What exactly was the mental gymnastics on gender? As far as DA2 and Qun lore go a female cannot be a soldier. Period. The Ben-Hassrath lead by the Ariqun can have spies such as Tallis. According to DAI whatever it is now.
It's quite clear what the Qunari as a whole view as a "warrior" It's someone who was specifically bred for that role or someone that has a gift in that area and would be exceptional in that position that is a male. That's not my interpretation. That's how it was established. The Qun is law. Not Sten or the Arishok or their views or interpretation. The Arishok is also the military arm only. Personal views do not....or they didn't used to matter in Qunari society before DAI.
The Qun does look at your sex. It is considered embarrassing for a male (as in someone born with a penis) to farm in Qunari society, but in times to great need or war they would do it, but they would not be happy about it. That was said by a Bioware person on this forum clearing this up.
I have to admit these days I don't have the care in me to debate these issues. This is just how it was. If its not anymore then thats fine. I don't have a dog in the fight at this point so to say.
Look - the Qunari do not use correspondence theory as their way of understanding language pertaining to identity. The fact that they label something as "male" (or "merchant" or "Sten") does not mean that they think this term captures an underlying reality. It's a definition they apply.
It is considered an acceptable transgression for a Qunari to step outside his or her role when the Qun demands it, and then only in times of great need. But it's this abstract "role" that defines what you are, and it's the priesthood (as I recall) that defines that role. It's not you and it's not objective reality.
The italics portion is where you (and others) seem to struggle so much with Krem. It doesn't matter that Sten would be the best baker in Thedas if he were allowed to bake. He is a "Sten". What he's best at follows by definition from what he was assigned to be at the right age.
Sten even explains this when he talks about farmers turning into merchants, carrying their former life like a turtle and its shell. The Arishok explains this to you when he talks about Sarebaas, and how you accept your role and thrive or deny it and die.
Your role isn't a profession. It is everything that you are in the Qun. In the same way, your gender isn't your biological identity. That's the insane troll logic of it all.
I'm not saying you have a problem with this in the sense that you have some moral objection to it. I'm just saying that I don't think that you've grasped their weird logic, despite your fandom.
Why do you believe the Qun is truly 100% utilitarian society of robots where any sort of feeling is verbotten and everything is only run in the most efficient of manners possible? Because Sten believes it is, even when he himself is a walking, talking proof to the contrary if you dig into his dialog?
The clearest proof that they're not utilitarian is their use of magic. They lost last time because of how they've leashed their mages. The abuse that they heap onto them is insane. And yet they do it - despite the awe-inspiring power of magic in this setting - because of their a priori belief that it is evil. Just look at what happens with Sarebaas in DA2. A dedicated and useful person commits suicide because the Qun demanded it. The Arishok - the military leader of the Qun - lives in isolation in Kirkwall rather than call reinforcements (or retreat) because of his screw-up with the Tome of Koslun. He - out of petty spite and frustration - decides to raze Kirkwall to the ground in Act 2. The Qunari are not utilitarian in the way we would use that word.