My wedding was interesting. Someone forgot the cake, I was being forced to marry a guy I'd never even met, a grey warden showed up, and a rape battalion showed up too. I was thinking of stowing away in the night to escape the awful marriage, maybe become some random adventurer or see what the Dalish are like. It didn't get that far though, the aforementioned rape battalion did the work for me at getting me out of the marriage. Not in a pleasant way though. Problem with rapists is that they just can't do you favors in a nice way, you know? He got hit over the head with a bottle though, that was funny! But then I got decked, that wasn't so funny... To me anyway, I'm sure if I saw it in third person I would have found it a lot funnier than I did.
So I wake up and realize we stepped in dog sh!t, being locked in his estate to have a wedding party. Not the kind of party I'd want to go to either. I told everyone to not make a move until I say so, because we had to do everything exactly right for me to disarm the guards and take them down without causalities. So guess what happened? Dumb@ss decides to freaking move without my freaking say, and gets killed for it. I tell you not to move, you move. Some people just have vapor for brains. But I suppose that's disrespectful to the dead? Ah, who gives a crap about that? So everyone else is hauled off and I'm stuck with Dumb and Dumber (and Dumbest if there was a third, can't remember), and I'm thinking now is my chance to trick them into a disarm. Until my cousin walked in, like it wasn't a thing. Um, other cousin who wasn't the one currently being violated. They start mocking him, and he slides me a sword... At which point they realize they're the ones now ankle deep in dog sh!t. Killed my first sapient being not a few seconds later. I should have had a minor freak out, but I was in too much of an adrenaline high bordering on ecstasy to care by that point.
Thanks to that, I was having a hard time being subtle. I get questioned in the dining room, and my response is to tell him to f*ck off or die. Probably shoulda handled it better if it wasn't for the adrenaline thing, but it did make things more fun. And I had a lot of fun, I would even have called it a good day if innocent people hadn't died right in front of me and found my cousin raped and bloody and bruised and traumatized. But for me, I was having fun. Kinda scary to think I was finding killing to be fun, but I was. People as slimy as the guards in that estate deserved death, which made me not really care that I was ending their pathetic lives. By the way, I made Soris (the cousin with me) use a crossbow since he had absolutely no training or fighting experience, but crossbows are so easy that even untrained peasants can kill people more skilled than they are rather easily with one.
I actually kept a kill count, I killed 28 people and 3 dogs in my run through the mansion. Not sure of Soris' count. I also saw my to-be husband killed right in front of me. That made me mad. I mean, I did want out of the marriage... But not like that. The guy was pretty nice, and did risk his life to try and help. That counts for something. I never did get rid of the wedding ring I found on him, my small way of at least showing respect to him. It was at that point that I decided this wasn't a rescue anymore, it was a slaughter. Despite the fact that I should have been trying to stop the rape in progress, I decided to enter every single room in the entire estate to kill everyone single person in uniform I could possibly find. I wasn't just rescuing anymore, I was leaving the biggest trail of corpses I could on purpose. Didn't hurt the servants though, they were probably innocent.
Speaking of which, I was wearing my wedding dress the entire time. It was a lovely red dress... Well, kinda weird actually. See, it started off white. But it just kept getting more and more dyed with red the further I went into the estate, and I realized that I had found a simply wonderful material of which to dye my clothes with. I really rather appreciated those guards, helping me to recolor the dress for me. That was nice of them, you know? By the final room, it was nearly pure red. But that wasn't enough, I decided that I needed the head of the household's help at giving its dye job the final touches it needed. He seemed like such a nice person, of course he'd be a polite enough chap to help me.
So I enter the room, and the guy points out I have enough blood on me to fill a tub. Ah whatever, he says blood I say dye... Literally (say that statement out loud if you don't get it). So he threatens that if I don't let him go there will be an alienage purge, and Soris seems conflicted. Idiot. I already killed nearly 30 of the arl's personal men, a purge was already going to happen anyway. At least by making him into dye it will mean something important, that he'll never hurt another elf for the rest of time.
So I killed him. And it turns into a damn comedy sketch at that point. I cut his head off in just the right (accidental) way to send his head into the fireplace. Just flew with the perfect trajectory to land right in a lit fireplace. You'd think I did that on purpose, but I swear I have no idea how I pulled that stunt off. I would have laughed my ass off if I hadn't been so livid from seeing Shianni's state. Thanks to staying away from the battle, Soris didn't have a spec of blood on him. Useful, I can claim I was the sole one to do it and keep him out of the retribution. That and it makes me look even more impressive if everyone thinks I did it without help, I'm kinda vain like that.
But instead of retribution, I get to become a grey warden. I took the offer, still better than an arranged marriage. Before I left I made sure to tell Shianni my trick for having an extremely early miscarriage in the event that she might have that mother f*ckers sperm in her egg. I was no stranger to sex for fun, so I learned some things about not getting pregnant. There's a certain concoction you can take that pretty much immediately flushes everything down there, like an a temporary period you could activate at will. Has a weird combination of resources, elfroot being a main one. Then... I had to go. I did have a grey warden waiting to save me from marria- I mean the garrison, so I had to skedaddle.
Funny epilogue to this: I actually came back after being made commander of the grey and got access to read the old reports of the incident. They never found the rapists' head. I guess no one bothered to check the fireplace. There was some speculation in the report, one guy even thought maybe I actually ate his head in some kinda cannibalistic fashion. That was dismissed though, because they weren't sure if elves were actually capable of biting through and digesting human bones. They ultimate concluded that I must of secretly carried it out to keep as a trophy, which would have been a nice idea. Coulda put hit skull on my throne at Vigil's Keep. Oh well, that was an opportunity lost. But maybe watching his head fly into a fireplace and catch fire and start burning was worth not being able to have a trophy.
And that was my wedding day. Somehow, I suspect typical marriages don't go quite the way mine did. But mine left me with a heck of a story to tell, so that's... Something. One lesson I learned: Be careful what you wish for. The night before the wedding I wished for something to keep the marriage from happening no matter the cost. Well, the "no matter the cost" part might have been a bad call. Next time, mind the cost when making a wish.
Retour en haut
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