternal Phoenix]

Lmao.... the ****

 

It is what it is. Weird and wacky.

 

I'm just trying to put the Zombie T drama in a story form.

[Dio Demon]

Lmao.... the ****

What.

 

The.

 

F***.

 

I need more beer for this...

[Eternal Phoenix]

This should be a fun thread (I hope).

[mybudgee]

8/10

 

Did bang

[Kaiser Arian XVII]

I like the third part the most.

[Sully13]

oh those two will get you killed.

[Dermain]

This should be a fun thread (I hope).

 

I have a feeling it will be shut down soon...

 

On a side note, you have 

 

 

 

Shrek's distinctive Scottish accent tumultuously echoed across the battlefield striking fear into the town's defenders but our heroes were unaffiliated and stood strong.

 

Which should be unaffected.

[A Crusty Knight Of Colour]

 

It's like I'm reading the stream of consciousness of Recon browsing the BSN after snorting a line of cocaine off Celestia's chest, or Arian as he smokes Opium while reading Sun Tzu's Art of War to the tune of Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture.

 

Moar.

[Kaiser Arian XVII]

^ lolwut?!

[Inquisitor Recon]

I'd suggest screencapping this before BiowareMod2 shows up to ruin the fun.

[Inquisitor Recon]

Basically what you are saying is luna's kneecaps > screen caps?

Wut?

[Kaiser Arian XVII]

I'd suggest screencapping this before BiowareMod2 shows up to ruin the fun.

 

I didn't think it would be possible... Microsoft Office One Note flawlessly copy-pasted the whole thing for me!

[Eternal Phoenix]

I'd suggest screencapping this before BiowareMod2 shows up to ruin the fun.

Exactly what I was thinking.

It could be locked either for several reasons:

-Immature jokes about willies.
-OneWomanArmy and E-Ro's sexual comments (hey this is stuff they actually talk about don't look at me that way).
-Because of "T" being the antagonist.
-It's probably SimfamSP's fault though and he is in fact the fourth party member that is intended to appear later on.

At the moment in the story, he's on a beach contemplating suicide after being finally exiled from BSN:

 

 

In fact this whole thread is his fault. He gave me the idea.

[Dio Demon]

 

Also the story is ****** hilarious. Cannibal Turing? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Cannibal Turing is no laughing matter. It's some serious s*** like squaids... except he'll bite off your face and then cook it.

 

Rule #1: Don't look Turing in the eye. He assumes that you want to be eaten.

 

Rule #2: Don't be human. He's a cannibal only.

 

Rule #3: If thou art not human. Just get someone tough to protect you.

 

Rule #4: failing to do rule three, you should just lay down and prepare to be eaten.