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[Jehuty]

Alright, due to a writers block and some confusion, I am currently stuck on chapter 03. Normally I wouldn't go this far, but I need some feedback. 

 

The story is a fanfiction I'm writing where several universes collide and either ally or war upon each other... before the Reaper invasion. I need some suggestions so that I can get the story rolling again. 

 

https://www.fanficti...gnited-Volume-I

 

Unlike my first two attempts, I'm attempting to do this very carefully. I've also just gotten out of school so now I have the time to get back to writing again. 

 

The story follows a Spartan IV from Halo, Foley Lockhart. Losing everything he knew, he appears in a new dimension and is willing to fight the Reapers. Of course, this sounds cliche somewhat. However, he refuses to see it happen again and wants to. He also encounters Lunamaria Hawke from Gundam SEED Destiny and together, along with Commander Shepard and her team, must partake in a suicide mission. 

 

Now, there's also more to that. Foley's enemy, Lancelot, a Spartan V commando, appears. Sworn for vengeance, I want this to be a rivalry that lasts throughout the series.

 

Now here's where I'm stuck at.

 

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He looked outside the window and noticed several lanes of shuttles flying past each other. The Citadel, which was a massive hub, was unlike anything he had seen… No UNSC space station was this grand. 

 

Before Lunamaria could open her mouth about it, a portal appeared in front of the group Foley grabbed Luna and threw her back away from it. The Spartan, along with the Alliance marines drew their weapons and stepped back, ready to deal with whatever came out. 

 

The Synapse

 

“Where did the Ikaros Melan version two go?” Minos, the God of Synapse asked, unpleased. The Angel took a sip of whine from his glass and looked at the Harpy Angeloid twins, waiting for an answer. His blond hair covered his eyes and his pale face. 

 

“Sir, the Melan… disappeared.” 

 

“What?!” He asked in an outrage, breaking the glass which spilt whine all over his toga. “She disappeared?!” 

 

The Harpies looked at each other and then back at Minos, who was pissed. They didn’t know which was worse: His wrath or the wrath of the Uranus Queen, Ikaros, then Angeloid he has been trying desperately to kill, along with a downer called Tomoki Sakurai.

 

“Ever since a downer from another dimension tampered with one of the artifacts, things have been acting strange. She likely was caught in a wormhole.” 

 

“Impossible! There is no way this could happen!” Minos stated. There was an artifact that did open and close wormholes, but how a downer got to it and activated it was beyond him. After a minute of silence, he accepted the fact that a wormhole likely did appear during the teleportation process and lowly ordered, “Both of you find the dimension of the artifact and the dimension of where the Ikaros Melan version two went… retrieve them.” 

 

 Both Harpies stood at attention and replied in sync, “Yes master!” before leaving to do their assigned task. Minos sat back on his throne and looked at the view screen. There were multiple dimensions, which the Synapse controlled. Each one of them were to face an end… except for the current one… 

 

But the Angeloid likely landed in another, one where Minos recalled there being one dimension with machines that were mighty, who cleansed the heavens of all life every so often. Minos would bring this world, the Earth, to that dimension and replace theirs. Then he’d lure his enemies there and wipe them out. If the Synapse couldn’t do it, then let another faction do it for them. 

 

He could care less if the insects called Humans all died or if their world perished. Another would just be created… perhaps this time, under his rule.

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Alright, I don't know if I want to include Heaven's Lost Property this early. However, I also want the Melan there as well. I don't know if I should go with it or hold off.

 

Universes 

 

Currently

Halo

Mass effect

Gundam SEED Destiny

Zone of the Enders

 

Planned

HLP

Avengers

Dead Space

Destiny

Armored Core

Several other Gundam series

Reality

Predator

Code Geass

Freezing Vibration

Borderlands

Star wars

Star trek

 

And several others. 

 

Feedback guys? Please keep it serious, I really could use the help and I don't have much at the moment. 

 

 

 

 

[Jehuty]

I should add, I also don't want to rush things in the story. Some things to be honest are very sudden, but I'm trying to do it for the sake of plot twists and such... something the story should have plenty of. 

[Jehuty]

Thank you. 

[Jehuty]

Alright, I should have plenty of time to work on chapter 03 today. Hopefully I can get it done before week's end but I need feedback or I'll be taking risks. 

 

Also, I've considered doing something with Lunamaria as a plot twist... perhaps I should kill her off and have her avatar body die while her angel self wakes up in the Synapse and have her converted to an Angeloid... it's been done before in Sora No Otoshimono. 

 

Been thinking, Energy Feather wings, Archangel class Kappa since Zeta is already taken. A nice energy rifle called Hyperion.

 

Also, I've found a way to kill Shinn Asuka from Gundam SEED Destiny. You know, the black haired kid who rages more than a little kid playing CoD? Yeah, why not pit his Destiny Gundam against Orbital Frame Jehuty piloted by a freaking Spartan? 

[Jehuty]

Tell me, what do you guys think of the main character, Foley Lockhart? 

[Jehuty]

You're including Kappa?

I mean Archangel class Kappa Lunamaria, since Theta and Zeta are already taken. But this Kappa... which anime and he/she might get included. 

[Dovahzeymahlkey]

youre thinking too much. Just write down what comes naturally. Remember this is only a draft. Or at least it should be. The vast majority of your work should come from revisions and drafts, not the actual penning of the first story.

[Jehuty]

youre thinking too much. Just write down what comes naturally. Remember this is only a draft. Or at least it should be. The vast majority of your work should come from revisions and drafts, not the actual penning of the first story.

Perhaps. Each chapter pretty much gets revised and redone one or three times before it's posted. It can take anywhere between one and two months, since I also need beta readers. Something chapter 02 lacked and I've noticed some errors and such. 

[Jehuty]

Well Kappa are in a lot of Japanese stuff really.

That's the one you can marry in Harvest Moon.

Kappa is in the Greek alphabet, and all Angeloids are assigned a letter (Ikaros is Alpha, Nymph is Beta, Astraea is Delta, so on and so forth) 

I've planned on later on killing off a character, have her wake from her dream and be converted from an angel to an angeloid, such as in the case of Zeta (Not going to spoil that one... read the manga or watch Angeloid of clockwork). 

If say, Lunamaria Hawke were to suffer this fate as well, she would be Angeloid Kappa, Archangel class. (Lunamaria is Kappa). 

 

But again, the story is very far from this point. The Heaven's Lost Property arc will likely occur in Volume II, provided the story gets that far. 

[Jehuty]

Anyone got any suggestions on where I should take the story or what I should do with it? Ideas perhaps? 

 

Also, for those interested chapter 03 is in the works. It'll be out by the end of this month.