Equality is about fairness, not about protectionism. You treat people the same, not provide special exclusions or blind eyes. You help those who are disadvantaged, but you base that on their actual measurable status. Someone wants to pursue the basic nature of entering into the legally recognized relationship of marriage, but can't due to concrete reasons? Sign me up to help them get that right - I don't care if it is because laws prevent them from marrying because of their sexual orientation, because their race, because their physical handicap to fill out marriage license forms, because their government doesn't recognize the person's right to marry a shoe - whatever it is... I'm on board.
If you want to help provide better schooling, meal assistance and after school mentoring programs to the poorest areas with the highest concentrations of high school drop outs and gang violence, I'll write you a check and ask where to mail it - I don't care if the neighborhood is white, black, Latino, Asian or xenomorphs... I'll be happy to see someone trying to fix the solution.
But to give special privileges, to perform willful selection of a group to be treated "more equally" is a path no one should walk down. Because it becomes the most slippery slopes of identification and justification. According to the ESA report a few years ago, men are the minority in gaming now. Isn't it great then that we have so much minority representation in development and journalism? We should stifle hiring more majority gender positions in the industry to better rectify this gender split. Or hey, there are much more non-white gamers worldwide than white ones... isn't it fantastic that we can have a minority race be so represented?
These are ignorant examples proving an obvious point - you can't attribute special behavior to a group just because they are a group, regardless of what disadvantages or bias exist. You CAN'T do it. Because that type of thinking is so quickly turned in reverse it will make your head spin - if you can help out a certain group just because, then you can ignore, hinder or even hurt another just because as well.
Again - identify, evaluate and quantify the need of gap, take steps to change the base numbers or values, then stop providing that assistance when the need is no longer there. Ignoring the demographics and the self identifications for the purposes of benefits is the only way to have a sustainable solution to equality. Because it's the only way to be equal - by being completely impartial and fair.
Okay, first up, you've misread my post. Even in a world that's neutral to every single bit of IRL context, there's a difference between a member of an underrepresented group sleeping around for advancement with members of the majoritarian group and the reverse. That's why the analogy is non-functional.
But you seem to want to talk about theories of equality, so let's do that instead. I'm going to try to parse your rant, but to be entirely honest I have no idea what you're getting at.
It seems like you're struggling a great deal with the difference between substantive and formal equality. So let me try to explain. Formal equality is the idea that the law has to be applied in the same manner, or, at a broader level, that people need to be treated the same under the law. That is different from the idea of substantive equality, which is that - because people are not in identical circumstances - an ostensibly neutral policy or law can actually affect people unequally, and therefore be an unfair law.
You have a rant against giving groups "special" privileges, but that misunderstands the idea. Groups aren't equal. We can't achieve any kind of formal equality in a fundamentally unequal society. All that we would do is just perpetrated a different kind of equality.
To actually address entrenched disadvantage (e.g., there are not enough women in [X] field) then you have to adopt policies that actually address that particular inequality, which leads to the ostensibly idea that the state is preferentially allocating resources to a particular group. Which is true - that's exactly what's happening, because the state is implementing some policy to try and address an underlying inequality.
Let's use a different example. In a public health care system, the allocation of health care resources isn't identical. People who suffer from medical conditions get more resources. They get disproportionate resources. They get those resources because the aim of the system is to ensure a certain policy goal, and the very nature of that policy goal means disproportionate allocation.
There are lots of debates to be had about how to implement this idea, and where it becomes dangerous and exclusive. But to say that it's not a valid way of pursuing equality is, frankly, completely ignorant of the last 30 years of substantive jurisprudence and intellectual development in the field of equality, by which I mean as an actual legal discipline.
This idea of "completely impartial and fair" is just a fantasy. It's childish and naive. The world isn't impartial and fair. It's decidedly unfair. People are born poorer, dumber, slower, and less capable than others. They're born to groups that are less well liked and have less political power and standing. That's reality., And we have a choice about what we're going to do about it.
That might involve preferential allocation of resources. It might not. There's a real debate to be had there. But it seems like there's a great deal of reading that you have to do on the notion of substantive equality before we can have a real debate about what it means to have equality.
Now, to get into the substance of what you're talking about here. Neither of the policies you speak about supporting - marriage equality and investment in education - are about formal equality. They're all about substantive equality. On the marriage equality front, it's recognizing that the ability to marry the opposite gender (which is given to all people equally) isn't substantively the same for people who are only attracted to the same gender. It creates a pretty clear moral calculus because the end goal is pretty clear - everyone gets to have the same sort of loving relationship recognized by the state. But it's not an impartial form of equality. It's based on recognizing differences, and creating special classes of privilege for different groups.
The same principle applies to resource allocation to poor districts. They get more money, and they get it because their outcomes are worse. That's - by definition - a "special privilege". You're asking people with means to make sacrifices - to worsen their own outcomes and reduce their standard of living - for the sake of others.
Now, your final example is about affirmative action. That's not a particularly good model of achieving equality. It's - almost hilarious - something that was developed as a means of actually frustrating and preventing even more substantive moves toward equal treatment between groups that became entrenched in the US.
But substantive equality is very much a thing, and what drives all of your examples is not this notional formalistic equality of treating all groups equally.