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This Forum thread, if it can survive the moderator’s sense of appropriate language standards of conduct, is a call for constructive suggestions on how best to lay waste to the parasitic tropes who exist on the surface of the Earth’s crust (mostly). Principally, they barely subsist in their parent’s basement dens and dimly-illuminated bedrooms, or unfinished closet space. Their favorite piece of artwork is the Blue Screen of Death, as daylight confuses them. Affectionately called “cute little its”, they are a common foe worthy of being drenched in massive gamma-ray bursts and Covenant Plasma fire. Earth-born vermin-eating embryonic tadpoles that carry the slimiest parasitic infection worm eggs infesting Harkin’s bloated intestinal tract.
This is an optional N7 assignment available in both SP (casual) and co-op multi-player (bronze) levels of game play, and it will reward the player with all of the highest upgrades available in-game for every weapon, ammo, armor, shields, barriers, tech and biotic abilities. None of the upgrades have any effect against barriers, which is okay, because these weakest enemy henchmen don’t have any barriers. And, your bonus upgrade will carry over to a game+ playthrough. You can use the research terminal in Mordin’s Lab to switch these premium upgrades for the small cost of 10 credits or eezo (The discount is 7 credits if Mordin is your L.I.) This allows you to have realistic replays for all classes, regardless of base skills, training, talents, abilities or starting points.
I’m talking about those sinister, twisted, sick, abhorrent monstrosities who breath nothing but malignant vulgar fire and brimstone, and never leave their condemned homeworld. These are the ones who, although too infantile to understand any of this, deserve the fate that’s worse than constant itching, untreatable repetitive stress injuries to their wrist and index finger, in desperate need of a teeth cleaning with stage 4 gum disease, and buried up to their eyebrows with no manscaping. They are the poster children for thin, weak, runny remnants of protoplasmic waste. They can only find part-time employment that pays one-tenth of the minimum wage in the poorest region beyond a tiny black hole’s event horizon.
The assignment is completely disconnected from any other N7 or undiscovered planetary assignment available in the galaxy map – before we leave for Andromeda. It consists of 1,001 waves of unshielded, unarmored, lowest health wastoids that have ever been associated with Sci-Fi RPG games since the beginning of time immemorial. Formed immediately as an amorphous coalesced brown bag, just 1 microsecond after the Big Bang, they have been riding the blue-shifted solar wind’s wave-front ever since. They are the gluey substance of dark matter.
There is no time limit to complete each evolution, and the enemies occasionally respawn. You can stop the assignment at any time, drive the new mako over their burned-out crunchy-body fragmented cinders, and return anytime you want to. Unfortunately, the assignment will never be finished.
For the convenience of the hardcore first-person shooter mavens, who are tired of cutscenes that involve the progression of relationships, there are no dialog wheel choices until the very end, immediately before the coup de grace. The gameplay uses plenty of Renegade Intimidate-only interrupts for a myriad of really choice aggressive squad actions. The single dialog wheel at the end offers 6 wildly different endings, highlighted in Mauve, Dilute Amber Ale, Bile Brown, Putrid Green, Vacuum of Space Black, and Foggy Fuchsia.
You can use your last ME-3 save-file to import all of your previous decisions when starting a new game. The beginning cutscene will explain the cohesive result for each of the control, synthesis, and destruction endings. Spoiler Alert: I can’t reveal too much, but suffice it to say that it starts out with the surviving cast of the entire trilogy enjoying a fantastic barbecue party on the back lawn of Tali’s new home on Rannoch. Reporters Diana Allers and Khalisah al-Jilani, and engineer Kenneth Donnely will not be in attendance. They are stone cold drunk, prostrated on lowest floor of the destroyed Collector’s base. They will never return from the Omega relay.
You won’t need to receive a text message at your private terminal, or need a reminder from your sexy or stud-ly L.I., (whether Hetero or L/G/B/TG), a DLC-recruited crew mate, Yeoman Kelly, the ship’s doctor, navigator, pilot or Admiral Hackett to acquire it. It is automatically included in your journal assignments, and has a codex entry for you to add to at anytime. A patch for ME-2’s DLC The Lair of the Shadow Broker is included, which will allow you to recruit Samara’s tank-bred daughter on Illium after recruiting Thane. An undiscovered glitch that survived beta-testing reveals that Udina, although still dead, is completely stuck walking above the Citadel’s central river. A save-reload will not fix this.
