tl;dr – l2p goml lol
Scoreboarding, a heinous and sinful act of self-afflicted torture, with psychological repercussions reportedly much worse than waterboarding or watching Dennis Franz bodysurf nude in HD.
Once an individual has been tainted with this condition, even if they logically understand that score does not accurately interpret one’s actual contributions to the game, they will unfortunately be possessed by a frenzy to be on top of the scoreboard, as the majority of the blood flow to their brain will have been permanently (in most cases) redirected to their e-peen by stage 1.
In stage 2, the individual will almost always min/max certain characters with certain loadouts, to guarantee they have the highest probability of outscoring any potential contender. They will use these kits exclusively until they have mastered them for most efficient use against all factions. This is when you start to see school studies start to drop, or relationships start to have issues. Often times, we see these individuals turn to extreme yoga in order to pleasure themselves, altogether removing the need for one social link, allowing them additional time to fine tune their gameplay.
In stage 3, the afflicted individuals often find a means to spread their conquests to the world, either creating accounts on various gaming websites, especially game specific forums. In extreme cases, they go so far as to purchase recording equipment with the last amount of funds they have earned from the job they will imminently be losing. Tragic.
During this time, 98% of the case studies reports the afflicted individual’s online attitude becoming condescending, belligerent, or almost totally obsessed with acronyms, such as lol, l2p, goml, and other such banalities.
Stage 4, this is where it gets ugly. As the neurons in the afflicted individual’s e-peen have been rerouted and specialized to play just one game, they lose almost all abilities to enjoy or even function properly in both real life and other games, causing them to continue to play the outdated game they first suffered scoreboarding on. There are even reports of people playing said games 3 + years after initial release, sometimes even choosing to play while an active sequel is popularly being played.
Sadly, it rarely stops here. Eventually, support and servers die out for this game, and in 25% of cases, individuals seem to hallucinate, playing the game on an error screen (“cannot connect to *** servers”) or even a blank screen. Others relive the moments of their heyday by rewatching videos on their Youtube account over and over. In the very worst cases, which afflict about 8% of individuals, they are sucked so deep into depression that the only escape is… cosplay. Constant, unending cosplay. That is the rare stage 5, as most do not live beyond stage 4.
In the US, there are bills being reviewed which, if passed, will allow parents or other loved ones to own a mercy shotgun, to put the afflicted individuals out of their misery, as all attempts of rehabilitation have ended in bloodshed. It may sound odd for such a bill to even exist, but in the 2014 “Massacre in Massachusetts”, an MIT student in stage 5 reportedly recreated weapons that existed only in game. One was called a “Venom”, which launched exploding clusters at a distance of about 50 yards, and also a weapon called an “Acolyte”, which reportedly disintegrated riot shields.
Scoreboarding is a threat to the country. Be wary of your children’s gaming habits.
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