Every year in March, a huge portion of the world's population mysteriously becomes Irish, wears green, and gets drunk. I would like to begin a similar tradition in July, in which the world mysteriously becomes Canadian, wears red and white (even though, in many ways, green would make more sense) and gets drunk.
Granted, wearing red and white is slightly more complicated than just wearing green, but it is necessary. You can't just wear red, because people will assume that you're a commie. You can't just wear white, because people will assume that you're a s**tlord.
Passing for Canadian Section 1
1. Be polite.
Graduate level: Be polite while still sounding like a complete a**hole. Only the most talented Canadians have mastered that art.
2. Apologize frequently, especially for things that aren't your fault.
I can't explain this cultural quirk, but trust me - if you don't apologize at least once a conversation, no one will believe that you're Canadian.
3. Historical Section A: Tragedies
You must be able to identify the three most tragic events in Canadian history.
iii) Losing Olympic Gold to The Czech Republic
If I have to explain why this is on the list, then you obviously don't know that Dominic Hasek is considered a war criminal in Canada.
ii) William Shatner moving to California
We want him back, you f**kers!
i) Wayne Gretzky is traded to the L.A. Kings
Canada still holds a day of mourning each year to commemorate this tragedy. "The Great One" being traded to a place that doesn't even have winter!? HOW DO YOU PLAY HOCKEY WITHOUT ICE IT MAKES NO SENSE
4. Historical Section B: Triumphs
You must be able to identify the three greatest triumphs in Canadian History
iii) Justin Beiber moves to California
We don't know what it is about California, but that does seem to be where all of our expatriate Canadians end up. On this occasion, we didn't mind. At all.
ii) Céline Dion moves to Las Vegas
Coincidentally, this is related to what would have been #4 on the "Historical Tragedies" list: Céline Dion moves back to Canada.
i) Canada defeated the United States at... anything.
It doesn't happen often, but Canada goes nuts any time we manage to beat the U.S. at something. Anything. We defeated an American at the under-12 World Tiddlywinks championships? WE WILL CELEBRATE THAT SH*T FOR YEARS (it's an inferiority complex thing.)
5. Drink properly.
Trust me, your Coors Light or Bud Light Lime is a dead giveaway. Non-Canadian beers are fine, but we're talking Stella or Guinness if you're going to fool anyone. Be aware that anything under 5% in Canada is considered "light beer" and will result in mocking.
End Section 1.
I am about to have beer delivered, because Canada Day is more of an "every day until the nearest weekend" event. Thus, I cannot guarantee that I will be in any condition to be teaching the next section on being Canadian (as counter-intuitive as it might be that drunkenness could in any way interfere with being Canadian.)
Also, fair warning, based on past experience, my posting should start to get seriously wacky at about 8 p.m. EST this evening. After that, you may well want to put me on your ignore list until sometime after Monday.
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