An in-game option allows you to taunt these miscreant bacteria slime at any time, during your Origin-enforced game play, from your private terminal. Simply use TIM’s galaxy-extended, second-hand, quantum entanglement interface device’s communication’s default e-mail service to send a message to their net address:
I’mAdISguStINGMiniSKuLefORUmTRhOLlaNdU’LLnEveRevErgETriDOfmE@nEmiS.IFLuncKedOUtOfpREeScHuLe_dot_org
And for a whole bunch of laughs, text message them at: 555-XYZ-0000; type in: “IgotYour#”, but without the quotes. Hacking into their Origin accounts is even easier! Download and install the ME-2 Gibbed File Save Editor. Unzip the file, place it in your user > documents > Mass Effect folder on a Win 7 boot drive (Sorry, it doesn’t work in Win 10). Then click the first tab and tick the first check box under the section labeled: Revenge.
Oh, and btw, here’s a quick way to visually spot them from 100 klicks away, if your radar is being jammed by friendly cloaked geth Hunters. On the battlefield, if they have escaped Harkin’s constipated maggot-infected digestive tract, you’ll see them barely subsisting under salmonella-encrusted uncooked buffalo wings, sans the sauce, soaking in toxic red algae. They are distinguishable as completely naked (“it’s an M-rated violent game, after all, so what’s your problem with it, dude”), except for their unkempt taco sauce-encrusted bushy beards, sporting unwashed moldy T-shirts with torn holes, that reveal their pony-tailed hairy innie navels, surrounded by pretty pink and emerald green adhesive alligators made of cheap nickel-plated bling and rose-colored fool’s gold. Strewn about them, on their hazardous waste pile, are empty, crushed, non-reusable aluminum cans (and/or reusable plastic 128-oz. slurpy cups), which were filled with dangerously high-caffeinated energy boosting fermented liquids, thrown indiscriminately into a skunk-smelling floral garden of yellow and silver crinkled potato chip bags and instant-coffee cups. And yes – you can proudly call yourself an anti-speech heretic.
I don’t see why the writers, game developers, stock holders, and top execs, especially the ones who graduated from medical school, won’t jump at this marvelous opportunity to make gobs of monetary and licensing spin-off loot. Casey Hudson might even find cheap temporary housing in Montreal, Vancouver, Austin and Silicon Valley, wearing his prototype 3-D head gear from M$, and dancing to Faunts’ M4 Part 2 postlude and Vigil’s overture. It’s an assignment that’s as easy to develop as opening a booby-trapped crate left behind by their last blind date. It will be the Easter egg for their most loyal and ardent fans who speak Texas English, Quebec-French, Vancouver-dialects, Olde German, Latin Hymnals, and the Tagalog tongues.
The final Boss you will be required to defeat is the Star Brat; you just have to use the ending dialog wheel with options for circular reasoning with him, and he’ll shoot his own insanely-indoctrinated head off, that recovers as the head of a phoenix hydra-pole.
Special Pre-Order Offer: A fully functioning demo of this assignment will be released to the public at E3, 2016, or, it can be downloaded after midnight on June 14th, through your Origin Account. At Bioware’s booth in the exhibition hall, they will be passing out free 128GB thumb drives with the assignment already installed. Happy hunting.
I leave it to you, the creative, responsible-thinking, temperate Trilogy-types to propose the best and most satisfying power combos you would like to use for any protagonist class with a $60 USD boarding ticket. In about a year, in Q1 2017 (or is it Q4_2.0, 2016?), you get to travel in the reaper-powered, fuel-injected, turian/quarian-built ARK. May your journeys be swift and linear as you feast your blood-shot eyes on viewing the most amazing and colorful HD fan-designed scenery ever envisioned on deviantart’s Sci-Fi section. Oh, I forgot to mention (silly me): You will be equipped with an unlimited supply of shampoo + deodorant impregnated cryo body wipes, to use as you see fit.
tRHoLeS – your long overdue blood-bath is coming to you soon, free of charge.
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